General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Married for three months now. I left my ex fiance for my current wife about three years ago. Everything went great between us and everything for her still is great. I have just started to have my doubts and she can sense it and it is hurting us.
We have a lot in common and we laugh together and can coexist easily. The problem is right before the wedding I began to get really bad cold feet and she knew about it and we had long talks and decided to still get married. Since the honeymoon I can't help but constantly focus on her negative flaws (she is overly nice and tries to do every single thing she can that she thinks will make me happy, she doesn't have a lot of self esteem, and lately even her squeaky voice is starting to get to me). On top of all of that, I can't seem to constantly worry that I made a mistake by leaving my ex fiance. Most of my family and friends didn't agree with how I handled things and I think would have preferred me to stay with my ex and that gets under my skin a little.
My ex has since married as well and moved out of state. My mom mentioned that maybe I should call her and wish her luck and all of that but I decided I should not out of respect for both of our marriages. Her being married really doesn't make me jealous because I guess I am happy for her because I never thought I gave her enough love anyway. I still regret it though in a way.
I fell in love with my wife when I met her and I had never felt I was in love with my ex (same old story right?) I have researched and looked on here and a lot of people say the first year of marriage can be difficult because of the way you have to get used to each other and accept the little things that. My wife makes me happy and would be a good lifelong partner. She is sweet and respectful and would never cheat on me and I would never cheat on her.
One of the problems I had in my last relationship is that I was not happy so I was very unfaithful. I decided to spare a future with kids having to deal with divorce so I broke it off. I now would never cheat on my wife and I view this as a very positive thing. I also have become a much more honest person. So there are positives about us, I just want to stop being slightly rude to her and I also want my ex to get out of my head.
You've already given us enough reason for you to forget about your ex-. Guilt is one thing, but this idea that you want to forget how bad things really were with her is another. You cheated on her -- with your current wife? If so, that could be part of the problem.
Yes, the first year of marriage can be difficult. But then yours is more difficult because you married against your better judgement. You weren't totaly commited to the idea of getting married so you will always have that excuse to fall back on. You need to get THAT out of your head if you want your marriage to survive. You decided to marry her. You did it. You stood there and took those vows so any previous concerns are moot. I suspect that if you get that out of your head you'll be farther along than you think.
You can also encourage your wife to work on her self-esteem -- to get a hobby or go back to school or find something she's passionate about so that you don't feel crowded. And, take time for yourself so that you don't allow yourself to BE crowded. Everyone needs space now and then.
You go to therapy to figure out why you cheated instead of just breaking up with your ex-. You need to work on that issue (passive-aggressiveness) because it will show up in your current marriage and will definitely sabatoge it.
And, you ask your wife to go on her own to figure out why she would be with someone who was already taken and to deal with her self-esteem issues. While she didn't cheat on you, she stole. She took something that wasn't hers. She knew what she was doing and was selfish about it. (Her low self-esteem at work -- she needed your attention more than she cared about any morality issues.)
Then, the two of you need to come together to work on issues like trust and respect because surely after getting together the way you did, respect has to suffer.
IMO, you're both in a place where either could cheat to fulfill some other need. You just don't see it now because things are relatively good. But if you don't deal with your issues, you will surely have a rough marriage.
Why put off going to counseling? Are you somehow ashamed that you might need help....what if by putting it off you totally screw the whole thing up beyond repair because she reaches her 'enough is enough' point. And believe me - with women we will put up with a lot but once we've reached that point there is almost no going back. Being passive-agressive you need help figuring out how to communicate (believe me I know) and she is codependent from what you wrote - she needs help understanding that she needs her own life - not just to be a 'moon' to your earth. I know the old saying about finding your other half but my husband and I agree - we wanted to be with whole people - not 1/2 a person.
Because I don't think she would agree to go to counseling right now and I don't think I am ready either. I don't think we can afford it right now either.
We do communicate some, it is not as if we never talk about how we are feeling. I bought the book Boundaries in Marriage and she has read through it. We have set up girls and guys nights. She doesn't like the girls nights too much and I have trouble scheduling guys nights but we try. So the boundary thing with her is being worked on.
I just don't know how to tell her "hey I think about my ex a lot even though I don't really want her back, I just am trying not to feel guilty about how it all went down."
I don't know if the guilt will go away - I have an issue that is related to yours that I still feel guilty over - unfortunately I think it is part of the price you pay for doing what you did. You have to learn when those thoughts pop up to acknowledge the thought and then think about something else - to not obsess on those thoughts because that just leads to a vicious circle.
If you have insurance, it should pay for counseling (at least some of it) when you decide to do it. If not there are free programs in most places (especially churches) that could help.
I cheated on my exhusband - no my current one - but I still feel very guilty about it in regards to my ex, and the other people involved. I learned my lesson and what lead me down that path - so I won't be repeating it - but I still feel very guilty and disappointed in myself. One of my past posts tells the whole story if you want to read it (click on my name and it should give you a list of all the threads I've started.)
My take on your situation is that you have matured and become a better man. It doesn't sound like it has much to do about your ex, but more about your guilt for treating her the way you did and somewhat resentful that your wife was part of that betrayal and doesn't carry the same guilt about it that you do. I think we all have things from our past that we wished we handled differently, but the guilt is there for a reason. It helps you maintain the mature man you are today.
I believe you are already doing the best thing you can for your ex...to be happy that she has found someone and moved on. I don't agree (sorry mom) with contacting her as it would be more to make yourself feel better and could make her feel better (closure) or could make her feel worse.
I think the boundary books are a great idea for you both...sounds like you just need a little space...it's hard to suddenly 'share' your life, time, etc. with someone else when one wants to be together all the time and the other needs some 'alone' time.
I think does carry some guilt as we have talked about it a little bit. I agree that I have become more mature but then I can't help but think that maybe that would have come with time anyway and I should have just stuck with my ex. Then a part of me thinks that I probably would have continued my bad ways if it would have continued.
All in all I just worry I may never get over this and though I am now faithful and honest and more mature, I still will not help but be reminded of it all Posted via Mobile Device
Why are you so reluctant to invest in therapy when it could actually help you? The biggest problem people have with therapy is that they wait to go until the problem is larger than they have the capacity to handle. Since you're questioning being married to the person you are now married to and your guilt is tied directly to what you did with her, your marriage is already at risk.
You can avoid new damage by promptly dealing with the old damage.
I'm not reluctant I am just not ready to plunge into that without both of us talking through things on our own. We are working on things right now and if it doesn't get better we can go to that next step. Why are you so pushy and abrupt on this topic? Did you deal with a similar situation or something?
I am just trying to talk to everyone here for some first-step advice and in my opinion therapy is a last resort sort of move. Posted via Mobile Device
Thinking about ex, being short with my wife..
