General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife is driving effin crazy about this now.
She's a full time nanny for 2 kids, so basically her job is to run somebody elses home. From food shopping, laundry, drive kids to school, etc etc So of course when she gets home at 7 pm she's tired. Is that my fault?
Now she started cooking in the morning while the kids she watches are in school.
Basically my day goes like this. I drop my daughter to school, pick her up at 4:30. Go home, fix our bed, laundry sometimes, spend time with my 4 year old. And now a days I'm doing the salad or rice to go with whatever she brings already cooked from her job.
For the record, I have a stressfull job but I don't let it interfere with my life as a husband or dad.
Anyways, we finish eating and now she's getting mad because I don't help her clean the kitchen. C'monn!!!!!!!! I wanna seat down, watch tv or relax for a couple of hours before going to bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really about to leave her behind (again). This girl doesn't know how good she has it with me. I do a lot IMO (In my opinion).
Just for the record, when my baby girl frst was born, I was the one waking up in the middle of the nite to walk her around the apartment for 1-2 hours while she slept. OMFG, that's why sometimes I think it's my daughter who keeps me from leaving my wife.
Don't get me wrong, she's a good person but i she needs to pick up a fight at least once a week or she wouldn't survive.
Last weekend was very nice, it was my daughter's bday and we had family over. had a very good time.
Now 3 days later she gets mad and puts up a fight about me spending time with my dad too much (he lives 10 minutes from us and we're very close). Also she was mad because of the dishes again.
and before i forget, The first time I left the house was because we both stopped talking to each other for a month I think. basically we got fed up with each other.
SHE DRIVES ME NUTTTSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOESN'T APPRECIATE NOTHING AND ALWAYS TRIES TO PUT ME DOWN. NOTHING I DO IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER(fix beds, cook something, give my daughter a bath, bring good income to the house, never fight, I'm a very calm guy, super easy going)
She comes from divorced parents, her father has like 12 kids, 8 of them are not even signed by him. South american family. Her mother divorced him and came to this country 12 years ago. Her mother has so much hate towards her ex-husband and my wife grew up seeing all this. I guess somehow these events marked my wife for life.
In her eyes all men are the same.
I don't know what to do anymore. My daughter just turned 4
Just out of curiousity, how many hours a day does your wife get to sit on her butt taking it easy? Just curious....
I would be interested in seeing the two of you write down how exactly a average work day goes for both of you from the time you both get up to the time you both go to bed. I would really be curious how both of your time management goes in a day.
I disagree with any effort to track how many chores each spouse does. That is a road to disaster in my opinion.
Before I married, my wife and I took marriage classes and one of the best 'take aways' I learned was "Marriage is not 50/50. It's 70/30 and you're doing the 70". So true. Just accept that points of view are different.
My suggestion is to tell her if something needs done and it's bother her - she needs to do it herself. If it bothers you - then YOU do it. Don't expect your spouse to do it!
If your wife hasn't been home all day, all the mess in the kitchen was made by you. It's her job to clean up someone else's house as their servant. Perhaps she dislikes that feeling when she comes home. Clean the damn kitchen up and stay married.
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If your wife hasn't been home all day, all the mess in the kitchen was made by you. It's her job to clean up someone else's house as their servant. Perhaps she dislikes that feeling when she comes home. Clean the damn kitchen up and stay married.
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to the original poster,
and too add, after you clean up the kitchen
you should still have plenty of time to do things
for her and your children....
If it were me in her situation I'd left and sought a man who was a loving spouse and partner to me, in ways that you do not seem to be able to provide for her, or most other women in that they would give thanks for...and I get the feeling the reason she hasn't done so ( walked away already ).... has to do with her upbringing ( as awful as you seem to say it was)
and that she is trying her best to work with a very difficult marriage,
difficult job... and those things combined that most women would not be able to tolerate even for a short time.
That your parents raised children and did not divorce in no way means they had a happy marriage.
It only means one of your parents was most likely very, very, very tolerant........ for some reason that may have a well intentioned, but very misguided thing to do... resulting in many problems for THEIR children... like unrealisitc expctations about what love and marriage are all about.
Lastly, the number of children a man has has NO BEARING
on his spousal or his parental competance.
and often children from even the most terrible circumstances
filled with very problematic matters and having less than most, grow to be the best of people.
If you are in any way telling her she is "less than ideal" because of her childhood situation, you are being very cruel to her in untold ways.
Just curious, but how many of the children you were raised with have happy healthy long term marriages?
She comes from divorced parents, her father has like 12 kids, 8 of them are not even signed by him. South american family. Her mother divorced him and came to this country 12 years ago.
Her mother must have been so desperate to escape that marraige, been with a man so bad she was willing to take her chances in a world new to her, most likely with not much money or friends, did the best she could with what resources she had at the time.
I bet she had to do hard things, like work hard at low paying jobs and maybe even learn a whole new language.
How sad and misrerable she must have been. I bet she cried herself to sleep for many years AND, did her best ( in the way she knew best) to make sure NONE of her children EVER are backed into a place that they will have to be so desperate, as it must have been a hard, lonley and very unpleasnt place for her mother.
It must have been very hard for her mother, without a doubt ... but the choice she made, was the very well thought out and best soultion to limited options she had, all very unappealing and hard.
Have you ever thought about encouraging YOUR wife to stop work and persue her education? I bet it would not only result in a lower stress and highrer paying job FOR HER but also afford her and YOU
more options ( like hiring a housekeeper for one)
should you both agree to end the marriage later, at least you can spare her the many fears her mother maybe UNWITTINGLY put in your wifes head.... and ensure she is in a better position to raise happy, healthy, well adjusted kids, which are your kids too
only one kid now from what I gather.
I hope you are using birth control as just about anyone can incorperate 1 kid into their lives
but 2... is a FAR different and very much more extreme lifestyle.
What are you going to do then?
It does not sound from what you write, you could handle any more... would be so unfair to the kids
and with the ease to obtain birth control these days
( maybe ??? unlike the days of her mother) There should be no reason to
add more stress to an already stressful marriage, more so one that concerns GENERAL HOUSEHOLD WORK !
If your wife hasn't been home all day, all the mess in the kitchen was made by you. It's her job to clean up someone else's house as their servant. Perhaps she dislikes that feeling when she comes home. Clean the damn kitchen up and stay married.
Agreed!
She's been working full time too, just as hard as YOU have. It won't kill either of you to share the cooking and the cleanup of the dishes afterwards. Instead of snarking about it, just get it done and then you can both sit down and relax together for the first time that day. It takes half the time to do something together.
You'd be doing your child a huge disservice by walking out of this marriage over a couple dishes each evening. A child needs 2 parents in the same house, not being shuffled between houses every 2 days for designated parental time decided by some judge. Grow up a bit here. This is real marriage and it's hard work. And one spouse is always feeling like they're doing 70%. That's normal. The sooner you accept the realities and change your attitude, the sooner things will start to resolve.
I've been working almost exclusively at home since first discovering the affair (21 months ago).
One time my dear wife came home, saw the sink full of dishes and said "You've been home all day and didn't do the dishes?" (It's our oldest daughter's chore, by the way.)
I said "Would it help if I went to the office every day?"
This is just the typical marriage stuff, no big emergency here. I'm sure if they bothered me I'd have found time to do them. But it was a busy day and I just didn't put it on my priority list.
Keep giving and serving your wife and daughter. You gave up the "I, ME, and MINE" when you got married. Its now "US", and you need to be the person and do the things that will benefit the us.
^^^^ marriage sucks. PERIOD.
All you women think you deserve everything served in a frickin silver plate.
I'm leaving my wife and will try to be the best father my lil' girl can ever have.
All your comments are absurd. "do the dishes and stay married" WHat a joke!! I rather be a single father and don't listen to any other women other than my mother and daughter now.
Hit the bar every weekned, get laid, and die of alcohol poisining sometime in my late 60's
THAT SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT LIFE TO ME!! I've had it.
Married for 5-6 years for what. To have someone that doesn't appreciate ish? c'mon!!!!!!
Hit the bar every weekned, get laid, and die of alcohol poisining sometime in my late 60's
THAT SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT LIFE TO ME!!
ah, so the truth comes out. this isnt about dishes. give me a break. I dont think your wife is looking for a silver dish...but it does sound like she settled for fake gold.
First of all, don't just group us all women and that's it. We are all very different people, just like men are.
Maybe she did appreciate what all you did. The question is, did you appreciate what she did? If she was an inconsiderate person, she wouldn't be worried about fixing your dinner while she was at work.
With women out there in the workforce now because it is really tough to make it on just one income anymore, this crap about the housework being the woman's job doesn't cut it anymore.
You're supposed to be a team and want to do things for each other and your children, not point fingers at each other.
I do most of the housework and cooking at my house because I work less than my hubby does. BUT, if I come home from maybe a bad day at work, or tired, or not feeling well, hubby has no problem doing whatever needs to be done.
I don't want everything on a silver platter, and I don't want anyone who does, either.
What kind of role model and father are you to a girl, with your low opinion of women? She is, after all, going to be one eventually. I really worry for her.
yep...i agree with scarletblue. can't group us all together djguy13. its like us doing the same for all you men. = 0
anyways...i'm through pushing and trying and failing. I've given and given and given until my figurative hands are bleeding/scarred/torn. I have gotten to the point that I don't even recognize myself.
When you marry...you become a team. It doesn't mean 50/50, but it means best friends/lovers that work to make the best possible world for each other. Selfishness has no place. It will only destroy...and actually marriage has a way of finding those carefully hidden flaws in all of us that we just don't want to yield up.
Men and women...we all have issues. Hitting the bar, getting laid and dying at 60 from pancreatic cancer (alcohol poisoning? i think you would be immune at this point = ) )...it will not give you what is most important in life.
question about household chores
