General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok, a brief rundown of my relationship. Her and I have been married for just over 4 years. We have 1 child together and a child from her previous marriage. She tells me all the time that she still loves me but doesnt "like" me. What does that mean? I can definitely see the difference in our marriage, shes not affectionate, emotionally or physically. I try to initiate sexual contact but get rejected. I compliment her but she rolls her eyes. I flirt with her, but she blows me off. She has no desire to be in the same room with me. Her personality and attitude has done an absolute 360 degree turn since she became friends with some of her co-workers. Her co workers are married, so I cant imagine HOW that affected it, but I do know her demeaner towards me and the whole "marriage" is negative. She says that she dont like my personality, says that im always rude to people. When in reality, Im not intentionally rude, my personality is that I dont converse with strangers, i dont converse very well with friends. I am a very quiet laid back person. Ive tried to fix that for her, but it lasts for a few weeks then im back to the usual me. What I dont understand, is that I had the exact same personality when her and I were dating, I havent changed at all. She knew that when we got married, why all the sudden does she despise it? I just feel as if the only reason that her and I are married is for the sake of the kids. Which, belive u me I want the kids to be taken care of and be as happy as I was as a kid. But on the same token, I am to the point that I dont want to live in this environment much longer. Has anyone had this similar problem? Any women reading that can share feelings would be great! I just want to save my marriage, and at this point Im the only one working to save it.
Last edited by softball; 11-12-2009 at 10:35 AM.
Reason: spelling
Sounds like neither of oyu are doing things for your marriage. Like most people go to work. Do the chores and take care of the kids.. People forget to date their spouse. Do the little things everyday to make the relationship a relationship. I would suggest on sitting down with your wife and discussing the issues. I'm sure its more then you not being a nice person. If oyu put your time and effort into your marriage and her first you might be surprised at what happens. I bet she is talking to co-workers about your marriage and they are probably saying I wouldn't put up with that. It's not helping you for sure..
I try to initiate sexual contact but get rejected. I compliment her but she rolls her eyes.
The eye rolling means she basically hates you. She is deeply resentful about something. She probably has not told you what it is directly, but she may have hinted at it.
Are you in good shape for your age?
Are you controlling?
Is she having an affair?
I would suspect your wife may have overlooked something back when your dating and was able to ignore it or accept it at the time. The problem is when you have a personality trait that she actually dislikes, it may have just taken time to get out of the honeymoon stage for her to really start to hate it. I think the best way for you to look at this issue is that she has gotten tired of it. It probably is more negativity than she can handle anymore and without you changing your personality trait, she will continue to degress. What you need to do is step back and look at people completely differently. You need to make a concious effort to change that behavior out in public and not just when your with her but when your not as well.
I was completely like you for a very long time. I actually hated other people and considered their position in life (upper class-lower class) a easily predetermined stereotype. Its a hateful way I was going through life and it was very taxing on my relationship at the time. Looking back at myself, I have a really hard time with who I was and it sickens me typing this too. It took a devastating divorce, to open my eyes to who I was to a degree and then a lot of self analysis to reprogram my demeanor. I made a point every day to do something kind for someone and always made sure I was a complete gentleman and kind to anyone who I came into contact with. I can say now that I am not anything like who I was and have been told how completely different I am now.
Your wife may have just that as an issue but there could be many other things piling up too for her. The main thing to focus on is what signs she gives you that there are underlying issues for her that need your help. So listen very closely to what she says, woman can be very subtle, and then think about what it is your doing to fuel that. Stay neutral with her, don't back lash if she tells you something, truly listen to her and what she says without trying to verbally fix anything, and then maybe you will have a good grasp of what it is that you need to change.
I could tell from your verbage that you probably think it is okay for you to have this mentality with strangers and such. If it is your desire to be that way then you basically have to decide of that behavior is more valuable to you than she is to you.
There is a study that eye rolling is a prime indicator of eventual divorce.
When she was dating you, she wanted to catch you. Now that she's caught you, she sees how your inability to be friendly with people reflects on her. You embarrass her. By being married to you, it reflects negatively on her taste.
Also, one of the things to look for when dating is how the SO treats other people. If it isn't good, the general wisdom is to dump them and look for someone who is nicer.
She's seen that you don't think this is important because the changes never stick. You're not going to change so she is finding other people to hang out with who MAKE HER FEEL GOOD ABOUT HERSELF. You do not.
And of course you don't get sex if she doesn't even like your personality.
Do you really want to remain married? If so, get into therapy and work on that personality. If not, stick with the confusion about her having married you with this personality but being unhappy now. It doesn't help you of course. She is where she is NOW. What she was before is a distant memory.
I'm curious what you think you are doing to save the marriage since your forays into personality modification have been short-lived.
I'll give you a hint : it doesn't involve sex. Sex is a good measure of a relationship's health. But it doesn't make the relationship.
Where has the Desire gone?????!!!!!!!!
Re: Where has the Desire gone?????!!!!!!!!
