General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Sorry for the duplicate post as I posted this in another section as well, but wasn't sure where it really belonged.....
I realize that both men and women have friends of the opposite sex and am not naive enought to not expect that. My question is at what point does this friendship evolve into an emotional affair??
I am interested in other views as I believe it is when the party involved is exerting energy to this "friend" and not to his/her spouse. I can understand conversing with someone about specific issues or answering specific questions that are asked. But it would appear to me that a lot of the typical chit chat could be deemed that especially if the married couple has communication issues.
It is when they exert energy toward the friend and away from the spouse. They look forward to it, even need the attention or contact. It isn't a good thing - I speak from experience by my spouse. For it can lead to other things if not cut off. And that is what must happen or the marriage is in trouble. The marriage is in "trouble" already if one spouse is looking to 3rd parties, but the longer an EA goes on, the less likely the offending spouse will return. Again from my experience.
I also am going through the same thing with my wife, it is causing alot of problems in our relationship as well as with our children. One comment mentioned to stop it ASAP, but how? How does a spouse convince the other of whats going on and that it needs to stop especially when they don't see it themselves and are not willing to stop the friendship/relationship. I'm sure I'm not the only one with questions like this and I'm sure that Blown Away is also wondering the same thing if so, I wish you the best of luck.
rod, good question and not easy to answer. How does one avoid the perception of jealousy versus the gut instinct that the friendly relationship is either in or headed for an EA or PA? I went through this with my W. She started a "friendship" that ended up in the sack. Killed me; killed my spirit; severely damaged our relationship - funny thing is - I saw it coming and never took the steps I should have taken to stop it dead - one way or another. I just took the easy way out (probably like most on here) and just hinted at her that I did not like it. I just let it happen by being complacent so I could avoid the ugly realism of a terrible battle and I knew my marriage would be in for an unpredictable rough ride.
If I had known then, what I know today I would have approached the situation completely different. I would have had a SERIOUS sit down conversation with her; look her straight in the eye and tell her how I feel. How I feel - get it. It's not about her and about her friendship with the OP; it's about how I feel and it would have been really simple (tough) - to drive the point home if she would still not have understood and tried to make excuses about how its a friend she wont stop talking to - I would have given her an ultimatum - HIM OR ME. Black and White, Yes and No, simple question with only one answer. In the same conversation it is important to also get her to open up and tell you what it is that is wrong that she would rather pay attention to the OP than you - her husband. There is definitely a problem there that needs to be addressed immediately. And if it's him then bye-bye. Becuase you know what? Eventually, down the road it's going to end up how your gut instincts tell it's going to end up. If you are lucky, she would understand your feelings and care enough about you to support you on it.
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In my mind, it becomes the EA when it starts looking like dating.
My wife had a EA. Like most, it started off as a simple friendship (well, not quite simple since it was her ex-boyfriend), but evolved to the point where she needed to talk to him on a daily basis multiple times. She kept him hidden from me. She'd tell me lies so she could spend more time with him on the phone. It's pretty much like she threw me to the side and committed herself entirely to this new romance. I did get some of the correspondence, and quite frankly it was mostly benign chit-chat which makes it hard. But it's the secrecy and the frequency that really made it cross the line.
Based on what I have discovered through just a week of text messages, there were also little inappropriate signals in their discussions. Simple little things like jokes about her flying to Tokyo with him on a business trip. Comments about each other's looks and some slight sexual overtures. The one that threw me over the edge was a comment "do you ever think of me that way?... jk".
It's sorta hard to pin-point when it crosses the line, but unlike normal friendships, these are affairs of the heart. There is more than just liking that person... it's almost an obsession with being with that person to the point where she was willing to severely damage our relationship to continue to be with him. By obsessive, for her it was 20 or so little text messages, her entire 20 minute commute was on the phone, and about an hour every night when she was supposedly working, every day except weekends. If he had lived in the same city, I'd expect coffee and lunch on a regular basis too. It was heart wrenching to discover the depth of her lies and how easily she could continue to lie to me without any remorse or guilt.
I believe my husband is going through an emotional affair. He is always on the phone with another person (out of state). He has more time on the phone than he does for his own wife and children. It is devastating. He also doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. She feels the same way. Emotional affairs can be just as devastating.
from my experience, it is when a spouse develops a close personal bond with someone of the opposite sex. they put more effort into that relationship than the marriage and discuss things that are inappropriate with someone of the opposite sex. Ultimately, if it is something they hide from you, it isn't good.
I am a recent 'victim' of one of these. Had a rough month with wife, we started to work things out then I find an email in her 'sent' box. The email was from the end of september and ddetails how much she would love to lay her head on this guys chest, wonders what his scent is like, gets all tingly when she imagines holding his hand etc etc.
Now, she has never met this guy, this was all over the internet and telephone.
I was hurt but realized that during that same time period I was totally neglecting her and she was trying to tell me I was neglecting her and I wasn't listening. So she went to him emotionally. The guy did not reciprocate (lol). That is the best part to me.
She admited that allowing feelings to develop for another man, and not telling me about it, was wrong, and for the past few days we have been talking about it, working it out etc and everything is ok. She agreed to totally cut it off, and I watched her tell him she couldn't talk to him anymore and why.
This is someone she was friends with for the past few years. The guy and his wife. The wife died last year. She was there for him and I think really sympathized with him. She gave him attention and affection in abssence of his dead wife and he gave her attention in absence of an attentive husband.
I saw this coming and warned her several times about it. I had asked her directly what was up and she always lied about it, or at least made it sound less than what it was. She never lied about anything like this before. We are brutally honest people.
What hurt me most was that she lied about it and hid it. It really lessens my respect for her and lessened her respect for herself. We are trying to build both back up and its going well.
Really I wouldn't care if she had an EA with 10 men that she never was going to meet, so long as the guy wasn't getting something she wasn't giving me or so long as she didn't take him into greater confidence than me. But she did on all counts.
She does mention that she went to him because she knew he would not reciprocate, that he was 'a safe shoulder to cry on'. The guy is ultra ddepressed about losing his wife andd really wants nothing to do with relationships. He is just numb to the core and has about as much personality as a toe nail. I know because I got to know him and befriended him in the past but he is so lukewarm and vanilla that there wasn't much to keep me interested as a friend (this is before the wife died).
An emotional affair is any relationship that you have with another person (male or female) that is entered into without the knowledge or consent of another party (husband, wife, etc). An emmotional affair is considered by some to be a level above a physical affair - and therefore will be a lot harder to foregive.
Having been in an EA, its a relationship that usually starts off innocently or as just a crush. But, quickly progresses to sharing a lot about yourself with the other person. One of the key signs of it being an EA is that its kept secret from the spouse. Usually it involves a lot of communication by text, phone, emails, etc. Often progresses to flirting & then sexual content and most often to a physical relationship eventually. For me, I don't want to place any blame because I am to blame but I would describe it as an addiction and a feeling that a magnet was pulling me toward this other person. Even though I had a choice, it often felt uncontrollable like an addiction. EAs are VERY hard to break and get over.
An emotional affair is any relationship that you have with another person (male or female) that is entered into without the knowledge or consent of another party (husband, wife, etc). An emmotional affair is considered by some to be a level above a physical affair - and therefore will be a lot harder to foregive.
Bologna!! If that's a emotional affair I guess my wife and I have been cheating on each other forever!!
I guess I better tell my wife she can't have friends or talk to people before she consults me or she is unkowingly committing adultery and having a emotional affair........that's crazy speak.
A emotional affair is easy it's when you cross the line!! Use a little common sense.......
Is it considered an "emotional affair" if your Husband's been emailing his ex-girlfriend since your engagement and after you've wed?
My husband denies it's considered an "emotional affair"...but what is it called when your husband is telling his ex, "he misses her terribly, he thinks about her EVERY single day, he regrets his decision (marrying me), he regrets losing her, he can't bear to hear the details of her life after him bc it hurts him too much and that he's in "awe" of her "(PUKE!!!)...what is all that called?? Isn't that having an emotional affair? Isn't telling your ex you're going to get a divorce when you haven’t even mentioned it to your wife, an inappropriate thing to discuss w/ your ex? Telling her you're sooooooo unhappy and that you miss her? What about telling her (his ex) she's so incredible, and how he wishes he had an ounce of her spirit, strength, etc etc...(I seriously get nauseous just thinking about what he's said to her)
What he has said to his ex is an emotional affair right??
or am I just too "dramatic"(like he says) and should I just get over it??
What kills me most is that he doesn't even feel bad or remorse for hurting me like this. He geninuely believes in his heart, he's done nothing wrong.
What is an Emotional Affair???? 
