Married 14 years on Wednesday....have had our fair share of ups and downs, but always come out hugging in the end. I would acatually say that our marriage is one of the best of our family/friends....
The issue is that I don't know if I'm over-reacting in regards to his keeping in contact with old girlfriends. From time to time, a letter/call will come up, and, while I would love to tell him that I find him communicating with his exes borderline inappropriate, we agreed that he would continue communicating with them, and in return he would let me know when he was talking to them out of respect for me. Seems like a good balance.
Well, he never tells me anymore, and I find myself blindsighted and hurt. Last month I flew out of town for a family funeral, and not only did he meet up with an old girlfriend, (Let's call her GF A) but he actually brought our kids to her brother's house for a BBQ....I didn't find out until my daughters told me, and I felt like I was thrown under a bus.
Then last week I came across a cell phone Text (he often asks me to write them for him while he drives, so I wasn't snooping) anyway....it was from a different old GF, (GF B) And this time it was a message that said "Listen to this song, it's the greatest" And the lyrics were to Rascal Flatts "My Wish"....it basically says I hope you['re happy and know someone out there loves you....I thought that a bit inappropriate and tried to ask him questions vs. accuse him. He ended up mad at me for not trusting him, but we worked it out.
This same first GF A just came up for a kids sporting event, and Hubs drove out to check out the tournament...I wasn't invited, and it was scheduled during the one time I had a meeting for the afternoon.....feeling under the bus again. He always says that it's business related, and she's a client, but I just think it would be more appropriate to invite me. Especially after they all went to a BBQ last time...
So, now it's this weekend, and Hubs hands me his cell phone while he goes to pump gas. Text message comes in from another old GF (GF C) and this one reads "aren't you getting my texts"....and I can see that there was one 2 hours before that was opened which read "I'm so happy for you and your son. I Love You." and there is one more before that that says "Have a Great Time"....all in one day from the same old GF....By now I'm just livid, but we have company over, so I keep my cool for the night. AT one point he asks for his cell phone, and I deliver it to him in private, and he takes a stern tone and says "Now you be careful what you say, here...."
Oh....and, btw...he had erased all the messages by the time he drove from the gas station home....so I had no proof of what was written, even though it's seared in my cornea....
I tell him that I find it inappropriate for an old gf to text the words I love You, and no matter how much I trusted him, her intentions needed to be vetted, and she needed to knock it off, because he was a married man. He claimed that he didn't think it said "I love You" and he didn't even read the message, because he's been so busy. I can't imagine that is true....who deletes texts that are open without reading them? He DID open the texts....
So, am I a paranoid unstable insecure woman? I think 99% of American women would feel the same way, but maybe I'm just off base.....
I don't think you're overreacting at all. If he's meeting up with old girlfriends who are just friends, then you should be invited as well. Especially if he knows this is a sore spot with you, he needs to make you as comfortable with the situations as he possibly can. And as far as the texts, no woman should be texting a married man that she loves him unless she is related to him. my husbands ex texts him sometimes and he signature on the bottom is xoxoxox and that drives me crazy! But it's the signature for all her texts as I've seen on other peoples phones as well. My husband does everything he can to make sure that I'm comfortable with any interaction he has with any ex's, which lucky for me isn't much. I would sit your husband now when you are both calm and explain to you how this makes you feel. You had a deal that he would let you know when there was contact and he's not holding up to his end of the bargin.
I didn't confront him right away because we had guests in for the weekend and we just got home from a car trip We were in seperate cars....he was gassing up when one of the messages came in... and when I handed him his phone back, I know my eyes said everything...hence the erasing/phone call to her....
I displayed the ultimate controll all weekend while the guests (my in-laws were in town)
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Update: Two days of silence and crying/screaming into my pillow. Long periods of me contemplating my sanity...am I really the insecure control-freak my husband claims me to be?
I'm grateful to those of you who verified my sanity
Yesterday I told my husband that we were at the crossroads of "Happily Ever After" and "Goodbye" and he yells back "For the first time in our relationship I don't care which one we take, I honestly don't care"....He storms out of house to work. I come to this forum and post. an hour later, he comes home.
"I thought about everything, and when you take the names off of it, I can see why you would be hurt by reading the message. I know my intentions aren't romantic, and neither are hers, but I can't expect you to know that. I've called GF C and asked her why she was texting me so much. I asked her if her husband would approve of her reaching out to me every time they have a problem..."
He explained to me that she used him as a sounding board, because that's what he does for everyone (which is true) But I then told him that it wasn't his is job to fix his ex girlfriend's problems.
He told me "That exactly what I told her. I told her that she needed to get a counselor for that, and that he wouldn't play that role for her anymore, because she crossed the line by sending an inappropriate text. I asked her to imagine what her husband would think if he intercepted that message. I told her that when her actions start causing problems with my own marriage, it's time to take a step back. I told her to knock it off. She wanted me to apologize for her...she feels terrible that her message hurt your feelings."
I really couldn't have scripted a better apology. He went on to apologize from not seeing things from my point of view. He explained that he's been so busy with work, and kids, and family, and life in general, and he just got impatient and didn't stop to think about how that message might have hurt me, because he knew the intentions from either side weren't romantic....but that was no excuse for hurting my feelings.
excellent outcome for you ldy. I am glad it worked out. It is rare on here that you see such a fast and reasonable resolution to a marriage problem where the ex-gf's, bf's make contact with the SO. So good for you.
What your husband did sounds like something I would do. Similar scenario, I have always maintained a good rapport with exes. It wasn't uncommon to get a card or phone call around holidays, kids birthdays, etc.
I also had a reputation as a sounding board and voice of reason. I always informed my wife. Point was; she was my partner and the one I loved. Always reminded her of that as well. Naively on my part, I actually thought she would be proud of me. However, she hated it. She made it about my choosing old gfs or friends over her - which from my perspective, it never was, and I saw as incredibly damaged thinking.
It is hard to be invested in fixing something that you don't really buy into as being broken. Her demand that I cease all contact only pissed me off - and yes, I saw it as controlling. I viewed it as giving up a part of who I am and always have been, because she was insecure.
I'm rambling ...
The way your husband responded to the issue speaks volumes about him, and how he relates to you. Seriously. Ups and downs aside, you picked a winner.
You want a bizarre secret that will actually make him think that you are equally wonderful?
Ask him about his old relationship(s) - or even what is going on in the life of the chick that kept texting him. By allowing him to openly talk to you about it, you become his confidante. He feels closer to you - not the friend or the ex. Ask him what was good, and what was not so good, and draw parallels with the relationship that you two share. When he tells you that C's husband is doing so and so, and neglecting her - you can point out that you are glad that you two don't share that issue, or 'isn't it great how we dealt with that issue.'
Engage him and he will love you all the more for it - you will be reassured that his behavior is benign, or he will invariably drop contact with them altogether.
Hold his apology over his head and look at him questioningly every time he gets a text and you continue to build walls instead of bridges.
And as an aside ... despite my infrequent contact with old flames, I'm not the one that cheated - nor did I ever consider it ;-)
And here I am back again....same issue, same old flame.....In looking over our phone records, I can see that he's having several texts and 10-20 minute phone calls to/from her lately AAAAGH!
He's leaving town for LA and I'm afraid he's going to hook up with her= GF C (she lives there)....I don't want to drive him away with an acusatory line of questioning, but all the same, I'd like him to tell me if he intends on seeing her this weekend while I stay home with the kids....or maybe I should just fly down there.....or hire an investigator? AAAAAGH now I really sound paranoid.,,,,
Oh, and there's a new twist....we'll call her GF D...all of a sudden his phone was lighting up with messages from her. I asked who she was and he said "just an old friend from school who dated one of his friends...I specifically asked if they'd been intimate, and he says no...two weeks later I run across a list Hubs and I wrote to each other with the list of everyone we'd ever slept with....Guess who's name was on the list? GFD I ask him, and he says he never slept with her, and I ask him why her name would be on the list, was he lying then, or is he lying now? and guess who is picking him up in LA? GF D....AAAAGH!!
My issue is he's taking it farther then the weekly "Have a good week!" or "Happy Birthday great pics of the kids" type of dialogue. I have a ex that is very dear to me, but we talked about the past ONCE and that's it. It provide closure for me, very much needed, and we wish each other well. She was a very important part of my life.
To try to take that further and pick her up, talk on the phone for long periods, that seems to cross the boundary with me. I have never talked to my ex on the phone and to be honest doing so would seem almost like cheating.
We facebook IM and that's it and both are happily married. Good luck......I would be frank and ask how he would feel about situations being reversed as well as why the face to face contact? Why put yourself in that situation?