Can you really rekindle love
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Can you really rekindle love

Any advice would be appreciated please.

I left my husband 6 weeks ago. I fell in love with my bestfriend, and I know we can never be together because of circumstances. I left my husband because the agony of having feelings for someone else was destroying me inside and I didn't want to live a lie. My husband wants me back and say's he loves me but I'm not sure I love him. We've been together 30 years.

I feel I have to go back, and make an attempt to rekindle love. I'm just not sure it is possible if I have strong feelings for someone else. How do I get this other person out of my head to make a true attempt of rekindling love with my husband?

My husband tells me he loves me, but makes no attempt to do the little things to show it? I'm tired of making all the attempts and have given up. That's why I left. Is it possible for him to change? I thought this separation would wake him up, but it hasn't. Can you force love and intimacy? It's too painful staying in a marriage where intimacy doesn't exist. I don't want to hurt him, but how can I tell he really loves me and it's just not words?
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can you really rekindle love

Katrin, what has this "amazing person" done for you that cannot possibly be performed by your husband? Is it that he actively listens to what you have to say? He buys you little gifts? He compliments you on your appearance?...Impressive, and of course he has your best interests at heart. That's why he'd have you walk away from a long-term relationship that's biggest flaw sounds as if it's complacent. I see, what a "swell guy".

Who is this superhuman you speak of? If only I knew his name, that I might sit at his feet and learn of his wisdom. Who else on Earth can achieve such great things as "best friend",...hmmm. Oh, I know now. Your husband can. Little things are just that Katrin, little things. If you really want to rekindle your relationship, treat your Hubby like you treat this other guy, and stand back and watch the change.

Women of the world harken unto my voice. If you are unsatisfied with the way your husband is treating you, odds are he's thinking the same thing about you. Love him, and he will love you. Neglect him, and well...he'll neglect you. It worked in the beginning ladies. It will work in the middle, and yes, it will also work at the end. Now go and meditate on this. LIL
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can you really rekindle love

Well I disagree with the last poster - I think little things DO matter. Intimacy matters a lot. Showing you love someone and are attracted to them is what keeps the whole thing rolling. Even non-demonstrative types, if they care enough, can learn to give out the message in a way that is meaningful to the other.

Katrin - I think you have to work out what you want in this case - and there are no shoulds or shouldn'ts.

First of all - do you love your husband? Deep down do you actually like the guy? Did you enjoy living with him? If so, then re-kindling is possible, but you have to face the possibility that he may never change his ways.

If you really aren't bothered about him, or don't know if you are or not, then maybe you could spend time alone until you sort out where you want to go from here. Don't be in a hurry to choose one guy over the other.

Why do you feel you have to go back?

Just because your husband says he loves you doesn't necessarily mean you should go back to him.

Just because you've been married 30 yrs, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay together another 30.

It would hurt your husband more in the long run if you went back to him out of pity or duty.
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Old 11-22-2009, 04:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can you really rekindle love

I agree with coffee bean. It really boils down to exactly what you want. I wouldn't get tangled up, however, with another person until you have things firmly settled in your head and heart, however.

Last edited by dawnie; 11-22-2009 at 04:10 PM.
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Old 11-22-2009, 04:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can you really rekindle love

Sounds like your husband doesn't understand the way you experience love. He probably does love you, just that for him "little things" aren't the way he experiences love.

Most women go ahhhhhhhh..... over romantic cards for instance. Most men just go huh? What do I need this for? He's likely been trying to express love to you all along in the way he experiences love.

You definitely need to break off the affair. End it completely. There is no way you can rekindle your love for your husband when you are so clearly proving by your actions you are pursuing someone else.

I really suggest marriage counseling and reading His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage together.
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Old 11-22-2009, 05:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can you really rekindle love

The Five Languages of Love is also a must read....for everyrone. Atholk is right. Sometimes if you aren't connecting it's just that you experience and express love differently. A small adjustment can make all the difference in the world.

I expressed love through Physical Touch and Affection...my wife experienced fulfillment through Words of Affirmation. We missed the boat for years...even though we both felt we were trying....and we never knew why.

Read the book.
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Old 11-22-2009, 06:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can you really rekindle love

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenandBlue View Post
The Five Languages of Love is also a must read....for everyrone. Atholk is right. Sometimes if you aren't connecting it's just that you experience and express love differently. A small adjustment can make all the difference in the world.

I expressed love through Physical Touch and Affection...my wife experienced fulfillment through Words of Affirmation. We missed the boat for years...even though we both felt we were trying....and we never knew why.

Read the book.
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

that's a couple dollars useed as well. Seriously - don't miss reading it.
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Old 11-23-2009, 08:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can you really rekindle love

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My husband tells me he loves me, but makes no attempt to do the little things to show it?
How about the big things to show you he loves you if you think back in time? What's more important to you? The big or little things? Did you keep doing the little things to show HIM throughout the marriage?Sometimes you have to lead by example, specially with a person that might not KNOW how to do the little things and what those little things are.

Quote:
I thought this separation would wake him up, but it hasn't.
If he still claims he loves you despite that, it might just be that he doesn't know how to do those little things.

Quote:
Can you force love and intimacy? It's too painful staying in a marriage where intimacy doesn't exist. I don't want to hurt him, but how can I tell he really loves me and it's just not words?
You can't force it, but you can inspire it If you've tried changing him simply by asking him to do stuff, you might as well give up.

Feelings are just feelings, they come and go. One day you love your spouse, the other you hate him. After 30 years you're bored of your husband and the other man is fresh, new, exciting, romantic. You probably crave that novel feeling of it all.

First decide which one you want. Yeah, sure, rekindling your marriage is possible, but only you can know how to, there isn't a manual for it, and it has the chance to fail.
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Old 11-23-2009, 09:15 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can you really rekindle love

The fact that you are here and asking if it is possible to fix your marriage and rekindle things, says to me that you still think it's possible. If that is true, then throw yourself into this relationship and really work at it. Communication is the key here. You two really need to sit and talk about things, and LISTEN to each other!

Yes you can rekindle your love. You just need to appreciate each other. Make an effort and don't allow yourselves to fall into a rut.

That being said....Everyone deserves to love and be loved in return. If you can't love your husband the way he deserves, let him go so he can find someone who can.
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