General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm about 6 weeks out from my wife having an EA on me along with a kiss. There is a thread down a ways regarding this.
Anyhow, I am UP and DOWN like crazy. I am having a very difficult time trusting my wife. Caught her in a little lie as well last night about money... not important but still a lie is a lie and really put me over the edge emotionally.
Do these feelings go away? jotabravo, I think that all depends. How is that for a helpful answer? Seriously though, a lot hinges on your wife's behavior e.g. does she show legitimate remorse, or more of the same when it comes to relationships with other men.
Money is one thing and infidelity is another jotbravo. I would be careful in not "lumping" all trust issues into one basket. This is the part where you can reply and tell me you have never told a small white lie to your wife regarding something you bought.
It hurts at least for awhile jotbravo, but I would encourage you to spend your energies trying to figure out why your wife feels so detached from you. Any recent job changes, deaths, moves? Find a mutual hobby and shore up the relational aspects of your marriage. In short, focus on what you can change. LIL
Of course I have told a little white lie, who hasnt... it is human nature right? I try my best not to however.
We are in counseling and working forward. For the most part we are doing much better. It is hard to gauge the situation because I get so caught up in my emotions. I have never been controlled by emotions before like I am now. It is hard for me to judge where she is at as well because the only way for me to do this is to compare her to how I would be in her shoes and it is very different. We are different people.
It has to be easier to be the cheater coming back that the one cheated on trying again.
I am trying, I want the marriage to go forward but there are things that I am uncomfortable with and I hope that either I can change or they can change. Have to admit there are sometimes I just want to give up, give her whatver she wants, avoid all conflict and move on in my life. Our marriage has been up and down for a long time, I dont want history to repeat itself over again. This was the first time that it went this far but who knows what the future holds. She says she fell out of love with me... so I am battling to win her heart back, keep my head sane, and to do my part in making our marriage what it should be.
I've been in my relationship with my husband for 17 years....we first met when I was 16 and him 19 (might I add he already had a child) red flags I ignored but was impressed bcuz he was a good young father. We just got married in 2008 which took so long because of the damage that was done thruout the years. During this time its been hell. I think we've had more bad times then good times together. The only happy times I really can say were good is the birth of our 2 daughters. It's a long drawn out story of infidelities on both parts, I'm just tired. He cheated from the start, and had a love child during our relationship. When I found out he had another child on the way I was devastated after I tried to break up with him but e apologized, threatened suicide and I took him back because obviously I cared more about his feelings than my own. Then I cheated because I wasn't truly over this love child and this has been a pattern..I know this is so stupid!!! His history is not all that great. All the men in his family cheat on their girlfriends and wives like its the cool thing to do, with the exception of 1, or 2, now I'm pushing it.
Long story short, getting married and getting spiritually connected through religious beliefs was my last attempt to see if I can truly sustain all the hurt and pain. Recently, I'm seeing that it's some indications pointing to him cheating with my childhood friend but I haven't gotten any facts. So at this point, I'm just so fed up and ready to let go to gain some self strength and identity. I feel so low and with my girls involved I'm trying to figure out the best way to exit. Please help!
I know I used to trust my wife - unconditionally. But that is gone now. Everything I understand is that its a long, slow road to regaining trust, and your partner must be willing to work very hard.
They have to be open and accountable. They have to avoid questionable situations. They can't do the things they were doing before.
If they do these things and a lot more, then, supposedly, the trust can come back.
Yesterday, she is going out to take some stuff back to the store and then to get her hair done at 1:30. She told me she had a hair appt. Long story short, the day just kept not making sense, intuition kicked in. I made a call to the salon she was going to and they are close on Sundays. 4 hours later i find out she is at the mall with a friend.
The whole trip was supposed to take 2 hours and she was gone for 5-6.
Now my intuition also tells me that she was not up to anything except that she just wanted to be out at the mall. For some reason though she felt that she had to lie.
My wife has always had a problem with lying. So it is hard for me to regain trust and it is hard for me to keep my head in the right place all while this is going on.
We talked about it last night and she goes on telling me that I am suffocating her. Always checking up on her.... Sad part is if she told me she wanted to go out all day with a couple friends to the mall or whatever, I would have no problem with that. I told her that before she lied and again after I confronted her. So I have the doubt in my head, WHY did she feel the need to lie.
She also tried changing her story a bunch to make it my fault. In the end she concludes that her hair appt was actually at the mall, that she made it in the morning. Looking at her cell phone record, she never made any appointments in the morning... another lie. I never brought that to her attention.
On a positive note, she is trying in a lot of areas to make our situation better, but this kind of stuff definitley does not help.
I believe that with time and the right actions of your wife, that the pain of the EA will wane. To be perfectly honest with you, lying and sneaking around (even if it's to the mall), is not a good sign. It doesn't sound to me like she is making much of an effort here. She just expects the aftermath of the EA to go away?
Maybe she is ashamed of what she did. Maybe she just wants to forget that it ever happened. The problem is, she may be able to wipe it from her mind, but that doesn't mean you can. It looks to me like she just wants to go back to how it was before. It doesn't work that way.
If she is still continuing to be sneaky, that is a bad sign. In my opinion, it shows a huge lack of respect for you and your feelings. I hope I'm wrong.
Infidelity and Trust
