General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
It was like I had an epiphany when I realised this... The key issues in a marriage are trust, respect and communication. If you dont have one (or in my case all three) then the love part gets eroded away anyway. My husband doesnt respect me. He talks down to me a lot, criticises me a lot, disagrees with almost every suggestion that I make and acts as if he always knows more than me. It is extremely frustrating and soul destroying. We dont talk. I dont trust him to take care of my feelings when I need to talk. He will either become defensive (especially if he doesnt understand what I am saying), or he will make me feel as if I am wrong to feel as I do to shut me up faster. Thats how I feel anyway. He doesnt talk to me. If we have an argument over the state of our marriage he will almost always say it is my fault. If I changed this or changed that then things would get better, so I do, but they dont. He definitely doesnt trust me. He thinks that the moment his back is turned I will have an affair. The reason for that is this: I was in contact with my ex boyfriend when hubby and I first met, but we were NOT married, only been together a month and this was six years ago! Its one of the main things we've fought about. He says to give him time, but it still gets brought up periodically. Why cant he get over it??
I guess my question is this: how do I gain back my husband's respect? How do I gain back my own? How do we learn to talk? How do I get him to trust me again? What should I do? Married people are supposed to be "one flesh" but I dont feel that. I feel very apart from him. I have divorce at the back of my mind all the time, but because I LOVE him, I hang on just a little bit longer, if I love him enough it will get better... It's not enough though. The love is a painful kind, because we dont have anything else to strenghen it.
I guess my question is this: how do I gain back my husband's respect? QUOTE]
What makes you think he has ever respected you? Are you going by how he acted when you first met him and started dating? because at that time you really did not KNOW each other. Not like now. Now you know him, and in fact he may have never respected you from what you say about how he treats you.
You cannot make someone respect you. If he won't you cannot make him, no matter what you do, how hard you try or what you will end up doing in your efforts.
The one thing you can do is save yourself at this point and learn not to base your self worth and happiness upon his approval. Take all that energy and good faith you have and DO NOT PUT IT IN HIM... but yourself and work to LOVE YOURSELF in a healthy way because at least then, you have a far better chance of finding happiness, and maybe even love...
but sad to say, most likely not going to be with the guy your with now.
BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT....
At least then too... you will know someone loves you, even if its you who loves you, at least you'll be sure someone does !
Better to be alone than with a man like the one you desribe, he will wear you into the ground with his unrealisitc demands and it will all end up a waste of your time, which is added up to your life and you do not want to waste the time you have on this planet with
a man who does not respect you or treats you badly.
I left a guy JUST LIKE THE ONE YOUR DESCRIBING after a decade of asking the same questions, breaking up, going back together.. a decade of my life wasted on such a selfish and unrealisitc man.... time I will NEVER GET BACK.
Sure hope that doesn't happen to you.
After I finally gave up and started to learn to love myself and work onmy co-dependendancy issues ( which is what your problem is right now, your co-depdedent, meaning you base your happiness on his) , I was surprised how it effect my whole life for the better and I became a healthy, happy person who learned not only what real love was, but also how to pick a better partner.
because I was soooooooo old by this time and near 50 I didn't figure I'd ever find a man I'd even want to TRY with again as I found most men near my age were full of many of the same qualities that other man had, severe baggage, and also did not look too appealing to my eyes. So.. I didn't focus on finding love or a man... I just went on with life and enjoyed life. I was happy and felt good.
Then one day... all of a sudden and without warning... this HANDSOME, FUNNY, SMART man walked into my life, and I married him not long after. He was not a jerk but a good, solid, honest man
with the right qualities to be a good and loving and emotioanlly mature partner.
It's a different world with a good man like that who is actually a spouse and partner... and to be loved.. not constantly harrased and treated badly... ugh !
and if anything ever happens to you like some unexpected and major surprise like you get in a super bad car accident and lose your legs or get some rare form of brain cancer....
YOU BETTER HOPE AND PRAY YOUR NOT WITH A MAN like the one you have now.
Save yourself... forget why he is this and that or why he does this and that...
doesn't matter you can't make him love, respect you or treat you well. Move on and work on yourself, not him... he is a lifetime project for some woman who needs the lessons. Don't be her.
Learn to be someone who you believe is WORTH better and you will GET better and the way you do that is to not use up years and decades with someone hoping, trying and praying he was a better man. Find a man who isn't a project but one who gives love freely and without conditions if your going to date and stay away from those men who are lifetime projects, leave thenm for the younger, less experienced
women who need the lessons or like drama and pain, confusion and heartache... as some do.
Doesn't sound like your enjoying it so much, so pass him on to someone who can better appricitate all his quirks and problems.
He is mad about something that happened 6 years ago, before you were married....
sounds to me like that is just an excuse to treat you bad. He can't move on?
oh come on.................... it is an excuse he uses to treat you badly and instill guilt in you.
If he can't deal with it, so be it...
you will have to leave him. If it wasn't that, I'm sure he would find something else to be mad at you and upset with about.
If not that, then something else. The man I was with was like that too, after 10 years he even said I couldn't sing ( you know like sing songs) and that was really undfortunate as singers were so attractive and appealing, such good people!.... as I guess he ran out of ammo and thats all he could come up with. ? ... hahaha
He will always find something to control you, make you feel guilty and not deserving of love. He is not a good man for a husband.
Here is a good place to start...
by not only examining your views of love...
( what it is .........and consists of, etc)
but, to actually experience it... !!!!!.... by giving it to yourself.
A good and useful use of your time... is to forgive yourself for
getting involved with and trying so hard to change the man your with.
the fact is, you cannot change anyone.
When you forgive yourself for your mistakes in this and with him...
you will feel one part of REAL love
which is forgiveness.
It will help you know more about love, the real deal kind of love, not
some imitation variety that is anything but real.
Wow, I'm really concerned about all of the poor self-esteem floating around here.
We teach people how to treat us.
I am also concerned by some of the things you say about your husband, how he treats you - they border on verbal/mental abuse.
If you want respect, learn to respect yourself. If you want trust, learn to trust yourself. If you want communication, you must be able to communicate with yourself first.
If you can do those three things to yourself, then your husband will have little choice but to respect you. Because you will require it, as any self-respecting woman would. If he can't tolerate respecting you, treating with fairness, dignity, affection, kindness, and consideration, then he's not a man worthy of you, your attention and time... which means some decisions are in order.
Decide what things you can live with and what things you refuse to live with, and stick to it.
No decent man with even half a brain in his head (let alone a man truly worth his self-respecting salt) would expect anyone to be a mental punching bag or a door mat, which is kinda what you taught him was okay to be towards you. If he's disrespectful call him on it. If he's mean, tell him so. When he's critical, call him on it and refuse to accept it and put the ball right back square into his court. If he gets abusive when you do so, maybe you'll need to make some decisions.
A couple times while I was talking to my husband he walked away. Not only rude, but HUGELY disrespectful and I called him on it and demanded an explanation and apology, both of which I got.
It's never acceptable to allow someone to speak to you or treat you the way you've been allowing your husband to.
Thanks guys; some things to absorb and ponder.. Your advice is appreciated. Interestingly I have lost a lot of respect for myself along with my self confidence. I used to be a lot 'better' - I guess you're right and the first point is starting work on ME!
I know too well how your feeling and based on what you've said it sounds like verbal/mental abuse. By any chance is your hubby a Cancer...kiddin!! But seriously there is nothing you can do to make him respect you or change him. Some people are just negative, critical people. Some people just ALWAYS see fault in other people. You can change your actions but you can't change the way you think or feel based on someone else's opinion that's bordering too close to changing who you are. You don't want to compromise and compromise with someone who is unwilling to. (feeling like a drone) because you'll spend the entire relationship or God forbid your entire LIFE trying to please your spouse only to realize their not trying to please you and this isn't what you want and sometimes LOVE is NOT enough!
WhatNow -
I feel exactly like you do. When I try to talk to my husband about my feelings he asks me "why are you busting my balls?" "Why do I have to pay because YOU'RE unhappy?" I can't tell you how much that hurts. My husband lives in the past. I cheated on a boyfriend to be with him, and he cheated on his wife to be with me. He has never trusted me in 15 years, and has accused me off and on for the whole time. Just like QuitaBee said, when I say or do anything he throws it right back on me. I work full time, we have 2 young children, and I have 25 pets to take care of every day. But he does NOTHING to help. He doesn't help with the children, the chores, the animals, and now won't even listen when I talk. Last night he was on the computer, and he criticized me for leaving our 3 year old in the bath while I was doing laundry. Meanwhile, he was on the internet doing whatever it is that he does. I keep saying, should I try again? But he has always accused me of cheating, he has always criticized most of the things I've done, the only recent development is not caring about me ATALL. He accused me of having an affair 2 weeks after we bought a new house together. It was 6 years since the last accusation, and I thought it was in the past. But you see, the past never stays in the past. You can try and try to earn his respect, but it will be a battle that you can never stop. I just can't get myself to leave because he is a good father, and our children adore him. And I am afraid to be alone, to grow old alone. But every day I'm sad, and I don't want you to feel that way to. Wouldn't you love to hear someone tell you that you look nice, or you did a good job on something? Marriage counseling can help a problem, but it won't change your husband's personality. Sorry for rambling, but it was uncanny to hear your story and how close it resembles mine. And Preso, you gave me hope that maybe some day I could find happiness. You reminded me of how precious time is too - you can't get these wasted days (or years) back.
Love is not enough.
But seriously there is nothing you can do to make him respect you or change him. Some people are just negative, critical people. Some people just ALWAYS see fault in other people. You can change your actions but you can't change the way you think or feel based on someone else's opinion that's bordering too close to changing who you are. You don't want to compromise and compromise with someone who is unwilling to. (feeling like a drone) because you'll spend the entire relationship or God forbid your entire LIFE trying to please your spouse only to realize their not trying to please you and this isn't what you want and sometimes LOVE is NOT enough!
