wherewegofromhere

I posted a few months ago about the situation between my husband and myself in the section for those considering separation or divorce -- But a recap: My H and I have been married for five years. Within those five years we've lost a stillborn and three miscarriages. We took a break for the past two years. And in the summer of this year I found out that he had already had a vasectomy without telling me, a year ago. This has been devastating to the point where I couldn't look at him for months, and some days, I still can't.

He's already told me he'd be willing to reverse the surgery but I can tell it's not something he has any desire to do. I got very nice feedback on the last post, and since then I thought we made progress and I've gotten some very good advice, but now I find myself with this new problem:

It's becoming painfully clear to me that I'm surrounded by men who won't have any qualms about giving me what I want. And maybe it's just my desperation talking and maybe It's a train of thought that I should stop before it starts but it's getting harder to ignore with every passing day.

I love my H-- no matter what we've been through. I don't want to betray him and I know this will do just that. But I'm stuck here. I don't want to leave him, and I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to do but what about what I want?


Women get their miracles after the same pain I'm living through, and I just want my chance?

Am I being selfish? What can I do?

preso

Sounds to me... like you have some serious depression
and what you might think about doing is getting into a serious
program with a therapist as soon as possible

before you get yourself into boatloads of problems, maybe somne from the men who are all around you seeming to be able to give you what you want
as what they may seem to be willing to give... may not be
what it actually will be

add that on top of the depression you already have
and your cooking up the recipe for things you may never dreamed of... nightmare like stuff.

MEM11363

It really and truly is ok to divorce someone in order to have children. It really - really is. But you cannot get pregnant and then hope he will just accept another mans child. That is not just wrong - but disaster - he WILL have the baby dna tested due to his vasectomy....

I do think what your H did was wrong - but that does not justify an affair.

How old are you?

wherewegofromhere

Preso,

I can understand how you would come to that conclusion, and if I am depressed I can promise it isn't anymore than any other woman would be in my condition. But I don't feel depressed right now, I feel determined. And for the first time, in a long time, motivated.

But maybe I am setting myself up for boatloads of trouble.

MEM11363,

I am 28 years old and my husband is 31. He wanted children as badly as I do, but I think the miscarriages were too much. We love each other but I'm not sure how this is going to work. I don't want to make him reverse the surgery if he doesn't want to take the risk of losing the baby again, but I'm not ready to stop trying.

I thought considering divorce so I could pursue this would make me some kind of monster but I don't know what I can do. I love my husband but he isn't leaving me with a lot of choices here.

StrongEnough

I am just wondering, when my husband had his vasectomy, I had to sign a waiver stating I agreed with this procedure and would not present legal action against the hospital.

I thought that was a fairly common practice. Did you not have to sign anything?

__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.

Atholk

This is going to sound very cold and clinical, but I'll do it anyway...

You're 0 for 4 with this man. That's bad. You guys may not be wonderfully compatible genetically and your body may be purposely ending the pregnancies. Your husband has NO interest in having children as well.

Time to try a new semen supplier. Do the right thing and divorce him and find someone new. Fall in love with someone new.

Very sad story though.

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

MEM11363

True story. My nephew and his first wife tried to conceive for 5 years. Doctors told them they were both fertile.

They divorced and each remarried someone new. They have each now had multiple children with their new partners and without the help of fertility treatments/drugs of any type.

It is odd and I admit to not understanding it but it is true.

I think Atholk is right. And I feel for your husband. But in the depths of a mutual despair he abandoned you by having this surgery and deceived you by not telling you about it promptly. While I am sorry for him - I am 10 times more sympathetic to your cause. As the husband - we don't get to abandon our wives when they need us most - regardless of how much it hurts. That is just part of the job description.

Atholk

That's both a sad and happy story. I hope your nephew and first wife have peace with each other.

My wife and I are from differing countries, and with a strong genetic compatibly. (I am by nautre a quiet shy man, but became exceptionally assertive around my wife when we met - it's a long story, but we both became unhinged over the other instantly) Our "make a baby sex" was so effortless I'm refered to as "the baby sniper". First attempt was probably successful on the first try and healthy daughter. Second attempt worked on first try as well, but miscarried about couple weeks after the pregnancy test. She was very sad for about 3-4 weeks... and pregnant again with healthy daughter #2. There is an element of luck here, but also your genetic matching can adjust the odds importantly.

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

lastinline

I agree it's wrong to be sterilized without consulting your spouse. That much is a given, but the reality of the situation is men grieve too when they loose a child. My wife and I have had six kids together, and three miscarriages along the way.

Every child we lost was followed up by a prompt pregnancy, so that helped, but in reality none of these kids could actually be replaced. I still think about them. We literally got pregnant on our wedding night, and I lost that child while I was still in the service. I can remember walking across our quarterdeck after receiving the news. The officer of the deck had no idea what had transpired, so he made a little joke about my tears. I nearly took his head off. Nothing became of the incident, but I spent a lot of time with the Chaplain before I got things right again with God.

What I am saying is it hurts, even large tough guys who are trained to break and kill things, WWGFH. What he did was decidedly wrong, but for less money than a divorce you can have this thing reversed. Time is the biggest factor in these things, so find yourself a decent counselor and a skilled surgeon and make this right. You owe him at least that. Hear his reason at least. I know he feels exactly the same way you do WWGFH, he just chose another way to deal with his pain. He chose to hide from being hurt again by getting sterilized. Our society sucks, men aren't encouraged to let others know we actually have feelings. Situations like this are just the sad product of that conditioning. Way to go class. LIL

lastinline

No as a doctor, I didn't even have to go to the education classes. They waived everything. I said, "we've been married for 15 years with six kids, and you want me to go to what classroom, and fill out what coloring book?." That was nuff said from their end, but my wife was certainly in the loop on the decision. We didn't feel comfortable with the risk of O.B.C., and it was far less complicated than having her fixed. So there you have it, not always.
LIL

wherewegofromhere

StrongEnough,

Not only was I never asked to sign a waiver, I never even saw a hospital bill. I know I was never looking for any signs of betrayal but I feel like I would have noticed a hospital bill. He went to great lengths to keep this from me. It's ughh. I can't even -- I'm glad you and your H came to that decision mutually.



Atholk,

Thank you very much for the feedback, I'm grateful. It doesn't sound could and clinical. It's honest and I appreciate that. I know we've lost a lot, believe me, I can't forget it.

He hasn't told me that he doesn't want kids. He's told me he doesn't want to do with anymore risky pregnancy. He keeps suggesting surrogacy and adoption because medically, I'm the problem. But we've seen doctors and I've even gone alone to see specialist and there are treatments and I have options. I love him so much and I know he loves me and maybe by doing this I'm not being fair.

I don't know, is it okay to pick up and start a new life because of this?

Atholk

That you have a medical issue regarding pregnancy success was need to know information that I would have given different advice for. This is all far more complex now.

Agree with Lastinline on this one. He can't go through another failed pregnancy, and just as importantly can't watch you go through another failed pregnancy.

I do think it's foolish for men to get vasectomies if they have wives remotely interested in getting pregnant, but in this case I think he's just gotten desperate.

I don't know on this one. Very difficult situation.

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

wherewegofromhere

MEM11363,

Your story is inspiring and I want children but I guess I'm not sure I want to leave my husband. But my love for him doesn't always trump my desire for a baby. I don't know why I feel this way.


Lastinline,

You and your wife are lucky to have such a lovely family. And that's all I want. I know that this has hurt my husband, I've seen it and I think that's why he doesn't want to try anymore and maybe I should respect that. But the breach of trust makes it harder for me to consider his feelings when he clearly didn't consider mine. I saw him grieve, I know what this did to him.

And I completely agree with you, maybe he was trying to save us both from some pain by doing what he did. But it made things worse. I know he will get it reversed if I ask him to, but is it right to ask him to go along with something I know he doesn't want to go through again?

I know I owe him the chance to explain, but I think he owes me too. Does that make sense?

wherewegofromhere

I know this is tough, I guess that's why I'm so desperate for help. I appreciate anything you give.

It's distressing. I guess I have a lot to think about.

Atholk

Please tell me he put some semen on ice somewhere.

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/