Newly Weds and Problems already, I am so confused??
Hi. My husband and I have beed married for only about 9 months. We went to school together and had a bit of a crush on each other. We spent alot of time together in school but nothing really happened as his family moved away. Then about 16 months ago we bumped into each other again and it all happened so fast. We know from then and there that we were meant to be together. We got married 6 months later. It was wonderful and I love him so much and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have a few sex issues. We dont have sex often. It was much worse but we have managed to improve it to about once a week, but that is really still not good enough for either of us. The problem there is that I feel that I need us to be bonded and loving towards each other in order to feel like sex and he feels that he needs to bond with me through sex in order to feel bonded and be loving to me. So we both have the opposite view. We are both working through this together to make it better for the both of us. I do understand his view on the sex thing, its hard to explain, but he is very emotional and physical at the same time and being a man, his emotions work with that bond that sex brings. I on the other hand need the bond first.
The problem here is a few months ago, we were both drinking very much. We were fighting alot. And from his side a few times the fights got a little bit too much. He never hit me, but it was rather violent. Pushing and shoving things in my face, literally. But he never hit me. This all got a bit too much so I stopped drinking. When ever he drinks he gets very ugly and petty. I felt that where we were then, it will get worse if we dont do something about it, and he might hurt me one day or beat me up so I made a decision that I was not going to put my life at risk. I told him this and he agreed. He decided to stop drinking on his own. Things were going very well. But as soon as we have an arguement about something a little serious, he walks out and goes and drinks with his riends. And then he sleeps at his friends house because he knows that he must not come near me when he is drunk because of what has happened in the past. This has happened so many times now, I am getting sick of it. Its predictable. I dont want to be scared to argue with him cos he might go out and drink. Then if I phone him to ask him where he is he wont tell me, its like a little control game for him. But this is now because he has been drinking. It happened once that I called to ask him where he is and he wouldnt tell me, but then 10 minutes later he called me to find out where I am and if I was safe. Its rediculous. He has no idea how pathetic he is when he has been drinking. I feel like Ive had enough now. He cant just walk out on me as he pleases. I slept alone in our bed again last night cos he walkied out. Then this morning he calls me to find out I I am at work already. Like nothing happened. I feel as though he thinks that I must just put up with it and let him do as he pleases. He is so considerate and caring otherwise. Its the alcahol that makes his so horrible. I feel as though I have reached my limit now and I dont know how to deal with it. I love him and I so want us to work. But I cant let him keep doing this to me. Its jsut not on. If I let him do these things so early in the marriage then its going to become a pattern of our marriage and Ill end up misserable and walked all over. I dont want that, I know he doesnt want that either. He has said that he does not want to drink. He wants to be sober. I know that I am not the easiest person. I know that I can be a little hectic, you know, high maintanance and emotional, like any woman. So I know that I could also try to be a little different and not drive him to drinking. But I cant be held responsible for his decisions. I cant be scared to argue with him incase he walks out. Fights do happen, and most of them, if done correctly, are healthy. What do I do? Last night we faught because he has to go to another city for an important appointment about his children. We had discussed it a few months ago and had agreed that we would only go if we can go together, we are husband and wife and we need to act as a union. And something as important as this should be done by us toether. But I cant get off work so he feels that he should go without me. We need to make that same trip a few days later and I feel that we dont have the money to do it twice in one month. I know his kids are important, but I feel that we should do this together, and he feels that it should just be done, wether its with or without me. I am NOT happy about that. Now today, I have spoken to my boss and I have managed to organise the time off sothat I can go for this appointment with him and stay there until we had to be there the second time. I have still not spoken to my husband about this because I am still at work now. But now I feel, why should I make this effort now that he walked out last night. And he was ready to go without me anyway. I am so angry and confused. HELP ME!!!
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