elee

My husband and I have been married three years, and have been together for a total of six. I am at the point where I am ready to get pregnant within the next six months. We have both agreed that we want children, but every time I try to bring it up with him, he gives me silly answers, jokes about it, and then changes the subject.

I've also tried talking with him about our work situations after we have children. I really want to stay at home for at least the first couple of years. When I try to discuss this with him, he voices very adamantly that I will NOT be a stay at home mom, he does not want to be the only working parent, and he feels that he will have to work extra hard, and not get to see his kids much. (Money would be tight if I did not work, but it would be do-able.)

It hurts me that he refuses to see my point of view, or consider my feelings. I know myself well enough to know that working full time, and commuting to work while taking care of a baby at the same time will make me feel stressed and unhappy. He doesn't seem to understand or care how I feel. I am trying to see his point of view, but he will not see mine. I understand that he may not be ready for a baby yet, but it's not like I'm trying to get pregnant today, I just want to talk about it for the future to have an idea where we are at, and where it will lead us. I also don't nag him about it, I just wait and bring it up again maybe a few weeks later.

I don't know how to come to a compromise. I don't want him resenting me if I stay at home, and I know I will resent him if he forces me to work. I would just like to get this squared away BEFORE we decide to have a child.

Deejo

I don't mean to wag my finger at you, but frankly, you should have had this discussion before you got married.

The situation you point out above is exactly what we faced. Ten years and two children later - my spouses refusal to work (to be available to the kids), led to us nearly losing our home. I took a new job, lots of travel, late nights - more money, but the damage was done. We lost the marriage at the cost of being parents - and if you allow that to happen, it comes full circle, you aren't doing your unborn children any favors.

I'm not saying he's right and you're wrong. What I am saying, is that if you both don't get it right - it will be wrong regardless.

Going to make a blanket statement here, I won't claim that it applies to all men, but you would do well to run it by your husband. I married my wife to have a happy, loving, life-long relationship with her. Did I want children? Yes. But not at the cost of my marriage. The kicker is, you won't know if they will cost you your marriage until you are parents and discover what impact the relationship with your children has on your relationship with your husband.

That's great that you want to be home with your children. But I can tell you from experience that "it's doable" means the onus to make it doable is on your husband.

I adore my children. My soon-to-be-ex and I are still dedicated to their happiness and well-being. We both have the children we wanted, but it cost us our family.

Think long, talk often, be both realistic and honest about your current circumstances and future prospects. I wish you well.

Sven

Another reason to be a working mom is to preserve your career in the event of problem later on - either divorce, death, layoffs, etc. You don't know the future and I think a woman with a career should keep it if only to provide a backup in case something happens with the husband and his job.

elee

Yes, I understand what you are trying to say, and I realize that it would have best been settled before getting married, but we were young. Also we've planned ahead for this, we chose our house based on would we still be able to afford it on only one income, not only for having children, but because no, you don't know what the future holds. What if one of us lost our job? What if one of us became sick or injured and could not work? So yes, money would be tight, but we would not lose our house, we wouldn't even be applying for food stamps, it would just be tight. We would have to cut back on some luxuries, spend money more wisely, which I think is a necessary sacrifice for a worthy cause.

Don't you think it is unfair for one partner to tell someone what they can or can't do with their life? Especially knowing that forcing them to do something that would eventually wear them out and invite feelings of resentment and depression? I just can't figure out where that balance lays.

Any women who have been in this situation who can share their experience?

dawnie

What about finding a career that you can work with out of your home? This way, you can be at home, and still have income. Just a thought. Medical Transcription is one such career. You would need some education and training for this.

He sounds a bit scared with the idea of being a father. And yes, it is a big deal. He could be scared something will happen to you, that your married life (and sex life) will change (because it WILL change), unprepared to share you (with the kids). Just take one kid at a time. Instead of settling on a number now, why not settle on the idea of one child for now. After he has a chance to get accustomed to being a father, he will be better prepared to handle a second child down the road. As will you. Having one child completely turns your world upside down. They're enormous work, but also enormously rewarding. You as well might have unrealistic expectations of how well you could cope with 3 or 4 kids. I think it is best to start coping with the first child for a while and then after that discuss the possibility of a second one. His opinion counts, since he's part of the equation.

MEM11363

Good news - bad news.

The good news is that this approach absolutely CAN have a happy ending. My wife felt strongly about this just as you do and we made it work. BUT - she made some real accommodations to make it succeed. Like your husband I was totally opposed to this approach.

First and foremost she demonstrated how good she was with money before we had kids and she left her job. She had a very simple view of money - always spend less then you are bringing in. No matter what save some money. And in normal times at very least max out 401K - which means saving up to 15% of your income. And never run a credit card balance. So I believed her when she promised to make this work financially on the expense side. To be as careful as need be and to not complain about money. The other thing I told her was I had zero interest in the "new school." In the new school the husband gets up middle of the night with the baby even though wife is a SAHM. In the new school somehow even one child is an enormous burden and despite their frequent naps, and all the modern conveniences, husband is expected to work a long work week and then come home and do housework.

I told her that I wasn't going to attend the new school. If she wanted me to wear 100 percent of the financial stress she needed to make home life easy - relatively speaking - for me.

I also told her that in the new school sex was optional - in the old school it wasn't. It was a short conversation - she questioned whether the new school inmates were running the asylum on that topic - and lets just say that we are still as connected in year 20 - emotionally, physically, mentally and yes sexually as we were pre-child number 1.

And for what it is worth her sex drive did drop after having kids. But in the old school the wife takes her sexual responsibilities just as seriously as her husband takes his financial responsibilities.

So in exchange for a very sharp delineation of roles - I put 100 percent of my effort into work. When I got home at 11 PM - or had to wake up at 4 AM for an early flight - she simply said "thank you for working so hard for us." Of course I did help at home. With the kids, with the cooking etc. But it was ALL volunteer - she never tried to force the idea that somehow her job was just too much to bear and I needed to step up or else.

And she made it work well with child 1, so we had child 2. And then after a brief but intense scuffle she prevailed and we had child 3 after which per our agreement I was vasectomized....

So we did the 1950's style thing and it worked really well for us. She chose to go back to work last year - after 18 years at home. She runs a small business we own and she really likes doing that. Our youngest is 13. And when she returned to work I switched to a part time job working from home. Since it is part time I am also now Mr. Mom. I try to be a good wife, honestly though other then in the kitchen she was better in every way....

Atholk

Great viewpoint. I am going to absorb this into my matrix...

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Deejo

Yes - and if you are already married, that is what makes it a slippery slope. It's the wrong perspective and an indicator that you are already on dangerous ground. You feel like he's telling you how to live your life. Would you acknowledge that meeting your requirement of not working while you raise children, by default is telling him how he will live his?

When the choices you want to make for your life, have a direct impact on the quality and outcome of my life, the discussion needs a different frame of reference. More like what Mem outlined. Most people don't have the courage to be that honest with themselves.

There are then 3 possible outcomes:
1. It works, as it did in Mem's case.
2. It isn't going to work. Either partner cannot accept the terms or requirements set forth by the other. The relationship ends.
3. It isn't going to work - but you try to go along anyway. As you described, this ends up as bitterness and resentment over the long term on one or both sides. The relationship ends. My case.