How important is physical attraction in a marriage... in relationship at all.
The chemistry between being attracted to someone is something that can certainly fade with time.
But what if there was never any chemistry at all?
Can that desire for a different person, or different type of person ever be quelled or will you always feel like something is missing?
I am unclear as to why I did marry my husband. There is a love there, but less of a romantic love and more of a brother, or friend...
I was not in the best emotional state when I was married, and was rushed... So now that I am healed emotionally and taking a step back I am confounded by how I got here.
No affairs. Not that I haven't thought about it, and not that the opportunity hasn't presented itself. I can't do that though... can't do that to him or myself....
I wonder how important that is for other relationships who are not founded on fear or losing the other person.
There is a saying....that sex is a small part of a good marriage, but everything in a marriage when it is bad.
I don't know your age or how long you have been married but sex does wax and wane. That's normal. But if sex is important to one of you, and you are in a sexless marriage, I think that is going to build resentment and could ruin your marriage.
A long time ago I was in a LTR (10 yrs+) and my guy started feeling "brotherly" to me as well. So I bought books, got a new look and spiced things up It was great, and I felt new attraction, he loved it, and all was good?
It was in a "way". While sex improved, I began to see our real issue, that had been creeping along with us. His lack of effort, while he enjoyed the new me, it was also ALL ME. And I came to find our goals had changed somewhere, I wanted to travel, we finally had reached our career goals, I wanted to climb mountains! He thought that sounded awful, lol. Today he lives a comfortable 9-5 life with his GF, and I went on to do the things I always wanted, a non-traditional life, more adventurous. I think our lives today show how divergent we had become. It just wasn't meant to be, and I am glad we didn't waste too much time figuring that out. What we did have was great while it lasted.
Ok, so my point, if you have a good foundation I believe you can revive your sex life. If you have other issues lurking like I did, dig them up and take a hard look, and fight to reclaim a happy marriage....had I not fought in mine, I would forever regret, I don't today because I really tried back then. That's important.
Yeah... I found out a while ago that my wife told her friends that although I am not attractive, that I treat her well.
Our marriage has kind of crumbled since then.
The sad part is I haven't changed much at all since we married, and I have had other women tell me I'm attractive (without being prompted to do so) since we married.
She married me despite limited attraction to me and now we have a mess.
I don't mean to hijack your thread though. I know there is no advice to save me from this situation -believe me, I've looked for it. I just wanted you to know I have some experience in this field.
You sound a lot like my wife posting. LOL. though she wasn't rushed into marriage. I'm sure she wants to stay married, but only because she feels safe and secure with me, not because we were meant for each other in a cosmic sense.
A dominant man, that is a man in control of himself and his world, is irrestible to a woman. A woman will resent a weak man.
A mans strength and weakness is sometimes apparent by physical features, as a man in control of himself is at the least to take care of what he has naturally to the best effect. But it is clear that many men who woman find sexual attracted is many times not a clear cut handsome man or even young or tall.
For the man, mostly attitude and success, again even if not a physical athlete is still not prone to what is sometimes called "letting himself go".
And to a man, the visual is very important at first as a cue that a woman is thinking of herself as worthwhile, and takes care of what she has naturally. But again is ultimately attitude, as to the greatest sexual attraction of a man to a woman is her striving to be dominated, that is, her being how he would view her as "feminine". Even this is clear whether a woman liking to be athletic and outdoorsy, or a woman that is more girlish, that regardless, does the man have the impression that woman is looking to be noticed, or is she looking to be left alone. The former is very attractive, the latter is not.
So again attitude from the woman, as to be described as feminine, is much deeper and stronger sexually attracted than looking a certain way.
I cannot say this enough: attraction is ESSENTIAL, though it is not SUFFICIENT. Don't even try to make it work without an essential element. Trust is essential, as is mutual respect. If any one of these is missing, the marriage will not be a happy one. If you have all three, almost everything else--like compatibility--is irrelevant (assuming both individuals have healthy self-esteem and don't need a 24 hour companion). But take any one of those three essential ingredients out, and big trouble lies ahead.
Likewise, just one of those ingredients is not enough--a marriage based soley on attraction is unlikely to work if trust or respect is missing, for example (and it will be a very short relationship, if both trust and respect are missing, no matter how compatible and physically attracted to one another you are).
By the way, physical attraction (aka chemistry) has little to do with looks. Many physically "attractive" (ie, good looking) guys do not inspire lust in a lot of women. We like the eye candy, sure, but we wouldn't necessarily want to rip his clothes off--and THAT is the sign of real sexual chemistry. A good looking guy who is a jerk will turn us off, for example.
I'm not sure why you are asking, but please take my word for it: trying to make it work without the chemistry is unfair to BOTH parties. You may love the other person with your whole heart, but if the chemistry isn't there, it is not the kind of love that sustains a marriage. BTDT and I have the guilt to prove it.
Before my husband and I started dating I thought he was cute, but I didnt look at him and think "Wow he is beautiful!" There came a time though that his touch was like electric and now I look at him (especially when he is being kind) and I do think that he is beautiful.
Would any of you feel the same attraction to him. Probably not. But I look at him and am more attracted to him now than when we first started dating and there are times that his touch is still like electric. I cant imagine that anyone else could ever touch me like that. I dont think that attraction has to fade I think as we might br becoming less physically attractive that being mentally attractive should be making up for it.
Angry that is true but coming from a man I can tell you most don't look at it that way. Not because they dont want to but more to do with our emotional maturity and the fact we are physical. . I look at my wife now with more then I did 10 years or even 15 years ago cause we are on a better path emotionally.
Unless your marriage allows you to consolidate your grip on the kingdom with a union with the neighboring kingdom, then there had better be physical attraction or the marriage is doomed.
Life's short, don't enter into a marriage without love and physical attraction.
Thank you for the much needed laugh. I just got done going over Machiavelli's "The Prince" with my high schooler this weekend, and your comments were not only true, but timely. I could not agree with you more michzz. If only she had a kingdom... LIL