hi folks...im back!
it's been a hard road since TGiving time, leading up to the talk i had with my amazing and beautiful girlfriend on friday nite. in the end, i had to go against EVERY fiber of my being and let the love of my life do what she needs to do right now...be alone. it was TECHNICALLY her who decided what she needed, and that is time to grieve all of her aforementioned losses i outlined in the beg. of this thread. as much as i WANTED to take that journey with her and help her...i realized i cannot...she needs time with no ties or emotional effort to devote to ME..time to herself that she didnt take after the divorce...dads death, bffs death...etc. time to remember, to laugh, to throw things, to cry...to heal.
she LOUDLY stated in the convo that she is NOT doing this to date, and reiterated that she loves and is IN love with me, but right NOW...its not enough to keep us together when she is incapable of giving me or my son 100%. as much as it tears my heart in two, i respect her for being truthful, and it just makes me love her MORE. she also stated without any prodding from ME, that when she feels better and like she has grieved and more ready to be all in to a relationship, it is ME she will be calling...due to the love she has for me, our 15 mo. history and amazing memories, and a connection with a man like she's never known. i heard the love in her voice, the pain as she cried, so i have 100% certainty of the truth of this.
so...that's it. i didn't try to convince her to stay with me....i just listened and told her i understood, and though it was killing me, that i supported her and in the end, want her to be happy and healthy. i DID tell her that i although know NOW is not the time, that i strongly feel God has put us on this path to be together, and that we arent done yet. maybe im crazy, i dont know. i informed her i have NO intention of dating....i have work to do on myself with my abandonment issues, and have NO business doing anything else but that...self-focus. my therapist was VERY pleased that i was able to share with her something very important that WILL be in her mind during this time....that ive realized that i rush into marriage desires way too soon, and it is a result of my own fear of loss and abandonment. if i just lock em up, they'll never leave me. HA, well that aint true!! she said that id told her something to that effect before, and i said perhaps, but now i KNOW im doing it, and i dont need a ring on her finger or to live with her to know were together and that she loves me. she was very happy id come to realize this fact! my doc said that will DEFINITELY take a load off of her mind and allow her to come back to me more easily, hopefully soon, with one less worry about us, and fear she has to push down. he thinks it will give a peacefulness about me and us. the less fear she has, the easier love will flow forth.
i will wish her Merry Christmas, and send her a text on New Years, but ive decided to cut it off after that until after the 1 yr anniversary of her dads death on Feb 1st. im not sure if i should send her my condolences that day or not...ill take advice on that one. i feel it will mean alot to her to know i remembered...but hell, how CANT i....she was asleep next to me in my bed @ 2:30 am when we got the call! ugh....my poor baby...she's been thru more than 1 person should have to in two yrs...its no wonder she is overwhelmed.
i dont have a "game plan"...but i think after that milestone of her dad passes, i will ask if i can make her dinner for Valentines Day in my new kitchen-(she helped me pick out my laminate floors and paint, so id like her to see her decorating style in person!). that's two months from now with only a text or two on special occasions from me...so she wont have felt pressured. if she says yes, then what happens happens after that, and i know i cannot pressure her in any way. still, i HAVE to feel like we still are meant to be together, i wont allow myself to think differently...not in a stalker-creepy kinda way tho...lol! she said it herself, we have an undeniable connection and deep love for each other, and i feel we can get thru this if i am patient and understanding of her needs.
all in all...i tried my HARDEST to support her with love and understanding as i let her go to do her work, as i will do mine. i hope she keeps in mind that i DIDNT make her feel guilty or try to talk her out of it....that i let her go with all the love in my heart, tho it was not what i wanted. my doc says this will endear her to me, and love me MORE if anything, which is a nice thought too. i just want her to heal, to release this pain that is hurting her so badly...and i have to let go for that to happen. sometimes, we just need to have faith in the love foundation that was built..and pray it will come back soon.
Re: plz help a man who loves his girlfriend....
