General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
hi all...im new here, but i am in desperate need of help on a sad TGiving morning. i will try to keep this short, but bear w me.
ive been w/my gf for 14 mo's now. in the beginning, she was emotionally available, affectionate, loving and sweet. well, due to MY past issues-(two divorces from emo. disconnected women and a penchant for being attracted to "fixer-upper women), i had my own baggage, and over the first 9 mo's it affected us. my insecurity and unresolved issues w my dad growing up, never really dealing w my moms sudden death 5 yrs ago, and all my exes and my internalized anger with them..and it took its toll. in July she wanted a "break", during which time i pulled my head from my a$$ and really did work on myself. seeing i was living my changes, we got back 2gether in Aug. im quite proud of myself for not being a "typical guy" and getting help.
once we got back together, she told me she said she needed more "me time", and i have respected her out of love, and she fully admits i have done what she asked. well, since that time i still have noticed a slow emotional pull away. i know its partly due to my idiotic behavior in the past, but there is baggage on HER side as well. her are her MAIN issues:
1) a childhood where her dad was a drunk and a cheater and left them when she was barely a teen...forcing her to "play mom" to her two younger sibs as HER mom worked two jobs. she has ALWAYS been fiercely independant she says, and often has dealt w her probs by "just wanting to be alone", and often barricaded herself in her room.
2) her divorce was finalized in July. now her situation w her ex. was diff. than most. as SHE describes it, "we didnt get divorced bec. we DIDNT love each other, we got div. bec. our life goals were MILES apart." they are still quite close and talk, and he comes over once in awhile to visit their 3 dogs. she swears that she has no "in love" feelings and i believe her-(altho i DIDNT early on, which was one of the things that ended up causing our "break". i addressed those things in therapy and conquered them i feel tho). she still lives in their old house, and i can tell that she is still struggling sometimes with the dream that didnt materalize. lets face it, we dont get married w the intent of divorcing, its SUPPOSED to be forever. they just decided it was better to div. BEFORE they hated each other, which is pretty damn mature! it would be easier for her im sure if she hated her exes like i did....closure comes MUCH quicker.
3) her feelings of "never being good enough" for pretty much ANY of her exes, especially her ex husband. im the FIRST man who has made her feel good enough, and im proud of that!
4) in her late 20s she "lost herself" in a guy for 7 yrs-(she's 39 now). one nite she came home and found all of her stuff packed up and he said "youre moving out". mind you, she'd moved 100 miles away from our hometown to be with this clown, and this event was @ 1 am and she had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. she'd TOTALLY let him control the rel. to the point where she didnt even know how to balance a checkbook!! she swore after she moved back home that she'd never allow herself to give her all to a man like that EVER again!
5) she lost her 20 yr+ BFF to cancer in aug. 08 and she still struggles daily, especially around the holidays.
these are the events i feel have shaped her life, and how COULDN'T they??? so, fast fwd to this last monday. ive felt her pulling away recently again...and things had, i THOUGHT been great since we got back tog. in August, although i HAVE discussed w her in that time that her affection towards me has been sorely lacking-(hugs, kisses for no reason, sweet comments, the things that show you love someone). i went away for 4 days and before i left i joked that she would miss me. her response was "its ONLY four days." now maybe it's just me, but i feel in "normal relationships", you miss your man if he goes away like that. BUT, he ex traveled constantly, so shes USED to that empty house and not being w her mate all the time...so that could be why. she doesnt feel, or seem to be affected by, not seeing me for several days.
so, let me tell you about whats up NOW in her life. her mother is becoming an alcoholic, her Nanny-(grandma) is infirmed in the hospital and likely will pass soon and has Alzheimers. her and her dad HAD been reconciling, and they actually spent the 08 holidays together, and things were going well....but then he dropped dead in Feb 09, which devastated her. she hates her job and two bigwigs are coming in soon to pretty much audit everything and check everything at the property she manages, which is VERY stressful in an already stressful job. she just went through a 3 month kitchen remodel and a horrifyingly botched refinance that took 3 months!!!-(never use Bank of America!!!) as i stated before, her divorce just was final in July. and to top it off, here we are at Thanksgiving and she will have two less family members who she loves dearly around-( her dad and Nanny). plus, SHE i hosting this yr, and im sure that is stressing her w the prep, as she is a perfectionist! her brother is in from Chicago and is staying with her as well, so having to clean that whole huge house and make dinner...well... think her plate has been full.
so, monday we talk on the phone after not seeing her for 4 days. obviously i could feel the pull away. it finally comes out...she tells me she loves me and to please believe that, and i ask "but are you IN love with me". she said "honey, of COURSE i am. but what i dont understand is why, after 14 months, im not giving you ALL of me emotionally and time-wise. i dont know WHAT'S holding me back, and i need some time to sort out my feelings and figure out WHY." she then went on to tell me HOW amazing i am, that she knows and i prove everyday how i am emo. there for her and support her, that i have done everything she's asked me to do and due to that can see HOW MUCH i love her. even tho she didnt bring it up, our sexual relationship is fiery and fueled with passion that NEITHER of us have ever experienced, so i factor that in as well. she commented that my changes since July are obvious, and that this has NOTHING to do with me or anything ive done. i asked her if she wanted to end the rel. and she immediately said, in an animated voice, "NO honey, i am NOT ready to do that yet...i just need time to think about things". also, her sister had suggested last weekend that maybe she was just not ready for a relationship, and that has been stuck in her head. so....i told her i would back off and give her time....which is KILLING me today...i want to be with my gf and her family on fricking TGiving!!! the last thing i said to her on the phone was to seriously consider in this time apart if she can REALLY picture her life without me, and i told her i want her to REALLY think hard as she looks at the TGiving table and consider how it feels that im NOT there with her. i think that's pretty powerful brain food, and i pray to God it affects her. i dont mean to sound selfish...TRUST me, i have so much empathy for her losses of family today...but i HAD to put that in her mind.
ladies.....please help me....i just am at a loss. im not like other guys...i give affection and i love you's freely, send flowers, give cards and always make sure she feels important. i balance it by NOT being a big wussy tho...i am a strong man with a gentle heart, thats all. ive been told im a "dying breed", which makes her question wanting to be with me even MORE frustrating! arent i the guy that 90% of woiman DREAM of???
please, someone give me some hope...i SO need some. i have many opinions on WHY she is how she is and why this is happening, but as you can see, i have left them out of the above bec. i dont want to bias anyones opinion. thank you and Happy TGiving!!
I certainly would take my advice with a grain of salt because I have my fair share of relationship problems, too. But, I think I am in a very similar situation as you are with your girlfriend. Like your girlfriend, I have been going through a lot of family drama and a divorce. I aslo have a boyfriend who I have treated very similar to the way she has treated you.
I will tell you why. He smothers me. He pushes himself on me when I have really needed space. He also sends me love notes and calls and texts all the time. I miss you ...is probably texted 40 times on a given day. However, unlike you (I think) I have had serious financial issues with my boyfriend.
But, when I have pushed mine away...I have also had a passive agressive response from him. I think the fact that you asked her to consider how she felt when you were not at the dinner table -- made me realize you are VERY Much like my exboyfriend. I can tell you she is going through a LOT. She just got divorced. That is very painful. VERY painful. It sounds (like me) she jumped into a relationship before she finished grieving her marriage. She may even resent you for being involved at the tail end of her marriage. That is how I feel in my situation. I had told my boyfriend that I needed him to realize I needed time to get over my marriage and he was so scared that I was going to go back to him -- that he just kept preventing it.
It sounds to me like you may have acted in a similar way. I would suggest you back off. But, be careful not to contact her because she may feel lonely (like I have) and come back to you even if she isn't truly ready.
We all have our baggage. I don't think anyone had a perfect childhood. At least I've never met anyone who has.
It looks to me like she has a long established pattern of closing herself off when she has problems or stress. I completely understand that as I did the same thing. It can be very easy to put up those walls, and very hard to break them down.
My husband had huge walls up when we first met. After about a year and a half into the relationship, I seriously considered ending it. He'd let me in some, but not all the way. I told him that if he was never going to really let me in, then I just couldn't do it. He asked me to just hang in there with him. I did. The walls are gone and we've been married 5 years, together for 7.
I think that if you love her and want to be with her, that you just have to hang in there. Lots of talking and communicating.....lots! Do whatever you need to do so that you know that you have put 100% into the relationship, so no matter what happens, you will have no regrets. That being said....it leaves you pretty vulnerable.
If she is anything like my husband, then she doesn't want anyone to think they can hurt her. She puts on a strong front for those around her. She hides her vulnerability, pain, emotions....but they are there!
If you are the guy you say you are, then she was missing you on Thanksgiving.
You know, needhelp09 makes sense too. No one wants needy or pushy people. There is a difference in being there and giving support and strength and being pushy. Make sure you aren't smothering her.
i am DEF. not pushy or needy. i totally backed off of her back in July when were on a break so i could take care of MY issues. i may leave a love note here and there, but i def. hold back on the i miss and love you's, so thats not the issue. she act. said this monday when this all came out that she appr. last week when i backed off so she could focus on work, and that it showed MUCH i love her. so, i have no prob. giving her space and time, and she SEES it. correct me if i wrong but from a womans standpoint, thats HUGE!!!
"It looks to me like she has a long established pattern of closing herself off when she has problems or stress".. 160% true, and she admits that. but you know what...at some point thats just an excuse and you need to get past it. ever since she was a little girl, when she had probs she would go to her room to be alone. im sorry, but thats not healthy at 39 yo. whether its ME or someone else, not many people would deal with that. i have been so patient w her bec. i have a deep love for her and WANT us to work.
not hearing from her all day yest. was very sad for me...but im TRYING to empathize w the losses she's dealing with and put my feelings on the back burner. however...was it REALLY that hard to send me a 5 minute text? maybe im just thinking like a man here...i dunno. what i mean is...if the issue of the loss of her and and nanny were that painful, com,bined with a house full of people, could it just be that it was simply more than she could do emotionally? i dunno....i mean its Thankgiving and you dont even say hi to your boyfriend who u KNOW feels in limbo and hurting?
"It sounds (like me) she jumped into a relationship before she finished grieving her marriage" ok...then if this is the case...i fear she will follow her sisters advice, and just leave me. i dont quit what i start, and i have faith we can work past this issue....and i think this is juts one section of her issues, together as a team. she's admitted how amazing i am, good to her...all the thing i mentioned in my first post, and i am mindboggled she would give that all up and take a chance on losing the best man she's ever had...and that just plain hurts..
Could it be that she didn't get a hold of you yesterday, that she was trying to keep it together for the sake of her guests, and she thought that if she contacted you she'd break down?
You are completely right that this not a healthy way for her to be acting. Only she can change it though. Old habits can be hard to break.
right...and the fact that its just easier to quit then fix hr problem. then she can go find some emo. unavailable a hole who wont be so demanding of her time, only want to see her 2 a week for sex, then goes away. well...thats not me. her iisue as put to me morning was she feel like she isnt giving her self to me fully, or giving us more time together, and doesnt know why. i feel like what i outlined in post 1 are the reasons. am i wrong maybe? i mean, she says she loves and is IN love with me...doesnt that mean anything???
"Could it be that she didn't get a hold of you yesterday, that she was trying to keep it together for the sake of her guests, and she thought that if she contacted you she'd break down?"
quite possibly...but i still feel like a quick text wouldve been nice. but maybe she just wasnt emo. able...i dunno. it just sucked...
I can tell you from my personal experience as a guy currently going thru a divorce, and 2+ years from initial separation, I've dated, had a few casual relationships where I just havent' wanted to talk to the woman, I'd be numb, trying to sort thru my feelings, in some ways still pining for my old life even when rationally I knew my old life wasn't great. It wasn't the woman I was dating, it was that I had nothing to give to her.
If she's not ready, still mourning, still overwhelmed at times, there isn't much you can do other than be patient and not expect much from her because she just can't give it right now.
The question you need to ask yourself is: Are you willing to wait around, and if so, how long?
thats an excellent question....one ive been asking since monday when this all dropped down. imho, there isnt much that CANT be worked out if u have strong love, a deep connection, and the willingness NOT to quit. i told her i wasnt going to give up on us...we had too much to lose. the frustrating thing is the thot she is willing to just walk away from 14 mos, most of which has been amazing, simply bec. you dont want to work on things that are causing you to "hold back" feelings or time together. i just dont get that in any way shape or form..and im scared...
Scarlet, you said "It looks to me like she has a long established pattern of closing herself off when she has problems or stress. I completely understand that as I did the same thing. It can be very easy to put up those walls, and very hard to break them down." so....how did you do it, and how can i help her? its not healthy to be walled up your whole life...and i think once she starts to break them down, she will explode with love for me. i just dont know how i can help...there MUST be a way...
also you said "If you are the guy you say you are, she missed you on Thanksgiving". what leads you to believe this?
In answer to your last question....I was putting myself in her shoes and that is how I would feel if I were her. I'm not her, so I guess I shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion.
How did I get him to let down the walls? A heck of a lot of talking. We'd spend hours and hours just talking and playing cards, etc.... I had decided that I wanted to put 100% into our relationship. I didn't want to look back and think "If only I'd said this, or done that." That is a really hard thing to do. Once your heart has been broken, you want to guard it so it doesn't happen again.
It took time and paticence on my part. He had to see that I wasn't going anywhere. That there were no conditions on my love.
plz help a man who loves his girlfriend....
