General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Im very sorry for what your going through right now. I found out in oct. I thought I could make it through the holidays. I didnt I just kept getting angry because he was talking to her in my house. If the kids dont know yet they will shortly they are just going to feel somethings not right. I wish you all the best but if staying together is going to emotionally drag you down you cant do that to yourself. Posted via Mobile Device
There is nothing wrong staying in the marriage for the kids. The caveat is as long as there isn't extreme fighting, abuse, and addictions. Other than that, if you can stand it then stay.
It will be difficult. My H wasn't having an affair but after 9 months of living together when he was unhappy and no longer in love with me...took a toll.
Don't make any rash decisions. If you don't make it the full amount of time that's ok too.
I don't get this. I mean, yes, it sounds like an emotional affair. But I don't see why it has to be the end of your marriage. He feels close emotionally to someone who is interesting and outside of his life, with whom he has more in common than 'what we eating tonight' or 'let's take the kids to school'.
Remember back in the day when you met what your relationship was like? You probably spent hours talking. My point is....you can offer him that too. And you probably need that kind of connection with him, yourself.
A marriage is a complicated little creature that you have to nurture and take care of...not just leave at fate's hand. And problems do happen, people ocassionally detach a bit to the point where they are one foot out the door. I think you're doing what most of us do in times of trouble. You ask and demand instead of changing yourself to get to where you want.
If you take it personal ...as in 'how could he, after so many years, do this to me'....remember that he's not doing this to you. He's doing this because he's really really missing something in that marriage. Why is it that when all of you say you care about your family, it doesn't include your spouse, but only your children? His response of the marriage being 'fine'...can easily translate into 'if i told you you wouldn't care' or 'this is just the way things are and i have to deal with it'.
'When I ask you if things are ok - you tell me they are fine. I don't want a marriage that is fine. I want a marriage that is great, and passionate and loving.'
MEM is right mostly.
I also believe that your husband would risk so many years of marriage because he might think he exhausted all the enthusiasm, affection and fun and exciting things to do in that marriage. Then that woman came along and reminded him of when he was young...when he had fun! Get it? It made him feel alive. That's where you come in and show him how wrong he is. Grass may be greened on the other side? Focus on taking more care of your grass. They old buddies? Remember how it was when you were young and dating. Gather up those memories and when the time is right, go ahead and start a conversation. 'Hey, remember when we used to ...and i used to do that...' eventually go ahead and tickle him, chase him around the house. Don't think that's appropriate for your age? Why not? Everyone likes fun alive people. It will also make him wonder what happened to you = interest = mystery = suddenly the focus is on you and the other woman becomes less and less interesting. Suddenly he realizez it's not worth the chase anymore because he has to chase something better in his own house.
Just my opinion and advice. I'm often very idealistic I guess, but these things work if you do them right. They would also make you happy, and as i said at the beginning, 23 years of marriage is a lot of time to throw out the window.
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- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -
Well, our marriage has ended. I found text messages on his phone stating his love for another woman, having her find them a home to live in, and how he wants to make love to her. I contacted her husband, and it is in the open for all of us. We are getting through the week to get through Christmas for the kids. I have already seen a lawyer and go for a second visit with a lawyer at the end of January. My husband texts me and asks what his chances are. It is all too late. He should have been concerned when we first went to the marriage counselor. He has lied, he has been a cheat, and I cannot put up with this. 23 years of marriage, and it is over. How sad!
This is your opportunity to at least try....with no regrets.
First he would neet to apologize.
Second he needs to cut off all contact with OW.
Third he needs to be tranparent in his life (texts/call/outings) and be accountable for where and what he is doing for a long while.
Fourth he will need to be 100% committed to getting help in the marriage. No "I am NOT sure" or "I'll try."
These are in no order but certainly they are important enough to know if he's just scared of ending the marriage or wants to reconcile for the right reasons.
Went to the marriage counselor. The counselor told my husband that this is an emotional affair, and it only will lead to a physical affair. It needs to end. My husband isn't sure if he wants to end this. He said it has taken him 28 years to find her, and he isn't going to lose her. I would say our marriage is over. I will be an actress through the holidays for the kids. After that, I may just wait until the kids are out of high school to permanently end this relationship. This makes me very sad. Do you think it is wrong to stay in a marriage for the sake of kids? Sad and confused. So upset that I will not even talk to husband. Oh...Counselor said it would be fine to call the husband and tell him. He saw nothing wrong with this.
Okay, you are threatened by it, and the counselor advises he end it. What more does he need to know to realize that he is making this "friendship" too high a priority? I have gone through this same type of thing recently, (see Need a man's viewpoint in Gentlemens clubhouse) and I recieved some excellent advise on trying to keep my marriage together. Sounds as if you are not interested in that, and I can't say as I blame you, but if you are, I would suggest that you check it out. Good luck hon, hope you find your answers.
I have been reconnecting with some of my past. I really believe its because I feel such a void with my present. I don't have anymore "interest" in these connections but my husband just stated he was uncomfortable with me staying connected (instead of touching base, catching up, then moving on) and I have to respect his feelings, whether I feel they are warranted or not, it is uncomfortable for him and he is more important to me than they. Otherwise I am creating problems with my current life for something I obviously left in my past for a reason. Tell your husband it causes you much unhappiness and ask him to please respect your feelings by limiting their contact to an occaisional catch up a couple of times a year. He should have included you in this relationship instead of excluding you,
Husband is crying and saying how sorry he is. Wants another chance????
When you confronted him and got everything out in the open, he was forced to deal with the reality that he very well may lose you over this woman...change of heart? she decided to work on her marriage? who knows....
The thing is, can you move past this and work through what made him seek out a woman outside of your marriage? Do you even want to? You can give him another chance and really have a strong marriage, but you will both need to be committed.
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~Swedish
No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein
i think he just likes to have another girl that he can talk to. is this a bad thing? no it not a bad thing because sometimes these thiings will build your relationship up even stronger. it is a bad thing though since he is talking about how he loves her and wants to sleep with her because that is cheating. you need to figure out what he is not getting in yalls marrige for him to go and do this to you. if it is just the fact that he doesnt love you anymore than leave him but if it was just a little phase then go to counseling and work through this...
Thanks for all the comments. I am trying to work through this. I just am not so sure that I can forgive. At 11:59 p.m., she texts him to wish a Happy New Year. He doesn't say anything about it. I check the cell usage report the next day and find the text. Uggh! Of course, I write to both her and her husband and say that there is no contact. Honestly, she was very nasty. Like, I'm the one that did anything wrong. This is the second time that she has had an affair--her husband is a saint. I am 45, and I'm not sure if I want to be married and put up with this. What kind of message does this send to my kids? This is all very frustrating.
You should not have to put up with this if he is continuing to contact this woman. If he really is remorseful, crying and wanting a second chance he needs to end all contact with her. If she attempts to contact him, he needs to tell you so that you don't worry it's a 2-way thing...he needs to step up in this situation and reassure you that he made a mistake and is willing to live open-book and not contact her. Is he there? Would you consider marriage counselling?
As far as a message for your kids, I would think that working on a marriage, not giving up in bad times is a good message for kids...however, being a doormat is not...in other words, if he continues to stay in contact with her without any attempt to work on your marriage, I would not be able to sit by and let that happen.
The other side of this is that if you have become distant over time or if you can see that your marriage could use some 'revamping' ... not placing blame on either of you but just that you've lost the focus on one another over the years...marriage counseling, keeping an open mind and working together may work in your favor and you will both have a better marriage than before all of this started.
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~Swedish
No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein
Thanks so much for your reply. This a.m., my 14-year old daughter told me that she has been reading text messages between my husband and this girl for months. She didn't have the heart to tell me. This was all before school. She cried. She stumbled by the messages my mistake, but she couldn't stop reading. Now, my focus is definitely my children. She was just heartbroken. She was afraid to tell me all that I already knew. Tonight, I am sitting down with her to explain a few things. First, I want her to know that I am always here and not to be afraid to tell me anything. I also don't want my kids protecting me. Obviously, I am the strong parent as I didn't need to seek another person outside the marriage. Regardless of what happens with my husband, I need to get back into counseling for mine and my children's sake. Once again, thanks for all the different points of view. This really has helped me by venting and seeing things outside the box. Hope all have a great evening!
Sadandhurt, make sure your daughter gets counseling, too, and do everything you can to support her relationship with her father. That does not mean ignoring or defending what he did--it means recognizing he is her father and will be in her life for some time unless she chooses of her own free will and without your intervention to cut him out once she is older. She is too young to make that decision now. She has seen that he is far from perfect; what happens next (how you and he handle things) can do a lot to help her heal from her exposure to his deceit. It will be very hard for you to walk the line between supporting her in her anger and hurt without further castigating him, but in the long run, that will be best for her. If she sees you responding to him in a calm, adult manner (rather than raging about what an a*shole he is), she'll learn a lot about bearing disappointment and betrayal AND she'll know it's not a betrayal of YOU to continue caring about him, if she does. You sound like a very wise woman, so I"m sure you'll do a good job helping her through this!
Re: 23 Years of Marriage that May be Ending
