General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This Sunday, I will be married for 23 years. I am the mother of two teenagers, and I am very busy with work, kids, etc. I found out recently that since May my husband has been talking 20 hours per month with an old college friend. They talk whenever they can get a chance. They haven't seen each other in 28 years, and the phone bills show the constant chatter. This wasn't completely hidden from me, but I wasn't quite introduced either. I will be seeing a marriage counselor on Tuesday. My husband acts like this isn't a big deal--they are just reconnecting. This girl is also married with three children. I think 20 hours a month is to the extreme, and it truly has created stress in our marriage; enough to make me want to end our 23 years together.
I do believe he is emotionally connected. I have talked and talked to him about it. He would like us to meet and says they are just good friends. I even called her and sent her a few notes saying that I don't feel this is appropriate. Neither one is willing to stop. He has gone to a marriage counselor twice with me. Our second session was an individual session. While I was in talking with the counselor, he was text messaging her. I see it on the phone bill.
You will either need to accept this and watch the relationship go further (more than likely) or put your foot down.
Putting your foot down is a matter of it's me or her. If he chooses her, then you know where his heart and head lies. If he refuses to make a choice, make it for him.
Otherwise you will prolong the nightmare by waiting for him to move on (with or without you).
Is it wrong to try to hang in there until the kids are out of high school? This would mean 3 1/2 years of this stuff. I know that sounds crazy, but I hate to rock the kids' world.
No not crazy but the others advise is good IMO put your foot down say hey are you married to her or me and if so start acting like it maybe.. Sometimes as it was for me and i no every situation is different then the others but there are certain things that can relat for me it took my wife to kick me out and even now say she is done with me no chance no hope to finally wake up and see what was truely important to me in life and that was her and our kids without any doubt, now it may be to late cause she didnt put her foot down and let it build into more pain and resentment and anger but i am still in it for the long road cause i no how important they are and what keeping my family means to me but if she would have put her foot down earlier i would have responded way earlier and that would have made a huge difference then , where is right now its very difficult and hard to cope with and i might not even have a chance now but still hoping there is , cause for me now i no and understand and ready , but when she didnt do it before i was just oblivious and lost to what was needed what was important. I to have been posting on her and im confused on a lot of things maybe i post to much i have even shared personal letters im thinking of giving her , but sometimes you get responses sometimes you dont but i have found that most advise is good and some storys of working for what is important like the one by a guy named Vvoid or close to it is great inspiration and can give you strength to do what is needed , not saying you will relate to all of them but there is a lot on here to learn from and take time to think from.. But if i was you id put that foot down and it might be tough at first but may be the best thing you can do for your family as a hole..
Thanks for the advice. I am certainly thinking of my family. I cherish my family more than anything. It is very difficult to see a family disintegrate before your very eyes. My daughters are teenagers and need the traditional home.
Your initial post was about how busy you are with your life.
Does your husband feel that you make him a very high priority?
Does he feel loved by you? Does he feel like you make the effort to have a good sex life with him?
If not, then he likely feels that his EA soon to be PA is justified.
I am not saying it is, I am saying that your post implies you don't have much time for him. I bet that has been true for a long time.
When was the last time you asked him if he was happy with your marriage, your sex life, the way you treat him?
Because if you PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN without addressing your role in this you may find yourself in a race to the courthouse. You cannot ignore someone and then demand fidelity.
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Originally Posted by sadandhurt
Thanks for the advice. I am certainly thinking of my family. I cherish my family more than anything. It is very difficult to see a family disintegrate before your very eyes. My daughters are teenagers and need the traditional home.
Well, I do think it is a vicious cycle. We work different hours. But...honestly, I am a very vocal individual and ask and confront his feelings about our marriage. His response always is that our marriage is fine. I respond to tell him that I want it to be a closer relationship and have more time together. I also requested that the calls end.
The reason that I am busy is that when he is working, I am the taxi cab, the chaperone, the chef, etc., for our teenagers. When we are both available, I am the one that makes the effort to spend time together. It is when he is working or should be sleeping that he is chatting on the phone with his college friend.
Our sex life is good too! I guess this is why I am so baffled. He truly has everything he needs--why is he searching for more. Also, do you think that this girl's husband should be made aware of all the phone calls. Remember there are over 100 text messages per month and over 1,200 minutes of telephone conversation. Should the husband know?
Thanks for the clarification. You sound like a great wife. He is likely suffering from the grass is greener madness.
You are completely within your rights to share this info with her husband. The sheer amount of time screams EA headed toward PA.
I do think a blunt conversation with him is in order. Something of this flavor:
You are perilously close to crossing a line which their is no retreat from. I may tolerate certain things temporarily for the children, but if you do them, once they are gone I am gone. And I want to make sure we understand each other. This isn't a case of you making a mistake. This seems to be a case of you making a choice over an extended period of time. And that choice is essentially to end your marriage. Whether it dies a slow death or a fast death - it will die. Is that really what you want?
When I ask you if things are ok - you tell me they are fine. I don't want a marriage that is fine. I want a marriage that is great, and passionate and loving. If you think we need to change things for that to be how it is for you then talk to me and I will try to help make this marriage the one you want to be in. I cannot help you / us / our marriage if you are emotionally focused on someone else and if you choose not to talk to me about what you really want.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadandhurt
Well, I do think it is a vicious cycle. We work different hours. But...honestly, I am a very vocal individual and ask and confront his feelings about our marriage. His response always is that our marriage is fine. I respond to tell him that I want it to be a closer relationship and have more time together. I also requested that the calls end.
The reason that I am busy is that when he is working, I am the taxi cab, the chaperone, the chef, etc., for our teenagers. When we are both available, I am the one that makes the effort to spend time together. It is when he is working or should be sleeping that he is chatting on the phone with his college friend.
Our sex life is good too! I guess this is why I am so baffled. He truly has everything he needs--why is he searching for more. Also, do you think that this girl's husband should be made aware of all the phone calls. Remember there are over 100 text messages per month and over 1,200 minutes of telephone conversation. Should the husband know?
This is an all too familiar story and many marriages go through this kind of thing. My wife would "friend" old boyfriends, lovers and so on, on facebook. I told her that she needed to make a decision. In my mind if your spouse is talking to old flames then your spouse isn't happy with his life. Find out why and if there is anything that can be done about it, if not then live for yourself and put yourself up front for a change... You'll find out it's really nice.
Yes, I feel that when you are married, you don't befriend old flames, you don't create new flames, and you solely work on your marriage. After 23 years, I don't understand why someone would risk all those years of togetherness and the kids' happiness. I wonder--does this person feed his ego? Are these complaints about me? What exactly is the magnetic issue that makes both of you call when you are so many miles away? I have asked these questions to him and her and get no answers. I really am confused. Can't figure out what I could have done to make him want to call this person and to put me last on the list. This has been great that I can write in like this as I don't want to tell others. I live in a small town, and I don't want the kids to catch wind of this. Wearing my game face--each and every day.
Went to the marriage counselor. The counselor told my husband that this is an emotional affair, and it only will lead to a physical affair. It needs to end. My husband isn't sure if he wants to end this. He said it has taken him 28 years to find her, and he isn't going to lose her. I would say our marriage is over. I will be an actress through the holidays for the kids. After that, I may just wait until the kids are out of high school to permanently end this relationship. This makes me very sad. Do you think it is wrong to stay in a marriage for the sake of kids? Sad and confused. So upset that I will not even talk to husband. Oh...Counselor said it would be fine to call the husband and tell him. He saw nothing wrong with this.
Went to the marriage counselor. The counselor told my husband that this is an emotional affair, and it only will lead to a physical affair. It needs to end. My husband isn't sure if he wants to end this. He said it has taken him 28 years to find her, and he isn't going to lose her. I would say our marriage is over. I will be an actress through the holidays for the kids. After that, I may just wait until the kids are out of high school to permanently end this relationship. This makes me very sad. Do you think it is wrong to stay in a marriage for the sake of kids? Sad and confused. So upset that I will not even talk to husband. Oh...Counselor said it would be fine to call the husband and tell him. He saw nothing wrong with this.
i'll say this...your counselor is good, and correct. feel blessed by having this person working for you. do what he/she says. this may work itself out after all.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
23 Years of Marriage that May be Ending 
