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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-30-2009, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Hurting and confused

Hi you all
I'm new here and I am very glad I found this site. It's what I've been looking for for a long time. I don't know where to begin. I've been married for 7 years with 3 beautiful boys. Generally my marriage is okay but I live in constant fear, afraid of rocking the boat. Even when we are happy I'm afraid that I may say something that will upset my husband. He is very short tempered and you never know what could make him angry. One moment we are happy and the next could be hellish to say the least. He is a very good husband, a good father and a good companion but it is the fear of making him angry that is working on my nerves. The thing is when I happen to say something without thinking and he becomes angry, he then becomes revengeful. Firstly my husband is always right and I'm always wrong. I used to tolerate this and try to reconcile just for the sake of maintianing peace but then I got tired. He sulks for weeks on end when angry and gives me complete silence. He then does a he pleases and I cannot say anything about it. When I started to show signs of independence, like not begging him and do as I please as well within marital boundaries of course, he started to find ways to hurt me so that I could feel the pain and try and make things right. He will talk on his cell phone any time of the night with women, something he doesn't do when we are happy. He will come home very late at night without any explanations. He will go wherever he wants sometimes for days without telling me, I'll just come home and find his toiletries and stuff gone. I used to call and ask where he was before and if he answered his phone he'll make me feel like I've committed crime and cannot stand me. Everytime we have an argument, he gives me silent treatment and doesn't answer any of my calls. He then tells me that I am ungrateful and I don't know what I want. He makes me feel like he's doing me a favour by loving me and I hate it. I don't want to leave him because as I said he is generally a good man when he wants to but should I make him angry in any way, then he becomes a cruel monster. I've grown strong and now I can do the same as he does and just let him be but then it takes longer for things to get back to normal because he will make sure that I suffer until I surrender. Now he has taken off his wedding ring because he can see that I'm holding on. That hurt but I said nothing. What should I say? He is old and know what is right and what is wrong. I don't know what to do anymore, this man is hurting me so much. I have no security in this marriage in knowing that even if we fight we'll be fine as all married couples fight. No, in my marriage when my husband is angry, he wants to inflict as much pain as possible. He becomes revengeful and wants to see how far I can go. This is hurting me so much but he doesn't know because I stopped crying. I even stopped praying because my prayers are never answered. When he gets tired of all this childish behaviour, he will then do something to provoke me into talking then turn around and blames me for everything. We then reconcile but I find it difficult to love him after that but I just grin and suffer in silence.
I'm sorry for the long post, just wanted to share because I have no one to talk to. Thanks for reading so far!

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-30-2009, 09:48 AM
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Re: Hurting and confused

Your husband sounds very childish and controlling. If he doesn't get his way, he punishes you.

Unfortunately, you two have a well established pattern for him disrespecting you. The fact that he leaves for days at a time sometimes and talks to women when he's mad at you is rediculous!
Why are you letting him do that to you?

If you want to live like that the rest of your life, do nothing. Otherwise, you need to sit him down and have a long talk with him. If you get the silent treatment for it, oh well. Tell him that you expect to be treated the way he wants you to treat him. If he thinks it's OK to talk to other women and leave for days at a time, then it must be ok for you to talk to men and leave for days at a time. How would he like that?

He is intentionally hurting you. Is that what you want the rest of your life? He either needs to wake up and see that you have value, or..........
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-01-2009, 04:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hurting and confused

Thanks for responding, I guess I needed to hear thaa from someone else. I've talked to him on several occassions and I'm now tired. I have even involved his family and they spoke to him in front of me and he always shows remorse but I know he feels that I deserve all that bad treatment for some reason, it's his way of punishing me. I no longer hurt that much when he does it anymore. I just become ready for him to play his games and just ignores him but the problem with that is that even when we've reconciled, I find it difficult to love him and he then blames me for being cold towards him. It's not like I depend on him financially or anything. I would leave but the thought of uprooting my children is upsetting me. Anyway why should I be the one who leaves when he's the one with issues. He may just as well pack his bags and I told him so the last time we were in this situation and he asked me where should he go, it's his house also and he has nowhere to go. I guess all I'm left with now is to divorce him emotionally, live my life and just forget that he exists until he's willing to behave like an adult.
Thanks once more for your response!
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-01-2009, 12:05 PM
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Re: Hurting and confused

@Southernsbo-do you think u want to remain married and work things out? Or would you rather divorce? I am so sorry you are going through this, this post almost brought me to tears because I know in a way-on what you are going through, my husband has an anger problem(he is very aware of it and will step out of the house for like 10minutes if we begin to fight to avoid rage) he always turns situations around back to me and makes me seem like I am the crazy one, I can totally relate to how you are feeling and the feeling of having to walk on egg shells to please your husband is no fun I also see that you have tried talking to him about it, but he seems to continue to show rage toward you at times. You should not have to live in a house with him and forget that he exists until he gets better, have you considered going to couples therapy? I have been considering this lately to avoid as many arguments as my H and I have. If you are willing to work things out, therapy may be the best option because why would you want to continue to torture yourself in pain because he is angry or doing things as revenge. Maybe a temporary seperation if you 2 are considering divorce to see if you can both think things through and decide what would be the best options for yourselves and your children? I hope something works out and that you do not continue to suffer because I know how much it hurts when the rage wave comes through. keep us updated
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-01-2009, 12:32 PM
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Re: Hurting and confused

I think your husband has control issues, it's just right the way he act or conducts himself, I read once that control freaks can get really angry when they feel they are losing control, I think you need to consider this. We will also do this to the kids in time as well, do you really want them to feel like you do. Why this is not fair to you or the kids, he should try going to a therapist to see if he can figure out why he needs to do this.....I feel bad for you I can see you want things to work out you just don't know how to help him......I think this is to much for you and maybe you need to consider a separation as hard as that thought is, I think if he doesn't know you are serious he won't acknowledge his behaviour.
good luck I feel for you, hang in will eventually be better
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-01-2009, 12:41 PM
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Re: Hurting and confused

I am on the "other" side of this.I am the man with the rage.
I have OCD badly,and "Mildly" Bipolar.I have mood swings.I have started to see these coming and if it is the bad ones,I ask to be left alone.Basically giving the family a heads up of "hey its not you guys its me,but please just leave me alone cause I am having a episode".
Me and my wife for years we have had ups and downs with this,even when we were dating.She loves me and knew at times I was not "right in the head".I have had "Anger Management" therapy,they told me that no one "makes" you angry,you choose to "get" angry.I still do not believe this.People learn the right buttons to push and out of spite they will push them.HOWEVER it is up to you as a person to LEARN to see it coming and to CONTROL your behavior.
Its like seeing a train wreck just before it happens and switching the track to avoid the wreckage.I am learning to switch tracks.Do I slip up and get mad?Yes I do,but there is a difference in getting mad and being in control and raging or over reacting.

I feel for you Southernsbo,he NEEDS to realize there is a problem with rage,the revengeful attitude is not healthy for a marriage.
I see to trains on a collision coarse,can I switch the tracks before the wreckage?Resentment this is the killer of marriages.
He says,She says followed by Anger then resentment,resentment then disgust for your mate,followed by no sex or love,then cheating.

It sounds like he is a angry person all around.
Was his father there for him?Mine was not,I still have a chip on my shoulder about it.Resentment is such a powerful thing.
Have you done anything in the past that he would have reason to over react?I would say you have been true to him,however jealousy can eat someone up inside and some people never learn to control that emotion.
Has he always been like this?Maybe he has a problem like OCD or Manic Depression or Bipolar.The solution is to see a doctor for proper diagnosis.I will state here and now that I am not medicated for my "problems",I should be maybe,but just knowing about them and knowing that I definitely have these imbalances has help 100%.I got my head out of the sand so to speak.

Also with him being vengeful and calling these women and also the trips for days on end with no on the look out for a no good lying cheater. I say this not to worry or upset you,God knows you don't need none of that.However it would be foolish to ignore the possibility of him cheating.Check his emails,web sites and phone records to make sure.You do not want to be caught off guard.Then if he is you have options,bail from the train wreck and start over or Forgiveness.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-01-2009, 04:37 PM
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Re: Hurting and confused

You might like The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. And, while I don't want to sound like a broken record, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-03-2009, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hurting and confused

Hi guys
Thank you so much for your responses, you have no idea how much they meant to me. I've been out of touch due to my laptop not connecting to the internet for some reason but I'm back. You know sometimes I feel guilty for even talking about his behaviour because people know him as such a gentleman and believe you me, he is a gentleman and a loving father to his kids. The problem is you never know when you are going to make him angry. I like your advice Tweak of changing tracks to avoid a train wreck, I've been doing it all my life hence walking on eggshells but it's so difficult to know when he's going to explode. We can be happy for a month or so and then he'll be irritable about little things and I'll know that a fight is on the way and I'll try to avoid it at all costs but boom something happens and he snaps. When he does snap I cannot even to put in a word, he just would not allow me to talk. He once slapped me when I kept on talking trying to get a response from him but apologised later but now I can just look him in the eye and know he's in the warpath and then back off. You are all right, he has control issues but what do I do. He will go to all lengths to make sure that I suffer when he believes that I've done something wrong and no matter how much I apologise, he never listens until he decides that he's ready to talk and that could take about 3 to 4 weeks at a time and once it even went to 6 weeks of no communication at all but just animosity and resentment.
God, I wish I knew what to do. I do not want to end this marriage, I love him and at best he's a good guy. For the first time I've realised that my marriage maybe over but I know he would make my life hell if I were to leave him because he thinks I don't know life and compared to aother man out there he's the best and I'm just ungrateful. Tweak, I don't even want to think about him cheating but believe me I know he must be, I have seen the signs and I've got a room in my heart for that I just don't want to think about it now. Baby steps here, I want to be strong enough first and be able to deal with the current situation without adding on more painful things. I'm sorry this is sooo long, it's just that I know I'm not supposed to be going through this but I don't want to leave. I feel like I would have failed in a way if I dropped my marriage. I'm just praying that God will show me the way soon. I'm even afraid now that if he were to know that I'm in this site and be able to access my posts, he will be very angry because he will not understand how I can talk to other people about personal stuff. He wants me to suffer alone and no one should know and being the coward that I am, I never stand my ground because he never gives me a chance to have a word and me being glad we are talking, I allow him to get his way for the sake of peace. Once again I'm sorry guys for burdening you with all my problems but I need to off load before I lose my mind.
Thank you for you patience, I know it's long.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-03-2009, 12:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hurting and confused

Artieb, what is" Gentle art of verbal defense". Is that a book? I need all the help I can get. I'm really considering the separation but the thought of me leaving and disturbing my children's comfort is painful. I wish he could be the one to leave but how do I get him to do so. I cannot force him to leave or can I? Yhooo I can imagine what he would say if I asked him to leave, the insults and the threats will fly my way. Why did I allow this to get this far?
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-22-2009, 12:29 PM
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Re: Hurting and confused

Originally Posted by Southernsbo View Post
Artieb, what is" Gentle art of verbal defense". Is that a book?
Sorry to let this go so long; yes, it's a book. (Googling...) It's by Suzette Haden Elgin, who has a couple others on the same theme but this is the one I read.

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