My family hates my wife
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Old 11-30-2009, 11:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My family hates my wife

My wife and I are married 1 year, together nearly 10. I've always known that there was some tension between my family and her, particularly between my mother and her. To me, it almost seemed normal, that common feud between a wife and her mother-in-law. But I just found out over the weekend that just about everyone on my side of the family hates her. I get the feeling that they are all just hoping that I eventually get divorced. Right now in my relationship, I am mostly happy (is anyone ever really completely happy?). My wife and I rarely fight, we get along very well I think. We have some issues like any couple, but nothing too major. Most of our issues seem to stem from family conflict, and I'm afraid that my marriage is under attack from my family. I don't want to end up one of those couples who has to disown one side of the family to stay together. I'm convinced that I can have my marriage and my family relationships too. I'm just not sure how.

My wife and mother have done the sit-down thing, tried to work out their issues, but without any resolution. They still are always at odds, my mother convinced that my wife hates my family and wants to take me away from the family. And my wife is convinced that my mother is out to get her and wants to sabotage us. Neither of which I think is true, by the way. On top of that, I found out just this weekend that the unrest extends to my brother, my aunt and uncle, cousins, their spouses, etc. Everyone hates my wife, and they think that I'm unhappy. I found out that everyone talks about this, everyone wonders if I'm really happy with a woman that they all apparently think is a horrible person. Now they're even asking me directly, "Are you really happy?" They say I've changed, I've adapted to my wife's personality and gotten used to her. I think I've changed a little, but I think she has changed as well and that's what marriage is about, compromise and adapting to each other's personality's and lifestyles.

So after trying to get my head around this for a while now, I'm at a loss as to what I can do. Anyone ever been through this family drama before? How did you cope and how did you work it out? Is there any way to make everyone happy in this situation?
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Old 11-30-2009, 11:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My family hates my wife

You don't state a reason for your family's dislike of your wife, but many times there doesn't have to be a valid reason for not liking your in-laws. I have noticed over the years that their "dislike" is often pure jealousy. I also know from experience, that it is far more easy to blame everything that the in-laws don't like on the daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Unfortunately, it happens all the time. If you find that hard to believe, view the I Hate My Inlaws website for some eye openers.
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Old 11-30-2009, 12:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My family hates my wife

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You don't state a reason for your family's dislike of your wife...
They think she is a miserable person, always unhappy, crabby about something, unappreciative, and not interested in bonding with my side of the family. They think she is all about her family and would rather have nothing to do with my family.

The way I see it, she maybe just needs to work on showing her interest in my family. I always thought it was obvious, but maybe not. Like the time she made a long car trip to visit my parents just days after having her appendix removed. We had planned the trip for months, and she didn't want to miss it. While there, she was in some pain and was visibly uncomfortable, I thought obviously from the surgery. However my mother interpreted it as her being unhappy to be visiting. If she didn't want to go see my parents, she had ever reason to just stay home and rest from the surgery, but she made the trip anyway because she knew it meant a lot to my mother and she wanted to be there. My mother doesn't see it that way.

On the other hand, my wife does do some things that I think are appropriately interpreted by my mother as being a bit divisive. Like forgetting to invite important members of my immediate family over for the holidays, while extending the invite to my wife's sister's in-laws.

To further complicate things, I think both of them do things that are completely harmless and inconsequential, that they end up interpreting as earth-shattering events that were clearly done to take a stab at the other person, when that's just not the case and no ill intentions were ever meant.

Basically there is a huge divide between my wife and my family right now. Everyone is cordial in person, and I guess we all fake it and act like things are just peachy. But behind the scenes, I know that they hate her and I think she is growing to dislike most of my family (I know she already hates my mother). I'm just not sure if this divide can be mended and how to do it. With my mother, I guess I should almost expect that there will always be issues. How many people get along with their mother-in-law anyway? But I can't tolerate my whole family being at odds with my wife, and with her now developing a resentment with them and further complicating the matter.

Last edited by jaks; 11-30-2009 at 12:11 PM.
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Old 11-30-2009, 01:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My family hates my wife

Jaks, your wife should always be your number one priority. Unless she is clearly in the wrong, she should always have your support. Some in-laws seem to find fault with anything a daughter-in-law/son-in-law does, and that is just plain wrong!
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Old 11-30-2009, 03:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Absolutely, my wife is my priority. I just feel like I'm headed for a situation where I have to make a choice once and for all, and I don't like where that leads (disowning my family). I used to have a great relationship with my family, especially my brother. I hate to even think about where this is going to lead unless I can somehow mend things between my family and my wife.

The tricky part is that my wife isn't blameless in all of this. Generally I think she is right, but not 100% of the time. So it's not just a matter of setting my family straight about my wife and asking that they show some respect or anything like that. I think she needs to work a little bit to get on good terms with them as well. I guess I'm just stumped about how to make that happen. I know approaching my wife about this would have to be a very delicate matter. Obviously I can't say, "Hey honey, my family hates you." And similarly with my family, I don't want to throw down an ultimatum and say, "Accept my wife or get out of my life." There has to be a way to bring my wife and family closer together and reduce the tension.
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Old 11-30-2009, 05:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My family hates my wife

You definitely need to tell your family to back the F off. You're wife is first. Marriage is the union of a man and woman WHO LEAVE THEIR PARENTS to join together. Wife first. Other relations are far down the priority list.

It's a good idea for a couple to move away from family, especially at the start of a marriage.

Seriously - this isn't even a contest. My MIL is a pain but my wife chose me over her. I'm fortunate that when my mother met my future wife for the very first time the first words out of her mouth were "Mi case es su casa". It just built a relationship between them.

As a parent, I know that I need to accept anybody that my girls marry. He'll be their choice, not mine.
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Old 02-06-2011, 11:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My family hates my wife

Jaks,

What happened with your situation? I am going through something very similar to you and am looking for answers too! Did you discover anything?

Thanks for your help.
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Old 02-06-2011, 11:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My family hates my wife

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Originally Posted by donlyone View Post
Jaks,

What happened with your situation? I am going through something very similar to you and am looking for answers too! Did you discover anything?

Thanks for your help.
for me, I stopped contact with my family, have only just started contact with them in the last month or so (since marriage probs escalated)
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Old 02-06-2011, 11:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My family hates my wife

If I were you, I would sit down with all of my family members who are at odds with my wife and find out firsthand what their problems are. If you think that the problems are inconsequential, tell them so. Also tell them that you have chosen to spend your life with this woman and that she is your priority.
Then tell your family to either embrace her as a family member or suffer losing you.
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Old 02-07-2011, 05:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My family hates my wife

I am going through this right now, my husband's family doesn't like me due to them loving his ex wife, they have never taken the time to get to know me, I have had talks with the family as well nothing has helped. I don't know your whole situation but make sure to let your wife know you love her, my husband is so unsupportive and tells me to get over it but it hurts in our situation he is welcome to go to his family's without me and our children until they can recognize that he is happy and be happy for him. So you don't have to ignore your family as long as you are supportive of your wife and her feelings.
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