General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Wife and I are starting a trial separation this week. I feel like I need to reach out and speak with someone, but I’m not sure I can talk right now without “losing it.”
Ever feel this way?
She continues to claim that this is only temporary, but I’m just not sure that she will make the changes she needs to make for our marriage to work.
I can think of two times in the last 6 months when I “said” something I really regretted later. But, I think overall I’ve shown an incredible amount of patience and integrity while continuing to take care of our house and children, and fight for our marriage, while she has continually lied to me about her “friend.”
My fear is that if I become the man I really want to be, and work on the things I need to work on, then I won’t want her to come back unless she is ready to commit all she has to making our marriage and family work the way they should.
My primary issues – I think – are with low self-esteem and lacking a network of friends to help me deal with issues like THIS one. There are people I could reach out to, but this has been so painful (and embarrassing) that I’ve mostly just kept it to myself.
Stuck here at work today – dying to be heard – but not wanting to let anyone inside.
As unrealistic as it may be, I really wish I had my wife back.
I went through a "trial seperation" with my w. It was supposed to be a time for her to have space - physical space. Looking back on it I believe this was just a step for my w to make it permanent. She too had a friend or two friends. I'm not sure what they are to her. But that doesn't help the situation at all. If someone isn't willing to forgo the others, then you aren't working on the relationship at all. I'm sorry you are in this spot. But what is happening to me, may not happen to you.
I hope not. Anymore I don't know what to believe from my w.
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Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for me and my son. She is gone -- her loss.
Therapist and W's brother (who was in MY role about 2 years ago before getting divorced, so he's been very helpful to us both) seem to think this is a good step.
I feel your pain, I really do. Regardless of the situation and circumstances that have happened recently in my marriage, I too am lonely and want my wife back. She is completely pulling away from me, more and more every day, she already has her apartment, and seems very happy with where her life is right now. That makes the situation hurt even more. I too have low self-esteem and am lacking a network of friends to help me deal with issues like THIS one. There are people I could reach out to, and have, but they are so close to the situatio (family members) that all they do is bash her, which may be warranted, but I still want to defend her!
I feel you, brother, I really do. I too really wish I had my wife back. This happened so quick that I havent had a chance to reflect. I hope that things get better for the both of us.
My fear is that if I become the man I really want to be, and work on the things I need to work on, then I won’t want her to come back unless she is ready to commit all she has to making our marriage and family work the way they should.
This means you are healing, and quite frankly, you shouldn't want anything less than a partner that is committed to working with you, not against you. You're being aware of what she needs to do, and the belief that she won't do it means that you recognize the truth for what it is - but you aren't ready to embrace it. Consequently, we cling to what we know, as painful, dysfunctional and hurtful as it may be.
There will come a time when you choose not to make yourself sad. There will also come a time when you will be dumbfounded that you clung on as long as you did - before letting go and discovering how strong you truly are.
Thanks guys. Always nice to know you aren't alone.
Feeling better today. Last night my wife actually seemed to want to be close to me for the first time in a while.
And I talked to a co-worker briefly. I was able to say the words "trial separation" out loud with no problem. Felt like I needed to tell someone - and I did - and it helped me feel a little bit better.
Deejo - I hope you are right. Maybe some really good things will come out of this. Maybe we'll both become stronger, better individuals and be better able to focus on a marriage.
Or - worst case - I become that man I want to be and realize that I can be happy regardless of what she chooses.
I sorted of feel the same as you have been very tight lipped about my situation, can't bring myself to deal with it I guess, I do think it might give us some relief, I think half of what I am feeling is the fear of everyone finding out.....once less worry I guess if they did know, you might find your people will come to you then and offer help.
Be strong and keep acting with integrity and honesty and take one day at a time......that's all you have to do at this point
I've never heard of a situation where a trial separation doesn't become permanent, but then again, my experience is limited to myself and 2 others, so your mileage may vary.
First things first, it's good that you're talking about it, even if it's just to a message board. Especially THIS message board. You won't believe how liberating and empowering it can be, especially when everyone on the board can relate in some way and can offer support, advice or give you a harsh reality check, if necessary.
Now, it's been my experience that if she wants the separation, she's doing it to further whatever relationship she has going on the side and to distance herself from you. And she will not be the one to want the reconciliation. It will be you, and she will enjoy the attention she is now getting from her side-piece(s) and you, but knowing that she can have you anytime is not a challenge.
So, she's going to have to play this out until she realizes the OM is not going to be a long-term committed relationship. At that point, she may return to you for a short while (safety net). She'll expect YOU to have made all the changes and try to win HER back. But, she will have gained newfound confidence and independence and may choose to continue to pursue that. She will not want to return to what she ran away from, partly because of guilt, so you need to steel yourself for that possibility.
The plus side for you is, you haven't given up on yourself, and you realize that she may not be willing or capable to make this thing work. Keep strengthening your resolve, knowing that if she chooses not to continue with you, she will have lost a better man than she first gained and that someone will recognize you for your true worth and be everything to you your wife couldn't/wouldn't be.
Like I said - I'm really struggling with this idea of "working on ourselves" in a situation where I'm pretty comfortable in my own imperfect skin.
The things I plan to work on will be the things that will make ME happy - and not necessarily what SHE thinks I should be doing.
And there's nothing I can work on by myself to make me trust her again. No amount of personal therapy, meditation, exercise, reading, etc. - will make me trust her again.
Its completely up to her to rebuild the trust we once had, and I'm just not sure how she'll do that while living in an apartment by herself.
Lonely 
