IhateTheNavy

Ok, been married to my wife for about 2 months now, been dating on and off for 5 years. I'm in the Navy, living in Italy, she's out here with me as well.

The past couple of nights, we've been arguing a lot, which seem to have been happening from little incidents. For example, the other night, I'm in the living room, playing some Xbox (wasn't on for long, just about an hour or so) while she was using the computer. So she gets up and says she's going to go lay down and head to bed and asked me if I wanted her to sleep out with me in the living room until I went to bed, to which I replied, "Sure, either way, if you want to lay down in the bed I'll be there soon." She said, "Well, do you want me to, or don't you?" This went back and forth with the same responses from both of us for a few minutes until she just went off and said, "Well fine, if you don't want me near you, whatever." And stormed off into the bedroom. So I follow her into the room and ask her what her problem with me is, and she starts asking me why I just didn't say "yes" to her question, why I couldn't just say I wanted her there next to me, and since I didn't, it makes her feel like I don't want her around(I'm with here every single day, the only time I don't see her is when I work, I never go out on my own or anything, and I don't care because I love being with her). So I told her the reason I just didn't say yes is because she asked the question expecting a certain answer, I told her it made me feel like I was being somewhat controlled in a sense, for example, when I ask this, say this, or else. We then started arguing more and she told me she's always unhappy and down because I don't care when she's upset, which isn't true because I hate seeing her upset ever over anything. She then told me that when something upsets her, I need to stop doing it. And I asked for clarification, if she meant anything, and she said yes. So, she's saying, if anything I ever do upsets her in any way, then I need to stop doing it without discussion (she also said when she tried telling me about something that upset her, I always give her my opinion. I don't do it to make her feel like she is wrong, I do it to discuss the issue, but she's saying that she doesn't even want me to do that, she wants me to just change anything I do that upsets her at all. Is this right?

I love her more than anything and I want this to work, but these huge fights start over nothing, and from my perspective she's just blowing them up into something they don't need to be and I get so frustrated sometimes that I don't even know what to say sometimes. I'm at work right now and we're kind of fighting through e-mails because she said I have to many female friends on my facebook that she doesn't know and she told me it made her uncomfortable. So, I deleted them without question, however, she is still dragging it out asking me why I added them in the first place (it's people I knew from middle school and high school) so I told her, but she just keeps saying, "seems like you want to get to know other girls". I don't know what to do, any advice on how to go about working on these issues? I'm all ears. (Or eyes in this case, heh.)

jaks

Not sure how much help I can be on the fighting, but I will say this about Facebook: I have never heard anyone say "Facebook has been great for my marriage." In general, I think Facebook does more harm than good to relationships. It just opens up the door to too many suspicions and too much doubt. If you had even one person of the opposite sex in your Friends list, that one person would be all you need to cause your wife to get suspicious.

A co-worker and I were talking at his desk one day when he got an email notification that an ex-girlfriend had added him as a friend on FB. We talked about it for a minute and debated what he should do about it. We finally both agreed that as much as the curiosity was overwhelming to see what an ex was up to these days, no good would come out of it. That "Accept" button might as well have said "Accept the inevitability of a future fight with wife about your ex and why she's on your Friends list."

My advice: Keep your FB as bro-populated as possible. And limit your time on it altogether. It's great for catching up with friends and keeping in touch. Just use it sparingly and wisely.

IhateTheNavy

As for the FB I get that now, should have thought of it earlier I suppose, that's fault on my part. Once I knew she was upset I deleted them right then trying to show her that I didn't care about them, yet she's still going on as to why I did it in the first place, it's almost as if she's expecting a negative answer because the answer's as to why I accepted their invites in the first place aren't good enough for her.

swedish

It almost sounds that everything that bothers your wife is related to her questioning whether you 'want' her and how much...Is she generally insecure, jealous?

I can agree with her to a point, that it's important to choose your words carefully and to try to make her feel loved but to never discuss anything that might upset her is ridiculous...it will backfire on her as you will eventually find others to talk to about these things and push her further away.

Sven

When she asks you a question that you know the answer should be "Yes"...then say "Yes". It's not hard. Make it an enthusiastic YES! Everyone needs attention and affection and your spouse should give that to you.

I'd suggest putting down the damn XBOX and just going to bed with her. You're two months into your marriage (no matter how long you've been dating) - don't screw it up now.

Sven

Let me put it another way....20 years from now when she brings it up again as the source of her resentment towards you during your entire marriage, you'll wish you had paid more attention to her now.

BigBadWolf

Playing XBox and being apathetic as to what your wife is doing? Female friends on FB? Please, for the sake of your marriage and your sanity STOP treating your wife like a "pal" and learn how to treat her like a woman.

In case you or anyone else in the world doesn't know, if she's a woman then YES she is insecure and YES she is jealous. Take that to the bank. Want to make her happy? Take control of the little things like establishing bedtime routines, go out of your way to make her feel protected and cherished. If she acts "unreasonable", then it's simple, it is your responsibility to just treat her like a little girl. Yes, I said it. It may sound disrespectful to your ears but to her it makes her feel attended to, loved, cared for in a fun way...in short, she feels like she's your lady, and will go a LONG way to easing her insecurities.