magmag

and I don't even know where to start.
H and I have been married for 10yrs and together for 16. Things have never really been "right" with us but it's gotten worse and worse and come to a head within the last few weeks.

We've been fighting alot and just generally avoiding each other. We've never really had good communication.
Last weekend he finally told me that he wants a separation. He's been seeing someone else (and old friend) for a few weeks. He doesn't think it's cheating cause he's only kissed her but between the kissing, talking and hiding it all it's definitely at least an emotional affair.

We have decided on marriage counseling but he really does not have faith that it will work. He's trying because we have 2 kids.
He kissed me yesterday, like really kissed me, to see if he felt anything. He says he's not sure if he did or not. He says that he loves me but we are just 2 different people.

I'm just so lost, confused, hurt, angry and just about every other emotion out there that I don't know what to do.
I'm willing to give this my all to make this work but I honestly don't know if he is. I think he's just going through the motions so he can say that he tried.

Any advice and words of wisdom you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

jessi

It sounds like he is at a cross roads, I think he sounds confused about what he is feeling, maybe receiving what is missing from the old friend, but maybe he is just seeing what he wants to see there as well, hard when you are confused.
Go to marriage counseling, talk all his feelings out, talk about yours not in a blame game thing in a real listening to each other thing and see what is really wrong.
It's all fixable if each of you is heard and given the right to feel the way you do....
You guys have just lost the intimate connection between you doesn't matter you can get it back......Have you read the book The 5 Love Languages by Dobson I think.....read it understand what he needs what you need, I think it will give you a understanding how important what you don't get is between a couple
Good Luck and try not to be to angry, that never helps to fix anything

AlexNY

This kiss experiment is very revealing about your husband. He appears to be seeking "lost feelings". This is very common in women who have been married to a subordinate man who changes his personality and habits to accommodates her wishes. Over time, she finds that the "perfect" man that she has created seems "useless" to her, leaving her "dead inside". This often leads to a search for the missing feelings of romance and excitement, usually in the form of an affair.

I am not sure what would cause a man to loose his feelings for his wife. It probably does not matter, since what you really need is a solution. There are two versions.

One line of thought is "nature". That is to say, the solution to the problem is for the unloved partner to embrace traditional male/female roles of dominance/submission.

The other line of thought is "nurture". That is to say, the solution to the problem is for teenage-brained "feelings seeker" to grow up and realign his/her priorities with modern values such as duty and family, which bring their own form of contentment.

Good luck. Sorry your H wants to be a teenager again. These feelings are usually called a mid life crisis. Most people are mature enough to shake it off. Some selfish individuals cannot see past their own desire, no matter the damage done to children, spouse, and a life built together.

sisters359

Your husband needs to cut ties with the OW if the counseling will ever work. Cut ties, completely. He must imagine life ON HIS OWN and decide if that is what he really wants, because that is the only way he can *know* if he is really interested in saving the marriage. A marriage cannot compete with a new love affair in full bloom. It can compete (if he can remember the "old, better days") with the possibility of a long life of being alone--which is the most likely outcome. If he prefers that over the marriage, you may not have much hope, but it is always worth a try.

Tell him cutting ties works for him in 2 ways: it keeps him from repeating the same pattern over again (which happens when a person jumps from marriage into another relationship without figuring out what went wrong the first time), and it allows him to know he did not leave his marriage in a cowardly way--simply for another person. And as I said above, cutting ties works for the marriage in one important way, b/c the marriage cannot compete with the new love affair. Best of luck.