Jdack

I have been married for 14 yrs. Ever since we met my wife has has a problem with me going away for overnight stays withut her. These were annual get together with my brothers at a cabin for few nights (clean fun- we drink but not looking for an affair) just have been doing this for 20 years now every summer. My boss also invites our team (all men) to his cottage for a weekend and it is a good time to bond with co-workers (again clean fun- play cards,golf, drink, but nothing we would not want our wives to see). And more recently I have taken a few overnight trips to enjoy a winter sport that I have always liked since my teens and it is the only sport/hobby that I have for myself. It has always been a sore spot right from day one and before I would go and after I returned, there would be silent treamtments for a week or so, no sex interest of course, many arguments (almost all our arguments have been around me taking time for me) Is this excessive time away? My wife has never been one to want to take time or make time to do things with others, just does not want me to do it. This is a serous problem in our marriage. I know I could simply stop going away and things would be better, but I would be angry inside and resent her for it. I want to be clear that I have never been unfaithful to my wife or given her reason to not trust me away from her. I work on the road and have to travel about 10 nights a year out of town, probably 5-7 nights, I am able to bring my family with me. When I am away for work alone, seems that is ok, but if away for personal interests, not ok. This year we have really gone head to head on this issue and I think I am pretty easy going guy, but don't like being pushed and have pushed back. I would be interested in opinions of others or advise.
Thank

Lucretia

Your problem is not an uncommon one. You have a right to do things on your own now and then and from what youv'e written it's not excessive. I'm assuming you've got kids so I'm thinking the fallback your getting is because she's tired and has to handle the kids and everything on her own while your away, Im guessing she probably gets a bit lonely too. Try to explain to her that you need to have time away now and then. Encourage her to do the same - I know you say she won't do this - but you could encourage her to get out of the house and go to a park and read by herself for a bit while you look after the kids for her, or get her to start up a night course doing something she enjoys. It sounds as though your marriage is doing ok in every other way - so its worth trying to find a solution for this. Good luck

BigBadWolf

If you have to ask whether you have a controlling wife, then you do. And unfortunately it's your own fault.

A woman WILL RESENT a weak man.

This has been happening since men and women first discovered each other. A woman is sexually attracted to a man that is in control of himself and his environment and naturally gives herself to him, willing submission and deep sexual attraction, that's biological. The man naturally protects what he perceives as "his", whether it is "his" home, "his" tools, or "his" woman. If he fails to make "his" woman feel protected and secure, instead of being deeply sexually attracted to him, she WILL RESENT him and will push him until he shows her what he is made of.

This "pushing" is what men call a "nagging wife" or a wife that "witholds sex". If a man understands this comes from his woman feeling insecure and takes care of this issue, marriage is bliss. If a man does not understand this, then it will make him wish for the day of his death.

I say it again, a woman WILL RESENT a weak man.

Control, or be controlled. In intimate relationships, that's the brutal truth.

Our biologicial history and what makes us man and woman, is that a man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated.

When a man treats his woman like a woman, she feels protected and adored. She strives to be dominated, she craves it. And then when the man goes off to do "man things", instead of her feeling insecure and "pushing him", she will miss him of course, but not be anxious and feel abandoned. She will long for her "hunter" to return with fondness. That is like the phrase "absence making the heart grow fonder".

So your problem is certainly not you leaving once a year or so for "man things", it's that you need to make sure you have properly and honestly connected emotionally with your wife as a man to a woman.

No, things will not "be better" if you "simply stopped going away", that is appeasment and it does NOT work with a woman. Instead it would make you look pathetic in her eyes and she will RESENT you more for it!!!!!!

Until she views you as STRONG and herself as PROTECTED and CHERISHED, then she will feel insecure and abandoned.

That means she is not to control the arguing, not to dictate silent treatments, not to say at all when you come and go, not to dictate the sex (when and how) as a carrot to control your actions, and probably many other things deep down she wishes her man would control instead of her.

When you do these things for her, you are not being mean, you are simply stopping the downward spiral of resentment you are caught up in now. Instead of insecurity, you give her the gift of feeling loved, protected, and adored.

A woman wants her man to treat her like a woman. Ignore all the political correct and social taboos that cloud the issues and take this one to heart!

Nekko

@ BigBadWolf : While you might be right in most of what you say, control or be controlled does not work either. Either woman or man will eventually be tired of being controlled and will become miserable. Control should be always pressent in the marriage, in the form of each person controlling their own self.

I also know control usually happens when you don't have trust. You perceive a potential 'danger' and are trying to prepare yourself for it. While controlling people are perceived as being 'mean' they are usually on the defensive, trying to protect themselves from something.


To put it honestly...the OP's wife (by what it sounds like) is either :

a. worried you want some other woman(men are known to get tired of their woman and want variety. In all due reality both genders want variety but can live happily without. It's also generally the woman who gets bored first(simply because men are much much more giving in the courtship phase)!

When a woman gets bored she generally accepts it as a part of life, but is aware that her man is probably bored too, and fears that he won't accept this boredom as a part of life and look elseware for excitement. If this is the case, every time you leave she spends the whole time being angry and afraid. When you come back she'll withold sex (what if he was with someone else...i don't wanna touch him...even if she rationally knows that nothing happened. That fear is enough to cut her drive and it's uncontrollable).While you might take this lack of trust in you as unfair, remember that fear is a very powerful feeling and pain is something we all wish to avoid (specially the excrutiating pain that comes from cheating). And that lack of trust is generally from inside herself (she feels like she wouldn't be able to handle you cheating on her. that's what makes most women so insecure and jealous).

b. angry about being alone with the kids while you're having fun. When women get married, they tend to let the man be in charge. That is obviously more convenient since both can't lead and the woman is better suited for taking care of the home and kids (mostly due to the way she was brought up). Most of us are taught that our man is the one who goes out, has the good job, brings all the money etc. while we stay at home and ensure that he comes back to a nice, pleasant, loving environment. Most women aren't happy in this possition. For most of us it feels like we're giving up our lives in favor of someone else. She'd like to have fun on her own, but she probably feels like you should lead her to that fun (is she used to you making the decissions about most other stuff?).

Bottom line is Either that you're having fun while she's miserable or she's terrified that you'll cheat. Not going anymore WILL NOT solve the problem at all. I completely agree with the OP on that. It's like putting a band-aid on a wound that will spread. The band aid will just become too small.

Are you having fun with her too? Comparable to the fun you have with your friends? That may also be an issue. The less important she thinks she is in your eyes the more jealous she'll become of anyone or anything that provides you fun or excitement. The key here is not to remove all excitement and fun in your life, but create that with her as well. How exactly you do that, only you can know (based on how she was when you met - more of a lady or a tomboy, party girl or funny..etc).

As always, can't help but write a lot, and I'm not very sure if this makes any sense to you.

__________________
- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -

HappyHer

I agree with Nekko about checking to make sure she feels as if she is the most important person in your life. Are you spending as much time "away" with her as you are on your own? If not, your time away may seem selfish. She may feel as if this is the only time you are pursuing fun, and it's without her. If she felt that most of your leisure time was spent pursuing things with her, and THEN you wanted to get away, she may not mind it as much. Chances are she is feeling unimportant in your life and that leads to feeling insecure, especially when you are away on overnight trips. I wouldn't say she is trying to be controlling, she probably just doesn't know how to communicate that to you in a way you can understand, or maybe you feel your "donation" is the hard work you do, but women need the romance and to feel important to you in all aspects of your life.

Jdack

Thanks for your feedback - never saw it from some of these viewpoints and I would have to say that my wife really does not like making decisions and leaves this to me constantly on many issues which kind of follows the "take charge" your seem to indicating needs to happen. I can say I have no problem being authoratative, and this is what I did a few months ago when I decided to go back to staying two nights away with my brothers, rather than one (I had cut it back to one night since the kids were born and now they are 3 and 4 years old) and she blew a gasket and this is when she said I had to make a decision to be a father or not and I don't like these threats because as much as I like to take control, I surely do not want it to end up with her leaving with the kids ( no one wins here) but I kept insisting I was dedicated to my family and her, but then I get acusations of not respecting her and it just goes no where.

My wife always wanted to stay home with the kids until they were school bound and we have three children (twins are 4 and 3 year old) and so our family grew very quickly and living on one income today when we have a good lifestyle is very challenging. WE had started a part time business before the kids were born and fortunately, I was able to gear it up in order to work in some jobs and keep us financially afloat for the past 5 years and this comes at a cost of using up 3 of my 4 weeks holidays from my full time job, and some weekends and evenings during summer months, but I don't mind doing this for her is she wants to be with the kids. fortunately, I have a work at home full time job which allows me to work from home 2-3 days a week and this allows me to be with the family probably more often than most bread winners (spend breakfast/lunch/dinner together and take breaks during the day to play with kids and will work at night to make up time). This allows me to also look after the kids if she has to take off and run errans, go out if she wants. It really bothers me when she says I do nothing for her and do not respect her, when I give up may of my vacation days, weekends, etc so that she can stay home if she wants (if she wanted to go back to her job, that would be fine too) and I feel I am giving her a gift that requires alot of time and energy. I'm not saying here day does not involve time and energy- I know looking after kids is not easy ,but neigher is juggling two jobs and making sure you are extremely efficient to not waste time. I just feel like I am contributing to our family and make sacrifices too, but she does not see that way.

I have tried to get my wife to do things with others, but she just never takes the initiative. She has recently joined a volunteer group at the church and joined a book club and I am happy to see her doing this and I have no issues with looking after the kids.

I wish I could just say she gets upset becasue she has the kids to look after, but this went on long before the kids were born and have just learn to put up with it.

My wife and I do not often get out together alone and I hope to improve this, althugh I don't think this is the only solution either (we always went away together before the kids and we argued back then just as much and can remember all too many arguments that she would start while we were out for dinner alone about my "boys weekends" or my winter sport that I spend time at. We do not have many sitters that we can rely on so getting away overnight with her withut the kids has been unfeasible ( my mom is 84 with demensia kicking in and her mom just doesn't offer to look after the kids), however, we do get away regularly as a family (have a camper trailer and camp in the summer, go out for dinners weekly, take them with me when I go out of town for work most times).

We just started seeing a councellor to try and help us through this as we both recognize it is not going anywhere when we talk about it, and then she was hesitant about going when I actually initiated it and set up an appointment. Our councellor was of the opinion that any nights (even 1) away with others is too much and that she thought I was taking more time away for myself then anyone she knows and couldn't belive that I would get offers from other married men to go or do something that involved overnight stays- I was shocked by that opinion, since I have turned down multiple offers from co-workers /friends to go to his cottage (fishing for weekend or fishing trip) and I know others that take week long snowmobile trips without their wives, not to mention the thousands of men that go on hunting/fishing trips or golf trips..... My coucellor suggested getting feedback from others (such as this forum) to get a realistic answer of what is reasonable time away, so again, your thoughts are very much welcomed.

swedish

Interesting view your counselor has.

My brothers (both married) have had guy weekends...cabin...fishing...etc. & the wives have their girl weekends.

My H & I don't typically spend nights away w/o each other unless for work but we are able to get away together which we both prefer.

With my brothers, it's typically family, brothers, bil's and close friends so the wives are all friends as well. I think since the women have their weekends too, it's not an issue.

I'm not sure if she just does not want to parent alone on these weekends or if it's more that you have such few days off and she would rather have you plan family things on your time off...maybe a compromise would work in that case.

HappyHer

When I hear that she says that you don't do anything for her, it screams of wanting more romance. She doesn't just want you to work so she can stay home, she wants a lover and intimate partner. I'm sure she appreciates all the work you do, but loving a women is not about how hard you work to provide for your family, just the same as you would not feel sexually or romantically satisfied because she stays home and changes diapers.

As far as what is reasonable to go out on "guys" week-ends? I would say not more than twice a year and that would be pushing it.

Spending time with your wife really needs to come first. Your wife is going to be with you after your kids are raised and gone and she is the one that deserves the best of your time and attention. It may not be feasible to do overnights with her without the kids, but it can be feasible to have a date night at least a couple times a month. As you mentioned your wife is involved in a church, perhaps they could start a babysitting club where you take turns watching each others children for free, that way there is no money spent on babysitting, even if its to drop the kids off at their house and spend time alone together at home, this is SO important for a couple to do.

scarletblue

There are a lot of good points by other posters here. Here's my opinion.

Don't give up your trips. I don't see it as excessive at all. Like you said, you'll just end up resenting her if you give them up.

Let me just give you this woman's point of view. If my husband is away for a night or two, I miss him, I'm lonely. If he makes time to do these fun trips with others and doesn't make time to do fun things with me, I'm jealous and angry. It doesn't matter if it's rediculous or not, it's still how I feel.

The whole thing is about balance and trust. If she has trust issues(?), then you need to prove that you are trustworthy. You can't do that if you give everything up and don't give her the opportunity to see that you are indeed trustworthy.

The balance part is harder. Sometimes it can be diffacult to make time to do special things with your wife. There is the day to day stuff, kids, etc... Make time to do things together and she won't feel like she's coming second.

Jdack

Thanks for your honest feedback Scarlettblue / Happyher,

I will make a genuine effort to spend more quality time with her. I guess I just have doubts about this being the root cause here, but I will try.

It almost seems that things must be always fair/equal for her to be happy and not complain. Smaller issues that pop up and she makes comments about are that I get to have lunch in restaurants when I am on the road and she does not get this or when I stay out of town on business I get to sleep in a hotel and have meals served to me....that sort of thing and get sense that she is jealous of this, but my job does take me on the road and I do have to stay overnight occasionally (even though I often bring family with me and we all get this treat), but I try to explain there is going to be pros and cons to each of our important roles at this time (she is able to spend quality time with her kids and not worry about daycare or working and if she wanted she could arrange a sitter and go out for lunch if she wanted- I do not restrict her financially) and I don't feel a need to brown bag a lunch when I am on the road all day (I am fortunately earning a very good income between my job and part time business), so $10- $20 for lunch once or twice a week when on the road is not a financial burden and we live well (I could understand if I was treating myself to expensive lunches while restricting my wife and kids to KD for luch because we cannot afford healthy food- not the case here). When I travel for work, it costs me nothing as my employer picks this up, but still get jealous comments about it.
There are many days I would much rather be at home with my family than working and particularly working at my part time business on my vacation days to make all this happen, but I never throw this into her face that I do not get the same quality time with the kids as she does and this is just the way it is right now and I do not complain about it and I have explained to her that although I really do not enjoy the amount of time I work, I do not try and make her feel bad for things she gets to enjoy that I do not the way that she tries to make me feel for little things I get.
We have very different roles and responsibilities at this stage and when she does go back to work, then I will be able to work less and spend more time with her, our family.

I actually feel that she does not want me to be happy or enjoy myself in anyway. After 14 years of marriage you can easily pick up when your spouse is not "Ok". So I can't help but think she is unhappy overall with herself or something. Years ago I remember dropping into my friend's house (Male) for a quick visit as I was in the vicinity and when I told her, she was angry that I dropped in without her (we also did things as couples sometimes), but it was my long time freind, not her freind that I dropped in to see and she would just get angy very quickly if she was not involved in every part of my life.

So, I think your suggestions may help a little, but as others have suggested, band aid to a bigger problem, and that I hope we are able to sort out with a councellor, but I have read pros and cons of using councellors too and that they often make little difference in the long run?? Anyone else out there had success with councellors?
Thanks.

HappyHer

You're welcome! It all still boils down to she doesn't feel important to you. Some of that could be her own insecurity issues and some of it could be that you are gone a lot, or that you aren't spending the time with her that she needs, in a way that she needs it. My bet is it's a combination of those things.

Counseling is a great idea. Does it work? For my husband and I, we went to four different counselors before we found the one that clicked for us, and then it was as if miracles occurred. Shop around. As a couple's coach I find that the results are dependent on both people being committed to working through the issues, with the capability of looking at themselves and being willing to work on things they may need to work on as an individual.

MEM11363

Jdack,
I am 46 - married for 20 - 3 kids.

Two weekends a year is a very minimal amount of away time for yourself. The counselor must come from a very different background then all the folks that I know. None of my married friends - would have an issue with either the men or women doing this. My wife does a girls weekend with her sisters. And I actively support/encourage this. And when she has a choice for it to be 2 night vs 3 or 4 - I tell her to go for 4 nights. She rarely gets away so what is 4 nights in one year. And the same is of course true in reverse.

It is disheartening to hear that your wife is not off the charts grateful for you for sacrificing most of your vacation time to provide so well for her and your children. For a man who gives so much, you ask very little.

The jealousy thing is likely true but ugly. I am always happy for my wife and kids when good things happen. On occasion my wife has admitted jealousy of me in situations where it simply never would occur to me she would feel that way. It doesn't make me angry - just sad - I don't understand jealousy as an emotion very well.

As for the snowmobiling - would she come with you if you invited her? Is there a reason you would not invite her?

Still I don't blame you for this. Early in our marriage we did have some conflict about how I spent my time and I was not willing to give in on some situations like this. I basically told her that 98 percent of my time was focused on her and the kids either directly with them or indirectly by my long work hours and that if she reached for the last 2% I was going to rethink the first 98 percent.

If you can somehow get her to really "feel" your commitment level - and your love for her she may be able to view your trips in the more positive light they deserve.

Jdack

Thanks Mem11363,

Thanks for your reply. I am glad to hear I am not the only one who likes some time with others (and by that it doesn't mean i crave time away from my wife- I miss her when I am away). She did enjoy my winter sport with me alot before the kids and we still get out together as a family to enjoy it. My wife does not crave my sport or sports overall but I have tried to involve her and the family in my passion right from the start. I can see maybe when the kids get older she might get out more or want to. For now, I just do mostly day trips (trailer few hours away, ride then return same day) other then took two overnight stays last year and it didn't go over well.

I was a little suprised by my cousellors comments. Having said that, councellor is in their 70's and maybe just was brought up in different times from my generation where both parents generally work, have co-workers and get out more in general, say compared to my parents did.

I truely wish my wife would get away a few nights with freinds or sisters, she might learn to enjoy it. She had a chance to stay up at her sisters house a few hours away from here on night with her other sister and they were going to play cards/stay up and catch up but my wife would not stay and i tried to convince her to stay. I'm sure in the back of her mind she was afraid of setting a double standard maybe- ok for me but not for you- too bad.

I think this year is why I pushed back so much against her behavior, because of the amount of time I sacrificed for her/family. When we started our business, it was before the kids, so little pressure to produce sales with my wife working as well, but with her not working and 3 kids to provide for, the pressure is on to provide for your family. Before kids, I would use up maybe a week of holidays, but now I use up 3 weeks or 4 and many weekends in spring/summer. This is why it hurts to be treated like this when you try and give so much and they just want more and don't appreciate that I like to do things other than work. I think the fact that I don't complain about the situation, she feels I like it, but I have explained I do not like it- I liked the business/hobby when we had no kids and two incomes because it was just something to do with spare time, but with kids and one income- not so fun anymore- just a neccessity, otherwise she would have to go back to work or slowly go badly in debt.

I like your idea of finding a way to get her to feel my commitment level and will think about that.

Thks again

Mogget

What popped out of the posts for me was that she has admitted to being jealous of your eating out at restaurants, staying in hotels, and going away for recreationsal trips.

You also say you earn a good amount of money (from my humble perspective in life actually a ****load of money!) so my suggestion is to book a weekend in a hotel/spa for you an your wife, take her to nice restaurants and treat her to some nice spa treaments. Make sure you arrange for someone to look after the kids etc so she doesn't have to do anything to make this event happen or work.

Do that once or twice a year. NOT associated with an anniversary or birthday.

And between times take her out to a restaurant for lunch/dinner sometimes. Don't ask her if she wants to, just choose a time that is not insanely busy, arrange for someone else to take the kids, tell her to put on something pretty and do it.

I tend to agree with the way BBW handles relationships (I knowit would work for me!!), and to me this is a way of both taking charge AND giving her what she has been asking for, which is to be treated as though she is a bit special with occasional luxurous treats.

On the subject of your overnighters. Tell you that you ARE taking them, and because you are a faithful and loving husband you deserve for her to be respectful of your time to unwind with the boys. Meantime make her feel special and cared for too.

MEM11363

These are great ideas.