Husband on Dating Sites
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree9Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 07-10-2013, 06:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
Default Husband on Dating Sites

I am new to this site so bear with me, my problem is I am 65 and my husband is 68 and I have discovered that he has joined several online dating sites. When I tried to speak to him about this he denied it (he uses false names and photos). He seems to be totally obsessed with speaking to women online as he sometimes stays up all night. Now our sex life used to be okay nothing fantastic as he just wasn't the best lover. He seemed to become impotent about 15 years ago well at least with me so our sex life is non existent (not my choice). I really miss the closeness and get extremely hurt when I read what he writes to all these other women. Mind you I have to laugh as what he says he will do with them would be impossible for him to carry out he obviously has a very active imagination.

He is also suffering from lung cancer and I have tried to point out to him that it is me who will have to look after him if and when he becomes seriously ill, I don't think his internet buddies will be much use then.

In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this but when I have tried to leave him in the past he has threatened me with all kinds of violence. I no longer love him and I certainly don't like him. I hope someone who has been through a similar experience can give me some advice.
mrsjayc is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-10-2013, 08:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,270
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsjayc View Post

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this but when I have tried to leave him in the past he has threatened me with all kinds of violence. I no longer love him and I certainly don't like him. I hope someone who has been through a similar experience can give me some advice.
Then you need to be sneaky and formulate a plan.

My Ex was also on dating sites, followed it up with phone calls then meeting them, etc. In short, he cheated with multiple women. He also had anger management issues and, just like you, I was afraid (at first) to act upon what I knew. He never threatened violence, but his yelling, and physical damage to property (walls, etc) caused ne to be concerned about my safety.

First thing is financial. You need to be able to financially support yourself. A separate bank account. Set it up and start putting money away so you can leave. Take note of what you have jointly - half of that is yours. Be prepared to take it but DO NOT let him know your intention. Maintain the element of surprise. Lie. Make up a story, but do not reveal what you are planning.

Next up, find a place to live that you can afford. Once a place has been set up, notify trusted friends and family members to help you move out. THEN (and only THEN) you tell your H that this move is temporary and only so that you can have time alone to reflect on the marriage (a lie). Say you will date him (a lie). Anything at all to keep his temper in check. If all else fails, you can notify your local police of your intentions and they will protect you.

And of course, consult with a lawyer. You are entitled to half of the marital property, even if you leave the marital home. It's called "constructive abandonment" which means you left for good reason.

Hope that helps.
survivorwife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-10-2013, 10:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Emerald's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,912
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsjayc View Post
I am new to this site so bear with me, my problem is I am 65 and my husband is 68 and I have discovered that he has joined several online dating sites. When I tried to speak to him about this he denied it (he uses false names and photos). He seems to be totally obsessed with speaking to women online as he sometimes stays up all night. Now our sex life used to be okay nothing fantastic as he just wasn't the best lover. He seemed to become impotent about 15 years ago well at least with me so our sex life is non existent (not my choice). I really miss the closeness and get extremely hurt when I read what he writes to all these other women. Mind you I have to laugh as what he says he will do with them would be impossible for him to carry out he obviously has a very active imagination.

He is also suffering from lung cancer and I have tried to point out to him that it is me who will have to look after him if and when he becomes seriously ill, I don't think his internet buddies will be much use then.

In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this but when I have tried to leave him in the past he has threatened me with all kinds of violence. I no longer love him and I certainly don't like him. I hope someone who has been through a similar experience can give me some advice.
Yikes! Your husband sounds like a very sick man - physically & mentally.

Do you have adult children and/or siblings that can help you plan an exit plan?
Emerald is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-12-2013, 11:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Unique Username's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 13,366
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMillion View Post
i am a husband that does online dating as well. So, i can understand that he is a *********. You should leave him as soon as possible.
So Mr. Million are you here to try to pick up chicks or to be a Troll?
Unique Username is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-12-2013, 11:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 122
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Picking up chicks on this site is like fishing in the desert.
jay_gatsby is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-12-2013, 11:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
mablenc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Danvers State Insane Asylum
Posts: 9,981
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Could his medications be affecting his behavior? This is not unheard of.
mablenc is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 07:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 48
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unique Username View Post
So Mr. Million are you here to try to pick up chicks or to be a Troll?
Pickie .... lol
r0r0bin is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 07:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 48
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Do you feel it is worthy to spend years with this man, the right move is to leave him i think.
r0r0bin is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 10:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Western US
Posts: 101
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Seriously, grab your husband, take him to his doctors and explain what is going on. Certain medications have been known to cause compulsive behavior. For example, Mirapex has been known to cause compulsive eating, sex, and gambling. Other drugs have been known to cause cognitive problems in a small percentage of patients, e.g., Lyrica. For me this is a been there, seen that issue.

So grab him and take him to your doctors. Also get him to a psychiatrist. His lung cancer diagnosis, could be causing all sorts of mental issues.

WWHT
whowouldhavethought is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 11:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Unique Username's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 13,366
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

OR, he could just be a rat.

You said this behavior has been going on for years
"In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him. "

This is simply a new playground for him. He isn't changing, why should he? (in his eyes)


Remember that whether you divorce or not, when he dies you have the option of choosing HIS Social Security retirement or your own..whichever is more. The older you are before taking it the more you get of course. Your local SSA would be able to answer those questions...and you should be getting a letter every year from SSA indicating if you retire at different ages, and or become disabled etc what those monthly payments are projected to be.
One has to to have been married 10 or more years for this to be true. Dependent upon income, you may be entitled to SSI which is supplemental social security given to qualifying low income elders in addition to their Social Security.

Your local Area Agency on Aging is a division of the US Dept of Health and Human Services specifically designed to help US Citizens over 60. An agent from this office can explain all the options available to you and the husband. Homemaker services, Caregiver Support services, Meals on Wheels, Congregate Meals (like senior meals at the senior center) transportation services, Case Management Services (where they help set up in-home care, help you get food stamps, and other things) etc.
As his illness progresses these resources might become helpful to either or both of you.

The Eldercare locator number is 1-800-677-1116, hours of ops are: 9am-8pm Eastern call this number and they will give you the contact information for the AAA for your region.
Unique Username is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 11:37 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Unique Username's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 13,366
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

AOA 2013 ELDERCARE LOCATOR NUMBER

The Eldercare Locator is a national toll-free directory assistance public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging that helps people locate aging services in every community throughout the United States.
TOLL FREE NUMBER: 1-800-677-1116
Normal Operations: Monday through Friday 9:00AM to 8:00PM (EST).
For calls after normal hours of operation, you can leave a name and a telephone number and calls will be returned the next business day.

For TDD/TTY Service:
Access your local relay service or dial 711 for your relay operator. Instruct the Relay Operator to connect you to the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116.

On the web, the address is:
Eldercare Locator

Information in Spanish and other Languages: A Spanish-speaking information specialist is available when you call the Eldercare Locator from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, Monday Friday. Language interpretation service for 150 languages is also available during these business hours.

Online Chat: Have an online text chat with an information specialist from the Eldercare Locator from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, Monday Friday. .

E-mail: E-mail the Eldercare Locator at eldercarelocator@n4a.org
Unique Username is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 11:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 356
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsjayc View Post
In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him.
Explain why you married him if this is the case.
zookeeper is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 12:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Unique Username's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 13,366
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
Explain why you married him if this is the case.

Really? lol um they are in their 60s darlin, she probably didn't know he was like that until after married.....and people of this generation didn't feel (and often didn't) they had many options when it came to divorce. 33 years ago would have been 1979.
The world was a very different place then. Also, there are many more options available to urban dwellers as opposed to remote rural areas (no public transportation, no social services - often just a church, a grocery store, a jail and a post office(usually IN the one grocery market) Once you were married back then, it wasn't commonplace to divorce AND even moreso in a rural community as opposed to the urban.
Now granted these instances may not be accurate for MrsJay, it was the common feeling in the late 70s that divorce was taboo and LOTS of social stigma surrounded divorce.

I think she was referring to after they married these things reared their ugly heads.

Perhaps now she feels like the world is a different place, and her parents are probably gone so their disdain/scorn/ judgement\disappointment is no longer an issue.....and she doesn't have to live with a "dirty old man" anymore ??

Could be just venting, and she has no real desire to leave him.

I hope the resources I left for her are helpful regardless of what happens.

They have caregiver support services that can give you respite - a break so you can continue being a caregiver, they also have accessibility things that can be done in the home/bathroom should the need arise. If private insurance or medicare doesn't pay for it then they have grants and funding to help with accessibility. If he is a veteran there are also programs implemented to do the same thing..contact the Veterans Administration.
Unique Username is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 12:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 356
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsjayc View Post
In the 33 years together I have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever as he has always liked cruising round red light districts and watching porn. The internet has opened up a whole new sordid world for him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unique Username View Post
Really? lol um they are in their 60s darlin, she probably didn't know he was like that until after married.....and people of this generation didn't feel (and often didn't) they had many options when it came to divorce. 33 years ago would have been 1979.
Re-read her statement. She says 33 years together, not 33 years married. Unless this was an arranged marraige where she didn't meet him until the ceremony, I'm taking her statement at face value. She hasn't said he was once a wonderful man and changed over time. In fact, she clearly states the oppostite. She may offer clarification if she likes.

I maintain my puzzlement that she married a man who she states she "have always known that he lacked any morals whatsoever..."
zookeeper is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-13-2013, 12:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Western US
Posts: 101
Default Re: Husband on Dating Sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unique Username View Post
Really? lol um they are in their 60s darlin, she probably didn't know he was like that until after married.....and people of this generation didn't feel (and often didn't) they had many options when it came to divorce. 33 years ago would have been 1979.
I know those of us who got married in 1979 are primitives. Heck there weren't even portable computers then (ops, I forgot the Kaypro at 33 pounds).

But seriously over half of our contemporaries(spouse is 68 and I am 60) who married back then have gotten divorced. So don't blame the time or the age as to why she stuck with him since then.

I would still eliminate the medical issues first.

WWHT
whowouldhavethought is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
my husband has profiles on dating sites frustratedmom General Relationship Discussion 20 05-23-2013 08:03 PM
Husband on sex dating sites concerned_7510 Sex in Marriage 18 03-20-2013 10:34 AM
Husband and dating sites willowtree General Relationship Discussion 13 11-14-2011 12:38 AM
husband on asian dating sites 3jobsin1 Coping with Infidelity 4 09-10-2011 12:37 PM
husband and online dating sites Shot General Relationship Discussion 5 02-27-2010 12:06 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:11 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.