General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Well, after another just wonderful counseling session today, I have decided to just let go. My STBXW wanted to continue with counseling, to get past the issues that we have had, and to learn to co parent the kids. Well, there has to be two willing participants in counseling, and I seem to be the only one. For whatever reason, she is just not opening up, and discussing her contributions to the marriage, and she feels that I am solely counseling to reconcile, which she says is out of the question. So I said, "screw it." To get past the issues, we need to revisit the past, the counselor said, but I am the only one owning up to the things I did to contribute to the demise. She has not done the same, and all she wants to do is say "Its over." Why should I bother? I brought up things that I have been reading recently, to throw in some insight to eachothers personalities, but I was shot down. i talked about the Five Love Languages, and how we never knew what each others was, and we should find out, because it can only enhance the friendship that she claims to want. I also brought up Fertels program, where the two parties put aside the past issues and choose to try and re connect. Nope, no deal. She's adamant. I guess the question I have for all of you is, is all lost, or is this just part of the process? i ask for your own personal experience. I am going to let go, like Dobson says to in "Love Must be Tough." Im not going to be nasty, rude, but I am going to detatch. I still love her, and will continue to do so, but a man can only take so much. Any insight or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!
You are doing the best you can. You have read the books and have tried to work on yourself. Sometimes the partner is too selfish to even want to work on anything but their own happiness. Maybe she will come around later. She doesnt realize how hard it is to find someone that will put this kind of effort into it. Its her loss. Its a big one. Just remember you fought the good fight. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree with noideato20. I'm in a similar boat, feeling angry today because of all the effort I put in, despite awful behavior by the ex.
But it takes two for a marriage to work, as trite as that is, and if she doesn't want it, there isn't anything you can do. I've come to be cautious with the Fertel stuff, Divorce Busters, name a book/program, because they naturally spin things to engender hope. I've read the books, and they'll serve me in the next marriage, but not the current one. I suspect you'll be the same.
It's a crap deal. All we have is letting go and detaching. The best advice I got was: Hope keeps all suffering in place. Giving up hope releases suffering.
PS: Sorry, I kinda hijacked this. I'm feeling it too. Hang in there.
I'm confused as to why you think marriage advice (Languages of Love, etc.) would be helpful or necessary to remain civil and to co-parent effectively when no longer married. I would think you are still trying to reconcile, too.
More basic and business-like communication skills would be a better focus, IMO. Learning how to take emotion out of the equation, learning to keep the focus on the kids and their needs, learning how to let go of what you cannot control (for example, what your spouse allows kids to do on her days, as long as it isn't endangerment or neglectful in the eyes of the law), and most important of all, learning NEVER to "split" the kids by saying things or indicating your anger at, blame of, or frustration with their mother. To me, that would be a valuable set of skills to learn if divorce is inevitable. Figuring out "what went wrong" doesn't seem all that helpful in joint counseling, although individually each of you should be working on that (with or without a counselor), because otherwise you'll just repeat the same mistakes.
Yeah, I guess it looks like my primary focus is to reconcile. I guess the confusion comes from her desire to go to counseling together. I have a tendency to read into things, and sometimes Im accurate, sometimes Im not. I FEEL deep down that she is still attached to me, although she doesnt say so. (See my earlier posts) The books that I have read are for us to UNDERSTAND each other, where we went wrong, and what we can do to repair the relationship (but not the marriage.) She told me hat she wants to work through the issues that got us to this point, because she wants us to be best friends and confidants. So, I didnt think it was too much of a stretch to try and learn what makes eachother tick, to improve our relationship. And, admittedly, after the negative feelings wear off a bit, maybe she will loosen her stance a bit. Maybe Im wrong, and if so I will admit it, but I still think theres hope. But, I do know that I have to let go, work on myself, and let the chips fall where they may.
squirsh, I understand what you are saying. I also tend to "feel" things and then I read into them, and usually apply some hope to these feelings.
Something my therapist told me, which I found helpful was to look at what the other person is SAYING and DOING, look at their actions and try to separate your feelings from this. You might have good intuition, however, what you are feeling and what they are doing might be going in opposite directions, which will only cause you to hurt more.
Focus on yourself and being healthy for you, put your energy into yourself.
I think it is a mistake to agree to this. Basically she wants the emotional benefits of a marriage without the responsibility and obligation.
Why not say, I'd like to make this work, I'm open to doing whatever I can. But if we divorce, I plan to move on, and we'll be coparents, that's it.
Was another person involved somehow?
She had what I would call an EA, which may have been physical. I think it has cooled off a bit, but I believe they still are in contact from time to time.
Letting go... 
Re: Letting go... 
