What to do when husband doesn't want to do anything to improve marriage

desperate for help · 12-09-2009, 06:22 PM

Been Married 21 years. My Husband and I have never really had a very passionate marriage but I need more than what we have. I have asked him to go to counciling try dating each other everything i can think of and he doesn't want to do any thing to improve our marriage. I am at the point where leaving seems the only answer but I hate giving up.
Help!!!

AlexNY · 12-10-2009, 12:51 PM

What do you feel when your husband talks to you?
What do you feel when your husband touches you?
Are there young children in the family?
Is there someone else in your life, or on your mind?

DawnD · 12-10-2009, 01:16 PM

If you really want to improve things, try taking the first step in it all. Plan something romantic at home ( so you will have easy bed access lol) and cook a nice dinner with drinks and rent a sexy movie for the two of you two watch. Maybe even get some chocolate and strawberries for him to "find" in the bedroom. I am sure you can use your imagination in the next parts.

Then ask him if he had a good time and tell him maybe he should plan the next thing!! Sometimes getting someone to do nice things for you has to start with you doing nice things for them! If you have already tried this kinda thing, I am fresh outta ideas . Best of luck!

Sven · 12-10-2009, 02:22 PM

If he won't go to counseling, then you should go yourself. Tell him when your going and that you'd like him to be there. If he doesn't go, then do it anyway.

desperate for help · 12-12-2009, 08:47 PM

He doesn't touch me unless I demand it.
He doesn't talk to me unless he needs me to fix some problem.
We have 2 sons but they are 18 and 20 and they live at home.
No there is no one else in my life or on my mind but I am considring looking for someone.

Sven · 12-12-2009, 08:54 PM

Have you looked for a therapist?

desperate for help · 12-13-2009, 07:27 AM

been there done that went to a therapist on my own but doesn't help much when he refuses to change anything. My husband is quite happy letting me handle all the problems and make his life comfortable but refuses to give me what I need.

Loving Husband · 12-13-2009, 08:06 AM

Well if you are the one that wants more then i think you need to take the first steps. See how he reacts. Start planing trips together. Movies.. Dinner.. Weekends away. See how he reacts. If after trying he has no response then consider next step.

Tell me why he is stuck in this funk?? Does he have a low sex drive?? Is he depressed?? Hows his job?? How are you guys financially? All of these things can play a factor. Since your kids are grown they really are not stopping you.. See what the root is..

Deejo · 12-13-2009, 09:00 AM

I advocate all of the feedback you have gotten. Instead of waiting for him to get on board with what you want, simply start practicing it.

Take him on a date instead of waiting for him to ask you (when you know he won't).

So now, for my practical side, based on my own experience. If you do take those risks, basically taking the role of initiating or being the changes that you want to see in your relationship, and he refuses to embrace improving the marriage, or belittles your efforts - then he's an a$$.

Go with what I call the nuclear option. Pack a bag and disappear for a few days. He is complacent. You need to do something to shake that up. If love and compassion won't do it, then absence is more than likely to get his attention. It throws off the balance of power - which is quite often needed. He will either acknowledge that his marriage needs serious attention, or, that his marriage is over.

This also means that you must to acknowledge the same.

kindness · 12-19-2009, 12:27 AM

I really don't know, but I can say that I understand how you feel. My H is soooo comfortable, isn't naturally a creative person, and feels that everything is just dandy. I've told him straight up how I feel, he says he will try, and then nothing happens because essentially it goes against who he really is. and who he really is, is a man of routine.

Keep smiling, there are worse things.

K

Sensitive · 12-19-2009, 02:16 AM

I like the idea of doing nothing more for the marriage and just packing your bags and going on a trip by yourself. Hopefully, your husband will realize how much he loves you and wants to keep you happy in the marriage. My husband hates to go to counseling with me and hasn't changed much, but I haven't lost hope yet.