Confused about him
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  • 1 Post By Wonder2Woman
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Confused about him

My best friend and I were interested in each other.

Right when I thought things might work out, he just got another girlfriend. Have I ruined the possibility of being in each other's lives? Is walking away the only option left?

Last edited by confused here; 11-18-2013 at 01:05 AM.
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused about him

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel about him? Maybe you guys should have a candid conversation about how you really feel about him and how he really feels about you.

If he doesn't feel the same way and sees you as nothing more than a friend, I think you should try to distance yourself from him (at least for a while) and focus on yourself and your own life.

Are you getting anything out of the relationship/friendship you have with him? Or do you remain friends because you keep hoping that he will make you his girlfriend?

If he doesn't feel the same way for you, you should give him some space and make no contact. He will either realize what he has lost and try to get back together or, if not, you will realize that chances are it will never happen between the two of you. No point in wasting your time waiting.
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused about him

I forgot to mention that I have been in similar situations twice over the past 10 years.

I was close friends with the first guy and we clicked. We were both single at the time. We would talk every day, go out to dinner, go to the movies, etc. Whenever friends would invite him for a barbecue, he would call me and I would be his date. I kept hoping at the time that he would make me his girlfriend. Then one day I learned through a mutual friend that he was dating someone else. I was devastated. I gave him space and after he broke up with her he would call me to hang out again. At the time I had been offered a job in another State and decided to accept the offer. I left him and everything else behind. We didn't speak for years until he contacted me again. He opened up to me, told me how he really felt back then and also said he had married someone else. I never told him back then how I felt. I'm not sure if the outcome would have been different if I had. Oh then he tried really hard to make me go out with him while he was married to his wife (behind his wife's back). I shut him down and never looked back. That's the story.
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Old 07-13-2013, 10:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused about him

You are Plan B. You deserve to be someone's Plan A. Make it happen.
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Old 07-13-2013, 10:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Openminded, thank you for your simple yet honest reply
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Old 07-13-2013, 11:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused about him

You are very welcome, confused_here!

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. I know it's not easy. I can see that you guys really like each other and care for each other. You have a special friendship. But I have a feeling that you like him romantically way more than he likes you. The feelings are not balanced.

I can see you staying in touch with him as long as you understand that you will continue to be his second choice. I wouldn't count on him changing. That will probably continue to cause frustration on you and will impact your ability to meet another guy who wants to have a real relationship with you and make you feel extra special.

You deserve to be loved and be someone's first choice. Your friend does not appear to want to be the guy who will make you feel like that.

Quick question - have you dated other people while he was single? Does it bother him if you have boyfriends?

Talk to you soon! Take care.
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Old 07-14-2013, 06:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You are very welcome, confused_here!

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. I know it's not easy. I can see that you guys really like each other and care for each other. You have a special friendship. But I have a feeling that you like him romantically way more than he likes you. The feelings are not balanced.

I can see you staying in touch with him as long as you understand that you will continue to be his second choice. I wouldn't count on him changing. That will probably continue to cause frustration on you and will impact your ability to meet another guy who wants to have a real relationship with you and make you feel extra special.

You deserve to be loved and be someone's first choice. Your friend does not appear to want to be the guy who will make you feel like that.

Quick question - have you dated other people while he was single? Does it bother him if you have boyfriends?

Talk to you soon! Take care.
I agree with you. It's not balanced. Though, it used to be the other way around, romantically, it's more from my side now. And, you are right. It has already impacted my meeting another guy. I haven't dated anyone while he was single. I guess I wasn't in the right mindset to. But, I have tried dating (on and off) while he was dating.

Also, the last line of your message made me smile. Felt nice that someone is following up on my situation. Thanks for that

Thanks again for replying

Take care.

Last edited by confused here; 08-02-2013 at 07:53 AM.
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Old 07-14-2013, 06:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused about him

My husband tells me that before he met me, he was always on the lookout for that special woman. He was never fully invested in the women he was living with or dating. One girl did everything for him all the time, lived with him for about 5 months and was a very nice person, told him she loved him...but when he met me, he dropped her immediately to be with me (unbeknownst to me that he was even with anyone). And we've been married for 8 years now. He's been a bad apple and can't control his urges, but he claims no one can match up to me when it comes down to it.

Some guys are just like this, and you will never be satisfied with them. You will know when a man REALLY wants to be with you. It shows, and it's obvious..you will feel very comfortable and natural about it. You shouldn't have to feel any questions in the back of your mind, or feel like you are being used. As I always say...trust your gut.
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Old 07-14-2013, 07:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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My husband tells me that before he met me, he was always on the lookout for that special woman. He was never fully invested in the women he was living with or dating. One girl did everything for him all the time, lived with him for about 5 months and was a very nice person, told him she loved him...but when he met me, he dropped her immediately to be with me (unbeknownst to me that he was even with anyone). And we've been married for 8 years now. He's been a bad apple and can't control his urges, but he claims no one can match up to me when it comes down to it.

Some guys are just like this, and you will never be satisfied with them. You will know when a man REALLY wants to be with you. It shows, and it's obvious..you will feel very comfortable and natural about it. You shouldn't have to feel any questions in the back of your mind, or feel like you are being used. As I always say...trust your gut.
Thank you for your advice and sharing your husband's perspective. The insight helps. Just out of curiousity, considering your husband's past, any advice on what it takes to maintain a person's interest when they've had that type of past? I can't tell if being attached to my best friend is the main factor, but at times I lose hope in being able to maintain a relationship since, in the beginning, everyone seems to be on their best behavior during the courting stage. It's after that, that maintaining interest can be scary (especially since people start to resort to past behaviors once they feel comfortable with a person). Would greatly appreciate any advice.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply
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Old 07-14-2013, 08:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by confused here View Post
Thank you for your advice and sharing your husband's perspective. The insight helps. Just out of curiousity, considering your husband's past, any advice on what it takes to maintain a person's interest when they've had that type of past? I can't tell if being attached to my best friend is the main factor, but at times I lose hope in being able to maintain a relationship since, in the beginning, everyone seems to be on their best behavior during the courting stage. It's after that, that maintaining interest can be scary (especially since people start to resort to past behaviors once they feel comfortable with a person). Would greatly appreciate any advice.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply
I think what has kept my husband's interest over the years is our overall sexual chemistry and life interests. He said that the night he met me, it was our common interests that he really got him hooked. It was the way I talked to him. We didn't actually sleep together until we had gotten to know each other better. I was just being myself and not trying to be anything different. But because we had the same goals in life, he was very interested. And as the relationship went on, we've grown intimately even through our rough patches.

I think he was also attracted to my feistiness. We fought a lot because of it sometimes. But he knew I didn't necessarily give in to everything he talked about like every other woman he had been with. He never likes to admit he liked it...(I say liked, because as I've aged, I've become less stubborn and more accepting). But I know that's partially why he was so enthused to be with me. I give him grief sometimes still, but nothing in comparison. And he loves my mellow attitude now too.... maybe even more than my feistiness.

My advice is...when you meet a guy you really like, don't try too hard to please him. Don't say things that you think he will like, say things you want to say about yourself, and your interests. Also, don't sleep with him on the first, second, third date, fourth date. Only when you both have revealed your feelings for one another should you give that part of yourself. Let him grow some respect for you first. If he is interested in you, like I said before, he will show those feelings genuinely and talk to you about it. He will be all over you. You will feel loved and he will want to be with you all the time. Not just two days a week or one night here and there. He also will not break up with you to be with another woman. That shows that he is not truly invested. He's just got you there for booty, or simple conversation. Friends with benefits.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, when the right guy comes along, who is truly interested in you, and wants to be with you forever lets say...it comes naturally, and kind of maintains itself without having to try, especially when you first meet and in the honeymoon stages. Usually when two people come to love each other, it's something that's not forced. It just happens.

To maintain that love, is a bit trickier. Because you have to give and take even when you don't want to sometimes. You have to try in a relationship even in the rough patches. You have to want to work things out. It's not always going to be easy, or smell of roses. You also have to put aside everyone else's opinions sometimes, and really listen to what your partner is telling you. However, there are grey areas to that. But I won't get into it.

All in all, the honeymoon stage is easy, because you both are mostly fixated on the excitement of this new relationship. Once the dust settles and you are left with this Real person, who has wants and needs not the same as your own...you have to either accept that and compromise, or keep trying to find perfection. I personally do not think there is any perfect relationship, nor is there a perfect person out there. We have to learn to love a person even with their faults.
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Old 07-14-2013, 10:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Then one day I learned through a mutual friend that he was dating someone else. I was devastated.

Last edited by ionaetp; 07-14-2013 at 10:20 PM.
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Old 07-14-2013, 10:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I think what has kept my husband's interest over the years is our overall sexual chemistry and life interests. He said that the night he met me, it was our common interests that he really got him hooked. It was the way I talked to him. We didn't actually sleep together until we had gotten to know each other better. I was just being myself and not trying to be anything different. But because we had the same goals in life, he was very interested. And as the relationship went on, we've grown intimately even through our rough patches.

I think he was also attracted to my feistiness. We fought a lot because of it sometimes. But he knew I didn't necessarily give in to everything he talked about like every other woman he had been with. He never likes to admit he liked it...(I say liked, because as I've aged, I've become less stubborn and more accepting). But I know that's partially why he was so enthused to be with me. I give him grief sometimes still, but nothing in comparison. And he loves my mellow attitude now too.... maybe even more than my feistiness.

My advice is...when you meet a guy you really like, don't try too hard to please him. Don't say things that you think he will like, say things you want to say about yourself, and your interests. Also, don't sleep with him on the first, second, third date, fourth date. Only when you both have revealed your feelings for one another should you give that part of yourself. Let him grow some respect for you first. If he is interested in you, like I said before, he will show those feelings genuinely and talk to you about it. He will be all over you. You will feel loved and he will want to be with you all the time. Not just two days a week or one night here and there. He also will not break up with you to be with another woman. That shows that he is not truly invested. He's just got you there for booty, or simple conversation. Friends with benefits.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, when the right guy comes along, who is truly interested in you, and wants to be with you forever lets say...it comes naturally, and kind of maintains itself without having to try, especially when you first meet and in the honeymoon stages. Usually when two people come to love each other, it's something that's not forced. It just happens.

To maintain that love, is a bit trickier. Because you have to give and take even when you don't want to sometimes. You have to try in a relationship even in the rough patches. You have to want to work things out. It's not always going to be easy, or smell of roses. You also have to put aside everyone else's opinions sometimes, and really listen to what your partner is telling you. However, there are grey areas to that. But I won't get into it.

All in all, the honeymoon stage is easy, because you both are mostly fixated on the excitement of this new relationship. Once the dust settles and you are left with this Real person, who has wants and needs not the same as your own...you have to either accept that and compromise, or keep trying to find perfection. I personally do not think there is any perfect relationship, nor is there a perfect person out there. We have to learn to love a person even with their faults.
I am really grateful for such a detailed reply! You addressed my concerns in more depth than I could have imagined. Very thorough and very appreciated. Your husband is lucky to have you as such an understanding wife! Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me
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Old 07-14-2013, 11:08 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I am really grateful for such a detailed reply! You addressed my concerns in more depth than I could have imagined. Very thorough and very appreciated. Your husband is lucky to have you as such an understanding wife! Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me
I'm happy to help.
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