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Old 12-15-2009, 05:13 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't care when I cry.

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Geez, if a man thought it was his job to "toughen me up," he'd be in for a huge surprise. And it wouldn't be one he'd been hoping for, I'm sure.
I didn't mean it like they think it's their job. It's just the only way they know how to react when it comes to crying and desperation i guess.
Quote:
OP, I noticed you said he is verbally abusive to the point where he "makes me cry." First, remember that NO ONE can make you do anything (unless they point a gun to your head). It seems to me that the whole "he won't sympathize with me when I'm crying" issue is secondary--why should he sympathize when he knows he has been trying to get you to cry (by being verbally abusive)?
This was my point. You said it much better than me. Thank you

Quote:
I'm talking about being connected on a deeper level as a couple, being interdependent, having concern for the "us" rather then two independent individual going around disconnected from one another perhaps emotionally, physically, spiritually.
That interdependence and connection are great, in my opinion, when both partners deep down feel like they have respect for their SO and that their SO is strong enough to care for themselves. Sure, one or two times of weekness is normal. But when your spouse is constantly feeling vulnerable, that person suddenly becomes someone you are basically forced to take care of. Know what i mean? When that happens the whole interdependence thing jumps from being pleasant as in 'we're taking care of eachother' to one sided 'i constantly have to take care of you'.

This usually translates to a lot of anger. The result is simple, every time that immature behaviour screaming 'take care of me' arises, the response is anger...as in 'no, i don't want this responsability of making you feel better yet again'. Except for people that love to take care of other people, ofc. Again this is just my opinion and i'm having a hard time explaining exactly what i mean. I also know that for thinking types it's even more annoying to deal with someone who is highly emotional. Thinking types also tend to chose a low emotional person as a lifemate...and they are exasperated if that person suddenly becomes mushy and sensitive. Does this make sense? Yes, just like anything else in life, balance is the answer...as in not to be completely alone, by yourself and never ask for or accept help, but don't fall into the needy clingy side.

Yes, i know what it's like to be the helper. That's exactly what i was trying to state higher. Maybe her husband is so used and exhasperated by her being emotional that he said no to still trying to help her. Maybe he even has issues of his own and didn't get support because she was busy dealing with her own emotions. There's no way to tell for sure, there are always two sides of the story and almost always both spouses to blame for the situation they are in. I was simply suggesting all that because usually when one spouse changes behaviour the other does too. Usually going back to what one used to be as attitude will make the other person remember why they fell in love and re-asses their behaviour.
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Old 12-15-2009, 12:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Nekko,
I appreciate your expanding your ideas. I'm enjoying the topic. Its making me reflect on a situation I was in not long ago where I was 'needy' although doing the best I could to take care of myself while my husband had to do what he had to do (work) plus take on additional responsibilities I could no longer perform AND help me. Esencially we had to take on new roles and responsibilities to each other. Quite often folks whom become significantly ill/chronically ill are/ become allienated from others and one another through no fault of thier own. My husband DID have to jump to constantly taking care of me! Even under the best of circumstances (two mature strong individuals) a situation like this can be difficult and spell trouble. This IS the "for better or worse, thru sickness and health" part not all are truely prepared for even if you 'think' or 'feel' you are. Just my thoughts as the human condition IS frail. Maybe I'm hoping to get across just how important it is to have developed a strong mature relationship hopefully before something like this comes along in order to be better prepared for illness,aging, etc. It is like you are saying about balance and in the case of the possibility you might have to constantly take care of your SO, one has to factor in how to continue to care for oneself along the way. Your right, neither emotional outbursts and the SO's use of abusive behaviour surrounding emotional outbursts are paths to getting help when its really truely needed. Also even if a couple doesn't struggle with these particular behavioral difficulties... I'd say any and all chinks in the 'us' armour will indeed become more pronounced under tragic circumstances. I'm assuming there are no perfect marriages out there, so we're all likely vulnerable to added stress under difficult circumstances. (illness, husband going off to war, etc.) And maybe here I'm trying to expand the notion of what we perceive as 'weakness' for I feel I've had to display a great deal of courage and strength to be where I've landed today.

Last edited by Terra; 12-15-2009 at 01:30 PM.
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Old 12-16-2009, 10:06 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I appreciate your expanding your ideas. I'm enjoying the topic. Its making me reflect on a situation I was in not long ago where I was 'needy' although doing the best I could to take care of myself while my husband had to do what he had to do (work) plus take on additional responsibilities I could no longer perform AND help me. Esencially we had to take on new roles and responsibilities to each other.
Yes, these situations arise and what you describe is normal...You have to be there for your spouse. But let me show you a different perspective. There's your husband who saw you needed help and were going through a rough period and obviously supported you all he could. Then there's the OP's husband, who might be thinking 'i'm taking care of her and our family, have a ton of work and responsibility, i come home and am pretty annoyed because of my hard day and i meet my wife who bursts into tears, seems unsatisfied and complains about me not being nice enough'. I'm not saying this is necesarily the case, but in such a scenario could you understand how it would be normal for a man to react in that way and how the woman shouldn't really expect for him to take care of making her feel better aside from other things he has to do?

Quote:
Quite often folks whom become significantly ill/chronically ill are/ become allienated from others and one another through no fault of thier own. My husband DID have to jump to constantly taking care of me! Even under the best of circumstances (two mature strong individuals) a situation like this can be difficult and spell trouble. This IS the "for better or worse, thru sickness and health" part not all are truely prepared for even if you 'think' or 'feel' you are. Just my thoughts as the human condition IS frail.
Again, I agree with you. If we're talking about something our spouses find serious. Such as illness, too much work, financial problems, babies dieing, inability to concieve, big family troubles etc. This doesn't apply so well for the 'you're a bully and treating me bad and i go cry and yell at you for being mean' scenario. In that situation, if you wish, because of the reaction of his wife, the husband may think that she's actually against him. Just a thought.
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Maybe I'm hoping to get across just how important it is to have developed a strong mature relationship hopefully before something like this comes along in order to be better prepared for illness,aging, etc. It is like you are saying about balance and in the case of the possibility you might have to constantly take care of your SO, one has to factor in how to continue to care for oneself along the way. Your right, neither emotional outbursts and the SO's use of abusive behaviour surrounding emotional outbursts are paths to getting help when its really truely needed.
Yes, I agree with you again. You need to know the 'us' is strong too. You need to know your spouse will be there and comitted to you even when you're old, your jokes aren't funny anymore and you take two hours to get to the front door. There was this joke about this old pair sitting on the porch and the wife asks the husband 'what's your name?' husband answers'i don't remember', then the wife sais 'doesn't matter, i love you anyway'.
But in order to keep that together you need to make sure to not push your spouse away. You don't appreciate people that don't appreciate you.
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Old 12-18-2009, 11:43 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Hi Nekko,
You are making many good points. You are discussing this couple reacting and not being pro-active and getting to the bottom of why they are habitually behaving in a manner that is undermining to their relationship and their ability to connect in a meaningful way-- especially sad prior to this guy leaving for a full year as he is going off to war. Its the elephant in the room. These immature behaviours are getting in the way.

There are communication breakdowns, the bad habit of independent behaviours getting in the way of forming or maintaining the 'us' in a marriage relationship, failure to stay connected to one another, and perhaps not having a basic level of respect towards one another, and maybe even coming into a marriage under prepared and not fully developed as an individual and maybe having misguided expectations formed in the first place. For example, the wife perhaps has low self-esteem and has the habit left over from childhood of using emotional outbursts to attempt to get something out of her husband as he's generally not too responsive. Unfortunately emotional outbursts further allienate in this case and cause anger and resentment rather then empathy and understanding. Its a kind of dance they are each doing and probably are pretty good at it. Is this where you are going Kekko?

At any rate, I guess I was looking at your comments and making what I perceived (based on my own experience such as it is) and seeing a possible progression or lack of. I see the marriage relationship as a relationship that evolves and progresses in some fashion over time. So if a couple or if one or each of the individuals works on their weaknesses within their marriage (act in a pro-active rather than reactive manner) likely the marriage will evolve in a healthier fashion. Thus when 'stuff happens' that is part of life (in my example --an illness) the more pro-active couple will
be able to weather the storm more readily. But if the couple are plagued with immaturity, low self esteem issues, poor communication skills--whatever, these things will make the situation more difficult--- most likely.

In all fairness, it can be very hard to see our own self defeating behaviors and what's holding us back and causing us to make the same mistakes with our behaviours over and over. Concerning the crying: crying in some contexts could be a natural emotional release to a loss or it could be rooted in a past trauma the person is unaware of ---kind of like post traumatic stress syndrome. Until the person confronts the real cause to their trauma its doubtful anyone including a spouse can help. Perhaps this is why the spouse has given up in some ways and simply reacts with anger, distancing and other passive agressive behaviours. The spouse intuitively understands they are helpless to unlock the mystery. Just a thought. What do you think of this notion?
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Old 12-19-2009, 04:31 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't care when I cry.

Hey Terra,

Love to talk with you .
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There are communication breakdowns, the bad habit of independent behaviours getting in the way of forming or maintaining the 'us' in a marriage relationship, failure to stay connected to one another, and perhaps not having a basic level of respect towards one another, and maybe even coming into a marriage under prepared and not fully developed as an individual and maybe having misguided expectations formed in the first place.
Exactly. For an 'us' to happen, there have to be two rather strong people that go into that 'us'. Sure, weak moments can and will happen, and it is normal for the other partner to jump in and help. Those two people like eachother based on some qualities (this is the way life is). Those qualities can't completely disapear for ever else the marriage fails.

Respect, if you wish, is in my opinion the most important thing in a relationship between two people, followed by trust. If respect is missing the behaviour of the people involved will change greatly. Lack of respect means you think your spouse doesn't deserve good behaviour, support or love from you. Obviously this is bad. For short you need to see your spouse as an equal. Yes, with different personality and different needs, but as an equal in rights and as deserving to receive love and support and your opinion etc.

Quote:
For example, the wife perhaps has low self-esteem and has the habit left over from childhood of using emotional outbursts to attempt to get something out of her husband as he's generally not too responsive. Unfortunately emotional outbursts further allienate in this case and cause anger and resentment rather then empathy and understanding. Its a kind of dance they are each doing and probably are pretty good at it. Is this where you are going Kekko?
Exactly.

-Say the husband, as a child, always got anger and dis-aproval from his parents when he cried after candy...because his parents told him to 'toughen up'. He matured, realized crying to get something never works, and accepted it. As his parents, he will treat this kind of behaviour in the same way because he was taught it was bad and immature.

-The wife, on the other hand, would get what she wants because her daddy couldn't stand to see her cry and wanted to please her. Hence she was encouraged indirectly to behave that way in order to get something (most of the times emotional support). Since she was never discouraged from it, she keeps doing that. So, her and her husband have conflicting opinions on the matter.

When he sees her act that way he gets annoyed, offended and feels like he has to put an end to this kind of behaviour (like his parents did to him), eventually even teasing her once in a while as a test, in order to 'toughen her up' thinking that she'll eventually reach the point where she understands. She on the other hand jumps to the conclusion that he doesn't love her or care (because daddy, who did love her, always tried to please her, and tolerated her behaviour). If he hadn't loved her, he wouldn't have married her. He wouldn't bother to tease her. People aren't mean to other people when they don't care about those people (this is a fact of life). They just plain don't care.

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At any rate, I guess I was looking at your comments and making what I perceived (based on my own experience such as it is) and seeing a possible progression or lack of. I see the marriage relationship as a relationship that evolves and progresses in some fashion over time. So if a couple or if one or each of the individuals works on their weaknesses within their marriage (act in a pro-active rather than reactive manner) likely the marriage will evolve in a healthier fashion. Thus when 'stuff happens' that is part of life (in my example --an illness) the more pro-active couple will
be able to weather the storm more readily. But if the couple are plagued with immaturity, low self esteem issues, poor communication skills--whatever, these things will make the situation more difficult--- most likely.
Yup. From the point of view of the husband....him knowing that whenever his wife encounters difficulties she'll burst in tears and do nothing, how hopeful do you think he is that if he goes to war and something bad happens, when he comes back his wife will be strong and mature enough to take care of him? How would you, or any of us for that matter feel, if we knew that should trouble arrise, our spouse is not strong or mature enough to handle the situation. Doesn't matter if the spouse really can given the situation. It's all about how we perceive our spouse.

People should first of all work on theirselves before working on a marriage. If you know you have low self esteem, don't wait for your spouse to pull you out. It's not his/her duty to fix that problem, that's generally yours and only you can fix anyway (for it to last).

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Concerning the crying: crying in some contexts could be a natural emotional release to a loss or it could be rooted in a past trauma the person is unaware of ---kind of like post traumatic stress syndrome.
Crying is a normal behaviour and it's actually beneficial for releasing stress and frustration. It's more common for women because they weren't bugged all childhood like men were with 'crying is for sissies and it makes you look weak'. Men do exactly the same thing with manifesting anger. It's the same emotions, just a different way of expressing it. When they couldn't cry, they found an alternate mode of manifesting frustration. A crying woman and a very angry man are most of the times the exact same thing. But constant anger and constant crying are both frustrating at hell and at some point you wonder what the hell you are doing so wrong to cause your spouse so much unhappiness. Obviously this makes you unhappy (either to the point of tears or anger) as well.
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Until the person confronts the real cause to their trauma its doubtful anyone including a spouse can help. Perhaps this is why the spouse has given up in some ways and simply reacts with anger, distancing and other passive agressive behaviours. The spouse intuitively understands they are helpless to unlock the mystery. Just a thought. What do you think of this notion?
A spouse can't help with your personal internal conflicts. I know, i've been there. My husband jumped from being supportive, to being funny, to being angry, to being basically anything he could think of. It did not help. I had to pull my own self out because the problem was in my head! And yes, i agree with your notion. Specially if niceness didn't work, you'll be stuck with an exasperated spouse that knows he/she can't help, wants their happy strong spouse back and feels powerless.
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Old 12-20-2009, 09:06 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Nekko & Mrs Farris~
Tough spot for both of you. Your self awareness and ernestness is great. Do your husbands have any interest in counseling or are you working on this alone? I'm not saying this is a good or bad thing. I've got someone whom works for me who would sulk and pout when she didn't like something or a situation etc. She would claim to not be aware she was pouting but I can't believe she couldn't be. She even discusses her adolescent daughter doing the samething. I even had to counce her thatif she continue to behave thhis way I'd have to suspend her or fire her. Sad but couldn't have her behaving in this fashion w/clients.
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Old 12-21-2009, 02:37 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Nekko & Mrs Farris~
Tough spot for both of you. Your self awareness and ernestness is great. Do your husbands have any interest in counseling or are you working on this alone? I'm not saying this is a good or bad thing. I've got someone whom works for me who would sulk and pout when she didn't like something or a situation etc. She would claim to not be aware she was pouting but I can't believe she couldn't be. She even discusses her adolescent daughter doing the samething. I even had to counce her thatif she continue to behave thhis way I'd have to suspend her or fire her. Sad but couldn't have her behaving in this fashion w/clients.
Working on this alone since i can't make him go to a counselor. I haven't really asked but i don't want to because i know he finds it stupid. Ever since i discovered what the problem is (and i somehow knew because that weaker behaviour wasn't me...my own mind was telling me how i needed to get out of that situation if you know what i mean...) i've slowly started fixing it. I'm more than half way back to normal, and i can see how my husband is more than half way back to his old behaviour as well, as a reaction. Some things, if you can and want to, you just have to do for yourself. And btw, therapists are there to teach you how to help yourself, not solve your problems. So if you are willing to do some introspection, understand the situation objectively (without pride and not only from your point of view) it has pretty much the same result as therapy...in my opinion anyway.
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Old 12-21-2009, 07:18 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Crying because one's spouse is saying nasty mean things to you is NOT childish or weak. Your husband perceiving it as that and then adding insult to injury by becoming nasty about the tears themselves. Well, that's ****ed.

Why would someone do their best to break you down and then try to "tough you up". What are you, his science toy? It's absurd. Yes, you DO have to toughen up, but not so that he can respect you again and love you again and be nice to you again - but so that you can get the heck out of there! No one should trample on you and then get angry at you because you are hurt. Sure, if you were just a whiny cry-baby all the time for no reason at all - I could see how that would get annoying. And if that's what you're doing, then fess up to yourself and stop it. But it doesn't sound like that's the situation at all.

Threatening to leave just to get him to back off is also a bad strategy. He'll learn soon enough you don't mean it. Make sure the next time the words come out of your mouth, you will follow through 100% and permanently.
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Old 12-21-2009, 07:30 PM   #24 (permalink)
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From the point of view of the husband....him knowing that whenever his wife encounters difficulties she'll burst in tears and do nothing
You're talking about a very different scenario and situation than described by the OP. Your analysis is correct in the context of the scenario you visualize ... but please read what she said again. HE is VERBALLY ABUSING her and then getting pissed when she becomes hurt. In a spousal relationship, we share our most intimate vulnerabilities to one another. When one partner uses that as a weapon to come at the other, to break them down, that is the ultimate betrayal and why verbal abuse is such a nasty matter in a marriage. So, for her to cry when he does this is NOT weak or childish - it is the normal reaction of a normal person.

If she were just crying every time she burnt the bacon or the doorknob got jammed, yes, she'd be the most annoying person in the world. That's not the situation here. HE'S being nasty to her, using everything he knows about her to rip at her soul and then he's like "why the **** are you crying?" That makes him the bad guy here.

Does she need to find the strength to stand up to him, maybe to leave him or give him a (real) ultimatum, yes. But the way this is being presented is like "well, of course, he can't respect you if you start crying all the time and if you get tough and don't let his verbal abuse bother you, then he'll respect you for being strong and just don't show your weakness" .... why should someone have to be that darn guarded and unaffected in a relationship? to keep a relationship? She shouldn't have to be. Yes, she should be her strong assertive self but that can only happen in the context of a loving, supportive accepting relationship when it's the relationship that's causing the "character weakness."
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:39 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Nekko~
Sure introspection can be very good and helpful but also you can get lost too. This is what I'm getting when I'm reading your posts. And no doubt this the reason Ms Lady is responding in this fashion. I kind of didn't have the heart to say so in so many words myself, but now the cat is out of the bag! This is why I mentioned when I initially posted here that you seem to be using a pure cognitive outlook which again is pretty sterile. Anyway, it can be helpful to have a professional to discuss your introspections. I'd read your post to the woman who has been married 23 years. Your insights are a bit off base and not realistic. Sounds liek you are being verbally abused yourself and your self analysis is not helping you deal with it appropriately. It sounds like you are putting a great deal of energy into figuring how you can manipulative your husband to stop the abuse. This is not a love and marriage relationship. Its an act(s) of desperation.
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Old 12-22-2009, 02:26 AM   #26 (permalink)
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HE'S being nasty to her, using everything he knows about her to rip at her soul and then he's like "why the **** are you crying?" That makes him the bad guy here.

Does she need to find the strength to stand up to him, maybe to leave him or give him a (real) ultimatum, yes. But the way this is being presented is like "well, of course, he can't respect you if you start crying all the time and if you get tough and don't let his verbal abuse bother you, then he'll respect you for being strong and just don't show your weakness" .... why should someone have to be that darn guarded and unaffected in a relationship? to keep a relationship? She shouldn't have to be. Yes, she should be her strong assertive self but that can only happen in the context of a loving, supportive accepting relationship when it's the relationship that's causing the "character weakness."
Aside from talking from my own experiences in life....i was explaining various possible scenarios as well as giving my opinion on what the OP could do to pull herself out of that situation. Many of the things i said start with 'if' or 'say this were the case...then the consequence would be this'....last 2-3 posts were mostly a discussion with Terra on variations of behaviour in this type of marriage. They are general ideas of what can happen in a marriage, how some people think, how they are raised and how they react. If MrsFarris finds any similarities between her situation and that, good, maybe it'll be helpful. But it wasn't meant to completely define her marriage, i can't tell that from her 2 posts.

If you were to read my first post you'd understand I didn't say her husband's behaviour is OK. But she chose him . I was just trying to explain it to an extent. When you understand why someone behaves in a certain way, it's easier to do something about it or just take it as it is and decide to leave.

I've always answered posts on this forum with how i see the situation, what I think could work to try FIX the marriage. I don't just go ahead and say 'oh i feel for you, your husband is crap' because that never solves anything, does it? Ok, maybe 2-3 minutes of the OP feeling better but not long term anyway. I also know that when it gets to this point, of two people not getting along, neither of them will usually give up. Since the poster bothers to ask about it, i think about what they could do to change the situation into better...at least a bit better, then go from there.

I'm sure that however much of a bully her husband is 'why are you doing this' with a decently friendly tone would have at least a slightly better result to fixing things than turning around and crying.

Again, her husband being abusive is not 'excused' so to say. It's still bad. But her options are 2.
1. Walk away, or
2. do something to not allow him to be abusive. She could just keep crying and yell back. And he'll keep behaving the same way. Or she could pull herself together (what she'd have to do if she were to leave as well!) while still in the marriage and see how that works out.
There is no other option of her husband just out of the blue realizing what a jerk he is and stoping his behaviour. Things never really happen this way.

Quote:
Your insights are a bit off base and not realistic
Perhaps so . But I try to understand people and why they do the things they do. Things always look different from the outside when posted here by their spouses. To understand a situation completely you have to understand why the other spouse is behaving the way he/she is to some extent too. On this side there's a set of complaints. Be sure that on the other spouse's side there's also a set of complaints.

Quote:
It sounds like you are putting a great deal of energy into figuring how you can manipulative your husband to stop the abuse.
While this post isn't really about me, the only problem i still have with my husband is the low frequency of sex. Other than that, at the moment (as angry as he is with pretty much anyone), he's stoped being that with me. He's actually nice, considerate and affectionate..this after he was what MrsFarris describes. Why? Because i took the time to actually understand why he was behaving that way. Does it matte how i did it? I didn't bully him into anything or leave him. I didn't really manipulate him either. It was a matter of 'what do you need to be happy?' Figured that out, did it...he reacted and became nice.

This is exactly why i go ahead and state my opinion. Because i managed to do that in my own marriage. Now, what i advice may sound weird or unrealistic but it worked, so i'm telling people. If it works for them and they wanna take that advice, good, if not, it's just a bunch of words on a forum that people can ignore.
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Old 12-22-2009, 11:54 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Nekko~
Glad to hear you are having success. I'd had a bad feeling you were identifying and justifying your own situation and getting yourself into analysis paralysis mode or waxing about philosophically by dashing around this site trying to help others in similar fashion as you are helping yourself. I was picking up a vibe that raised a little red flag in me. Maybe its just me and how I see the world or see and act towards helping others. You may be caught up in your own methods and not catching on which has pushed me to write you and attempt to give you other perspectives, ie the idea of a couple facing real tradgedy. I'm not sure, but I got stirred up with feelings of annoyance for some reason. I did not mean to highjack this from Mrs Farris nor not see her situation for what it is--- I'd gotten caught up in Nekko's meanderings. Now I need to go to work and let this go.
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Old 09-01-2010, 12:58 PM   #28 (permalink)
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My partner is also verbally abusive at times, only when he is really mad. When I cry he tells me it means nothing to him and that its worthless. As a husband I expect him to be emotionally supportive. I can easily tell if he was the one crying I would be the one to cheer him up and I would never say the things he says to me. Its really hard to say wether or not he acts like this because of me or if it is because he just doesnt love me anymore.
I have tried to be more confident and the only thing it did was make him more enthusiastic sexually, but thats not what i want. I want him to be more supportive and caring when I am upset and apologize when he does something wrong. How can you get a man to not be so stubborn and make more of an effort???
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Old 09-16-2010, 11:46 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't care when I cry.

I feel the same way. I am relatively newlywed and sometimes I feel like I made a mistake getting married. You're right when you say it's like a vicious cycle because when everything is resolved, I feel bad for thinking those things. I don't know what it is, but maybe he's like a fair weather husband. I feel like when times are good, and nothing is stressful or wrong, our relationship is good. If I bring up something that's concerning me, something that's not even related to our relationship, he tells me that I'm ruining his day. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's day, I'm just looking for a friend that will listen, understand, empathize, be there with me. I mean, didn't we get into this relationship to share both the joys and the sorrows of life together?? To be there for each other when we need it? When he comes to me with something he's struggling with, I listen. I try to help. I nurture because I know that's what he needs to get through the hard time and move on. When I go to him, I get yelled at. He is so hurtful that I cry and he doesn't give a rats. He yells at me for crying. And I've expressed all of this to him. I've told him how he makes me feel sometimes and he basically tells me I'm full of it. Somehow, it always comes back on me. None of my other relationships have ever been like this, so I can't truly believe that everything is my fault but he makes me feel so low. And the hiding your tears thing...I know exactly what you mean. It will take every ounce of strength to hold it together long enough to get away so that I can cry without being yelled at. He makes me feel like such a failure, and I am categorically not a failure. I don't want to give up but I don't know what to do because he won't listen. I can't share anything I'm feeling with him if it's not a beam of sunshine because he will get mad that I'm ruining his day. I don't know what to do...
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Old 09-22-2010, 01:16 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't care when I cry.

Sounds like it's time to locate the nearest exit. Spousal abuse rarely gets "fixed". As an EMT, I see abusive spouses that have been beaten to the brink of death who have become combative with law enforcement who are going to remove the abuser from the home.

Sadly, there are several addresses that we have been to enough times to know the people who live there by name, and what the nature of the call will be.

We get to the scene. Wife looks like she has been dropped off the roof. Husband does all the talking to the first responders. It's amazing that he thinks we actually believe that mess about her running into walls, being clumsy, falling down the stairs, etc.

I have first hand experience of 2 women who have died from injuries inflicted by their Husbands. These women were people that we had responded to on many other occasions. The husband says he's sorry and it is all better.

Get out while the gettin's good. If he hasn't become physical yet, all the better.
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