General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
To the OP:
I think there's a difference between being insensitive and angry in the middle of a heated argument that's already out of control, and the kind of coldness, criticism, and unhealthy dynamic that gets people into a fight like that in the first place. In other words, just like you don't typically cry at the drop of a hat, is your husband mean if you're not (both) already fighting and upset? If the case is the latter, then it's a vicious, frustrating cycle--my husband and I have this problem, which is why this thread caught my eye.
Your husband probably does have his own reasons, inside, for his insensitivity and his inability (or unwillingness) to show compassion when you react by crying. I know how painful that can be--like someone else said, I definitely cry out of frustration when we argue. We've said 2 things to each other that I hope can help us:
1. He says, "Don't ask or demand me to show you that compassion, and maybe you'll get it. If you're crying, give me the space to cool down myself and to do it naturally on my own."
2. I said, "Just DONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL if you cannot keep yourself from being mean when we fight, or when you see that I'm so frustrated I'm in tears."
We're working on not letting the fights get to that point.
Just want to add: It cuts me to the core when he says it's "childish" for me to cry RIGHT WHEN IM FEELING THAT VULNERABLE ALREADY, IN TEARS. Or when I say "Show me some compassion" and he replies with "I'm not your mom!"
So if I don't want to hear that, I'm going to walk away from the fight if I feel like crying so I don't have to hear that from him, and hope and have faith that he can find his heart again even when he's angry.
My partner is also verbally abusive at times, only when he is really mad. When I cry he tells me it means nothing to him and that its worthless. As a husband I expect him to be emotionally supportive. I can easily tell if he was the one crying I would be the one to cheer him up and I would never say the things he says to me. Its really hard to say wether or not he acts like this because of me or if it is because he just doesnt love me anymore.
I have tried to be more confident and the only thing it did was make him more enthusiastic sexually, but thats not what i want. I want him to be more supportive and caring when I am upset and apologize when he does something wrong. How can you get a man to not be so stubborn and make more of an effort???
I agree that many of us probably think that we would be much more supportive if our spouse was the one who felt hurt and was crying, but I really just tried to imagine this, on a continuous basis, and I have to think, maybe not.
If everytime I got angry and stressed my husband burst into tears, I have to admit, I'd probably start thinking he was a wuss. It's terrible I know, but just imagine it!
When tears are a frequent response to an argument, they really do mean nothing much at all. The spouse watching those all too common tears will probably think they are just being used to manipulate him into backing down and admitting that he was terrible and to start being more loving. Yes, this is what we want him to do, but is THAT realistic.
I saw someone question whether Nekko was being realistic, but to be honest, her response to her situation seems to be the one that makes the most sense. If you want to remain in the marriage, assuming your partner will change is unrealistic, but changing your own reactions to things is perfectly realistic.
Note: I'm not talking about a situation where a person is actually abusing their partner. In that situation, where they are deliberately trying to hurt their partner, instead of lacking empathy to deal with their partners hurt, I don't think staying in the situation is an option at all.
I remember when I was growing up XXX years ago my father was a very angry man, atleast in my early years but my mom somehow managed to snap him out of it. My dad wasn't "military" type of aggressive and tough, but he could be a real jerk to her. What she did was she began sticking up for herself and stopped doing certain things for him (cooking, etc. My parent's are very old school), and that grabbed his attention. The most important thing, in my opinion is that you as a woman, manage to value yourself for who you are and start building up that self-esteem and sense of self worth and start realizing certain things. Good luck!
I don't respond to women crying, because women commonly use it to manipulate men. When I see a woman crying, I instantly wonder what she wants, and who she's trying to get it from.
My husband is verbally abusive and often makes me cry. When/if I do cry, he ignores me and sometimes even becomes angry. He says he loves me but how could he really care if seeing me in pain like that doesn't matter to him? He doesn't console me, try to make it better, or even acknowledge what is going on. It makes me feel so unimportant and invisible. Its to the point where if I feel like crying, I will leave or go somewhere where he cannot see or hear me because I cannot stand the way he acts towards it. I'm not emotionally unstable and rarely cried in other relationships or in life in general before him, but he just cuts at me so deep and has a special way of bringing me down. When we argue and I cry he sometimes tells me I am pathetic and suggests that I "go somewhere else" or get over it... sometimes going as far as to say things like "god are you on your period or something?" even though it is obvious that his words or actions are what upset me. He treats me so horrible but then after the fact he denies it and says he loves me and treats me good and all of that. Its a vicious cycle, it seems like the only time he is good to me is when I threaten to leave, then he is right back to his old ways. After dealing with this for over a year now I am hurting inside all the time and feel like I can't explain it to anyone... We are so far from family and friends, and he acts totally different when we around other people so no one notices it. I'm beginning to feel like I am not worth loving and its killing me inside. Does anyone else's husband do this to them?
My husband is verbally abusive and often makes me cry. When/if I do cry, he ignores me and sometimes even becomes angry. He says he loves me but how could he really care if seeing me in pain like that doesn't matter to him? He doesn't console me, try to make it better, or even acknowledge what is going on. It makes me feel so unimportant and invisible. Its to the point where if I feel like crying, I will leave or go somewhere where he cannot see or hear me because I cannot stand the way he acts towards it. I'm not emotionally unstable and rarely cried in other relationships or in life in general before him, but he just cuts at me so deep and has a special way of bringing me down. When we argue and I cry he sometimes tells me I am pathetic and suggests that I "go somewhere else" or get over it... sometimes going as far as to say things like "god are you on your period or something?" even though it is obvious that his words or actions are what upset me. He treats me so horrible but then after the fact he denies it and says he loves me and treats me good and all of that. Its a vicious cycle, it seems like the only time he is good to me is when I threaten to leave, then he is right back to his old ways. After dealing with this for over a year now I am hurting inside all the time and feel like I can't explain it to anyone... We are so far from family and friends, and he acts totally different when we around other people so no one notices it. I'm beginning to feel like I am not worth loving and its killing me inside. Does anyone else's husband do this to them?
I am going through the same thing I dont know how to cope with it
I have been going through this for at least 10 years and sometimes it's bearable and sometimes not. Our youngest graduates from high school this year and my goal now is to stay until she leaves in August, but leave then if nothing gets better by then. My husband can be a great guy and is supportive of me if someone else hurts me, but if he is the one who hurt me he can't deal with it. Either I ignore it to keep the peace, in which case I bury it deep inside with rest of the past hurts we haven't dealt with, or I say something to him and he immediately defends himself and explains to me how he didn't do anything to justify my feelings and therefore he has nothing to talk about or apologize for, which just leaves me feeling worse than if I had said nothing at all. I could understand if he felt sort of defensive at the time and then came back later to talk about it and make sure I was OK, but that never happens. The worst is when something happens at night and he just goes to sleep like a baby, knowing I'm downstairs crying and then just gets up the next day and says, "Good morning!" - like nothing ever happened. I have so many years of unresolved hurts inside me I feel like I don't know where to start to try to heal. I know it takes less and less to hurt me now because all those things are still there inside me - in fact, it's like an automatic response as soon as he says something that hits me the wrong way. My stomach tightens, my body stiffens and then the tears start. I feel like I've lost all my self esteem and motivation for living because I've allowed this to go on for so long and I really just don't know what to do, which makes me feel even worse because I'm an intelligent woman - BS, MBA. I cry myself to sleep most nights and break down a few times each day when I allow myself to think about it. I have two daughters and I worry so much about the example I'm setting by not standing up for myself, because I always tell them that they should not base their lives around pleasing men, but should set their own path and then hopefully find a man who wants to share it with them. Why can't I do that for myself?
God - I feel so hopeless......... It does help a little to know that I'm not the only one in this situation, but I still need to find a way out and in spite of all this, I don't want to leave the marriage. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......
He is an abuser and he will (most likely) continue to abuse you.
You can choose to a) learn not to be upset by him (aka pretend to not hurt, numb yourself and disconnect from real feelings) OR
b) leave his @$$ find a real man that won't feel the need to condemn you in order to make himself feel good.
After almost 30 mins of reading through the posts here, while spinning in my chair in disagreement with much of the introspection that has taken place-- there comes you MsLady!
Thanks MsLady, I decided to register on this forum to thank you for your posts. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLady
Crying because one's spouse is saying nasty mean things to you is NOT childish or weak. Your husband perceiving it as that and then adding insult to injury by becoming nasty about the tears themselves. Well, that's ****ed.
Why would someone do their best to break you down and then try to "tough you up". What are you, his science toy? It's absurd. Yes, you DO have to toughen up, but not so that he can respect you again and love you again and be nice to you again - but so that you can get the heck out of there! No one should trample on you and then get angry at you because you are hurt. Sure, if you were just a whiny cry-baby all the time for no reason at all - I could see how that would get annoying. And if that's what you're doing, then fess up to yourself and stop it. But it doesn't sound like that's the situation at all.
Threatening to leave just to get him to back off is also a bad strategy. He'll learn soon enough you don't mean it. Make sure the next time the words come out of your mouth, you will follow through 100% and permanently.
Your husband is being emotionally abusive. This is not okay. It usually gets worse, if it isn't addressed.
Have you tried counseling? Go for yourself if not marriage counseling for you both. Read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
Recognize that making you cry is not an acceptable thing and that you can't change how he treats you, but you can change what you are willing to accept and what you will not accept. You need to strengthen your boundaries, a little.
Do you have friends and family nearby? If not, start trying to make some friends by joining a club or meetup or something. The more isolated you feel, the harder it will be for you to get in control of yourself, and the more likely that the power balance in your relationship will continue to become one-sided. Hang in there.
same here...he doesnt give two hoots if i cry..., this despite he claimed to have fallen in love with me and had propsed me to marriage..his condition was such that if i do not marry him..he'll finish himself. Look now, i feel so unwanted and undesired cheap woman. now he compares me with other girls..once even compared me with my house keeper and asked me to be smart and thin like her. he doesnt go outside anywhere with me..prefers everyone else above me...forgot my birthday although remembered his cousin's marriage.when i reminded him in the evening he said sorry and then went out, left me, returned drunk after midnight..if i'm upset and hurt and crying, he simply smokes or drinks and sleeps with his back towards me..its extremely disappointing because a person who loves u or claims to be loving and caring can never see u in pain and can never hurt u. He doesnt know how to caress or make me feel secure. has asked me angrily to not to discuss my problems with him becaz he doesnt want any tension..so my duty is to only comfort him and if i have any problem i have to face it all alone..after some days when he feels like having sex he comes to me and tries to be nice. when he is satisfied he again starts ignoring me..this cycle is repeated everytime. he doesnt like my touching him or kissing him. he excuses himself by saying that its too hot, or that he is tired or that he's feeling sleepy. doesnt allow me to kiss his lips by saying that his lips crack easily..if i try to get intimate he becomes sarcastic and tells me that im sex maniac..im allowed to touch him only when he desires.. im extremely lonely and hurt. but very soon i'll tide over everything. i'll definitely divert my mind to my own self and my baby. i'll learn to forget him. i swear very soon i'll stop crying for him and will be more successful......
Yup. Me. My husband is angry...that's just the way he is. Once he gets angry at...basically anything...he feels the need to manifest that anger. I'm the closest thing around. Since he knows me, he knows what pushes my buttons. I've known this since I married him and I accept it (since I chose to be with him). It's just the way he is.
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Your way of handling your husband does not work for handling all abusive people.
Some would get more enragged if their partne laughed at their anger and do what you do. I'm glad you feel that you have found a way to deal with your husband that you feel ok with. It's worth a try for the OP, but she will need to be careful with this approach. Many people who are abusive do it to gain control over their partner. If he feels he's losing control he could escalate to physical violence.
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Re: My husband doesn't care when I cry. 
