Insane wife?
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Old 12-12-2009, 11:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Insane wife?

My wife is convinced I am and have been cheating on her with random women. She is not very emotional about it, but she will occasionally make a comment here or there that doesn't apply to anything. Like, "How is that female officer working out at work? Does she do 'it' better than I do"....and she is totally serious. I am not cheating on her. She doesn't snoop around my stuff, she pretty much just accepts that I am having sex with other women. But I am not.

This in its self, maybe not so bad. It doesn't affect us in any direct way that I can see. She doesn't cheat on me.

What is bad is that she treats me like a piece of meat to her friends. It is one thing to jokingly offer them "a piece" of me, but another thing when she has them touch me and stuff.

A couple examples. One of her friends was at the house and we all were talking about how we lost weight (at the end of the summer). I said I had grew a little gut but got rid of most of it, though I don't have rock hard abs. This in the midst of both of them lifting their shirts up over their stomachs and pulling the front of their pants down about to the pubic area to compare bellies. When I said I don't have really visible abs, my girl said, "Sure you do" and lifted my shirt up over my stomach and pulled the front of my pants down to my pubic line.

She told her friend, "See? Feel his abs"....her friend put her hand on my belly and proceeded to softly rub from my pubic area all the way up to my chest and under my shirt. They both looked at each other and giggled. Her friend kept it up and because it felt very arousing and wrong, I stepped back and fixed my shirt and pants and said , "Ok, thats enough of that".

Now just earlier today she has a different friend over and I am getting ready for work. I am in my work pants and a tank top getting ready to put my vest and work shirt on etc. I was fresh from the shower and my wife asked me what the scent was and I told her it was the body spray she had bought me a few days ago. Her friend came over and put an arm around me and put her face in my chest and sniffed/nuzzled me for about twenty seconds while making the 'mmmm' sound, I looked at my wife like "wtf?" and stepped back saying I had to get to work, her friend said she liked the smell and they both giggled.

My wife has three good female friends that she is very tight with and they try to be tight with me though I try to keep conversations with them really short and to the point when my wife isn't around (like when they call or show up at the door and she isn't home). These women hug and kiss me on the lips as a hello and goodbye, right in front of my wife. They do the same with her, but that is different.

My wife says that is just the way they are and that it is ok, and that if I ever wanted to sleep with one of them it would be ok. I really only want to sleep with my wife.

I don't 'hate' this situation, but really what is going on? My wife is not pursuing a threesome though she says she is open to it (ffm only), and I tell her that is not what I want.

Any ideas of what is going on inside her head? If the checkout girl at the supermarket smiles at me my wife wants to rip her face off, but her friends can and do pretty much grope and fondle all over me and my wife thinks its cool we are all so tight. They sit on my lap, slap me in the ass, slap my chest, come up behind me and squeeze/massage my shoulders, try putting their arms around me and holding my hand etc.

Its like her friends are our girlfriends and anytime we go somewhere with them it feels like the three of us are on a date. She is really physically affectionate with them, which I don't mind and she told me a long time ago that she is bi. I have not an ounce of jealousy but would be mad if she had sex with a women and didn't tell me about it.

My only thought is maybe since she is convinced I am cheating on her and has emotionally accepted that, she somehow justifies the emotion by the way she is with her friends and me. Who knows.

Last edited by Commited1; 12-13-2009 at 12:07 AM.
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Old 12-13-2009, 12:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

I think she really wants to be intimate with them and they are dropping broad hints that they all want to play together with you. Which will then lead to her being able to be with them.

Or she has fantasy's about watching you with other women? Which may be why she brings it up so often...to feed her imagination?
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Old 12-13-2009, 11:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

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I think she really wants to be intimate with them and they are dropping broad hints that they all want to play together with you. Which will then lead to her being able to be with them.
Well there is the whole monogamous relationship thing, and psychological thing that I don't want to upset. No way I am going to have playtime with my wife an another woman then two weeks later she is mad at me and saying how she can't believe I would actually do go through with it with them.

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Or she has fantasy's about watching you with other women? Which may be why she brings it up so often...to feed her imagination?
She does indeed, and yes she talks about it allot. She has this idea that we are going to eventually live with other women and I am going to have children with them and stuff.
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Old 12-13-2009, 01:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

This is a tough one for me to comment on. I'm a "One man, one woman" marriage kind of guy, so threesomes are not possible in a marriage, in my opinion.

This issue is 'above my paid grade', because your wife might very well have other issues. Counseling. My default suggestion, but therapy will help.
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Old 12-13-2009, 01:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

1) The first and most obv possibility is that your W is trying to get u comfortable with being intimate with these women because she wants to be intimate with them, and if she can get u there, then it makes it ok for her to do it.

I would say go with it. Cuz your wifell probably do it whether u do or not. And if she doesnt out of obligation to u, she may end up resenting u. Be thankful that she included u in this, and u might try talking with her openly about it and see where she actually stands exactly.

2) Bi stuff aside, it could just be that ur W considers her 3 closest friends to be extensions of herself. Maybe she really loves u and thinks ur a good lover and doesnt want to deprive the friends she cares about of having those experiences with u as well.

I dunno bro, either way I might not really mind having this problem.
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Old 12-13-2009, 01:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

I agree with these comments, your wife is hinting of a polyamorous relationship, even if just sexual, and feeling you out about it.

Do not do it if it is not something you are emotionally and otherwise philosophically opposed to, as it could do harm to your relationship if you are left with feelings of resentment or guilt (all joking aside, this is very possible regardless of all joking of the "enviable" position you are in). Even so, proceed in your communications with your wife with these assumptions in mind, that it is her fantasy and you perhaps to either move forward with it in due time, or be prepared to explain very lovingly but firmly why you will not.

Either way handle it in such a way that your wife is knowing she is number one to you and you should be just fine.

I wish you well.
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Old 12-13-2009, 02:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

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Originally Posted by Sven View Post
This is a tough one for me to comment on. I'm a "One man, one woman" marriage kind of guy, so threesomes are not possible in a marriage, in my opinion.

This issue is 'above my paid grade', because your wife might very well have other issues. Counseling. My default suggestion, but therapy will help.
Well I am not so much into the idea of threesomes either. I also don't buy much into 'therapy' either. The only form of psychotherapy that I really advocate is way too expensive for us.

Thanks for reading that whole thing and for the advice!
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Old 12-13-2009, 02:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

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Well I am not so much into the idea of threesomes either.
Well its not all about what u r into. Your wife may be into it, which makes it something u have to deal with.

Thats why i think u guys should talk about it openly. And the sooner that conversation happens the better.

You guys need to discuss boundaries. Your W is pushing the boundaries by having her friends touch on u n stuff. So u guys need to talk about these things. Gauge how important all this stuff is to her, and communicate to her places that u are and arent willing to go with her.
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Old 12-13-2009, 02:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

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1) The first and most obv possibility is that your W is trying to get u comfortable with being intimate with these women because she wants to be intimate with them, and if she can get u there, then it makes it ok for her to do it.
This make sense.

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I would say go with it. Cuz your wifell probably do it whether u do or not. And if she doesnt out of obligation to u, she may end up resenting u. Be thankful that she included u in this, and u might try talking with her openly about it and see where she actually stands exactly.
I roll with it in a friendly way without pursuing my own individual relations with these women. When I talk to her about it, her 'official position' is that these women are her friends and that she doesn't want to include them in some kind of polyamorous relationship.

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2) Bi stuff aside, it could just be that ur W considers her 3 closest friends to be extensions of herself. Maybe she really loves u and thinks ur a good lover and doesnt want to deprive the friends she cares about of having those experiences with u as well.
I think/hope this is the biggest part of it. When one of those three friends breaks up with a boyfriend, my wife always offers me up to them. As in she wants me to take them out on dates and have sex with them. No I am not kidding or exaggerating. She almost gets mad that I don't, "Cindy needs someone right now and you are a caring listener and sensitive lover..." I blow it off and tell her she can't possibly mean what she is saying.

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I dunno bro, either way I might not really mind having this problem.
lol I don't mind, other than being a little awkward at times, it really is pretty pleasant. But we got 4 young kids and I take our marriage very seriously and this kind of thing is, imo, like playing with fire.
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Old 12-13-2009, 02:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

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Originally Posted by Commited1 View Post
When one of those three friends breaks up with a boyfriend, my wife always offers me up to them. As in she wants me to take them out on dates and have sex with them. No I am not kidding or exaggerating. She almost gets mad that I don't, "Cindy needs someone right now and you are a caring listener and sensitive lover..." I blow it off and tell her she can't possibly mean what she is saying.
Ok, it may be that one of the reasons shes ok with saying these things so openly to u is that deep down she knows u wouldnt go thru with it.

So if u ever actually did, it really could be pretty dangerous. I still think u guys should talk and put all ur cards on the table.
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Old 12-13-2009, 03:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I agree with these comments, your wife is hinting of a polyamorous relationship, even if just sexual, and feeling you out about it.
Some background- Prior to deciding on my wife, I was polyamorous. I had a few girlfriends who all knew about each other, and I only had sex with them. She was one of them. This was the way things were for years, and she was really the one who I was with the longest (these girlfriends would normally last 4 months to a year then we would break romantic contact for whatever reason and remain friends, in most cases anyways). Well she wanted to go monogamous with me and I wasn't ready, so she fell in with a monogamous guy in a different state, broke off relations with me though we stayed friends.

About two years later they broke up, she moved back to this city to be closer to her family and we ended up crossing paths/hanging out again. We got back into our poly relationship, I lost interest in my other girlfriends, and she lost interest in her girlfriends (one of whom was a mutual lover of us both though we never dated or had sex as a threesome), she had no boyfriends other than me. We made the decision to be monogamous, get married and start a family, leaving the option of including another permanent woman on the table (at her insistence).

The other women never materialized, I have no interest in it though can't say I could not at least try to be open to being committed to two women at once. We have very clear and well defined rules for this, it has to be her that brings someone else around and she has to communicate to me that this woman is a 'potential'. There have been women she met online, a couple we met in person but it always fizzled out really quick. None of the friends of hers that I am talking about are what she calls 'potentials'. I think they are more like 'pretends'.

Quote:
Do not do it if it is not something you are emotionally and otherwise philosophically opposed to, as it could do harm to your relationship if you are left with feelings of resentment or guilt (all joking aside, this is very possible regardless of all joking of the "enviable" position you are in). Even so, proceed in your communications with your wife with these assumptions in mind, that it is her fantasy and you perhaps to either move forward with it in due time, or be prepared to explain very lovingly but firmly why you will not.
I am neither philosophically or emotionally opposed to the idea of any of this, but I can see how bad things could happen easily. My wife prefers women sexually and emotionally to fulfill what she wants from a beta type personality, but she NEEDS a male to fulfill what she wants from an alpha personality.

She expects me to be alpha 24 hours day 7 days a week, she demands it. But she has her own alpha mode and that of course doesn't mesh well with mine. hah....writing and thinking this out I am learning things about her and us. This explains why it seems like sometimes I can do no right, she wants me to be dominant but she wants to be dominant also.

I THINK she wants a second female in the relationship because that is someone from whom she can get her beta fix from while being dominant, meanwhile she can be beta to me and enjoy my dominance over her.

Quote:
Either way handle it in such a way that your wife is knowing she is number one to you and you should be just fine.

I wish you well.
Thank you very much for your reply and kind thoughts. I let her know every day, in many ways, and in no uncertain terms, that she is #1 to me.
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Old 12-13-2009, 03:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by SeeThomasHowl View Post
Well its not all about what u r into. Your wife may be into it, which makes it something u have to deal with.

Thats why i think u guys should talk about it openly. And the sooner that conversation happens the better.

You guys need to discuss boundaries. Your W is pushing the boundaries by having her friends touch on u n stuff. So u guys need to talk about these things. Gauge how important all this stuff is to her, and communicate to her places that u are and arent willing to go with her......

Ok, it may be that one of the reasons shes ok with saying these things so openly to u is that deep down she knows u wouldnt go thru with it.

So if u ever actually did, it really could be pretty dangerous. I still think u guys should talk and put all ur cards on the table.
We have talked in detail about this stuff before, but I should probably make it a little more serious as concerns her friends.

A big part of it is gauging how sincere she is. As in, does she really want me to do this stuff or is she doing it because she knows I won't. That is a tough one because I am not sure if she even knows the answer herself.

I think for now I am going to continue doing what I have been doing- not encouraging anything, expressing some reservation but willingness to be open to what makes her happy, and just enjoy the attention.

The hardest part is not enjoying it too much. I will not cheat on my wife, but omg, the teasing. Really, my wife is one of the hottest women I have ever seen. Everything about her matches my preferences. Like my ultimate preferences. But when she has her attractive friend rub my belly or brush up against my privates when I am wearing sweat pants....btw this kind of thing puts the sex drive into over drive.

Last edited by Commited1; 12-13-2009 at 03:16 PM.
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Old 12-14-2009, 05:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insane wife?

Hmm..she wanted you to be monogamous and you weren't ready. My opinion might be completely unrealistic but i'm stating it anyway. I figure she just got used to you being predisposed to affairs. In order to cope with that, she decided to be the one in control.

Letting you know that you can do that, offering you other women(who are her friends), all these things serve as 'i'm letting you do it'. This doesn't catch her by surprise and is not really qualified as cheating. It's also with someone she trusts to a great extent so it wouldn't give her that much insecurity over loosing you.

I dunno. For me the posture you're in is really awkward. In a way i wish i were like your wife and i could tolerate other women rub up against my husband, but to be honest it would kill me bit by bit. Since i'm not like that, i can't really understand the situation.
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Old 12-15-2009, 03:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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She does indeed, and yes she talks about it allot. She has this idea that we are going to eventually live with other women and I am going to have children with them and stuff.
Now that is pretty weird....
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Old 12-15-2009, 03:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Does my left hand and my right hand count as a Poly relationship ??? LOL
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