Please give me advice, I am so upset by this situation. Here is some background:
- Been married 1.5 years
- Husband cheated on me before marriage
- Trust as always been an issue
DH meets new woman at work, very excited and they become fast friends. She starts texting him on the weekends, 'How is your day?', etc. DH & I discuss that I would like to become friends with her if they are getting this close. We go out w/ her and her 'bf' several times. She always complains to me that I need to dress my DH better, he needs nicer clothes, etc. We do not hit it off. Next month DH goes way over on text messaging charges. He has been texting her 3 times as much as me, and DELETiNG all the messages. DH & I have a heart to heart and he promises to not delete the messages, becuase I tell him even if it is nothing, it looks suspicious. Everything is fine. Now I find DH has installed a secret 'app' on his iphone to text her through. Messages late at night after we go out with her to a bar have been deleted.
He says I'm crazy and won't let him have female friends, so he hides the messages.
I say it is hard for me to trust him when he is deleting everything. If he has nothing to hide, why is he hiding?
Please help. This is driving me insane and I can't stop crying.
Make it clear to your husband that the lies and deceit must end. He needs to give you the password to his phone and let you check it. He must also tell you EVERYTHING - if he is reluctant, then he's hiding a physical affar.
If he can't do this, then you need to get into marriage counseling. The lack of honesty will destroy you. If you don't do ANYTHING, then he's just going to keep dragging it on behind your back. Stop it now while you know it's a problem.
I can speak from experience and say that I really dont like it when my spouse checks my phone. The reason I would delete texts from female friends is because I knew my wife would go thru my phone and give me sh*t about them, and maybe thats how ur husband feels here. Nobody likes their partner to be supicious of them and treat them like theyre cheating when theyre not.
That said, if hes texting with this woman THAT OFTEN, its inappropriate. And u need to sit down with him and have a logical, reasonable conversation about it, so that he cant wiggle out of it, or use ur hystericalness as an excuse to not do what he needs to do. Very important that u keep ur cool.
Thanks to everyone for their replies. A little more to the story:
He cheated the 1st year of 5 yrs dating before marriage, we were college freshmen and it was his best friend from HS. He cut off all contact w/ her and over time I was able to forgive.
I love him with all my heart which is why we married, and I did believe it was a one time thing.
When the frequent texts first started, we did have a civil, deep conversation, where he agreed if a man was texting me that much he would not like it. He promised to cut back on the texting to her. The 2nd time the situation blew up was when I checked our cell bill and saw DH was texting her 3+ times as frequently as me, and had deleted all the messages. (After promising the texting would decrease). We had another 'deep' conversation after I cried for 2 days and he promised again that it would stop. Well all that really did was made him text her through the AIM application, so I could not see. He justification is 'I cannot handle him being friends with other woman.'.
I admit I have trouble allowing him to be 'friends' with woman b/c after the first time he cheated with a friend. Also, I think I should be his best friend and he shouldn't need that contact from another woman. I promised him each time I would work to allow this friendship if he would not delete the texts, so I could see I had nothing to worry about.
Now he is promising the same thing again, but since it is the 3rd time, how am I to believe him?
Thanks for your replies. I have never been so scared or angry at the same time.
I'm going to have to say that this outcome does not look good. If you already had a discussion with him that you feel uncomfortable with his relationship with his female friend then he should stop, out of respect to you.
Besides it does not do good for the relationship when you feel it is necessary to have to look through his phone (though I'm not saying it isn't deserving).
Sparkle, have you thought about why it is that he feels he cant tell you that he is friends with another female? I know that it must be difficult to trust him completely after he cheated on you (regardless of how long ago it was), but that is a problem of yours not his. You made the choice to marry him knowing this and I think that it is something you really need to work on within yourself. If you cant trust him, then these issues are going to continue to happen.
I know you want him to be your best friend and vice versa, but at the same time, it is ok for him to have other friends (female or male) that he can chat to about things that he doesnt necessarily want to talk to you about and there is nothing wrong with that.
You will destroy yourself if you continue to check his messages etc because it will just push him away further and make him do it more.
Take a step back and think about what you really want from all of this. Stay calm and be rationale about the situation, and try to find out from him if he feels that there is something missing in your marriage that means he needs to text her so many times a day...
Hang in there honey and be strong
Dont put yourself second in this!
Update - DH admitted to an emotional affair and one make out session in the office. Who knows the true extent? This is the worst day of my life. I never thought he'd destroy our marriage. Thanks for all your advice. I guess I need to start reading the other forums now.
I'm so sorry. I was afraid of where this was going. A good marriage has no secrets and no need for that type of "privacy." A partner shares his deepest thoughts only with a spouse, which means that anything shared with anyone else will, by definition, be superficial and something that can be freely shared with the spouse too (unless she does not want to hear your deep thoughts about the art of golf). If there is something s/he is sharing only with someone else, that means it's either inappropriate or stems from concerns about the marriage itself--what on earth, other than these two things, would someone choose NOT to share with their spouse? Anyway, I'm so sorry.
I just think that a possible infedelity starts in the head of all of us. when we just thinking about a person more then our beloved partner, something goes wrong. But in this case I am not quite sure what to recommend. everyone needs friends no matter male or female friends but when it comes to hiding something, its getting scary. Trust is a most important base for working relationship. You need to talk talk talk to find out what road you gonna take!!!
Sorry about this!