Need Help Understanding

LovingConcerned · 12-13-2009, 10:14 PM

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. My wife and I have been married for 6 1/2 years together for 9 1/2. Right now we are going through an extremely hard period of time both emotionally and financially. I must start of with saying that I love my wife more then anything in the world. Yet I find myself needing help dealing with what is happening.

About a month ago my wife told me that she is no longer in love with me and not sure that she wants to be involved in a relationship with me any longer. She went on to explain that we have both changed over time and she needed space and she needed to have the opportunity to make new friends. (We had recently moved to a new town and left our very close friends and support groups when we moved.) Since this point in time I have found that she is going out till all hours of the night with her new group of friends (mostly consisting of single guys and a cousin of hers.) I have and will be consistent on the point that I want to work things out with her and she continues to tell me she wants the same.

I am finding that I am pouring my heart out to her on a daily basis and trying to communicate with her trying to work our problems out. I can not put all the blame on her for this because I have done things in the past that like neglecting her or not being there for her, but I truly realize the mistakes that I have made and want to correct them. I have never been unfaithful to my wife nor has she ever been to me to the best of my knowledge and I know that it is not part of her character.

I know that she is very guarded right now and very afraid to open up to me thinking that I may hurt her or that things may or may not work out. How do I help convince her to lower her guard so that we can work our issues out? I try to look at this as an oppotunity to help grow our relationship into something greater then we have had before but she does not see it in the same light. Am I justified in feeling hurt and betrayed by the actions she is taking with her new friends or should I just let it go to give her the space she needs? I love her dearly and do not want to loose the one person I truly do love. What should I do?

sienna · 12-13-2009, 11:17 PM

It is a really difficult thing that you are going through, believe me I know because my husband is doing exactly the same thing to me at the moment.
I think the problem here is that she is very confused, she doesnt want to loose you but isnt exactly sure how she feels about you or about the relationship. Usually that is a symptom of something much bigger rather than the cause of the problem.
The first thing I would suggest is to stop pooring your heart to her and stop trying to get her to talk to you. She will talk when she is ready but the more you pull and try to bring her close the more she will resist.
At the moment you cannot change how she is feeling and you probably cannot change what she is thinking, because she probably isnt listening to you.
My husband and are were going through this battle for a while and have now started marriage counselling where we can start to unfold the underlying cause behind why he is pulling away from me and why he doesnt feel the same. This is a huge step for him, and maybe it is something you can suggest to your wife, but in due time. Not right now when all she is asking is for space. Make sure you really listen to her rather than doing what you think is best right now, or what you think she should be doing.
Tell her that you love her, that you respect her and that you want to make your marriage work, but that it takes 2 people to work on it. And when she is ready to start talking about things you are there to listen and share.
In the meantime start thinking about what you want, so that you can bring something to the table.

Sven · 12-13-2009, 11:25 PM

I agree....stop pouring your heart out. You are driving her away.

However, you need to check up on those nights out....