General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am new to this site and to marriage. My husband and I were married in October after dating and living together for 3 years. My husband has always been somewhat sensitive and not very confident. Lately though it seems as if it's getting worse and putting us at odds with each other. My husband does not have steady work (I do) and we rent an apartment in an expensive neighborhood (I pay the majority of the rent). I have made suggestions that we find a more affordable place and am met with resistance and too be honest childish sulking. We have started to talk about having a family and when I mention finances and again trying to move to a more affordable neighborhood where perhaps we can buy a home and he throws temper tantrums and gets all huffy. Lately I feel like I can't say anything to him without it becoming a personal attack. He is becoming more withdrawn, he doesn't call his friends, doesn't go out unless I go with him and if he wants to do something and I don't I get a huge guilt trip. On the other hand he has no issue backing out on plans with me, even when I have expressed to him that it is important. To be honest I am getting very resentful of this marriage and it's only been 2 months! I have tried to be supportive but again if I make any kind of suggestion about work or my concerns about our expensive lifestyle he clams up and sulks silently and then the next day it's as if nothing has happened. Any advice, suggestions would be so helpful - thank you.
That's terrible. I was meek and withdrawn at the start of my marriage and oh how I wish I'd have know not to do that. The consequences last ----- well it's been 21 years now.
He needs to stand up for himself, make decisions and act like a man...even if you have the job and he doesn't.
I don't know what to tell you. If you take charge and just move the two of you somewhere else, it would be tough to recover.
I have considered that he might be depressed but I honestly don't think that that's it.
It's not that he's meek - he's incredibly controlling with this childish behavior. I don't want to make decisions without him but I also don't want to be finacially irresponsible because he doesn't want to "man up".
I think what's bothering me the most is that he refuses to discuss this as if I don't have the right to ask about OUR future. Without going into a ton of detail there are other issues, there is no "us", no openess. Well he feels he can say whatever he wants and I encourage that b/c if something is bothering him I would want to know but if I have an issue with anything - his family, his work, the subway for crying out loud - he feels like it's a personal attack and that I should get over it. GRRRRR!!!!
I have been with my guy for 4 years. Married 4 months.
I honestly wonder if getting married kicks in a subliminal belief system we have all built up in our heads.
My guy is under stress but he doesn't make any sense lately.
I am getting nowhere so I am going to change my response to him, and not apologizing for my choices or accepting his bad behavior. In your case, perhaps designating a sunday mornign talk on your relationship, each gets to note 2 good, 1 recent issue...establish some safety rules to promote talking, working together?
Maybe moving means the beginning of family, perhaps he is a little nervous or a more inexpensive place hurts his ego a bit, he feels he should provide better?
As for going out, invite him warmly, if he pouts, ignore him, and go, be nice, mention it briefly when you get back but don't bite into his sulking.
I've experienced that one, and needless to say the hubby was dressed and ready to go after awhile, LOL
It seems to me as though you are the man of the house, these temper tantrums that he's throwing need to be dealt with, you need to confront him and let him know how you feel about it, he seems to be a little to comfortable with the fact that you are the main source of income, as far as a family goes, he needs to step it up and be the man of the house! You cant be the mommy, daddy, and the main source of income too top it all off, being in a marriage is a lot of work! You are obviously doing your part, but it sounds to me like you already have a kid! he is acting like a child, he cant honestly expect you to support him for the rest of yalls lives can he? he needs to get a JOB and show you that hes ready to start a family and ready to step it up and be the man of the house
Unless you want him to be a stay at home dad, having kids at this point does not seem like a good idea. Then you'll be tied to this man forever. Does he have a job at all? If not why not?
I would imagine this guy is feeling insecure. He is in a position where he is dependent on you, and this results in him being oversensitive and lashing out.
I'm in the same type of situation, except the reverse. I'm very dependent on my husband, which results in me being oversensitive. It's very hard to be dependent on others.
It reminds me of the quote that says something along the lines of "Letting someone be dependent on you is doing a disservice to yourself, and even more disservice the person depending on you" I think I agree because it's reducing his feelings of worth. He doesn't feel valuable in your eyes. He feels like in a hole and instead of finding a way to improve himself, he is being coddled and enabled.
Dependent people need help to be independent. The only way a relationship is going to thrive is if both people feel equally valued and contributing.
Speaking as the dependent person, I don't have a job and the fact that I don't support myself rips my heart out. It feels like open heart surgery anytime anyone asks me about it. But worst of all it makes me resent the hand that feeds me. It makes me snap and become oversensitive as a result.
Anyway, I hope my perspective from the other side helps. I think what will help the most in this situation is try to find ways to make him feel equally valued. Help him find job opportunities. Or even compliment him on the things he does do well.
I am new to this site and to marriage. My husband and I were married in October after dating and living together for 3 years. My husband has always been somewhat sensitive and not very confident. Lately though it seems as if it's getting worse and putting us at odds with each other. My husband does not have steady work (I do) and we rent an apartment in an expensive neighborhood (I pay the majority of the rent). I have made suggestions that we find a more affordable place and am met with resistance and too be honest childish sulking. We have started to talk about having a family and when I mention finances and again trying to move to a more affordable neighborhood where perhaps we can buy a home and he throws temper tantrums and gets all huffy. Lately I feel like I can't say anything to him without it becoming a personal attack. He is becoming more withdrawn, he doesn't call his friends, doesn't go out unless I go with him and if he wants to do something and I don't I get a huge guilt trip. On the other hand he has no issue backing out on plans with me, even when I have expressed to him that it is important. To be honest I am getting very resentful of this marriage and it's only been 2 months! I have tried to be supportive but again if I make any kind of suggestion about work or my concerns about our expensive lifestyle he clams up and sulks silently and then the next day it's as if nothing has happened. Any advice, suggestions would be so helpful - thank you.
Has he been this way for the duration of your relationship? Throwing tantrums etc?
Put buying a home and having a family on the back burners,ndont even bring the subjects up. He clearly isn't ready to be an adult with responsibilities.
He has unsteady work, does he actively pursue employment when he's not working? What does he do when he's not working? I hope he doesnt play video games all day.
What does he contribute to the relationship? Does he support you in ways other than financially? Does he have dinner ready when you come home from work? Does he keep the apt clean?
Honestly, it sounds like he's got a good thing going. Why would he want to give that up for a mortgage and kids. He's manipulating you at the very least with his behavior, what do you do when he gets huffy? Drop it, leave the room? If so, maybe he sees that as a win.
If he's been this way for most of the relationship, then that's on you for marrying him. If this is a big shift from previous behavior then you have to show him that you will no longer tolerate the situation.
1Likes
Lately it feels like him vs. me 
