General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So much I can write, don't know where to start. I have done so many things wrong and so has my wife. Our relationship has become individual routines which do not involve each other. We barely talk to each other, we argue about small things often. We haven't had a good sex life since our son was born 7 years ago. We have had sex 2 or 3 times a year since he was born. I've been sleeping on the couch for 7 years. She isn't able to get a good paying job, she only has a high school education. She mentioned divorse and we have talked about it a couple of times. It really won't effect my money too much, matter of fact I may have more because I'd have to get rid of the mortgage to afford child support. I feel like I have nothing to lose, financially I'd be better off, I'd have more freedom, no arguements, no coming home to a dirty house or a woman who has been playing video games all day............everything seems to be a benefit but for some reason I don't want to divorse. She would lose healthcare benefits, She'd have to work and struggle to pay her bills. Should I care? If we are splitting up isn't her life no longer my concern? But I am concerned. If she had a boyfriend or lover who earned a decent living would I be as concerned?
I have suggested counseling but she doesn't want to go. I think she is ok staying married as long as I am nice to her. She doesn't mind not having a sexual relationship. She is ok with me basiclly being a roommate who pays all her bills but does very little for me. When I said that it makes me ask why do I want to stay married? She has even gone as far as to tell me if I want to sleep with other women it is ok as long as it's sex and not love, just don't talk about it or bring it home. Everything tells me that our relationship is over but I don't want it to be. I'm not an ugly guy, I have an education, a career, I don't make a lot of money but we live an decent life on one income (have a home, 2 cars, cell phones, cable, internet....etc). I don't want the mother of my son to have a hard life and I have learned to live with the fact that she is a slob, doesn't clean, doesn't do laundry....etc I am ok with it. Why do I want to stay?
You should go to counseling on your own. Invite her, even if she doesn't go with you.
Sleeping on the couch is a big issue with me as well. I've told my wife that I will never do that, and during the roughest part of our marriage I flat refused. She can do that, but it is MY BED and I'm sleeping in it.
Try moving back to your own bed! That's fundamental to a marriage and I don't know why I didn't mention it before.
I'm sorry to hear about your problem. I get the impression that your wife has esteem issues which has caused her to throw some barriers up. She seems unmotivated and have probably given up on her ability to add anything positive to your marriage.
I'm not an advocate for divorce, however I AM an advocate for tough love and taking appropriate steps towards respecting one's self. I've said that to say this, you have the right as well as the responsibility to draw the line and set some REASONABLE conditions and expectations that will serve as a foundation for reviving your marriage. Take baby steps with the goal of regaining the RESPECT that has been lost over the years. (For without respect you cannot rekindle the LOVE.)
If an agreement can't be reached to this end, then you'll have some decisions to make about what your next step should be. Hopefully not a hasty divorce!
I think it's okay if you're concerned what would happen to her. She is the mother of your son, and her life will affect his. Do you love her? It sounds like you do. I'm just not sure that you're getting the love back. One way love doesn't work. I believe that mom AND dad have to be happy to be good parents. If you're not happy, you're probably not as good of as dad as you can be. You may always love her and worry about her, but you deserve happiness too.
I have my faults.....I am bad with money, I like to drink and smoke and she says I am not nice.....Not that I am mean, just not nice.....very business like, she says. But I do provide a house, 2 cars, cell phones, internet, cable...etc. She plays computer games all day long. She does laundry when we have no more clean clothes. The basement is covered with laundry baskets full of dirty clothes and clothes on the floor too. She doesn't cook or clean either. She is a slob. I would never expect her to do all of this if she had a full time job but she doesn't. We have talked about divorse, seperation....even stayin married and me buying a duplex so we can each have our own house.I've considered every scenario and I keep asking myself.....what am I getting out of this deal?
Okay so this thread is continuing and nothing mentioned the obvious facts, so here they are:
Your wife is resentful to you because she is insecure. She is insecure because you have neglected to take care of these emotional and sexual disfunctions. In her mind, she is not worth it to you for you to be the man and take care of business.
First thing: Tell her how you feel about her.
This is brutally honest, she is seeing that you could not care less for her, find her repulsive and she is not worth to you anything as a woman. It is clear from your post you are a good man that loves his woman, and feels responsible for his relationship. This is as it should be, but your wife would be surprised to know this.
Second thing: Tell her what you expect from her.
This is where some like to say, the "rubber meeting the road". Don't like the housecleaning? Say so, break down into steps what you expect to be done. Firmly, reasonably, and giving her clear expectations that this and that should be done, since your home is something to be proud of and reflects the man and woman who live there.
Also this is to do with the sexual relationship. Are you happy sleeping on the couch? I bet neither of you are, at least as matters of intimacy and sexual relations, as they are intertwined, as one withers and dies so does the other. This makes for a miserable man and woman. Be the man and FIX THIS!
Third thing: What you are going to do to be the good man that will make it happen.
This is most important, and is covered in first and second things to somewhat extent. But not only in words, but in deeds should you always be the man in the relationship and like some say, "step up to the plate" always as the man. When your wife is making you happy, it is good to show her how you feel. When your wife is neglecting what is expected of her in the relationship, again be the man and communicate this to her. Always calm, firm, and in control will the dominant man that a woman will find irrestible attractive be in these areas of the relationship.
These three things will show your wife that you are the good man that cares for her, that she is worth it to you to take responsibility for her and the relationship, and will make you, instead of miserable, to be the very happy man.
I keep asking myself.....what am I getting out of this deal?
Sex 2-3 times a year apparently.
I don't usually think of sex in terms of having a price, but if you boil it all down to dollar amount, she probably comes to like $5-10,000+ a lay. She better be simply outstanding.
Basically once you sleep on the couch it's over IMO. The woman loses all respect for the man in that instance. NEVER NEVER NEVER sleep on the couch. Once you've been sentenced to the couch and you go, the only value you have to the woman is the money you bring home.
At this point it all just seems a bit far gone and she has no redeeming qualities. Perhaps a pet would provide more affection.
Also have you actively ruled out the boyfriend/lover angle? She has an awful lot of time on her hands, the kid is now in school, and she has no interest in sex with you....
Sorry that all sounds a bit defeatist. But meh. I just get a horrible feeling on this one.
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I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
You need to learn how to be fun and friendly and relaxed in dealing with women. That will help you in your next relationship/marriage. You should get a friend - male or female - to help you with that.
I agree with the comments below. You are letting her show you disrespect in every possible way. The funny thing is that if you started divorce proceedings she would freak. She knowns no way will she find another man will tolerate how she treats you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atholk
Sex 2-3 times a year apparently.
I don't usually think of sex in terms of having a price, but if you boil it all down to dollar amount, she probably comes to like $5-10,000+ a lay. She better be simply outstanding.
Basically once you sleep on the couch it's over IMO. The woman loses all respect for the man in that instance. NEVER NEVER NEVER sleep on the couch. Once you've been sentenced to the couch and you go, the only value you have to the woman is the money you bring home.
At this point it all just seems a bit far gone and she has no redeeming qualities. Perhaps a pet would provide more affection.
Also have you actively ruled out the boyfriend/lover angle? She has an awful lot of time on her hands, the kid is now in school, and she has no interest in sex with you....
Sorry that all sounds a bit defeatist. But meh. I just get a horrible feeling on this one.
Agree MEM. As soon as he says "I'm done with this crap, where's the exit" she's going to collapse to the floor sobbing and begging him to stay.
__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
Sorry to hear the way things in your marriage are going, it sounds like the two of you have just accepted to many things in your marriage that aren't helping you be connected, take it slowly change some of the things you do, say and maybe over time she will look at things differently, try to do some of the chores together make her feel she is worth the effort. Maybe she muster some effort on her part, I would also suggest speaking to a 3rd party. Try to find out what she is missing in this relationship and work on that, it sounds like she just needs to be motivated again..
I doesn't look like she wants out so I think there are a lot of reasons to try to keep your family together. It will take time to believe in the 2 of you again.......hang in there ......read the book 5 love languages might be helpful.......gary chapman
Did I mention she is addicted to an online computer game and That is the extent of her social life? She has an in-game husband or boyfriend. I can understand getting hooked on a hobby, even video games but this is silly in my opinion. She is a great mother though. I don't know.......We went christmas shopping today and everything was fine. It was a good day but I keep thinking " if you're not SURE what to do, don't do anything" Buying a duplex or a home that has a converted apartment would probably work but then I ask myself.......why am I paying for a "sponge"........I don't know
Taking Wolf's side on this one. I am willing to bet she thinks you see her as worthless, unatractive and disposable. People hide from problems in videogames and porn! This is more or less of a rule.
Because she thinks you see her that way she won't bother to offer sex, look pretty, clean herself, clean the house..etc. Why do that for someone who doesn't like find you important? This is not to say, oh your poor wife put up with everything and it's only your fault. Nah, it's both of your fault, poor communication, not understanding what the other one needs.
I'm a woman. Never in my life has money been a factor in choosing a man. In fact, when i married my man he was dirt poor. So poor i'd buy a pack of cigarettes and we'd share it when we were dating. Now he brings a decent salary home every month..and i am proud of him. Why? Because he's smart enough to have that job. Not beacause of the money. I chose an intelligent man who understands me and genuinely cares about me and who thinks the same way as i do about life. I chose a man who always took me along and we always had fun together, who respected my decission and my choices and treated me as an equal intelectually. In lack of these things, reasons why i married him, he could bring home as much money as bill gates, it wouldn't mean squat! You can't give me something i don't want instead of something i crave for that i don't have and say it's completely ok just cause you're giving something. What's my point? Stop it with the 'i provide and am a good husband' crap, find out what she needs and try to give it. When you do, she either reacts and your marriage works out, or she doesn't and you leave.
This is my opinion, ignore it if you wish. I'm not Miss know it all, i just tell what i think i see. There are always two sides to a story, and we're missing your wife's (including you). Marriage is a 2 people thing. If one just decides to ignore life in favor of video games...well, excuse me but i doubt it's because that person has been oh so happy with their spouse.
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Anyone care to help?
