My husband hates my parents...
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Old 12-15-2009, 03:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband hates my parents...

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have three great kids. We have a good marriage and argue very little. The only problem we seem to have is that my husband hates my parents and does not want the kids to see them. My parents can be pretty hard to deal with and tend to think of themsleves first, but I know that they love our kids. What do I do? I don't think I should end a marriage over it,but I am stuck in the middle and do not know what to do. I have talked to my husband about this many times and he will not waiver on his decision. I have even had my in-laws talk to him, but they do not really like my parents either so they don't say anything about them now.
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Old 12-15-2009, 05:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my parents...

My first question is why he hates them and is concerned about his kids.

Is he worried for their safety? If there is any possibility of emotional or physical damage then thoughts below don't apply.

If he simply doesn't like their personality...he married you and you are their daughter, he loves you, so you might point that out, they helped create you.

If you divorced, you get the kids and will take them over to see them free and clear. Divorce takes all of his say away.

I would tell him they get a relationship with their grandparents, create a schedule/rules along those lines and ask for his input. Have him identify his concerns, and try to incorporate them to meet his needs. Like, if they are prone to racial comments...((just making this up!)) ask the grandparents to refrain in front of the kids, and have a conversation with the kids - age appropriate of course.

Perhaps that would help? It seems you are at an impasse, I would come up with a plan, open to some compromise, he can either participate understanding a "veto" is not an option.

good luck, Kes
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Old 12-15-2009, 06:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my parents...

This is a hard situation as I've experienced similar issues despite only being married for only a small number of years. It doesn't sound like you'd want to divorce over it. It might be something that he may not change his view on but the kids deserve to have a relationship with their grandparents unless like the previous poster mentioned there is an issue with safety (this does not appear to be the case from your post though).
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Old 12-15-2009, 07:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my parents...

I would have to agree with JMAN, you should not jump to the conclusion that you must get a separation or divorce because of this...you did say you have a good marriage.

I believe you should talk with him and simply express that you want your parents to be part of the kids lives, but maybe your parents do not have to be a part of his.

It seems that you have pushed him in the direction of trying to accept your parents, but he is sticking to his point. At this point, you may not want to force him into it anymore, because that situation can lead into bigger problems with your relationship.

Good luck with this situation though, it seems to be a tough one
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Old 12-15-2009, 09:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my parents...

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Originally Posted by enad7991 View Post
My parents can be pretty hard to deal with and tend to think of themsleves first, but I know that they love our kids.
Would you please amplify this thought?

I have the impression that your husband is reacting to something about your parents. If your husband is a reasonable man in your other dealings, there is something of concern.

What is it about your parents that bothers him?

Last edited by michzz; 12-16-2009 at 12:05 AM.
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my parents...

I dont think ending a marriage over this would be very wise. if you think about it, you would end the marriage because you want your parents to see their grandkids, but then the kids wouldnt always be able to see their dad. which is worse? not seeing grandparents, or not seeing dad regularly? its a no brainer to me.

i dont care for my in-laws and im not sure if i'll let my kids around them. they are mean people, though. i would certainly never leave them there alone. you might be able to come up with some compromise with your H. my compromise with my H is I have to be there and we wont stay long.
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Old 12-16-2009, 09:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my parents...

Thank you for all the advise....and to answer the question of safety, I do not think either one of my parents would ever hurt the kids. The thing that my husband hates is that when this whole situation started, my dad (which is not a biological parent) yelled at me and got my really upset. He is worried that the kids may experience the same thing. Also my parents were did not really bendover backwards to improve our lives. My husband and I do everything for our kids, we run them everywhere to sports, the kids get straight A's, and my parents never did that kind of thing for me. I am at a loss on what to do, believe me I have made suggestions like not leaving the kids with my parents, only going once a month. Nothing I can say will change his mind, I am totally lost....
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my parents...

He's protecting both you and your children from dysfunctional and abusive behavior. That it is your stepfather is confusing to you.

I can't think of any situation where yourt stepdad yelling at you or potentially the children is worth visiting them. Especially if he, your stepfather, is clueless and not apologetic for his behavior.

I'm with your husband on this.

Maybe you can let your mom know why, but I doubt it will help.
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband hates my parents...

Help me understand this. Have your parents ever yelled at/mistreated your kids? If not, then you simply tell them if they do they will lose access to the grandkids.

Otherwise unless there is a safety issue I don't understand why you husband has such intensely strong views on this.

What is it specifically your parents have done / NOT done for you two as a married couple that he is so angry about?

Seeing them upset you one time cannot be the source of ALL this hostility.....


Quote:
Originally Posted by enad7991 View Post
Thank you for all the advise....and to answer the question of safety, I do not think either one of my parents would ever hurt the kids. The thing that my husband hates is that when this whole situation started, my dad (which is not a biological parent) yelled at me and got my really upset. He is worried that the kids may experience the same thing. Also my parents were did not really bendover backwards to improve our lives. My husband and I do everything for our kids, we run them everywhere to sports, the kids get straight A's, and my parents never did that kind of thing for me. I am at a loss on what to do, believe me I have made suggestions like not leaving the kids with my parents, only going once a month. Nothing I can say will change his mind, I am totally lost....
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