General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Is there anyone out there that wants their spouse to be their best friend but they aren't? My spouse is more than willing to be my best friend but I don't feel like he is. I just can't open up to him. It's not that I have a problem with intimacy, I'm dying to share my feelings but just can't do it with him. Its like he isn't secure in his own opinions and so tries to echo mine in different ways. If I try to talk to him in any kind of deeper way, it's like he agrees with me and ends up repeating back to me the very thing I just said, only he changes it around a little. Or he'll take what I just said and ask it back to me in a question form. If I try to talk to him about the problem and how I see it, he pulls away and acts indifferent to me. Which I understand, because I would do the same if it were turned around. I hate saying this because I know my thoughts are no better than his but I guess I feel like a lot of the things he says are stupid to me. Does that make sense? I'm not sure why I'm even posting because I really don't believe there is an answer. I've been married a long time and it's always been like this but for some reason, I'm really wishing my husband was my best friend. Marriage otherwise is not great but not bad. Just wondering how others handle this kind of problem in their marriage. Thanks.
If you are smarter - and he knows it - then he is simply afraid of seeming stupid. But a lot of intimacy is not about analytical thinking - it is about sharing weaknesses, dreams and sexual desires.
It really is ok for you to be smarter. But it is NOT ok if you think he is stupid and or he thinks he is stupid. Because over time you will not respect a man you think is dumb.
Quote:
Originally Posted by memnum80
Is there anyone out there that wants their spouse to be their best friend but they aren't? My spouse is more than willing to be my best friend but I don't feel like he is. I just can't open up to him. It's not that I have a problem with intimacy, I'm dying to share my feelings but just can't do it with him. Its like he isn't secure in his own opinions and so tries to echo mine in different ways. If I try to talk to him in any kind of deeper way, it's like he agrees with me and ends up repeating back to me the very thing I just said, only he changes it around a little. Or he'll take what I just said and ask it back to me in a question form. If I try to talk to him about the problem and how I see it, he pulls away and acts indifferent to me. Which I understand, because I would do the same if it were turned around. I hate saying this because I know my thoughts are no better than his but I guess I feel like a lot of the things he says are stupid to me. Does that make sense? I'm not sure why I'm even posting because I really don't believe there is an answer. I've been married a long time and it's always been like this but for some reason, I'm really wishing my husband was my best friend. Marriage otherwise is not great but not bad. Just wondering how others handle this kind of problem in their marriage. Thanks.
Thank you MEM11363 for the reply. I was hoping you would be one to reply. I've read a lot of your replies to the posts and think you have a lot of insight. A lot of the questions you posed to the others were right on in my case. I know my husband is not a stupid man at all. In fact at his job, he is very respected and looked at as the man to go to if you want to get something done. I just don't understand why I can't have that same man at home. But.....he does say and act in what my opinion is "stupid" for lack of a better word. And I am definitely not smarter than he is. It's just that we think different. I'm sure he thinks some of the things I do is stupid too but wouldn't dare tell me. It might help if he would. Because over time you will not respect a man you think is dumb. There's the insight I was talking about. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I definitely don't want to divorce. Not considering that at all.
How do you handle disagreement? My first wife's parents were the definition of "dysfunctional" (which maybe shoulda been a sign to me, in retrospect). If he disagreed with her, she punished him with a stream of insults. So he rarely did. He didn't start conversations, he waited for her to start conversations. If he was giving his opinion on something, he'd glance at her face to see if she was starting to frown, and if she was he'd backpedal or modify his remarks to soften them.
I'm not saying you're like my first mother-in-law (I'd never say that to anybody), but even a less extreme version of that same dynamic can be troublesome.
Maybe you could ask him about something you don't know anything about, so whatever he says is safe. I suppose the traditional topic here is "tell me about your day" after work. Sit next to him on the sofa, ask him about work, and let him finish. Then say something like "Well, I just hope they know how lucky they are you're there. I know how lucky I am that you're here." Slide up so you're sitting in his lap and start kissing him.
In sum, if you want him to talk more, be sure he has positive associations with talking.
It shows a high level of maturity and self awareness that you say the two of you "think differently." Often people like that collaborate to get to a terrific answer. However as you point out for that to happen both have to be willing to honestly speak their mind.
Why is he afraid to disagree with you?
Why is he afraid to even simply share a different view in a situation where perhaps there is no right and wrong answer?
Have you honestly talked to him about your feelings on this subject and his behavior?
How much of this problem is that he:
- Simply parrots back your view
- Is actually saying/doing stupid things when left to his own devices?
How did he act when you first met? Has this behavior gotten better or worse?
Do you think he is more confident at work then at home? If so is that because of the knowledge skillsets he has or is that because he is intimidated by you?
What is your delivery style like?
- Soft and tactful
- Polite but direct and clear
- Very blunt and perhaps sometimes harsh
Do you ever have a situation where you treat him badly - maybe you had a bad day - not suggesting you are mean - and he just takes it and doesn't even call you on your behavior?
Is he ever cranky/difficult/combative with you?
Does he know that you think he is a smart person? When was the last time you told him and why?
Quote:
Originally Posted by memnum80
Thank you MEM11363 for the reply. I was hoping you would be one to reply. I've read a lot of your replies to the posts and think you have a lot of insight. A lot of the questions you posed to the others were right on in my case. I know my husband is not a stupid man at all. In fact at his job, he is very respected and looked at as the man to go to if you want to get something done. I just don't understand why I can't have that same man at home. But.....he does say and act in what my opinion is "stupid" for lack of a better word. And I am definitely not smarter than he is. It's just that we think different. I'm sure he thinks some of the things I do is stupid too but wouldn't dare tell me. It might help if he would. Because over time you will not respect a man you think is dumb. There's the insight I was talking about. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I definitely don't want to divorce. Not considering that at all.
It shows a high level of maturity and self awareness that you say the two of you "think differently." Often people like that collaborate to get to a terrific answer. However as you point out for that to happen both have to be willing to honestly speak their mind.
Why is he afraid to disagree with you? MY FEELING IS THAT HE HAS ALWAYS WANTED MY APPROVAL.Why is he afraid to even simply share a different view in a situation where perhaps there is no right and wrong answer? HE DOES SOMETIMES. BUT WHEN HE DOES IT ALWAYS COMES OFF LIKE HE IS TRYING TO FORCE THE CONFIDENCE IN HIS STATEMENT. EVEN THE KIDS HAVE COMMENTED ON IT BEFORE.
Have you honestly talked to him about your feelings on this subject and his behavior? MANY, MANY, MANY TIMES.How much of this problem is that he:
- Simply parrots back your view BIG YES - Is actually saying/doing stupid things when left to his own devices? NO, WHEN HE IS ON HIS OWN AND NOT AROUND ME I THINK HE IS MORE CONFIDENT IN HIMSELFHow did he act when you first met? Has this behavior gotten better or worse? WHEN WE FIRST MET, HE WAS JUST LIKE THIS. OVER ALL HIS BEHAVIOR HAS GOTTEN SOME BETTER THAN WHEN WE FIRST MET. Do you think he is more confident at work then at home?[I] BIG YES [/I]If so is that because of the knowledge skillsets he has or is that because he is intimidated by you? BECAUSE OF THE KNOWLEDGE SKILLSETS HE HAS CONCERNING HIS JOB.What is your delivery style like? [I]FOR THE MOST PART, I TRY TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS. ITS GOTTEN TO WHERE, I ONLY REALLY TALK IF HE ASKS QUESTIONS. AND I'D HAVE TO SAY AT TIMES MY DELIVERY STYLE HAS BEEN ALL THREE.[/I]- Soft and tactful
- Polite but direct and clear
- Very blunt and perhaps sometimes harsh
Do you ever have a situation where you treat him badly - maybe you had a bad day - not suggesting you are mean - and he just takes it and doesn't even call you on your behavior? I'M SURE HE WOULD ANSWER THAT WITH A YES. AND I PROBABLY DO. BUT SOMETIMES HE WILL ASK ME WHAT I CALL STUPID QUESTIONS. WHEN HE WANTS TO "TALK", I MOST ALWAYS LOOK AT THE FLOOR WHILE HE IS TALKING BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS AWARE OF HIM SCANNING MY EXPRESSION TO ADJUST WHAT HE IS SAYING TO ME.Is he ever cranky/difficult/combative with you? ONLY WHEN WE HAVE A "TALK" AND HE FORCES ME TO BE HONEST WITH HIM. THEN HE ACTS VERY INDIFFERENT AND COLD TO ME. AND I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND BUT DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE THINGS.Does he know that you think he is a smart person? YES. JUST THE OTHER DAY DURING A "TALK" I WAS TELLING HIM HOW I KNOW WHY ALL HIS CO-WORKERS AND BOSSES CALL HIM FOR EVERYTHING AND THAT'S BECAUSE HE IS VERY GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES AND IS THE GO TO GUY. When was the last time you told him and why?
I REALLY DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I JUST WANT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE HAPPY.
A good time to talk to teenagers is in the car, because that way you aren't making direct eye contact and they seem to feel freer to speak without their guard up.
Perhaps you could ask your husband to rub your back, or you could volunteer to rub his if he seems worn out by work, and then you could talk without eye contact, but it wouldn't involve any artificial body language (such as looking at the floor).
Another option might be to have something non-verbal to do, like knitting or needlepoint. That way you're looking at something else while he's talking. (For a steady supply of safe subjects, if he reads a newspaper, you can ask him to tell you if there's anything interesting while you're knitting or whatever. That way he's telling you stuff, since he's got the paper and you don't.)
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Re: husband not my best friend
hi memnum80, if you really want things to go around as you would like. theres a simpler way to do it, try giving your husband activities he likes, say, camping, outdoors, fishing and the sorts.. feel what he likes, and maybe, he'll return the favor by feeling yours too, that'll be a start of a good friendship between you two.
im a man, married for almost 10yrs. we, my wife, do everything together, she's my bestfriend and partner-in-crime. its a give and take relationship, and thats what i think, you should do.
try giving your husband activities he likes, say, camping, outdoors, fishing and the sorts.. feel what he likes, and maybe, he'll return the favor by feeling yours too, that'll be a start of a good friendship between you two.
i think your H is talking to you that way because he's trying to show interest in something he's not interested in. Maybe he picked up some advice that parroting back information is a good way for someone to feel understood, which in general is true.
my H and i have had similar issues and i did get condescending myself, once. My H is far from stupid, but i guess i started competing with him out of low self-esteem, or something. Now i focus more on what he's good at and what he likes and not how he compares with what i like.
I agree with James. But I think you should find more activities that both of you like to do together. That might help open up the lines of discussion-and get you to start talking to him more.
Now, one of the mistakes that many people make in marriage is that they expect everything to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. If you don't feel like your husband is your best friend, then realize that the operative word is "feel."
Feelings come and feelings go. By default, your marriage dictates that you are best friends whether you feel like it or not. This is because you share everything ( I hope), ups and downs, arguments, reconciliation, family, finances, etc. --Every day!
Don't put so much pressure on your marriage expecting that the room will light up with magic every time you are together. Many people refer to this kind of magical experience as "chemistry." Lots of people have "chemistry." But you know what? That can blow up. If you are both stable and love each other, then keep loving each other. Don't force things with unrealistic expectations and you will be fine. Works for me.
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Just FYI, I Lost my hearing and then got it back. All the best, Wil
husband not my best friend 
