The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)
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Old 12-18-2009, 06:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Its Day 3 of The Love Dare. Day 1 was "say nothing negative", then Day 2 was "an act of kindness". I saw my wife Day 1 - this Wed - after she has been gone at her mom's for over a week now - and Day 1 dare was fine. Then on Day 2, she had a 10 hour drive and I met her and gave her a cloth bag full of healthy snack foods and made her PB cracker sandwiches - all I said when I met her that morning at Starbucks was "this is for you, its a long drive be safe". Now it Day 3 - the dare is buy her something that shows I am thinking about her. She has asked me not to contact her and I have not been, even forgoing my habit of 5 years of telling her "good morning, I love you" and "goodnight, I love you" even by text when we were apart. I am committed to what the book teaches, at this point: patience, kindness. I not sure how to handle Day 3 though, without upsetting her.

Thanks, for any thoughts you might like to share.

Janner
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Stop wasting your time reading books and checking off their useless lists. The time for that passed a long time ago. I've never read the book you are referring to but, most likely any of the "dares" given in that book are things that you should do on a regular basis. Relationships don't have manuals nor do they follow flow-charts.

Start listening....no start HEARING what you've been ignoring for so long. Then, if you are truly in love and dedicated to saving your relationship, show her through your behavior. Promises, words and an entire library of books on relationship advice mean nothing compared to your actions.
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Old 12-18-2009, 09:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Thinking about this logically, just because you buy her something that doesn't mean you have to give it to her right away. You could buy her something and give it to her the next time you see her.

It shouldn't be something expensive: it should be something that you know she really likes and/or wants and/or would like/want.
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Old 12-18-2009, 10:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Its not just about buying her something. Its trying to teach you to think of her every day. Just when your out buy something that says I was thinking about you.

Cellar wow what a way to jump to conclusions. It is about teaching you to be a better man/women to your spouse. The dares will over time change how you interact but hey judging by how you jump to conclusions I see your perfect.
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Old 12-18-2009, 11:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. I did not intend to jump to conclusions, but based my advice on Janner's prior postings. I know, just by him seeking advice here, that he truly wants to save his relationship. He has been so honest and forthcoming in sharing his feelings and regrets. I hope someday he shows his partner what he has written here as it demonstrates how badly he loves her and wants to make this relationship work.

Janner requested help here, so I did my best in giving him my honest advice from a female point of view. He can accept or reject it, just as you can.

His journey is about finding true happiness and understanding, which is basically what we all are trying to do in our lives. We can all learn from one another here.

Most men in my opinion, find specific guidance or a "check-list" helpful to keep themselves focused on the needs of maintaining a good relationship. And, if that is what the book in which he was referring does, it can be an invaluable tool. My only thought is not to put the book down after the rough waters have passed. Keep following it through the good times as well.

Most women, in my opinion, tend not to express their expectations in a clear and direct manner (at least until their frustration culminates in a blow-up,) resulting in an expectation for their partner to be a clairvoyant. Rather than a book for women to follow, I think men should post a clearly visible sign in their homes stating, "I am not a mind reader."

I completely agree with Loving Husband in his statement, "It's trying to teach you to think of her every day." Just remember that the "every day" means EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
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Old 12-18-2009, 11:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

If you have an agreement not to contact each other, I would keep that promise.

I like the comment about buying her something, but giving it to her later.

Why not something that is time or date stamped...to complete the idea that you have stuck to your plan.

A watch, set at the time/date, or write her a letter and seal it today.....again, this is not about money, its following through and your effort.

For what it is worth, its true a book etc isn't going to fix your marriage, but what I see is that you seem to be trying, personally, I think that is very meaningful.

None of us are perfect but its effort and real actions, however silly that mean something, to me at least.

Best, Kes
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Old 12-18-2009, 02:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Perhaps I should have been more straight forward in my post. I know all of what you have said. I wasn't looking for philosophical discussions - my apologies for not being clearer. What I literally meant was I was thinking of getting her a card congratulating her on getting As in all her classes and As on all her finals - she went back to college.

I know a book is a book. I am reading The Love Dare because is Christ based and the fundamentals are found in the Bible: patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, etc.

Again, my apologies for not being clear in what I wanted. I was literally looking for some ideas: card, flowers, etc. Something that was appropriate for the situation. And yes, this Day 3 dare is important. It is a manifestation of thoughtfulness. Day 1 is patience. Day 2 is kindness.

To whom it may concern: Please do not knock a book if you have not read the book. This is not offense, please understand, its sincere advice.

The whole issue in our relationship is me. It was my inability to cope this year with a failed business I owned for 15 years, lost savings, losing our home, losing our cars, starting a new job, getting 2 pay cuts, being sued by everyone on the planet and moving to my wife's home town where I know no one. The list is actually longer - you have all been spared its length.

I was there for my wife in my heart but not in my words or sufficient action. In the end regardless of reason there was no excuse to let me family down. It will never happen again.

On a softer side, I truly appreciate all your thoughts and kind comments. Yes, marital strife is extremely troubling, but with truth, belief and faith two people can remember they love each other.

My best,
Janner
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Old 12-18-2009, 03:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

This issue with relationships is pretty easy in fact. We all do it. I had major issues with my marriage. Even if 90% were my wife. A marriage on the rocks is just that. Here is what everybody does wrong. We tend to take advantage of our spouse cause we cansider them there all the time.. No matter what happens they will be there. We fail to nurture the marriage treat it special like we did when we first started dating. If you notice you end up being nicer to co-workers then your spouse. The preson you commited to love all the time regardless of life's issues. The Love Dare book is a great tool to refocus on what is important. It's to teach you to love unconditional love since that is the greatest love. Just so you know I have a problem doing it myself. It's the human side of me. I want to feel loved and get frustrated if I don't. It's hard to give and not receive.


It takes 2 to have a relationship but it takes 1 to get the ball rolling..



BTW: I gave my wife roses on day 3. She liked them but said she wants flowers not only during bad times.

You won't notice or she won't notice a change until day 20's. Thats when it gets hard...
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Old 12-18-2009, 04:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loving Husband View Post
This issue with relationships is pretty easy in fact. We all do it. I had major issues with my marriage. Even if 90% were my wife. A marriage on the rocks is just that. Here is what everybody does wrong. We tend to take advantage of our spouse cause we cansider them there all the time.. No matter what happens they will be there. We fail to nurture the marriage treat it special like we did when we first started dating. If you notice you end up being nicer to co-workers then your spouse. The preson you commited to love all the time regardless of life's issues. The Love Dare book is a great tool to refocus on what is important. It's to teach you to love unconditional love since that is the greatest love. Just so you know I have a problem doing it myself. It's the human side of me. I want to feel loved and get frustrated if I don't. It's hard to give and not receive.


It takes 2 to have a relationship but it takes 1 to get the ball rolling..



BTW: I gave my wife roses on day 3. She liked them but said she wants flowers not only during bad times.

You won't notice or she won't notice a change until day 20's. Thats when it gets hard...
Thanks. I mean that...
Janner
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Old 12-19-2009, 06:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

I thought I would let all of you know what happened last night.

I sent my wife a text and asked her to meet me for just a moment later that afternoon. She replied yes she would after work. She asked where would I like to meet. I replied "would you like to get some coffee? or a drink?". I knew she would choose coffee, but I wanted her to feel like what ever she chose was fine. She replied coffee and we met at Starbucks.

Earlier, after work, I went to Publix (our supermarket - very nice one) and bought two cards and red roses. The first was a fun, music card "Whomp there it is" that said "You did it" and inside I wrote congratulations to her for her exams and making the dean's list - not bad for a woman who is 36 and went back to school. In the other card I sat down and wrote what I felt, truthfully, in my heart. It took up the inside, both sides, and the back. Maybe some day I will post what I wrote here. I chose that particular card because when we dated, before being married in 2006, we would chat on Yahoo (back in the day) and we would always end with one of us typing "hugs" and the other would type "kisses". The outside of the card was cute, it was an octopus and said something about I'd hug you with all eight arms if I could but it would freak you out - on the inside it only had one word "hugs", just under it I wrote "and kisses".

When she arrived, I already had her favorite coffee. We sat, and I gave her the congrats card and she liked it - it was pretty cool. Then I told her the flowers were for her, of course she knew that, and gave her the other card with my letter. She read the letter. She will have to tell you how she felt when she read what I wrote to her. But I will say we then spent the next two hours talking to each other in a kind sincere, genuine, and I believe "caring loving way". We honestly and openly communicated what we thought, felt, feared and what was in our hearts. It was perhaps the the most meaningful time I have ever spent with her, except for holding her hands and taking our vows.

I have prayed this year many times that God would give us a fresh start, by completely erasing all the negatives of the past and allowing us to let of go of certain things, by giving us an opportunity to start over. Both of us believe that is what has happened in our life.

We have a lot to do, and mostly I have a lot of work. I have vowed in my life, and to her, to be a better man each day. You should know, the vows I give to her are and have been the most serious things I hold in my heart.

Well, I am sure I written far too much now, and I would like to have some coffee and read Love Dare to learn my lesson for today and when my daughter finally decides to rise and shine to play Santa before she is offer to see her grandparents this afternoon.

God bless you all for being here.

Janner
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Old 12-19-2009, 03:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

It's a great book, my wife and I are doing it together. I gave her roses and fed her chocolate covered strawberries that I made just for her. She gave me a new wedding band with a special engraving inside.

Janner, I feel your pain and I will be praying for you.
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Old 12-19-2009, 04:03 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Hey Janner...I did the book......and you do not have to get all the dares in exact order.....points for the effort in this one. I am so glad it is working for you. It didn't for me. It made me a better person......but I wasn't the real problem. I finally had to accept that he was. He left me and married the woman he was having an affair with the week we got our divorce papers.

Enough about me.....all I really wanted to say was that I pray it keeps getting better for you and more men should read that book....women too. Today we aren't taught how to love....just thrown out there in this selfish world and told that what ever we want is what we need to do. KEEP IT UP.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 12-19-2009, 07:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Denise it did work for you.. It made you a better more caring person and that is what it's about. The outcome wasn't what you wanted though. It's not always about what you want. you know what i mean.

Janner dont stop the book. It needs to go everyday to help you be a better husband..
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Old 12-20-2009, 12:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

its tough, she was nice to me Saturday, then we texted last night - but today is driving (10 hour drive) to drop off her girls to see their dad... I sent her a note "good morning I hope you slept well" at 7:30am and then before lunch "how is your drive" then called her 20 mins ago (1:20pm here) and it went to voice mail on the 4th ring - I dont want to think so but I think she saw who it was and pressed end - otherwise it would have run longer - or if she was on the phone it would have gone to voice mail after the 1st ring... throw on top of that that after church - for the last3 hours I have been at buy-here pay-here lots trying to find a car - my Escalade has to go back unfortunately - cant afford to keep it.

its been a very hard day so far
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Old 12-20-2009, 09:01 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Love Dare Book - its now Day 3 ... (I am doing this - need help)

Three contacts in one day while she's making a 10-hour drive? She didn't answer the one at lunch and you fired off another less than two hours later? That's slipping over into "annoyance" with an aftertaste of "needy" and a faint aroma of "high maintenance".
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