breaking up after 20 years together

1980olds · 12-22-2009, 08:52 AM

Hello Everyone,
I am new here and I am looking for advice. after 20 years with the only man I have ever loved or been with. we are now separated and I never imagined it would be this difficult. we have never really had the best relationship but I did and do still love him. we never married but lived as though we were. we have 2 children 13 and 7. the 13 year old hates him and never wants to see him again. the worst of it all started a year ago. we got into several fights over a pending surgery I was having. the fights were very verbaly abusive but he took it to a very dangerous level. he started being suicial and at one point had acctually pulled out and loaded a gun to kill himself. he started drinking and combining it with his medications. I found on the home computer that he was looking fofr ways to kill himself by mixing deadly combinations of his medications. I did confront him about this and asked him to get help. he did and after 2-3 sessions he asked me to come along because he said it would help. I did go but in the firts session I tried to talk about his behaviour but this guy cut me off and said they talked about it and that my now EX knew what to do if he felt that way again. then we only talke about finances and the kids and only saw the guy 2 times. I am not one who likes to air my dirty laundry to strangers and at the time I was still very hurt by things my EX said during our fights and I admitt I was not ready to fully opern up to this marriage councelor. since counceling my EX as still been very self distructive and had again pulled out a gun to end his life. I do not know how to handle this and everyone I talked to about this has told me it's not my problem, but it is. now his anger and depression I feel is being directed more and more at me to were I felt he was trying to fight with me over anything yet nothing. he has gone so far as to start a fight over me not asking him how he was one evening after work. then flipping out aver my car breaking down. granted the guys been under stress over an ill parent. but I have been as supportive as I know how to be in that situation and trying not to add my stress to his. now I have had to have him removed from our home out of fear that he amy harm me or the kids. I know that I have hurt him severly but I still love this man and feel lost without him. can some one please help me?

jessi · 12-22-2009, 11:13 AM

Boy this sounds a little dangerous for you, he seems a little over the top, he needs to go back to the doctor and figure out if his meds are working like they should. Maybe tell him that the door is not closed, if he finds the help he needs you would be willing to stick by him. He needs to work on himself before he drags you and the kids through hell.....I'm sure he is a different man when he is more in control...don't give up, get him the help he needs and assure him you want to help him through this, even if you don't get back together he will be a better man for your children....
good luck and keep hoping for the best, work on yourself as well
I'm sending a hug your way......

1980olds · 12-22-2009, 12:02 PM

Thanks Jessi, problem is I can't talk to him for 2 years now. there is a court order. I was affraid of the kids or I getting hurt and was advised to get a protection order. during the time of him being removed from the house and the court date I found out from his sister that he had attempted to dring Anti-freeze and took a bunch of pills even though he has been seeing that same councelor who is a marriage counselor. I have attempted to reach out to him but everyone tells me not to. he is coming to get some of his belongings tomorrow with the police. I want to be able to talk to him but I don't know if I will be aloud or if it's even a good idea.

Corpuswife · 12-22-2009, 09:56 PM

Good for you in protecting your kids!

Write down, on paper, what you would like to tell him.

The best thing you can do is allow him to get the help he needs. All the while, keeping your family safe.

He is unstable and a threat to himself and others. Keep him at a distance.

You can't fix him. He needs to do it for himself.

sisters359 · 12-22-2009, 10:42 PM

It sounds like he is mentally ill and there really is nothing you can do to help him at this point. Your job is to protect your kids and yourself, and you've done that. He may or may not recover. You have no way of knowing. I encourage you to move on with your life b/c the future is so uncertain. This means finding out who you are now, as a single-mom-with-kids. It does NOT mean, you are free to find a new man. You need lots of time to mourn the loss of the love you had, as though he had died. You need time to adjust to single parenthood. You need time to enjoy all that you discover about yourself and your life once the painful sense of loss has diminished. Of course you will miss him--you love him. But as anyone who has ever lost a loved one for any reason knows: you get past it. You really do. Be gentle and kind to yourself, as though you would be to a friend mourning the loss of her partner. Keep looking for support (here AND in real life). Read and ask people how they get over such a loss. There are many things that help. God bless.

1980olds · 12-23-2009, 04:42 AM

Thanks everyone, it's going to be a hard day. he is coming to get some of his stuff. I know he does not see what I saw. I am affraid he never will and won't get the help he needs. I am taking steps to get through this. I have an appointment with a therapist today but it's not until after I will see him.

Corpuswife · 12-23-2009, 07:24 AM

It's great that you are meeting a therapist today.

It may help you sort some things out and vent.

I wish you the best.

jessi · 12-23-2009, 07:43 AM

Be safe and just understand that we can't always control everything, he needs to help himself, don't feel any guilt, you did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your children....
Get the help you need, he will have to help himself.
good luck and my thoughts will be with you today.
I agree write him a note if you feel you need to say anything to him

1980olds · 12-23-2009, 10:48 AM

well I was just looking back at some stuff I posted with a different user name "want2bfree" and it's like wow! I was so right about things not getting better. I did go to counseling two times with him but we never got past the finances and kids and the guy thought we didn't need to come back. we never got to the root of the issuse and I don't think he really talked about his selfdistructive behavior because he is still doing it. the only difference from february to now is, I have opened my eyes and can say I do still love him and care about him. only now I don't think I can fix it.

1980olds · 12-23-2009, 07:19 PM

Okay,
went to the therapist today only got as far as what happend to cause the split. I go back next week.
he came to get his clothes and the sheriff let us talk. It felt good to talk to him. this whole thing is blown out of proportion but I think he understands what happened and why I reacted the way I did. I told him I still love him and he said he does too. now for some baby steps and more couseling. we both don't want to end up here again next year. it was amazing that we seemed to be feeling the same things. I think there is hope after all.