and this is a letter from morten fertel i got recently it hit me like a brick and kinda fits how i see things now with me and my wife but she isnt making no steps in either direction right now either.
A woman who just discovered that her husband
cheated on her for many years recently asked me a
She said, "My husband apologized 100 times,
stopped his affair, and is committed to being a
new man. I see he's changed. But wouldn't I be
better off divorcing him and starting fresh with
someone new?"Besides im scared of being hurt again.
I can understand her point of view.
Right now in her marriage there's so much pain,
baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. The same
is probably true in your marriage, whether the
issue is infidelity or something else like trust or verbal abuse.
Is it possible to come back once the trust is
broken? Benjamin, can you heal from your
ordeal? Or maybe it just makes sense to just
start over with someone else?
Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional
hardships) believe that they'll be safer in a
relationship with someone who never cheated on
them or hurt them. I completely understand this
FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE is most likely true.
In the case of the woman above, it appears that
her husband really changed. And I've seen many
people transform themselves after getting the "I
want a divorce" wake up call. Unless her husband
is a pathological liar or a sex addict, he's LESS
LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to
someone whose track record is clean or only had a short
break in time from it once or twice before. In other
words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they're
LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than
someone who's never erred in that way before.
According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the
University of Chicago, about 25 percent of
married men and 17 percent of married women in
the United States ADMIT to having been
unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass'
research suggests it is probably closer to 25
percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men!
That means that starting from scratch gives the
above woman a 50% chance of finding another
husband who will be faithful.And if your spouse is 100%
faithful then you got something most do not get in life.
Now let me ask you this, at this point
in this woman's husband's life, given all he's
been through and learned, what are the chances
that he'll screw up again? If this woman gave him
another chance, what's the likelihood that he'd
make the same mistake that almost caused him to
lose his family years before? In my opinion, it's
dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it's
slim to none providing he has had enough time away
to actually see and understand im not talking one or two
weeks but a month or more so he reflects in a true manor..
Let me clarify that I'm talking in this case
about a man who truly transformed himself and
succeeded to prove that he's changed. I'm NOT
talking about someone who continually makes empty
If this woman were to leave her husband, I think
Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this
sort of thing would never happen to her again.
Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years
and years for their spouse to wake up and change
their ways. Then when they finally do it, they're
told it's too late.
I understand why someone would feel, after being
cheated on, for example, that "it's too late."
But the fact of the matter is that they're about
to walk away from a person who is FINALLY
prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse and might
be the one person they really do click with in life.
In my experience, it's these people, people who
have made serious mistakes, people who have had
the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST
spouses and are capable, more than anyone else,
of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.
Do you see the irony here?
The mistakes that ruin relationships are those
that transform the sinners into people capable of
the most outstanding relationships. The
unfortunate thing for the victim is that they
don't know how to heal from the hurt that would
enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.
So the roles become reversed. The person who was
ruining the relationship stands ready to
transform it; while the person who wanted to work
on the relationship all along becomes the cog in
the wheel that inhibits true love.
In other words, the woman above has a choice. If
she lets her husband go, he'll most likely fall
in love with another woman and treat her like a
queen. He'll be the husband to his new wife that
the woman above always wanted him to be to her.
I've seen it happen way to often in my job. Some lucky
women owes a poor victim a lot of gratitude. But this
woman has another option. She could forgive her
husband and become that lucky woman!
The question is: how do you heal from your
ordeal? How do you forgive? How do you get to the
head-space where you're able to give your spouse
another chance? Its not always easy for some but its worth it.
now that is something to read and think on for a lot of people i wish my wife could see it without recentment or anger or feeling like im pushing her but no clue how to do that one