what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

Im asking this to see what kind of thoughts and ideas and advise comes from this question.
So my question is what signs should be there or should look for that your spouse really dont want a divorce or to move on with things??
I ask this cause in three months i have been kicked out she hasnt filed yet she says she is going to and now seems to be ok with other things that she wasnt when she set out on this path and didnt do anything about childsupport or anything else when she had the chance , so id like to hear what signs are there to look for that the spouse doesnt want the divorce or isnt sure it is what they may really want and why if they dont want it are they almost totally closed off to you ???
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

must have been a tough question or one people dont want to answer it seems i found something people dont have any thoughts on
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

I don't have an answer...but you only gave people 12 minutes to comment. Be patient...I'm sure there are people out there with input....just not on the boards right now
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

Many of us have seen that our spouses are confused and committed to leaving on the one hand and yet unwilling to do the hard work to make the transition happen on the other...honestly it is not a sign either way as I see it - is she someone who usually thinks about the details or does she leave that to you? Is this behaviour consistent with who she is?
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

K that is an excellent point. Even if my husband did change his mind he would never be willing to do the work to get there. That fits his role throughout the relationship. I say if she was the take charge type she would get the ball rolling but if its the other way around and you took care of buisiness she probably assumes you will do it all. No matter whose idea it was.
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Old 12-27-2009, 04:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

Well that is a interesting post i have gotten so far the truth is i let her handle the things like bills and things like that , one of her things she didnt like but i felt i could trust her choices and always let her cause at the time it seemed like she liked to do it so i let it be that way
But she also knows i can take charge at any given time and make things happen fast and can handle anything i set out to do so it is kinda of a toss up on this we both can but i let her unless i needed to do it for some reason otherwise she handled things and i was content trusting her choices but the rolls could have been reversed and i wouldnt have minded it being more us then one or the other and that too is something i think she wants and wanted , atleast now i do
But the things that make me ask the question is this
its been 3 months she started paying on the retainer back in oct then just stopped as far as i can tell

she started talking to a mutual friend that lets me no things that she dont no i no and has started calling her to talk about things as well

she about a month ago reversed her choice and almost turned it on me as my fault that she wanted help with bills and such something she refused before saying she wanted to do it all on her own

then there is the sudden change in her useing my money out of the bank account that she dont use at all no more till the other day when she use to feel odd or against useing it .

a while ago she was throughing away flowers i sent and now she puts them in a vase on her computer.

we talk more and most of them are good now

she still is closed off to me in most ways but one day i did get her to answer one question on the phone and that was this
i asked her down the road is there a chance we can work things out and she said honestly i dont no right now i cant say yes i cant say no . I responded with well atleast its not a no and that means im still in contention and she said yes i have been trying to tell you this for a while and i said well why couldnt you just be blunt with me like you were today ? got no answer on that lol but hey what ever

So here i sit and there is lots more to it but those are some of the things i am seeing right now and wounder what the hell is going on through her mind or what to think about all these things or what , cause she didnt even go after childsupport when she had the chance to do so all though she gets more then enough now from me since im not a jerk and going to make it tough on her or the kids , that just isnt me
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Old 12-27-2009, 04:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

sorry I am finding your story a littel difficult to follow - if you get a chance post it - so that we can understand better...my H said I don't know for many months before he said no - never wants to hurt my feelings....just remember it is in her interest to keep you emotionally hooked in for as long as possible while she is making up her mind....sorry to be brutal
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Old 12-27-2009, 04:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

my story is posted but by now you probably would have to go to my page and find the threads there it is long and old and things go back and forth probably due to a push here and there on my part but and others that i cant control but its in here the hole thing , but the things in here are just some of the things that have me woundering and really im looking at that right now cause even she sees the changes in me but is scared to get hurt again and fears i could back slide into the old thing i had become over the last couple years , so i have to ask these things , and im fine with being emotionally hooked if she is thinking about things and being true for now but i will not give up on my family under no circumstances they deserve her and I to atleast try and i will try to do just that even if the road is alone for the most part
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Old 12-27-2009, 04:56 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

and this is a letter from morten fertel i got recently it hit me like a brick and kinda fits how i see things now with me and my wife but she isnt making no steps in either direction right now either.

Hi Benjamin,
A woman who just discovered that her husband
cheated on her for many years recently asked me a
great question.
She said, "My husband apologized 100 times,
stopped his affair, and is committed to being a
new man. I see he's changed. But wouldn't I be
better off divorcing him and starting fresh with
someone new?"Besides im scared of being hurt again.
I can understand her point of view.
Right now in her marriage there's so much pain,
baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. The same
is probably true in your marriage, whether the
issue is infidelity or something else like trust or verbal abuse.
Is it possible to come back once the trust is
broken? Benjamin, can you heal from your
ordeal? Or maybe it just makes sense to just
start over with someone else?
Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional
hardships) believe that they'll be safer in a
relationship with someone who never cheated on
them or hurt them. I completely understand this
FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE is most likely true.
In the case of the woman above, it appears that
her husband really changed. And I've seen many
people transform themselves after getting the "I
want a divorce" wake up call. Unless her husband
is a pathological liar or a sex addict, he's LESS
LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to
someone whose track record is clean or only had a short
break in time from it once or twice before. In other
words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they're
LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than
someone who's never erred in that way before.
According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the
University of Chicago, about 25 percent of
married men and 17 percent of married women in
the United States ADMIT to having been
unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass'
research suggests it is probably closer to 25
percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men!
That means that starting from scratch gives the
above woman a 50% chance of finding another
husband who will be faithful.And if your spouse is 100%
faithful then you got something most do not get in life.
Now let me ask you this, at this point
in this woman's husband's life, given all he's
been through and learned, what are the chances
that he'll screw up again? If this woman gave him
another chance, what's the likelihood that he'd
make the same mistake that almost caused him to
lose his family years before? In my opinion, it's
dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it's
slim to none providing he has had enough time away
to actually see and understand im not talking one or two
weeks but a month or more so he reflects in a true manor..
Let me clarify that I'm talking in this case
about a man who truly transformed himself and
succeeded to prove that he's changed. I'm NOT
talking about someone who continually makes empty
promises.
If this woman were to leave her husband, I think
Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this
sort of thing would never happen to her again.
Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years
and years for their spouse to wake up and change
their ways. Then when they finally do it, they're
told it's too late.
I understand why someone would feel, after being
cheated on, for example, that "it's too late."
But the fact of the matter is that they're about
to walk away from a person who is FINALLY
prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse and might
be the one person they really do click with in life.
In my experience, it's these people, people who
have made serious mistakes, people who have had
the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST
spouses and are capable, more than anyone else,
of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.
Do you see the irony here?
The mistakes that ruin relationships are those
that transform the sinners into people capable of
the most outstanding relationships. The
unfortunate thing for the victim is that they
don't know how to heal from the hurt that would
enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.
So the roles become reversed. The person who was
ruining the relationship stands ready to
transform it; while the person who wanted to work
on the relationship all along becomes the cog in
the wheel that inhibits true love.
In other words, the woman above has a choice. If
she lets her husband go, he'll most likely fall
in love with another woman and treat her like a
queen. He'll be the husband to his new wife that
the woman above always wanted him to be to her.
I've seen it happen way to often in my job. Some lucky
women owes a poor victim a lot of gratitude. But this
woman has another option. She could forgive her
husband and become that lucky woman!
The question is: how do you heal from your
ordeal? How do you forgive? How do you get to the
head-space where you're able to give your spouse
another chance? Its not always easy for some but its worth it.

now that is something to read and think on for a lot of people i wish my wife could see it without recentment or anger or feeling like im pushing her but no clue how to do that one
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Old 12-27-2009, 05:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

sure is - I love statistics!
why don't you just post the link to your story so that I can read it?
who has cheated?
has anyone cheated?
how does this story from MF apply to you?
K
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Old 12-27-2009, 05:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

Well if she isn't pulling the trigger, why not gently force the issue and announce that you intend to return home on a certain day. If she wants you to stay out of the house, she has to stop you.

Tell her it's a two stage deal. You'll move in and live as normal as you can, and basically prove you're a better man, better husband, better father. But you'll sleep on the couch the whole time.

She'll have three months to decide whether or not she wants to accept that you're a better guy and take you back to bed. Or failing that, you're just going to accept that you've done your best and screwed things up so bad that it's over... and you'll start the divorce.


Oh and this plan kinda hinges on you being a better man, better husband, better father.
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Old 12-27-2009, 05:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

Quote:
Originally Posted by knortoh View Post
sure is - I love statistics!
why don't you just post the link to your story so that I can read it?
who has cheated?
has anyone cheated?
how does this story from MF apply to you?
K
well i will post that in a second on my story its long and probably tedious since i wasnt half as clear minded as i am now and im still not clear minded in a lot of ways either but no one has cheated atleast not from my end and she says there isnt no other man and doesnt want another one till she can be complete sure on things between us , so im trusting her in that , but if you read the letter close it doesnt have to be cheating it can be emotional behavior to verbal abuse to neglect or anything dont matter the reasons the story is still the same when someone truely learns they stand a chance of having what they always wanted out of them and instead that person at fault is now standing ready and the one clogging the wheels of the relationship could be the victim who now could have all they wanted out of there partner.
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Old 12-27-2009, 05:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atholk View Post
Well if she isn't pulling the trigger, why not gently force the issue and announce that you intend to return home on a certain day. If she wants you to stay out of the house, she has to stop you.

Tell her it's a two stage deal. You'll move in and live as normal as you can, and basically prove you're a better man, better husband, better father. But you'll sleep on the couch the whole time.

She'll have three months to decide whether or not she wants to accept that you're a better guy and take you back to bed. Or failing that, you're just going to accept that you've done your best and screwed things up so bad that it's over... and you'll start the divorce.


Oh and this plan kinda hinges on you being a better man, better husband, better father.
I like the thought process here on that just not sure it can be done as for the house we rented from her dad and she told me she wasnt coming back if i didnt leave but would like to bring the children back to there home so she asked me to so i did out of respect to her and my kids and that was 3 months ago so im not sure if that is still a possible thing to do and my story will be posted next but there is also a new post explaining these new posts in other sections i think its going through divorce and seperation , and its the new things that brought me on here today and that is what has me lost right now on things
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Old 12-27-2009, 05:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

need serious advise not giving up but this is the deal


that is just some of it i have a lot of my story on here a hole lot of it actually
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Old 12-27-2009, 05:45 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off

There is no way to tell if someone is serious about a divorce or not. If they are bluffing or waiting on financial resources or having second thoughts....

Don't try to be a mind reader. Just go on with your life and set your boundaries with your wife. If you have changed, then keep proving it. This change will take months to register.

There are no guarantees but just find your way on your own. Don't wait for her. Don't coddle her. Become the most attractive person and you will reap the benefits-with or without her.
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