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Newly Separated... Again!

9K views 75 replies 12 participants last post by  cpt_confused 
#1 ·
On December 6th. of 2009, my wife moved out. She had only told me that this was going to move out about four days earlier. This is the second time that she has moved out in two years. I've tried to be understanding and just roll with the punches, but it's always easier said than done.

Although she lives about 5 minutes up the road, it's like we are miles if not towns apart. She had mentioned to me that she does not want a divorce and that she only needs time so that she can "find herself." So here we are, amid this time of economic uncertainty, living in two separate homes.

She has asked me if she could spend the night with me once and that was it. She treats me as if we had only come into each other's lives about a week ago. I live in our home with my children from a previous marriage.

It gets more and more lonely everyday. I have no clue as to if she will return or not. She doesn't give me any answers to any of the questions that I've asked. She either shrugs her shoulders or just says that she doesn't know. I've asked her if she felt that moving out was the right thing to do, and her reply was, "I don't know." I'm lost, confused, and lonely. I have no idea where this so-called "relationship" is going... or if it is going anywhere. I'm afraid that by the time that I figure it out, time and opportunities for me to move on will have passed.

I know that no one here knows me, and only one side of the story is presented. I have spent time reading so many posts by others and I don't feel so alone anymore when it comes to my issues. In fact, there are so many who are going through almost an identical situation as I am.

One of the things that really get to me... is when a woman just wants to get up and leave, it's always justified. When a man does it, then more than likely, there must be another woman involved somewhere. It's my belief that it doesn't matter which sex just decides one day to just up and leave. If you don't see the downfall of your relationship on the horizon and "D" Day hits... the pain is still the same.
 
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#41 ·
Thank you very much CW and knortoh. I have just come to the conclusion that I am not going to live my life as a victim. I cannot say this enough, but time is way too short. I need to worry about the things that I can change... not about the things that I cannot change. If there is anything that I have learned over the years and from reading everyone's posts... you cannot change the other person. No matter how many tears you cry, feelings you share, or acts of love that you give... there is no changing the other person. They can only change themselves, and they are the ones who have to want it just as bad.

We are all hear because we are victims. Victims of circumstance and broken hearts. Our relationships torn, tattered, and even shredded. At some point in time, we have to pull out the sewing kit and begin the mending process. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure as hell not going to live like I did.
 
#47 ·
Thank you so much for the compliment LHF. I am really happy that the words that I offer can give thought and strength. I too have learned so much from reading the posts of others. Surely, I value everyone who is within this community and their experiences.

I hold my head high and weather to storm because I wasn't given much of a choice and I am surely not going to show any signs of weakness. Thank you again.
 
#48 ·
That's all we have DS, is our integrity and values. If our spouses don't see it or care than there is nothing we can do. I will weather this storm with grace, humility and a sense of honor.

I will show my daughter what it is to be a good person and a better father. That's all I can do.
 
#50 ·
When you really think about, what else can we do? What other road do we have to travel on? If we are to press onward, be a positive role model for our children, find a way to live everyday the best that we can, and become an example for others... then this is the only path that we can take.

We all carry the pain of a broken marriage and family, but that doesn't mean that the sun will not shine for us ever again. Sometimes in life... a little rain must fall. There are so many others who depend on us, care about us, and love us. Losing the love of one should not be the reason to turn away the love of so many others.

My kids write me letters telling me how much they love me and how we will get through this together. How can I not listen to what they are telling me and want to keep moving forward? Why would I let them down? They are victims also.

Sometimes, we cannot see the bigger picture. Sometimes we are drowning in our sorrows so much that we forget how others are also feeling. The choice to move forward is not a choice that we've freely made. It was a choice that was made for us... handed to us by the ones who we loved most... our spouse.
 
#51 ·
Sometimes, we cannot see the bigger picture. Sometimes we are drowning in our sorrows so much that we forget how others are also feeling. The choice to move forward is not a choice that we've freely made. It was a choice that was made for us... handed to us by the ones who we loved most... our spouse.
I agree and I'm really having a hard time seeing the bigger picture DS. Hopefully I too will be able to quit drowning in sorrow and move forward.

It just feels like it will never happen at this point. Today I feel kind of like a car that is stuck in the mud and just spinning it's wheels.
 
#52 ·
The weather is warmer and you can surely get out now Notaclue. This is something that you are going to have to do. Being chained to her leg isn't going to do you much good right now. Whatever it is that she is going through... you have no other choice than to let her go through it.

It's a sad thing to have happen to any family, but you can't beat yourself up all day over it. You can't let it destroy you.
 
#55 ·
Hey DS-

I know others have said this quite a few times, but I wanted to say also that your words give hope and show that we can achieve life after this.

I have been separated for almost a year now and regardless of everything that has happened, that did happen in the marriage I was still holding out hope. For what? Is it even really something that I want? Or was it simply b/c I was scared that that relationship was all I would ever have?

Your words are so spot on when you say we can't always see the bigger picture. We can't, your right. Because maybe if I could/did see the bigger picture, maybe if you could or others on here, we would be very thankful for the pain we are going through now rather than an even worse disaster later, who's to know?

Thanks again for your words. And while it is still tough, there is always hope.
 
#56 ·
Thank you so much Ash. I can't thank you and everyone else enough. I am truly humbled.

When my wife left me the first time, for whatever reason... it was like someone yanked my spine right out of my back. When she came back, we never really discussed things. I thought that we could move forward by moving from where we lived to a nicer neighborhood and home. All that did was mask the root of the problem (and I still do not even know what that is).

This last time my wife left, I was hurt and numb at the same time. After about two weeks of feeling like total crap and useless, I started seeing things in a different light. I haven't looked back since. So I am really happy when I can offer a perspective or viewpoint that can help others.

After all... that's what we are all here for isn't it? To find others who can relate and to share a word of encouragement. Hopefully make a friend or two along the way.
 
#58 ·
Things are okay... thank you. There are a large number of Haitians arriving here in my area, and I have been helping out with the evacuees. I'm telling you... the devastation is clearly on their faces. Makes you really think about how fortunate we have it and how we need to make the most out of everyday.

I will be making a trip to Haiti for about 2 days soon. Things are about to get interesting.
 
#62 · (Edited)
Thank you all for keeping me in your prayers. I'm going to need them. The good people of Haiti need them more. So, I am sincerely thankful for your positive energy and taking my safety into consideration.

As I go from day to day, seeing things in a different light... I thought that I would share these things with my wife. I sat down one night and put together a rather lengthy email for her. I let her know that although I love her very much, I am okay with the choice if she doesn't decide to ever come back home. I no longer have the strength to sit here and feel sorry for myself and worry about whether or not she will ever love me like she did in years past. It just takes too much of my energy. I want for her to find the therapy that she needs and I do assist her in locating a counselor.

Make no mistake about it, I love my wife very much. I love my wife as much as anyone else here in this community loves their spouse. It's just that I cannot let anymore of my life be placed on hold. Maybe it's because of my friend surviving her operation with breast cancer, maybe it's due to the horrific images that we have all seen from the recent events in Haiti... all I know is that if I'm not living, then I'm dying. There's still a lot of life left to live.

My wife has been communicating with me a lot more than she has in the past. I think that some of that is because I have given her the space that she needs and I have not been holding onto her shirt tales trying to get her to look my way. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe this is for the best. She's been able to identify some deep down issues that she has with herself (many of them have developed from some events in her childhood), and she has been able to fully address her anger issues. She is getting the help that she needs and she has taken some pretty big steps. If the day comes where she wants to come back home, then that is another conversation that we can discuss. Right now, I want for her to get all the help that she needs to be able to handle herself.

I'll say that things are much better than what they were a month or so ago, but I've had to make changes also. I've had to learn to deal with myself and I've had nothing but time to reflect on issues that we never took the time to discuss. The both of us just took whatever it was that was bothering us and tucked it away somewhere. After awhile, after not addressing our issues, negative thoughts took over and the silence got deeper.

Sometimes, there are things that are beyond us that we may have to consider. We don't always see or remember what remains in the past, but those things surely seem to find a way to resurface years later. Sometimes... there's just nothing that we can do. It doesn't matter how hard we try... sometimes... our best just isn't good enough. The pain is real, and the thoughts of, "what if" will always persist. As much as it doesn't makes sense... sometimes, the answer is... there really isn't an answer.

No matter what, all we can do is just be the best that we can day in and day out and let the dust settle all on its own.
 
#66 ·
I've been asking myself that very same question. The statement is just as confusing to us as it is to them. Although, in some ways, they seems to find that it justifies the reason for them wanting to head out the door.

From what I have seen... that statement is usually tied into some deep personal insecurities that our spouses may have. Everything bothers them, their self esteem is low, they don't have the confidence that they have lead others to believe had existed, and the list goes on. The shut down and blame themselves and those close to them for their lack of personal faith.

I haven't quite put my finger on it, but so far... that's all I was able to come up with. I'm sure if you asked 100 people who have said this, you would get 100 different answers.
 
#69 ·
Thanks everyone for your positive thoughts, blessings, and wonderful words. I am here in Haiti and the weather right now is like a spring day back home in Florida. Thank goodness I have a MacBook!! It's hard to find a good WiFi signal anywhere, but I'm crafty, so I was able to find one.

Port-Au-Prince is beyond the imagination. I've been to some war torn nations before, but this is not like what I have experienced. The people have been wonderful for the most part... everyone is hungry and in need of water. I've given away three of my bottled waters to some of the children that I've seen walking around. There are pockets of violence in and around the city, so I am carrying a full 9mm handgun with me for my own personal safety. Actually, there are a lot of us carrying our own weapons! I'm a nice guy and all... but not an idiot.

I should be leaving here tomorrow morning and heading back home to the Orlando area. I am really happy that I am able to do something in helping the crews and teams here on the ground trying to find survivors and to make sure that the residents have food, water, and some type of shelter. There's a lot of work that needs to be done here.

This experience really has me thinking about what is important and just how fortunate we really are. My problems seem so tiny in comparison to what these residents are going through.
 
#72 ·
Thank you very much CW. Sometimes, the images on TV do not do a certain situation justice. Well, what I've just seen and experiences... this is surely one of those times. I'm thankful to be back and if anything, a little wiser.

During my time away, although short, it gave my wife some more time to think. We talked today for 4 hours. We haven't done that in quite awhile. So, although our issues were not resolved in one day, it felt good to be able to get some of the family business, feelings, and other things placed out on the table. Rome wasn't built in a day... but at least there is some communication starting to blossom.
 
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