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Old 01-03-2010, 06:44 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

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Originally Posted by Dreaded_Soulja View Post
Years ago, when couples got married... they were together until death. Marriage actually meant something. Now, it seems that marriage has been cheapened and that the meaning has been lost. It's become way to easy to back out of a commitment with little care or thought. One can have a bad day, and decide, "Okay, I'm outta here!" There is no more fight or struggle to make such relationships work. Everything is disposable... including marriage.
Sad isn't it? But true. I never dreamed I would be in the position I am in now, never thought it would happen to me, but life happened and everything just got in the way and people are so ready to throw in the towel so quickly and where does the leave us? We're the people that want to pick up the pieces that want it to work b/c some people actually believe in marriage, yet know it's almost a game. Do this don't do this. Say that maybe they will come back. etc, etc.

Somedays it feels like their are very few options for such a hard time as this.

Keep your head up. Maybe that's really the only option.
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Old 01-03-2010, 07:47 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

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Thats so true DS, marriage is disposable nowdays and the attorneys and courts want it that way. Really sad situation , stay strong. I am sorry your heart is so broken. Would you take her back after the second time ?
Notaclue, that is a great question, but I have to say honestly... I do not know. While she's off "finding herself", this has given me a lot of time to think. I have been pondering that if we do get to share a home again... there has to be some counseling. She needs to work out some issues within herself for when it comes to relationships.

I have to consider all options, after all, there are kids involved. That's not to say that I would throw myself into the fire just because of my kids and go through this a third time... but there would be a lot of things to discuss.
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Old 01-03-2010, 08:11 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

I had a thought a few years back while watching the NFL on ESPN. I came up with the idea that marriage should be like a sports contract. You can sign up for 3-5 years and at the end of three years, you can have an out clause if certain standards haven't been met. If you chose not to opt out, you can chose to go the rest of the contract but it's going to be loaded with incentives.

Just before the five years are up, you can either resign under a new contract or you can go into free agency. Lawyers will really try to get marriages to stay together then... especially if the marriage contract is loaded with incentives.

This way, we all know what we're getting into and there will be contractual obligations. Lawyers have made marriages a business, we might as well have them earn their keep!
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Old 01-05-2010, 02:51 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

After reading so many posts and replies the last few days, I thought that I would try something bold and daring. It would be against all the rules, but a huge gamble.

I called my wife this morning, and told her that I had a question for her. She had just got out of bed, so I said to her that when she was awake, we could talk about it then. She called me back and she had asked me what the question was. So now, my heart begins to race, and I had almost forgot what the question was that I was going to ask. Finally, I was able to get out the question. I had asked her if she loved me, but not in love with me. She thought about it for a quick second, but it seemed like ten minutes on my end.

She had told me that she loves me and that she is still in love with me. This was one of her deepest questions and she needed time away to find the answer for herself without me being in her "everyday" life.

I did tell her that I am not asking for her to come home anytime soon and that she needs to take all the time that she needs. I even told her that I am not sure if she would even come back home, and if not, then that is okay also.

I've come to terms with all of this. I'm not going to shed another tear over my situation. There are other victims besides myself. I love my wife deeply, but I am also aware of the fact that I am not the one who left and who did not communicate. I didn't leave her... she left me. And she left me over insecurities that she had in her head and failed to communicate them to me, but gladly shared them with her mother.

This is 2010. It's time for me to play hard ball and move on with... or without her. Either way, I plan to survive.
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Old 01-05-2010, 04:09 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Well DS,that sounds to me like there is some hope down the road for you and your wife. I guess you need to get to the bottom of why she leaves you and try to deal with those issues. You cetrtainly don't want to get back together and have her walk out in another 6 or 9 months..... At any rate I know from reading your well reasoned posts that you will make the right decision. Good Luck !
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Old 01-05-2010, 07:00 PM   #21 (permalink)
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DS

Glad to hear you have came to terms with this... I hope to be there soon.

We have to look out for ourselves, as now there is no one there to look out for us.... which may be a blessing in disguise..
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Old 01-05-2010, 07:54 PM   #22 (permalink)
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DS

Glad to hear you have came to terms with this... I hope to be there soon.

We have to look out for ourselves, as now there is no one there to look out for us.... which may be a blessing in disguise..
Thank you Notaclue and c_c... I didn't have much of choice but to come to terms with my situation. I could either be the victim or be the victor. I choose the latter.

There are so many stories here and the pain is deep and real. What we are going through is clearly beyond words, but the feelings are more than serious. There is so much advice by so many people here. Everyone here is qualified to share and to advise someone else about these situations.

Everyone on this board and within this group care enough about the other person... a complete stranger, enough to offer some positive words and to offer a welcoming hand. Like I've said before, I have found some strength in the words that were given to me and from what I have read that was meant for others. I'm finding some peace and it has to start with me.
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Old 01-07-2010, 05:20 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

How was your day DS ? Hope things are getting better for you.
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Old 01-07-2010, 08:06 PM   #24 (permalink)
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DS: You are a smart man. Giving her space and realizing that her conclusion may not be what you want.

It's a positive sign that she still has feelings for you.

The fact that you are reevaluating how you want the relationship to be treated...if she comes back is also smart.

No need in repeating the same behavior, as anothe poster said, down the line. MC is a must. Also she must be willing to commit to working on the relationship 100%.
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Old 01-07-2010, 10:15 PM   #25 (permalink)
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How was your day DS ? Hope things are getting better for you.
Hey there Notaclue, I'm doing okay. It's just another day in paradise. I still have my good days and my bad days, but all in all, I am taking the steps needed to feel good about myself look forward to better things.

I was hit with some horrible news the other day and it had me thinking. I am a professional gourmet chef. I went to culinary school and met a wonderful friend. She and I were like peas and carrots (Forrest Gump terminology). She was always like a baby sister to me. She is much younger than I am, but she was a good driving force to help push me through school. She was always a great friend. Well... during out externships, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's been a strong fighter and she has flat lined on the table during two separate occasions. Nevertheless, after all these years we have kept in touch. She knows me so well that at times it is almost uncanny.

Well, she moved away from Florida and settled with her family in South Carolina. She wrote me a good bye letter the other day. You see... she was about to undergo surgery. They were going to put her in a coma and do whatever it is that they were going to do. So, before she she had to leave to get rest for this procedure, she and I talked about the good times that we had in culinary school. She laughed and I felt better knowing that there is some healing power in laughter. When she said that she had to go, I didn't want to let her leave, but I knew that I had to.

Her mother has been in contact with me, letting me know how she is doing... and the news isn't so good. These next 24 hours are most critical. There was some internal bleeding and they were able to catch it. So, now she is in the ICU. My friends and I pray alongside her family.

I was thinking... here it is... this 25 year old woman filled with life and so many gifts gave everything she had. Not once did she give up. God knows that she has had every reason to... and there wouldn't be a jury who could convict her if she did. She stayed a true friend to me always honoring our friendship.

When my wife left me, it's almost like she knew... and she called me to see how I was doing. She knows my wife and she was also an associate of my wife. When I've told her that my wife left me, she still found a way to give me encouragement. I didn't know that she was as sick as she was at the time. Again, she found a way to pick me up, dust me off, and set me on the path again. Now, I kinda wish that I didn't do that. I would have liked for her to have had the memory of my wife and I together enjoying the holidays as a family. Instead, she knows that I was hurting and alone.

I try to make her strength my strength. Her pain is surely greater than mine. When I think back on so many of the posts that I have read, I think to myself how selfish these spouses are... and as to how easily they gave up. There are so many others out there making the most out of everyday that they have with their families. They share, cry, and love as one. And yet, here we are able minded with our futures ahead of us, and we do this alone.

I think that everyone should be thankful for the many blessings that we have... for the family that we have left. We have to seek out the positive and the good and build off of that. We have to make the most out of everyday that we have. Time is a commodity that we don't have a lot of. Life is too short to spend it miserable and sad.

Here it is, that I was without my wife during the holidays, and here my friend is possibly celebrating her last with her family. It makes a person think... about the here and the now.

So when I am asked as to how I am doing... my reply is, I'm doing just fine... thank you.
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Old 01-07-2010, 10:25 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Corpuswife View Post
DS: You are a smart man. Giving her space and realizing that her conclusion may not be what you want.

It's a positive sign that she still has feelings for you.

The fact that you are reevaluating how you want the relationship to be treated...if she comes back is also smart.

No need in repeating the same behavior, as anothe poster said, down the line. MC is a must. Also she must be willing to commit to working on the relationship 100%.
Thank you once again CW for your warm words and compliments. I have to say that after becoming a part of this community, it has greatly helped me. I have learned to come to terms with a lot of things. It just took some group discussion to help push me over the hill. Now that I see that so many have been told the same thing as I have, and have felt the same type of pain that I have... it just made it a little easier for me to see the pattern and the actions that changes that I've needed to make.

She didn't leave me much of a choice, and I certainly wasn't going to just crawl into a ditch and die. I didn't want to make a bad situation worse, so I just thought that it would be good to give her what it is that she wanted. It just didn't make sense to fight it any longer. She wasn't going to stay, so what else could I have done?

I am happy that we are talking and being civil. That is a load off of my shoulders because the situation is difficult enough. My kids are making the most out of it and we both spend one afternoon out of the week as a family watching a movie. So this is good for everyone and helps to re-establish the lines of communication. I don't know what the future holds, but I am focused right now on what it is that I need to do.
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Old 01-08-2010, 11:00 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

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Originally Posted by Dreaded_Soulja View Post
Hey there Notaclue, I'm doing okay. It's just another day in paradise. I still have my good days and my bad days, but all in all, I am taking the steps needed to feel good about myself look forward to better things.

I was hit with some horrible news the other day and it had me thinking. I am a professional gourmet chef. I went to culinary school and met a wonderful friend. She and I were like peas and carrots (Forrest Gump terminology). She was always like a baby sister to me. She is much younger than I am, but she was a good driving force to help push me through school. She was always a great friend. Well... during out externships, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's been a strong fighter and she has flat lined on the table during two separate occasions. Nevertheless, after all these years we have kept in touch. She knows me so well that at times it is almost uncanny.

Well, she moved away from Florida and settled with her family in South Carolina. She wrote me a good bye letter the other day. You see... she was about to undergo surgery. They were going to put her in a coma and do whatever it is that they were going to do. So, before she she had to leave to get rest for this procedure, she and I talked about the good times that we had in culinary school. She laughed and I felt better knowing that there is some healing power in laughter. When she said that she had to go, I didn't want to let her leave, but I knew that I had to.

Her mother has been in contact with me, letting me know how she is doing... and the news isn't so good. These next 24 hours are most critical. There was some internal bleeding and they were able to catch it. So, now she is in the ICU. My friends and I pray alongside her family.

I was thinking... here it is... this 25 year old woman filled with life and so many gifts gave everything she had. Not once did she give up. God knows that she has had every reason to... and there wouldn't be a jury who could convict her if she did. She stayed a true friend to me always honoring our friendship.

When my wife left me, it's almost like she knew... and she called me to see how I was doing. She knows my wife and she was also an associate of my wife. When I've told her that my wife left me, she still found a way to give me encouragement. I didn't know that she was as sick as she was at the time. Again, she found a way to pick me up, dust me off, and set me on the path again. Now, I kinda wish that I didn't do that. I would have liked for her to have had the memory of my wife and I together enjoying the holidays as a family. Instead, she knows that I was hurting and alone.

I try to make her strength my strength. Her pain is surely greater than mine. When I think back on so many of the posts that I have read, I think to myself how selfish these spouses are... and as to how easily they gave up. There are so many others out there making the most out of everyday that they have with their families. They share, cry, and love as one. And yet, here we are able minded with our futures ahead of us, and we do this alone.

I think that everyone should be thankful for the many blessings that we have... for the family that we have left. We have to seek out the positive and the good and build off of that. We have to make the most out of everyday that we have. Time is a commodity that we don't have a lot of. Life is too short to spend it miserable and sad.

Here it is, that I was without my wife during the holidays, and here my friend is possibly celebrating her last with her family. It makes a person think... about the here and the now.

So when I am asked as to how I am doing... my reply is, I'm doing just fine... thank you.
Powerful stuff.. I am not a religious man (but i am spiritual)...your friend will be in my thoughts...and I truly hope for the best...
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Old 01-09-2010, 12:34 AM   #28 (permalink)
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DS I love reading your posts
thanks for sharing so many of your thoughts and reflections
K
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Old 01-09-2010, 01:02 PM   #29 (permalink)
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DS I love reading your posts
thanks for sharing so many of your thoughts and reflections
K
knortoh... Thank you very much for the warm compliments. I try to mix my words and emotions when I make my replies. I put it all out on the line. Everyone else has been so gracious in baring their souls... I feel that I am no different. It does please me that others can feel my words.

cpt_confused... I am not a religious man either, but yes, I do believe. Thank you for including her in your prayers. I will be providing an update soon. We all just need to be thankful for what we have, and make the very best out of what our situations may be. I too appreciate your words.
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Old 01-09-2010, 02:11 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Hey DS, sorry to hear about your dear friend. I'm sure it's tough during a time like this. Life is too short and it's meant to be lived with love and wonder. I do believe there is something for us after we leave this earth and there is a plan. Reading your words have surely helped me in my struggles.
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