Newly Separated... Again!
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Old 01-01-2010, 05:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Newly Separated... Again!

On December 6th. of 2009, my wife moved out. She had only told me that this was going to move out about four days earlier. This is the second time that she has moved out in two years. I've tried to be understanding and just roll with the punches, but it's always easier said than done.

Although she lives about 5 minutes up the road, it's like we are miles if not towns apart. She had mentioned to me that she does not want a divorce and that she only needs time so that she can "find herself." So here we are, amid this time of economic uncertainty, living in two separate homes.

She has asked me if she could spend the night with me once and that was it. She treats me as if we had only come into each other's lives about a week ago. I live in our home with my children from a previous marriage.

It gets more and more lonely everyday. I have no clue as to if she will return or not. She doesn't give me any answers to any of the questions that I've asked. She either shrugs her shoulders or just says that she doesn't know. I've asked her if she felt that moving out was the right thing to do, and her reply was, "I don't know." I'm lost, confused, and lonely. I have no idea where this so-called "relationship" is going... or if it is going anywhere. I'm afraid that by the time that I figure it out, time and opportunities for me to move on will have passed.

I know that no one here knows me, and only one side of the story is presented. I have spent time reading so many posts by others and I don't feel so alone anymore when it comes to my issues. In fact, there are so many who are going through almost an identical situation as I am.

One of the things that really get to me... is when a woman just wants to get up and leave, it's always justified. When a man does it, then more than likely, there must be another woman involved somewhere. It's my belief that it doesn't matter which sex just decides one day to just up and leave. If you don't see the downfall of your relationship on the horizon and "D" Day hits... the pain is still the same.
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Old 01-01-2010, 08:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

No...MANY women who get up a leave are NOT justified! Many women are JUST like the men who do the same.

Watch out for another man. He may be lurking.

If she would do this twice then I would have a hard time "waiting."

Work on some positive things for yourself. I would not contact her for any reason other than mutual business.

Not sure how long I would wait but it wouldn't be 6 months!
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Old 01-01-2010, 08:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

I sincerely appreciate your words. My wife has a problem in listening to her mother. Her mother was never pleased with us getting married. We've dated for 8 years and then we have/had been married for 8 years. She and her mother are very close. Her mother calls her everyday between 7:30 - 8:00 am. My mother-in-law has been able to get in the middle of my marriage and she is finally happy that she has been successful.

No matter how hard I have tired to have my wife turn towards me and stop glancing at her mother, her love for me was never going to allow me to have the type of relationship that we could have had.

Her mother has been married and divorced 7 times. In her current marriage, she has a man who has a lot of money. So she is taken care of and she has no shame in her game in putting a bug in my wife's ear to have her walk away from our marriage. It was my mother-in-law who opened up her check book to finance my wife's departure.

Some days, I'm lost... and other days, I am just existing. She left right after Thanksgiving, so the holidays were really tough on the kids. Every year for 16 years... my wife and I would welcome in the new year. That didn't happen for 2010. The changes are too much too fast.
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

It's so difficult when things happen out of the blue and so fast...especially during the holidays.

You wife sounds like she is an immature woman. Listening to her mother is fine as long as it's solid, healthy advice. It doesn't sound like it.
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Old 01-01-2010, 10:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

What your wife is doing - it isn't justified -
it is hurtful and yes I agree with CW - immature
I think it is time for you to start setting the agenda -
I have come to despise it when spouses leave and then say to their left spouse that they are confused -
they have not been so confused that they haevn't been able to organise themselves to find somewhere to live and move on with their life...
I let my H tell me he was confused for 6 months - it was torture -
try and start living your life as though she isn't coming back and you are single
it hurts like hell but nothing you can say will bring her back -
she has to become unconfused ....
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Old 01-01-2010, 11:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreaded_Soulja View Post
I sincerely appreciate your words. My wife has a problem in listening to her mother. Her mother was never pleased with us getting married. We've dated for 8 years and then we have/had been married for 8 years. She and her mother are very close. Her mother calls her everyday between 7:30 - 8:00 am. My mother-in-law has been able to get in the middle of my marriage and she is finally happy that she has been successful.

No matter how hard I have tired to have my wife turn towards me and stop glancing at her mother, her love for me was never going to allow me to have the type of relationship that we could have had.

Her mother has been married and divorced 7 times. In her current marriage, she has a man who has a lot of money. So she is taken care of and she has no shame in her game in putting a bug in my wife's ear to have her walk away from our marriage. It was my mother-in-law who opened up her check book to finance my wife's departure.

Some days, I'm lost... and other days, I am just existing. She left right after Thanksgiving, so the holidays were really tough on the kids. Every year for 16 years... my wife and I would welcome in the new year. That didn't happen for 2010. The changes are too much too fast.
Hi There,

My wife is very close to her mom and also does what her mom says. When we moved to the North West from California my wife asked to move back within three months which we could not do and she turned on me. Her mother also paid for her to get a divorce attorney while the whole time telling me that she was going to help fix things. My wifes mother has been married and divorced four times now, the current husband she found in bed with another women and still did not divorce him because he has money. Your wife is acting just like mine and I have no reason for it except she is selfish and listens to her mom. Even though it ruined a beautiful family and hurt me and the kids. She is responsible for tearing us up and I think she actually enjoys the sense of power of doing it. No remorse, no care, no trying to work it out. Even though my son barely speaks to her she does not care. I feel for you and I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew how people can break up after 8,15 ,30 years and act like its no big deal. I am completely mentally drained with it.
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Old 01-02-2010, 08:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

I have read over a good amount of postings here on this forum and it just seems that everyone is experiencing some of the exact issues just under slightly different circumstances and environments. Nevertheless, the results are the same. I find great comfort in knowing that my issue is not unique. Thank you to everyone who have read my plight and even more to those who have commented back. Your words have given me strength and have also restored just a tiny bit of my sanity.

Knortoh, I have said the very same thing that you have stated, in where our spouses or significant others mention that they are confused, and yet, they can find the energy and can be lucid enough in their minds to find another place to live and prepare to move out. That is one thing that was also a huge smack in the face. It's all premeditated! How can you tell someone that you love them and sleep beside them, and then tell them, "I'm leaving in three days."?

Sportsman, you and I are obviously encountering the same type of affliction. I feel your pain most since it is most in common to my own. My mother-in-law knew that her husband was cheating on her as well, and yet... continued to stay with her husband. She was aware of his activities because he uses Viagra. She would pick up his prescription for him and count the pills. Whenever she was feeling in the mood she would get his pill for him and she knew that he was missing some even though they weren't intimate during that time. And still, she remains with this individual. My mother-in-law claims to be a spiritual woman... always attending church and claiming to do God's will as well as being a righteous Christian. I'm not too deeply religious of a man, but I have my faith as well. My question was, that if she is such a servant of God and is always the first to bring up what is right and wrong... then explain to me in where the Bible states that no man shall separate what God has brought together? The levels and amount of hypocrisy run deep.

Yes, my wife does seem to be extremely immature at this point. Her actions have clearly set my mind on a different path as in how I feel about marriage. From what I have noticed in with everyone here who is suffering this knife stabbing pain in the chest, is that the other party has not been communicating in the relationship. Communication is a vital part of everyday life and even more so when two people are supposed to be united in marriage. Usually, they want to communicate as they are walking out the door, have already filed the divorce papers, just pick up and leave with a note expressing their thoughts, or tell you that they have found a place and they are moving out within a certain time frame.

How do you know if there is a problem if nothing is talked about? If the communication was there and my wife still wanted to leave, then I could deal with that better because there wouldn't be any confusion and I would have a better idea as to what is going on to cause the separation. I understand that we are all human and mistakes are made. I can live with that. But to be so covert in their feelings and actions is what causes the distrust and pain.

Forgetting would be much easier and so less painful. I choose not to forget, because if I forget the pain, then I am doomed to repeat whatever it was that put me in this situation in the first place.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Newly Separated... Again!

If you have a few days see my thread. My wife like yours was lost and still is. She tried to run and find herself. Blamed me for not allowing her. It was all bs. There was no other man so don't think always there must be. The best thing you can do is give her space age will realize her errors. If she goes down the road with another man then it was all bs
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Old 01-02-2010, 01:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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LH, oh I am going to giver her the time that she needs in order to find herself. Although I do wish that she did this before she had said "I do." But hey... what can any of us do? I'm just trying to cope with this situation as best I can.

For the time being, we are amicable towards each other. It's just really strange in that she acts like we've met about a year ago. She has known me since I was 15 years old (I'm 40 at the time of this posting). I am a little older than she is. It's just really weird. Kinda like I'm living an episode of the Twilight Zone.

Since this is the second time that she has left, all I can do is wonder if things improve and she comes back home will she leave again? This time she was more comfortable than the first. So I am only guessing that it is getting easier for her as time goes on.

I'm not getting any younger, and everyday it is getting just a little easier for me to go on without her. I love her so very much, but that is not something that she is able to understand right now. I do miss her more than I can say, but I will not tell her that. I am done expressing myself to her because I have no clue as to where it is going to lead me. It is clear to me that my love for her wasn't strong enough to stop her from walking out of the door. So in my honest opinion, it just doesn't make sense to keep harping on my feelings towards her.

I'm making adjustments and I am taking it one day at a time. The year is fresh and new. I have to start the same.
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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DS - when someone decides to withdraw their communication until they leave it is so hurtful....this is so common - one partner wanting and willing to communicate the other literally closing down all lines of communcation - it is a very powerful position they take -

My H left and came back and left again - but for me it was worse the 2nd time - not better -
( I mean I fell apart worse)

I love your logic -
it doesn't make any sense to keep on harping about your feelings toward her -

logic is good in these situations -

stay clear - even with your broken heart
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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knortoh, thank you. I'm just trying to keep my head above water like the rest of us. After awhile, trying to make sense out of this is just too time consuming. I actually believe that they already know what it is that they want. When the smoke clears, we will have moved forward and they will be standing right where we've left them.
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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DA, You know I agree about that - we are forced to move on -
on better days I feel my life expanding out around me like a fan - I find that I can think about exciting possibilities for the future - and this entertains my brain far more than thinking about him

and i look at him and I sense that he is narrowing his life and his options.....
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Old 01-03-2010, 09:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Today is the four week mark for me since my wife had moved out. The house is quiet, the kids are still resting in their beds. My dog is laying in the doorway of my room, and I am going over in my mind as to how I am going to work to make this year a better year.

Life goes on. It has to... I don't have much of a choice. Sometimes, I get the urge to call her up and just talk with her on the phone, and then something tells me not to. It's a tricky situation. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If I call and get all chatty with her, then it can come back as me not giving her the time that she needs. If I don't, then it could been taken as I really don't care and that I have moved on.

Well, in a number of ways, I had to move on. Life is dynamic... not static. She has placed me in a situation in where I've had to move on. I don't see why that should be a concern to her... she's moved on. She's moved on and out. Her mother made sure that this situation was going to happen.

As I sit at my desk and in front of my computer reading over the many posts by so many others, I feel a kinship with people here. I have read posts of people who are married and still working through their issues together as husband and wife. I ask myself how they do it. How do they find that middle ground to keep those lines of communication open... how do they look into each other's eyes and say, "I love you" and actually mean it? How is it that they find the strength to weather the storms and sail their ship to calmer seas? I admire these couples. I hope and pray that they continue to prosper and that they don't have to feel the pain that those of us who aren't so fortunate.

Years ago, when couples got married... they were together until death. Marriage actually meant something. Now, it seems that marriage has been cheapened and that the meaning has been lost. It's become way to easy to back out of a commitment with little care or thought. One can have a bad day, and decide, "Okay, I'm outta here!" There is no more fight or struggle to make such relationships work. Everything is disposable... including marriage.

I... like so many others here, fight and struggle to keep my head high. There is a constant pain where my heart used to be, but I find strength in the words of my newfound friends here on this board. Thank you all for your wonderful words of support and hope.
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Old 01-03-2010, 03:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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What a beautiful post DS
don't call her
post here instead

only when she is ready to meet you - to look you in the eyes will the lines of communication be open

until then it is widely agreed on this forum that reaching out to them only pretty much leads to more hurt and disapointment.
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thats so true DS, marriage is disposable nowdays and the attorneys and courts want it that way. Really sad situation , stay strong. I am sorry your heart is so broken. Would you take her back after the second time ?
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