Like my screen name says, I didn't have a clue. W told me a day after Christmas and then told our daughter. What is amazing to me is that W then went out to lunch with friends afterward like it was no big deal. She also had a massage scheduled , but my daughter raised a fit so W stayed and at least calmed my daughter down.
I thought we were soulmates and would be together until we died, but my wife says she no longer loves me and does not want to be with me any longer. I am still in love with her, have provided for her , paid all her CC bills for years, put away a substantial reitrement for us and she knows I have never cheated or looked at another women in 30 years of marriage. She also knows how deeply I love her and have gone to the end of the earth to make things right. I am not perfect, but I always tried to be true to her and she knows it.
This is such a shock and I just can't believe this is happening. The only thing my wife will say at this point is to get a lawyer next week. She won't consider any other route and wants a divorce in 60 days or less. I simply don't know what to do and at my age (55) I know I no longer will be able to retire when she gets done with me. My daughter is in shock also. I can't even understand what my feelings are at this point other than severe grief. Help !!
hey there notaclue
I am so so sorry for you
what a horrible shock for you and your family -
were there no signs at all?
sounds like she may have met someone else to be so determined - and so secretive -
it is early days for you both though...
I always remember my counsellor saying to me
In a crisis do nothing
so you are currently in crisis mode -
look after youself / stay as calm as you can/
talk to friends/ look after your daughter...
stay posting and vent your anger (it will come) here -
there are loads of people on this site who will offer great advice and support....
take care
K
I am sad to hear about your loss, and that is just what it is... a loss. It never makes any sense when it comes to these types of things. It hits you from out in left field. The only thing that you can do is press forward. There is nothing else that any of us can do. Good luck. She'll learn that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Be strong brother.
I know and I am sorry. I've been married for 25 years and my H decided that he was unhappy for awhile but didn't tell me until much later. He had already detached.
I would be suspicious of her, at this point, and another man.
Thank you for all your advice. I don't think it's another man, but you never know and I don't think I really want to know at this point. I guess I am terrified. All my hopes and dreams have been torn apart. Everything I've worked for all these years is gone. I'm also scared from a financial standpoint and know she has retained a shark for a lawyer. What I can't understand is my W's attitude about all of this and how sure she is that this is the right thing to do. I have never seen her like this - it's like her heart has turned to stone. She simply no longer cares and said she would never want to be married again.
Our young adult daughter is very close to her and is beside herself. She asked my W why she never gave me a chance for counseling if there was a problem and just hit me with it out of the blue. No good answer - just that it was the right thing to do. My daughter is furious about this and I'm afraid my W will lose her relationship with our Daughter.
I still love my W, but I am so confused and upset. I am not a bad person, have never done anything to her other than argue about her over spending patterns. My daughter told her she has gone crazy for divorcing the best father and husband in the world. I never thought it could happen to my marriage - how stupid I was.... The sad part about this is that my W says there are no other options - she is done.
Sorry for the long vent. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this at this point.
If your wife has retained an aggressive attorney, then you need to interview a few of your own.
Even though she is moving fast...you may have to catch up.
No telling what is going on, at this point, but you need to protect yourself.
You can still love her and protect yourself. Start by doing this...
Thanks Corpuswife, I will start on Monday.
I hope she realizes at some point the havoc, heartbreak and total devastation she has caused for our Daughter and myself. But after trying to reason with her, I doubt it. Breaking apart the family seems like no big deal to her.
Divorce like this has to be the worst thing that can happen to a person. For me it's worse than the death of my parents.
Notaclue,
it is completely devastating and in your case very brutal...CW is right you may need to move to legal stuff quickly if she has already.....
it hurts like hell
you are correct though - reason doesn't work when they get like this - and yes the emotional detachment is cruel....
I like that you are clear though - you are clear that it is not about you - remember this as much as you can.....
K
It truly is a death. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. The fact that you can be a decent person; loyal; honest; hardworker; good wife/mother; etc. sometimes doesn't matter. It's about THEM.
We can't change their minds or convince them or plead. Although, I have tried, at many points, during the last 14 months.
Of course, we all have flaws and could have been this or that...we are human.
I just figured after 20 years...we had it in the bag. At 20 years we were still "in love." At 25 years...he wasn't??
For the most part, in these circumstances where there isn't a real serious "crime" committed....you know multiple affairs, addictive behavior, or abuse...they eventually figure it out. For some it may take many years. Who can wait?
I'm not. I've waited for 14 months of hell. I might as well beat my head against the wall and it would have been less painful.
I can still love him and let him go. He admits to still loving me just not "in love" with me. As I've said all along...."what a crock!!"
Thanks K for our advice. It is devastating and brutal for sure. My daughter is really having emotional problems now and my wife is just acting like everything will be ok.
It will never be Ok and I have told my W this. You are correct about reason - I tried to talk to her tonight and she will have none of what I have to say.
ok - now is the time to be there for your daughter - more than ever - you probably already know this - but focussing on her and her needs will take your attention away from your wife.
Come to think of it Corpuswife, my W did say something to the effect that she will always love me but she is not in love with me anymore a few days ago. Not the exact words but the same idea. I really have no idea what she means.
My daughter told her to get over her suburban petty mental problem BS, that I did nothing to be treated like this.
I am human, I am not perfect, but I always did the right thing for my W and family. If there was a problem I fixed it. Like you and a lot of others in this situation, I never did anything to warrant this type treatment.
In 30 years she has never acted like this - it's like something snapped. But I am not sure I will ever know.
ok - now is the time to be there for your daughter - more than ever - you probably already know this - but focussing on her and her needs will take your attention away from your wife.
Yes I have been talking to my daughter all day and trying not to drive a wedge between her and her mother. Problem is, I don't have a good explanation of what is going on and can't answer a lot of my daughter's questions.
Wife of 30 years is divorcing me 
