I really think she blames me for what she is going through, even though she won't say it. I think women in this state of mind think that they need a "clean slate", a "fresh start"... that will make them happy - when in the end I think most of them regret the decisions they make because they realize that the grass isn't greener...
I hope you are right. I asked her what she would do if she was wrong and she said that she would have to deal with it but she wasn't coming back. marriage over. That's what hurts so much - I have no way of fixing anything in her mind.
NC - here is something I found online from Divorce Busters... It's about how to act and react to your wife when she is acting like this:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
These are not hard set rules, but generally I think they work.. The happier I act around the wife, the more she lets her guard down... the second I act needy or want to get into a heavy discussion, she starts packing her s**t, looking for a job, etc.... I think #32 is very important...
We are always going to second guess our actions at this point. The mission was simple... get married to the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with and make it work. Basically, that's it in a nutshell. I mean everything else was secondary and that includes having children. So hear it is, you choose this person and you stop living for yourself, but you live for the both of you. In order to do that, you have to make some type of sacrifice. Usually and quite often we sacrifice ourselves.
It's true, love hurts. But love requires sacrifice. So what hurts most... is the sacrifice that we had made. This was something that we did all on our own. We did it her, we did it for us, we did it for our futures together... we did it unselfishly.
When I hear of situations like ours, it reminds me of high school. I'm sure that we've all had someone in high school or middle school who we had a crush on and "dated" briefly, only to show up to school the next day and they were drooling over some other person. We were as expendable as baseball trading cards. The hurt was what we thought was deep. But nevertheless, it was hurt. We've recovered and moved on. We may have even had our hearts and egos crushed a few more times after that... and then we've found... "The One".
One would think that when someone reaches a certain age, that the maturity levels should be as tall as a 50 story building... but that is not always the case. Certainly not the case in our situations! I refuse to believe that someone goes to bed in love with someone, secure in their future as one, and then wake up wanting to leave because they are in "relationship confusion". This is something that has been brewing over time, and instead of our significant others communicating these fears or concerns, the let them fester. It goes from being a small paper cut, to a deep gash in the throat.
Like quicksand, the more we fight to keep them... the faster they slip away. I am determined to make this year a better year... with or without my spouse. She has put me in the situation of shoring up my ship. I have to find the energy and strength to carry on for my kids and for me. No one is going to deny that the pain is great, but as long as we still carry breath in our lungs, then we need to march forward.
These are not hard set rules, but generally I think they work.. The happier I act around the wife, the more she lets her guard down... the second I act needy or want to get into a heavy discussion, she starts packing her s**t, looking for a job, etc.... I think #32 is very important...
EXACTLY!!! Great list by the way!! I don't call my wife unless I absolutely need to. And that is where the children are concerned or if there is mail at my house that might be important to her. I'm not trying to screw her over... I'm not going to be spiteful.
There are a lot of good pointers in that list. I am reading a book called "The Way of The Superior Man", and it basically points out some of the same things in that list.
We are always going to second guess our actions at this point. The mission was simple... get married to the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with and make it work. Basically, that's it in a nutshell. I mean everything else was secondary and that includes having children. So hear it is, you choose this person and you stop living for yourself, but you live for the both of you. In order to do that, you have to make some type of sacrifice. Usually and quite often we sacrifice ourselves.
It's true, love hurts. But love requires sacrifice. So what hurts most... is the sacrifice that we had made. This was something that we did all on our own. We did it her, we did it for us, we did it for our futures together... we did it unselfishly.
When I hear of situations like ours, it reminds me of high school. I'm sure that we've all had someone in high school or middle school who we had a crush on and "dated" briefly, only to show up to school the next day and they were drooling over some other person. We were as expendable as baseball trading cards. The hurt was what we thought was deep. But nevertheless, it was hurt. We've recovered and moved on. We may have even had our hearts and egos crushed a few more times after that... and then we've found... "The One".
One would think that when someone reaches a certain age, that the maturity levels should be as tall as a 50 story building... but that is not always the case. Certainly not the case in our situations! I refuse to believe that someone goes to bed in love with someone, secure in their future as one, and then wake up wanting to leave because they are in "relationship confusion". This is something that has been brewing over time, and instead of our significant others communicating these fears or concerns, the let them fester. It goes from being a small paper cut, to a deep gash in the throat.
Like quicksand, the more we fight to keep them... the faster they slip away. I am determined to make this year a better year... with or without my spouse. She has put me in the situation of shoring up my ship. I have to find the energy and strength to carry on for my kids and for me. No one is going to deny that the pain is great, but as long as we still carry breath in our lungs, then we need to march forward.
Well said.... I wish I had your clarity in thinking! Thanks for the great words....
I hate to jump in on the manwagon so to speak but when I was reading over that list which I have been following as close as possible some thing occured to me. Isnt it funny that they are the ones that came in and turned our worlds upside down and we are the ones that have to follow the list. Like oh my goodness lets be careful with them they are having a midlife crisis. Its true I love my husband dearly even though he has cheated on me and given a sincere apology and promise of counseling I would take him back. I made a vow. I guess it just quite naturally pees me off that were all going through this just because they cant figure out if they like theirselves or not. WHO CARES??? There are other people besides them!!!!! Ok sorry I stepped on your thread. Posted via Mobile Device
Going thru this myself and reading the posts of others does help. However what resonates with me the most is how people can just leave and act like the 10,15 or 20 years meant nothing. I am shocked that people are wired in a way that allows them to just turn. If I felt like I wanted out of the relationship or if I was unhappy I would work with my spouse to fix that. I mean in my case there are three kids involved and just leaving changes the lives of five people. I could never just leave without trying. If after the trying there was nothing to be done then maybe I would understand, but in my case and others I don't. Like I said earlier its like some people are just wired wrong and have no remorse or thoughts of what destroying a family does to all parties. To do that without trying at all is just a travesty to me. Like someone said, in the past people stayed married forever, I am not sure if it should be that way but I do believe that if you are married every effort should be given to fix things. Unless there is cheating or abuse!!
Hang in there, we are all here for the same reason and it does help to talk....a little.
I hate to jump in on the manwagon so to speak but when I was reading over that list which I have been following as close as possible some thing occured to me. Isnt it funny that they are the ones that came in and turned our worlds upside down and we are the ones that have to follow the list. Like oh my goodness lets be careful with them they are having a midlife crisis. Its true I love my husband dearly even though he has cheated on me and given a sincere apology and promise of counseling I would take him back. I made a vow. I guess it just quite naturally pees me off that were all going through this just because they cant figure out if they like theirselves or not. WHO CARES??? There are other people besides them!!!!! Ok sorry I stepped on your thread. Posted via Mobile Device
You are welcome to post on my thread anytime.. Yeah, it does suck that the ones that have had their hearts ripped out have to be the ones to walk on egg shells.... but I do love her, I have always loved her. I just hope that she will figure out that she does love me.
In the end, I just want her to be happy, but the thing that makes her the happiest is the thing that makes me the most unhappy...
Going thru this myself and reading the posts of others does help. However what resonates with me the most is how people can just leave and act like the 10,15 or 20 years meant nothing. I am shocked that people are wired in a way that allows them to just turn. If I felt like I wanted out of the relationship or if I was unhappy I would work with my spouse to fix that. I mean in my case there are three kids involved and just leaving changes the lives of five people. I could never just leave without trying. If after the trying there was nothing to be done then maybe I would understand, but in my case and others I don't. Like I said earlier its like some people are just wired wrong and have no remorse or thoughts of what destroying a family does to all parties. To do that without trying at all is just a travesty to me. Like someone said, in the past people stayed married forever, I am not sure if it should be that way but I do believe that if you are married every effort should be given to fix things. Unless there is cheating or abuse!!
Hang in there, we are all here for the same reason and it does help to talk....a little.
I couldn't agree with you more.... but I do know deep down that I don't want her to stay because she feels sorry for me or out of guilt. I want her to stay, but I want her to want to say...
I have read alot about women in midlife crisis, and I think that when they go through this, they are not thinking clearly. They are being selfish and acting like a teenager at times... it's a hard thing for them to go through, but they rationalize everything in their mind so it is easier for them to just leave... it sucks bad and I really feel for you too - I know the hell that I am going through and I don't wish this on anyone....
I hate to jump in on the manwagon so to speak but when I was reading over that list which I have been following as close as possible some thing occured to me. Isnt it funny that they are the ones that came in and turned our worlds upside down and we are the ones that have to follow the list. Like oh my goodness lets be careful with them they are having a midlife crisis. Its true I love my husband dearly even though he has cheated on me and given a sincere apology and promise of counseling I would take him back. I made a vow. I guess it just quite naturally pees me off that were all going through this just because they cant figure out if they like theirselves or not. WHO CARES??? There are other people besides them!!!!! Ok sorry I stepped on your thread. Posted via Mobile Device
You aren't stepping on anyone's thread. Pain is pain. Doing someone dirty is a male and female thing. It's an "us" thing. You are correct in what you have said though... they turn us upside down and right side up. You would swear that we are on a roller coaster! Yet... we are the ones who still have to play by some type of rules!!
I start out that I got my speech on the 13th of Dec.
Of course for me, this came out of left field for me, though for her, it's been something that has been brewing for a long time.
These so called rules, it is so difficult to follow and yes we are talking. What the heck do you do when she ask the questions?
Just how the heck do you handle it?
I don't believe in divorce, both personal and religious convictions. I don't want it but do realize that I probably will have to go through it.
I do think she is in mid life crisis. I just can't stand seeing herself not only destroying my kids life, my life, but her own.
Unfortunately, I can't avoid talking to her at all because I run my own business. So I have to tell what to deposits and when. Since she told me, she has been very corporative in that aspect.
Yesterday when she came to pick up the kids, we did talk a little bit and did tell her I would like to talk about us, just not at this moment. She also asked me about custody and what I wanted. I did tell her i do want to do a 50 50 custody, but didn't want to go into detail. I did make the mistake of telling her that I talked to my family friend and asked them if we can use their address. At this point i should of made a suggestion for her to think about it.
I know that i would do things that would hurt her, but she kept her mouth shut. In an email just after the speech, she did tell me that both she doesn't love me and not happy with the marriage.
I know part of our problem she had with me was my temper. Personally, i think she would just be over reacting and made the mistake of calling her a sensitive Suzy. But now realize some things was not her way of thinking about the things. She felt that I always treated her family like crap. I don't think so, but too late, what was said has been said.
I do know I have to go into therapy for myself, a marriage counselor and even maybe a psychologist for some behavioral help.
I'm lost,scared and just disgusted with my current life situation.
Many people have asked me if there is another person. Honestly don't have a positive answer to that one. Of course i hope not,but do realize there may be.
Looks as if you are in the right place millmant. We're all here leaning on each other's shoulder. You have already completed your first step, and that was talking about your part in your possible contribution to the down slide of your marriage.
As always and like anything else, time will tell. I do hope and wish the best for you and your family though.
Ok, I basically skipped past all the replies to your post because you're experiencing the exact same thing I went through in 2006-2008. I don't really have much to add because our stories are so similar. She had an emotional affair with an old friend she reconnected with from high school. She was working out and lost alot of weight. We're also high school sweet hearts. We had just bought our first home together after 16 years of marriage. Yada, yada, yada... After she told me she didn't love me anymore I went into "fix it" mode. If you're currently in this mode then you need to stop. It's going to sink your marriage further. My best advice is to go out and purchase a book titled "I Love You but I'm Not IN Love with You" by Andrew G. Marshall. You will find that it refers to your situation perfectly. It will open your eyes as to what she's going through and shed a light on some things that are making your relationship stale. Read through it and then share what you read with her. If she becomes interseted like my wife did then buy her a copy and discuss what you read together. I promise it will make the whole situation clearer and allow you to take the correct steps at saving your marriage. If your wife reads it and clears up her confusion then she'll buy in to fixing your marriage. It worked for my wife and I. I hope it works for you.
Re: Wife is leaving, Im devastated....
