Hey Cpt,
Sorry I'm joining the thread a little late, but you are in good hands here. I just recently found this website and I firmly believe God lead me here. It's amazing to me that so many people are going through almost exactly what I'm going through. I got the "I love you but not in love with you" speech almost a year ago. I've been partners with my W since 1992 and she has just been EVERYTHING to me since. I considered my self a good husband, friend, lover to my wife and a great Dad to our 11 yr old daughter, the center of my universe. Then, just like that, my W turned on a dime (it seemed to me). I later found out that it was someone she worked with. I saw that list just tonight and wish I had seen it earlier because I must have violated about 12 rules!! You can't help it. It's the emotional roller coaster. I'm still devastated and will be for a long time. I surround myself with family and friends as often as I can. I'm gonna join a gym this year and really start working on taking care of myself, my daughter, and my finances, which are in shambles right now. Most importantly, I'm back in church with my daughter. I'm no bible-thumper, but a wise friend told me to give all my pain and suffering to God. WHat God giveth, God taketh away. Leave it in his hands. You'll see that you can't go wrong. I know it's early in the going for you, and everything looks bleak, but it will get better, my friend. Just stay on a good path, rediscover YOU, and just try to take some good away from this. You may not see it now, but in time, you will. Take it from all of us who've been there. Keep posting, and keep reading everyone's posts. It's therapy for free! You are in my thoughts and prayers, my good man. Hang in there.
Hey cpt just checking in. Hope the day was kind to you. Let us know about the book. I pretty much think Ive tried everything except mind control...lol Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for the kind words and thoughts, it really means alot to me.
Yesterday was tough day for me. My wife, while she is cordial to me, spends all day on the damn computer, playing online games, chatting, whatever. Will come out to eat (with me) but then right back in her room. Every time I hear the door open or even a little noise, my heart jumps. I feel emotionally drained.
She did come to my office to help out yesterday, and we were pleasant to each other, I try like hell to keep the happy face on, smile and listen attentively to anything she says, but it is soooo damn hard when all I really want to do is grab her and give her a passionate kiss. I truly feel like I am dying. Just doing day to day things seem so draining.
But some good has come out of this for me. I realize now that I am way too codependent on her (I think that it is hard not to be when 2 people are together for any length of time), and I should have encouraged her to be more of an individual too. A little late, but I will never make those mistakes again..
For you guys out there who think your wife may be going though a midlife crisis, a good ebook i found was "Survive your wifes midlife crisis" by Chrtine Schaap - really helped put alot of things in perspective.
The other book I have read about halfway - it seems more geared to people that are not quite at the separation stage but on the brink. But it is a good read with a lot of good advise..
Very painful stuff -
when people withdraw they hold all the cards
you tell her how you feel, you are open - she takes this but does not share -
once this starts to happen the more you express the more she will withdraw....
you are hurting bad for a reason - this is really unpleasant behaviour
I thought it was interesting that you blamed yourself for confronting her about having an EA - you are most probably 100% correct - so why do you blame yourself for her response?
She is at fault here - she can deny it outright and explain her behaviour instead of just withdrawing
See how she is training you not to confront her with the truth???
Sorry but have been living this hell for 12 months with my H.
Feel like I am a sad expert on it...
my advice -
whatever you do don't start blaming yourself -
regain some of the power by detaching - these are just words - it aint easy....
Her search for 'happiness' comes at an enormous cost to your security and the sanctity of your relationship....
That is why it is hurting you -
I am not saying don't give her space or stop loving her - I am just saying listen to your own heart and start protecting it....
It is her thing - her deamons - right now you are not the centre of her world...act accordingly
sorry if some of this sounds harsh...
take care - and come here to vent - don't feed her anything.....
NC - here is something I found online from Divorce Busters... It's about how to act and react to your wife when she is acting like this:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
These are not hard set rules, but generally I think they work.. The happier I act around the wife, the more she lets her guard down... the second I act needy or want to get into a heavy discussion, she starts packing her s**t, looking for a job, etc.... I think #32 is very important...
Funny thing is I did all those things on this list.. I made it harder but still got my wife back and some how got her to see what damage she was doing. I guess sometimes people get lucky.. Yet these are good rules to follow. I am just unable to follow them.. Hang tough I know about the facebook games and stuff. She is trying to keep her mind busy cause she is going through a battle too. Whether thats a battle to find herself or to force herself to leave you. I know where you and your not alone..
__________________
If you choose to live with a crazy person what does that make you?
Wow LH you did everything wrong for a while and still got her back. I've done some of those things wrong that is for sure. Unfortunately it is common I believe in these situations. I'm not doing those things now.
Follow the list as hard as it is.
__________________
Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.
Very painful stuff -
when people withdraw they hold all the cards
you tell her how you feel, you are open - she takes this but does not share -
once this starts to happen the more you express the more she will withdraw....
you are hurting bad for a reason - this is really unpleasant behaviour
I thought it was interesting that you blamed yourself for confronting her about having an EA - you are most probably 100% correct - so why do you blame yourself for her response?
She is at fault here - she can deny it outright and explain her behaviour instead of just withdrawing
See how she is training you not to confront her with the truth???
Sorry but have been living this hell for 12 months with my H.
Feel like I am a sad expert on it...
my advice -
whatever you do don't start blaming yourself -
regain some of the power by detaching - these are just words - it aint easy....
Her search for 'happiness' comes at an enormous cost to your security and the sanctity of your relationship....
That is why it is hurting you -
I am not saying don't give her space or stop loving her - I am just saying listen to your own heart and start protecting it....
It is her thing - her deamons - right now you are not the centre of her world...act accordingly
sorry if some of this sounds harsh...
take care - and come here to vent - don't feed her anything.....
No need to apologize - I rather enjoy candid conversation.
This is sound advise and exactly what I needed to hear this morning.. Thank you very much...
Well - today totally sucked.... over the weekend we were going over our fiances on my computer, and this stupid macintosh keeps screen shots of the last 30 or so sites you have visited, and her myspace page was on one of them - well that royally pissed her off, she thinks I'm spying on her, etc, etc... I hate this..
Well - today totally sucked.... over the weekend we were going over our fiances on my computer, and this stupid macintosh keeps screen shots of the last 30 or so sites you have visited, and her myspace page was on one of them - well that royally pissed her off, she thinks I'm spying on her, etc, etc... I hate this..
I also have a Mac. Looks like someone didn't clear their history!
Nice its not about mid life for women its key years.. When a women leaves her 20's she is no longer considered "young" It also means near the end of birthing years safely. A women at this age might reflect where shes been and where shes going and that might be a reason for it. Mine did it at the turn of 30 and at 35. I told her if you do it again at 40 I am done!!
__________________
If you choose to live with a crazy person what does that make you?
Well - today was good and bad... Wife finally came out of her room and ate dinner with me, but she started a new facebook page with her maiden name, told all her mafia war pals she was getting divorced...
I am so emotionally done it isn't even funny - I am so sad but can no longer muster any tears.. I don't want this to end, but I know its not up to me... I sooo hate my life right now....
Well - today was good and bad... Wife finally came out of her room and ate dinner with me, but she started a new facebook page with her maiden name, told all her mafia war pals she was getting divorced...
I am so emotionally done it isn't even funny - I am so sad but can no longer muster any tears.. I don't want this to end, but I know its not up to me... I sooo hate my life right now....
I'm sorry for how that made you feel, i could only imagine. I truly feel for you and feel your pain. I will pray for you as you have prayed for me. keep strong my man.
Re: Wife is leaving, Im devastated....
