Well - I will start my story like so many others I have read here - Been married for 13 years (we are both 37), wife and I were high school sweethearts. We got along very well, enjoyed each others company, etc. We never have argued about money... we are not rich, but have never struggled financially (always had nice cars, boat, etc). We have no kids (were talking about having kids a month ago) We had a nice life, moved to FL alittle over a year ago and everything was great (or so I thought). She is truly the love of my life....
Out of the blue on the 8th of December, she hits me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore" speech. Said she needs to go out and do things herself (she has a masters degree, but has never held a significant job, I have always taken care of her financially), find out what makes her happy. Does't want anything from me financially. She recently lost a lot of weight and looks better than she ever has (she has always been beautiful to me), and now spends all her time on facebook playing mafia wars and chatting with who know who. I tried to confront her about having a emotional affair with someone on facebook, that was a big mistake - made her total withdraw and she denied it.
I am trying so hard to let her go and do her thing and make herself happy, but it is literally killing me. It't been almost a month, I cant eat much, I workout to keep sane and have lost almost 30 lbs - and although I look better on the outside than I have in years, on the inside I am dying.
She has moved into the spare room of our house, and at times we get along really good - we eat dinner, go shopping every once in a while (yes - I enjoy shopping with my wife, always have), but every time my emotions get the better of me and I ask questions, she regresses, withdraws and tried to find a job so she can move out (she does not work and has no way of supporting herself on her own at the moment) or spending all day in her room on the computer. I am trying real hard to just be happy (or act happy) with the status quo, but it is sooooo hard.
I really think she is going through a midlife crisis, even though she is a little young. She has really not had a life of her own, her life was my life and what I was doing (I own a business that is continually growing, so we always were going to social events, traveling, getting together with friends, etc.) I can totally understand her wanting to do her own thing, but does she have to rip my heart out to do it?
I really fear that this is the end - especially if she moves out or gets a job somewhere that is not local. I have lived and worked my whole life to make her happy and provide for her, and now I am lost - I have never felt this kind of hurt and sadness.
It sounds like so many marriages that were married young or with somebody since high school days. They are lacking something in their life that they think is better then where they are now. Yet you are powerless to change that. She is the only person that can come to realize that the grass isn't greener. All I can suggest is work on yourself and fix the issues with tie part In the marriage. Hopefully tyis is just a phase. Posted via Mobile Device
Cpt confused, All I can say is that I feel your pain. I too am confused and hurt. The saddness is unending but I think from everything I've read it's unavoidable and part of the process. I know nothing other than my wife of 30 years is Divorcing me. But I have found a lot of good advice on this site. Keep posting - it really helps. NAC
Notaclue -
I read your post, brought me to tears and it was actually what made me post.
It amazes me (and I am sure you too) that the loving, caring women we fell in love with is all of a sudden transformed to a cold and driven to leave person.
I, like you was taken totally off guard - must be something in the water here in Florida...
What I find truly amazing is how many men in here say that they love their wives and that they have been basically the center of their lives. Men usually get a bad rep for not being able to fully and deeply love... yet, here it is! It does exist for us.
Losing someone that you have known since you were teens, been with, shared a life with, weathered the storm with, and stood by over the years is more than devastating. I am sure that a lot of us here can truly identify with your pain and anguish.
I wish that it was as simple as just taking a pill and washing all the pain away, but no such thing truly exists. What saddens me even more is that this type of situation raises it's ugly head during the holiday season. You know, the time of the year where we are all supposed to be spreading cheer and good wishes to all. The time of the year when we are reviewing the past year and thinking about the current time with our partner.
The pain is unspeakable I'm sure. What the others have said previous to me speak truth. There is nothing that you can say or do that is going to change the tide. In some strange yet robotic way, her mind is already made up. It's like the times and memories do not mean anything. You feel like she is throwing you out with yesterday's garbage. Don't let this destroy you and who you are. There is no crime in loving your spouse and living your lives as one. Isn't that what we are supposed to do?
You have played by the rules and you have done beyond what was asked. There is little else that you can do. You... like the rest of us feel helpless in putting this puzzle back together, and that is clearly understood.
Our stories is one of the reasons as to why this board is here in the first place. We all come here broken with the hopes of finding some solace, words of advice, strength, just to be able to vent. I hope that in some way, the participants of this community can help you mend... even if in some small way.
You already know what you have to do, and although it is not something that you want to do, and incredibly painful... you have to do it. I just hope that she can find her way back home to you.
My wife told me on the morning of the day that she moved out that if you love someone or something, you have to let it go. And it if comes back to you, then it was meant to be. No, those words didn't make me feel any better because in my mind, we should not have even made it to that point. But no matter how many degrees I was able to obtain, or my military service to my country, or whatever my accomplishments... I was unable to stop her from walking out of that door.
We feel your pain brother... we grieve with you. Be strong and continue to walk with your head up.
DS -
You are completely right. I know deep down that I have to let her go.. she has to figure this out on her own. But that does't help the pain go away. It's funny - my whole life I have been a problem solver (I am an engineer), but the one thing I want most, I cannot fix.
I also read your post, and I am sorry for what you are going through as well.
Thanks so much for the advice and kind words - it feels good to have people to talk to this about, especially people that understand from the heart...
Thanks cpt confused, I hope your W comes to her senses. It seems like she is giving you some notice and may come to her senses. Maybe she would go to couples counseling ? My W is not receptive to anything but a D. All she says is get a Lawyer. Sad really after 30 year thats all she has to say. I can't save it, just a hope I can pick up the pieces and move on at some point. I hope you can save your situation, but you have to brace for the storm I guess. What do I know...
Couldn't have said it better myself DS. She is/was? the center of my Universe for sure. I have stood by her through some pretty bad stuff - but that is in the past to her and she only remembers the petty things I did wrong. Not the grand and noble things I did for her. You are right, I need to be strong for my daughter and hold my head high. I did nothing wrong or dishonorable.
DS - I also agree with you about the amount of good guys I read on here that this happens to... I see myself as a good guy - I never cheated on my wife, even though I have had many opportunities, I tried to always tell her I loved her, be flirtatious, etc.. But I know I am not perfect - but she wont tell me what she is dissatisfied with - it's the "it's not you it's me syndrome" It's so frustrating.... but I know deep down that this is about her (I am willing to improve also), and that she has to be happy with herself, or she will never he happy with me...
The emotional roller-coaster is just unreal - at times I feel like I am king of the world and that I will be just fine. I was too co-dependant on her and I need to be happy with myself by myself... Then WHAM!!!! I get a paralyzing hurt and uncontrollable tears at how much I will miss sharing my life with her and how much I miss being with her.....
Counseling it out of the question with her - her masters is in Clinical Mental Health Counseling... I have read some good self help books and some of them suggest that getting them into counseling can be dangerous, as they will want to get her in touch with her "feelings", those same feeling that are clouding her judgement at the moment... so why have her concentrate on those... but like you said - what do I know.... I was happy and had a good life until a few weeks ago...
I'm sorry cpt confused, maybe she should get a "significant" job and see what a ***** it is. Maybe then she will appreciate what you have done for her all these years.
After what my W did I am sure no expert on women, but what I don't understand is why your W can't get a big job and still stay married ....
Counseling it out of the question with her - her masters is in Clinical Mental Health Counseling... I have read some good self help books and some of them suggest that getting them into counseling can be dangerous, as they will want to get her in touch with her "feelings", those same feeling that are clouding her judgement at the moment... so why have her concentrate on those... but like you said - what do I know.... I was happy and had a good life until a few weeks ago...
Wow I didn't know that at all. So counseling could be dangerous. I see your point, I think maybe that's my wife's problem.
I think that is part of the problem with guys like us.... we make someone else the center of our universe - either because of our upbringing or morals or what not (I am not a particularly religious person, but I am a very moral person), when we should be making sure that we are taken care of and that we are happy with ourselves. The goal seems so clear to me, but the steps on how to get there are totally off my radar.
I really feel for you, as your wife is on the fast track to divorce and you have children involved, but what your wife is going through seems very similar to what mine is going through - I am 99% sure my wife is having a midlife crisis - And I know I, like you, want to be there for them and help them get through this, but they don't want our help.... I think subconsciously they blame us for their unhappiness with themselves...I think it takes time for them to realize that they have to be happy with themselves - if they can realize that..
But - I do know that no matter what happens, if we spend time improving ourselves (which is going to be the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life), we will be in a better place to handle whatever the wives send our way...
I really think she blames me for what she is going through, even though she won't say it. I think women in this state of mind think that they need a "clean slate", a "fresh start"... that will make them happy - when in the end I think most of them regret the decisions they make because they realize that the grass isn't greener...
Wife is leaving, Im devastated....
