I'm now sitting here in a half empty house. It's an odd feeling, it's like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. It's really happening. My love has walked out on me. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since late Oct.
Thats when she told me that she was thinking of divorce and that she'd be leaving in January.
I love my wife, I'm a good guy, I won't even consider cheating, I'm not abusive verbally or mentally. I don't play games, we always are able to work out our problems and don't go to bed mad.
I am still stunned about what has happened. She says we don't connect emotionally, don't communicate. She says she needs time to figure herself out. She seems to be a totally different person that I've never known. I'm very confused.
Someone at lunch had commented that one cannot honestly truly be happy in a relationship unless they are happy with themselves.
She said that our whole relationship has been a lie. So basically i've been living in a dream for the last 5 years, 2 of which we are married. we even got remarried recently and have been trying to have children.
We are both busy people, but even though i'm a dense dumb guy, i still live and learn and make adjustments, thats just life. She's been busy all year, and when she finally got unbusy I've realized that we've changed roles. I'm now the one wanting to spend time and just be together.
Earlier in our relationship, she said that I wasn't giving her what she needed, (quality time, physical touch) I'd just play games, watch tv, study for work etc. so she put up a wall, a wall that would she would just continue building to tell herself that she doesn't need what she wants. The wall has gotten so tall that she isn't able to see over it or move it. She's like a totally different person. We're on opposite sides of the lets stay married spectrum. (she stopped going to marriage counseling after two sessions, but says she'll continue again later after being moved)
I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you bit there.
It's like some sort of identity crisis she's going through and the only way she can figure it out is to move out. I volunteered to give her space etc....to no avail. She says she needs to do this. There is nothing I can do. I've started to see a counselor myself in the meantime.
We just went through the most akward holidays ever. At least the families were being nice.
I really want things to work out, but at the same time I think its messed up that we both have to move and I have to wait for her to make up her mind as to if she wants to stay married or not.
I mean who wants to start over again? i dont. (with dating, relationship building etc.)
I'm so confused, I'm dying on the inside, I don't know what to say, and I know the only thing left to do is wait. (time will tell and time will heal i guess) I really do love her and this is killing me.
She's calling it a trial separation, so i guess thats positive. but i dont want to be strung along. I dont deserve that.
gonna go to work and try to forget about it. its so hard to stay positive.
thx for reading the rant, had to get it off my chest.
Last edited by Nice Guys Finish Last; 01-04-2010 at 09:08 PM.
I've said it once, and I surely don't mind saying it again. Men DO love their wives and we do know how to love. We are not the mindless and carefree drones that we have been made out to be.
I swear that there is something in the water. What is is with all of these broken relationships around the holidays?! Why is it so difficult to communicate before things get to this point? What is this, "I need space" or, "I need time to find myself crap"? Why does this always have to hit us over the head like a huge rock that just fell off of the side of a mountain?
I don't understand. How many times have we heard... "I wish that I had a good man to take care of me and love me"? Yet, when there is one right there sleeping next to you every night, we're pushed away?
Ladies, it goes the same for you too in where the tables are turned. I just don't understand this.
NGFL... take a good look around this board and read what others have had to say. You will surely see that you are NOT alone in this department. It's like an epidemic that's hitting as hard as the swine flu.
All I can say is what I've always said, keep your head high and take it day by day. Over time, it gets easier. There is nothing that you can say that is going to change her mind. You are forced to walk away and sit outside confused and wondering if things will improve and if she will want you again. It's a horrible way to live, but you are not alone. I'm in the same boat you are.
Keep posting here and keep reading what others have posted. Just knowing that you are not alone and reading over other's experiences might help lessen your pain a little.
Hey NGFL,
You know, I should have your user name as mine!! I have to agree 100% with DS. It is like an epidemic. I'm new to this board, but everyday, someone new has the same tragic story. I've been going to a therapist for a couple of months now, and she told me that the tides have changed. I'm 40, and growing up, I always heard that it was always the man cheating on the wife. I remember telling myself that I wouldn't be one of those guys. Well, the playing field is level now. NGFL, a lot of us on this board are in the boat with you, men and women alike. It's certainly not a place any of us want to be, but here it is. Like DS said, try to keep your head up, and take it day by day. Vent all you want on here. There's like hundreds of us willing to listen and willing to help you get through this. Read all the posts, you'll see you are definitely not alone. I've gotten through the past year (my W and I have been together 17 years) by surrounding myself with family, friends, being active, and going back to church. I've never been all too religious, but I've discovered the healing powers of prayer. You probably don't want to hear this, but it does get better with time. Believe me, it does. We all just wish we could fast-forward to the good parts! Hang in there, my man. You will be stronger after all the smoke has cleared. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish all the best for you.
I am so on the same page with yall. What is going on here? Is it the water? Its like that movie the invasion. I have said it before they are like pod people. All the same story dont love you, dont want to work through it, need space, complete emotional withdrawl. Im so sorry for you. Nice guys do not finish last. You hang in there and run the race. At least you are not quitting in the middle. I know you are hurting right now, sometimes the pain and rejection is indescribable. We are here for you, to listen to you and we are here to be on YOUR side. You will come out of this. All of us will. Posted via Mobile Device
Your story is an echo of my story... I really feel for you. I can at least tell you some things that I am doing to help me cope..
Read - I have read every online book about making up, wife's midlife crisis, how to save a marriage, etc. While I dont agree with all the advise I have read, there are common themes that resonate.
Try to take care of yourself - eat right (this is the hardest thing for me to do - I can hardly eat at all, but I force myself) and exercise at least every other day... it helps you feel better about you.
Keep posting and reading here - we are all going through this together and we are all here for each other..
Thanks Dreaded Soulja, cpt confused, dumped, noideato, I really appreciate the support. I'm really cannot believe what has happened to me, all of us. Its really sudden. A real life changer, a real game changer. Life as you know it is so different.
I have been an independent person before her and I know I can be now because I have to be. the thing is, I chose to need her, but i guess she didn't choose me. its a hard pill to swallow, and its going down sideways.
she loves me but shes not IN love with me. wow.
i will go back to church, i think it could help, but only after i get settled back in. I mean i just converted to her religion! took a freakin year and this is part of the thanks i get.
I know i have been emotionally neglectful to her emotions and needs and contributed to a wall between us, but i have tried and tried and realized the error of my ways and I made/make adjustments...i'm not perfect by any means, but i'm a hell of a nice guy, thoughtful, willing to put my ass on the line when needed , dependable, caring, financially responsible, have a hell of a job, work hard, and the list goes on....i became a better person because i wanted to and she helped.....
i just dont understand it.....its so difficult for me right now.
one thing random comes to mind, i said i'd die for her one day and she said never say that. you're too devoted to me.....
i guess that was an early sign about 6 months ago?
im dying on the inside, i'm still in disbelief.
I cant believe that the same story is happening to so many people on a daily basis.
Been there, doing that. After 3 months from where you are currently, I am now sitting in a half empty house - as in half of the stuff was taken. Believe me when I say it can go from bad to worse in the blink of an eye.
Hey NGFL,
You know, I read the part about you saying you'd die for her and that you're "too devoted," whatever that means, the thing is, it always sneaks up on ya. It did me. How it happened to me was my wife started to ask if she could go out. We lived a domesticated life, get up, go to work, come home, fix dinner, help daughter w homework, watch TV, go to bed, repeat. When it came to going out, it was usually me going out with the guys to watch a ballgame and it seemed that we were content with what we built from scratch. I didn't mind her going out with her friends from work, in fact, I was almost pushing her out the door. I thought it was a good thing for her. Then it became more and more frequent. She'd always be sketchy on the details. Finally, she hit me with the "I love you but.." thing and my whole burned down around me. As it turned out, through some pretty good detective work, she was going out on dates with someone all along. Brother, devastated is too nice a word to describe how I felt. I've been a good husband to her, like you, everyone tells me I'm the nicest guy they've ever met, and very responsible. Now 11 months later, we're still in the house because of finances, her boyfriend left his wife for mine, she goes out on dates sometimes 3-4 times a week RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE! You can only imagine what the holidays were like! I guess my point is, I thought at first that I'd never be able to go on living without my W. But I'm coping, almost numb to it. Can't wait to get out of this damn house and the divorce final. It's a long, rocky, treacherous road ahead of you. Stay the course. Take care of yourself. Read the other posts. It's therapy. Soon enough, you'll be the one giving the advice! All the best to you.
Hi to all you men it happens to us women to all i did was work and love my husband but he couldn`t see that. Im doing one day at a time and never saying never. I hope we can sort it. If you cant move on be positive and new love will find you. Good luck
Hey NGFL,
You know, I read the part about you saying you'd die for her and that you're "too devoted," whatever that means, the thing is, it always sneaks up on ya. It did me. How it happened to me was my wife started to ask if she could go out. We lived a domesticated life, get up, go to work, come home, fix dinner, help daughter w homework, watch TV, go to bed, repeat. When it came to going out, it was usually me going out with the guys to watch a ballgame and it seemed that we were content with what we built from scratch. I didn't mind her going out with her friends from work, in fact, I was almost pushing her out the door. I thought it was a good thing for her. Then it became more and more frequent. She'd always be sketchy on the details. Finally, she hit me with the "I love you but.." thing and my whole burned down around me. As it turned out, through some pretty good detective work, she was going out on dates with someone all along. Brother, devastated is too nice a word to describe how I felt. I've been a good husband to her, like you, everyone tells me I'm the nicest guy they've ever met, and very responsible. Now 11 months later, we're still in the house because of finances, her boyfriend left his wife for mine, she goes out on dates sometimes 3-4 times a week RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE! You can only imagine what the holidays were like! I guess my point is, I thought at first that I'd never be able to go on living without my W. But I'm coping, almost numb to it. Can't wait to get out of this damn house and the divorce final. It's a long, rocky, treacherous road ahead of you. Stay the course. Take care of yourself. Read the other posts. It's therapy. Soon enough, you'll be the one giving the advice! All the best to you.
wow, that sounds very difficult to deal with. i'm sorry man.
Reading everyone's situation I think if someone doesn't know us seperately we could all be the same guy! It does seem to be a pattern lately....must be something in the water. I'm 5 months into it and numb to the whole situation. We too are living in the same house and I am just to the point of wishing it was over. Best of luck to you all!
My husband and I are going through this now too. He was feeling the way your wife is, and I would play you in the story. He said we don't communicate, nothing in common, he needed time, etc. Well, after a while, that's what happened. He got time. I had time to find myself as well. Now, I'm not going to say this will happen to you, but he recently told me that he wanted to work on things again. You can read my other posts and see how dire my situation looked, so you know that things can turn around. Just give her the time she needs. I pushed my husband at first and it made things worse. Take the time to find yourself again. It will help you pass the time and help your wife see that you're able to enjoy yourself without her company and show that you're not too needy or dependent on her for your happiness. I wish you the best.
My husband and I are going through this now too. He was feeling the way your wife is, and I would play you in the story. He said we don't communicate, nothing in common, he needed time, etc. Well, after a while, that's what happened. He got time. I had time to find myself as well. Now, I'm not going to say this will happen to you, but he recently told me that he wanted to work on things again. You can read my other posts and see how dire my situation looked, so you know that things can turn around. Just give her the time she needs. I pushed my husband at first and it made things worse. Take the time to find yourself again. It will help you pass the time and help your wife see that you're able to enjoy yourself without her company and show that you're not too needy or dependent on her for your happiness. I wish you the best.
Thanks for the response. things are so different now and i'm only a week in. things are strange and I hope to do some soul searching as well... right now work has me really busy. I'll read your posts soon. thanks for reading mine.
It just sounds like you bored her out of any interest in you. You are nearly pure Beta Male. You need to add some Alpha Male excitment and flair.
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If you can only read one book about this stuff read "Mating in captivity". That comment about dying for her - is part of a pattern of being too nice, and emotionally crowding her.
I know this sucks but I really believe that the things that have kept it hot for us are:
- We have both stayed fit for ourselves and each other - this is a sign of commitment to passion that really means something
- I make an effort to keep it fun and light most of the time. She is happy to be around me as I radiate an upbeat vibe. I don't avoid serious stuff but don't dwell on it.
- She knows she is my highest priority but I don't crowd her. I never try and pull her off a call with friends - never pressure her to come home soon when she is out or working late - really and truly never. In fact I stay a half ratchet further away from her then she wants so she gets to come to me - call it a light chase. She knows I love her and am committed - but that is way different then crowding someone. I say I love you just a bit less then she does. Stuff like that matters. I think she considers me a little bit of a challenge but NOT a flirt and NOT a cheat. High trust factor - low emotional claustrophobia factor.
- I make sure to playfully overpower her physically on a regular basis. I never hurt her - and am not jerky about it. Think lion cubs when they wrestle - except I always win.
- When we argue she usually wins. If she is biitchy about something I inflict serious emotional pain before it resolves. Who cares if you say your sorry even when you weren't really wrong. Make it painful enough and wife is not going to be nasty to you very often. My primary pain infliction is simply the absence of the really fun/helpful guy she is used to. He gets replaced by quiet / unhelpful guy.
- I made sure to learn just how aggressive/dominant she wanted me to be "in bed" and I am that way because it is what works best for HER - also fun for me . This last matters a lot in the friendzone avoidance scheme.
- I am NOT conflict avoidant with her. But I don't yell and scream and / or threaten when we have conflict. I have worked hard to learn how to ask a very tough question in a sharp tone of voice and then let her answer hang and hang and hang. Very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of this. I only do it when provoked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nice Guys Finish Last
Thanks Dreaded Soulja, cpt confused, dumped, noideato, I really appreciate the support. I'm really cannot believe what has happened to me, all of us. Its really sudden. A real life changer, a real game changer. Life as you know it is so different.
I have been an independent person before her and I know I can be now because I have to be. the thing is, I chose to need her, but i guess she didn't choose me. its a hard pill to swallow, and its going down sideways.
she loves me but shes not IN love with me. wow.
i will go back to church, i think it could help, but only after i get settled back in. I mean i just converted to her religion! took a freakin year and this is part of the thanks i get.
I know i have been emotionally neglectful to her emotions and needs and contributed to a wall between us, but i have tried and tried and realized the error of my ways and I made/make adjustments...i'm not perfect by any means, but i'm a hell of a nice guy, thoughtful, willing to put my ass on the line when needed , dependable, caring, financially responsible, have a hell of a job, work hard, and the list goes on....i became a better person because i wanted to and she helped.....
i just dont understand it.....its so difficult for me right now.
one thing random comes to mind, i said i'd die for her one day and she said never say that. you're too devoted to me.....
i guess that was an early sign about 6 months ago?
im dying on the inside, i'm still in disbelief.
I cant believe that the same story is happening to so many people on a daily basis.
wife left me day 1
. This last matters a lot in the friendzone avoidance scheme.
