Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?
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Old 07-31-2013, 08:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

Just wondering if anyone else has went through this as well.

My STBXW just really has no communication with me or my oldest 13 year old son. As a matter of fact she cut out her whole family; Mother, Father, Brother, Aunts, Cousins, ETC..

She basically moved in with the other man and is just hanging out with his family.

She does not see my 13 year old and he is with me 7 days a week. But will see my youngest 8 year old 2 days out of the week, every week.

She never really told me anything beyond the ILUBNILWU and basically "I'm sorry I just don't love you anymore". So I to say I am admittingly left in the dark with some of this. I would have been a bit more comfortable with all of this if she would have explained where it all fell apart. In the end I am left without some adequate closure.

My other issue is I usually call my kids everyday from work ( I work Mon to Fri ) and even when my youngest is with his mother. My Ex will probably call once during the week to speak to my youngest when he is with me and usually when I am at work.

But my Ex states she only has a cell phone as her primary number. But if I don't call during the specified time I told her in the past, she will not pick up the phone and she will not answer my text. End result I know my son is up watching TV but she will not let me speak with him.

I told her if she isn't going to be flexible then it can go both ways. I have the ability to block her cell phone from call my home and this way she will only be able to speak with him by calling my cell phone. Like the saying goes what is good for the Goose and is good for the Gander.

My Ex only works 3 days a week and barely works 4 hours during those days so she has a lot of free time on her hand.

I expressed concerns about her dealing with our oldest and told her she needs to fix that relationship. It has fallen on deaf ears. I suggested counseling even to the point of telling her to see my therapist that I go to, just trying to deal with this situation.

As a side note, I've been to 3 therapist so far, why ? Because the last 2 told me nothing was wrong with me. I've come to find out from the 3rd one that he feels the same. Nutshell I'm a man with a broken heart and that I might be feeling a bit more pain then someone else going through this because I seen it happen to my mom when my dad left never to come back. Nutshell this is a bit more magnified for me.

Though we both agree I am angry and have a vengeful streak in me.

I understand clearly even before talking to a therapist that my wife is ashamed and this is why she has a hard time talking with me or my oldest son.

I have asked my youngest if mommy asks about me, his brother or anyone for that matter and he says no. I get she has moved on, but I know also that burying her head in the sand will not help her fix her issues.

My Ex tries to play it off like she is okay and laughs at me to some extent, which admittingly pisses me off. Her comments are like she is okay with all of this and its all me. E.G. "I'm fine, it you that is having these issues and is going to therapy"

I do believe that this is just part of her infidelity fog and I have read here and other places, this fog sometimes takes years to lift depending on the situation. Right now she has someone to lean on and even though its crappy for them financially, she still has not hit rock bottom.

I don't bother even trying to point out how she isolated herself and I will eventually use this against her in court if needed.

So my whole point of this thread is just to find out if anyone else went through or is going through something similar in which a Ex is shut everyone out and if they ever recovered or if not.

I have used similar post in the past to gauge certain out comes and it has been very helpful to me.

As a side note: After previewing this thread I know it sound sort of timid. Trust me I am not. I am very vengeful and calculated. I feel bad for my Ex in some ways because of my kids but in the end I intend on getting full custody of my boys. She no longer is on a pedestal and to me now I am playing chess while she is playing checkers. In the end I want her clearly see how bad of a mistake she made leaving and ruining our lives and my kids lives.
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Old 07-31-2013, 08:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

I"m sorry you never got closure for the M, I don't think most of us really do.
I am dealing with a STBXH who has no communication with our eldest D16. She discovered his EA/PA and I'd like to think there is some embarrassment on his part. I'd like to think that. But I don't really. He's too vengeful. My X has been totally un-remorseful for his conduct, to the point of blaming D for outing him. He actually screamed at her "My life would be fine if you had kept your trap shut." None of which is true since I was starting to discover what he was up to prior to D-day. In his sick mind, his behavior had nothing to do with the D. Either its the D16 fault for ousting, or my fault for being non-supportive. He does communicate (somewhat) with our younger D11, but only by texts. He hasn't seen either of them in months. Like your X, he cut himself off from his family, but looking back I think that really started before the separation.
No recovery in sight.
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Old 07-31-2013, 09:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

Handle,

She likely would have told you if she knew.
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Old 07-31-2013, 09:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

@ Pluto2

Sorry to hear that he blames his daughter for his mistakes.

You know what I can add which slipped my mind, My Ex had no friends really. Her friends were my friends or the spouses of my friends. If she made friends, she would eventually drop them. Not a fight or anything, they just faded away. She would just stop calling them or hanging out with them.

@Conrad

Your right, I have heard this before. I just tend to forget it.

But I truly do believe that when she discovers why she left, she will see how stupid and shallow it was.
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Old 07-31-2013, 10:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

You need to stop talking to your STBXW and blaming yourself for this. I know you have to communicate because of kids but it needs to be short and cold and through email/text, not on the phone. You need to avoid seeing or hearing from her like the plague.

She is not your problem, she is an adult and can do whatever she wishes no matter how stupid or bad it is. You can’t control it so stop worrying about it. You are way too emotionally tied to her.

You are better than her. Your ego is still bruised because you think you were not good enough. You could have been the perfect husband and it wouldn’t have mattered. She failed as a wife, the blame for all this mess rest on her shoulders.

The breakup with the gf was predictable, she was a rebound and you are still not over your ex. Technically an A is also a rebound and odds are it won’t last a year. With any luck by then you’ll see your STBXW for who she really is, not for what you think she is. You seem to be in denial about what she has done. You need to accept that she is just a bad person.

I think you are angry at the situation when you should be angry with her. You need to see her as the enemy because in her eyes that’s what you are.

I say this because I did the same thing and didn’t really move forward until I put the blame on her instead of blaming myself for being a bad husband. I was afraid to get angry at her but it ended up being my saving grace. Telling her “I want to get the embarrassment of a marriage over with” ended being the first step towards R with me.
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Old 07-31-2013, 10:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
@Conrad

Your right, I have heard this before. I just tend to forget it.

But I truly do believe that when she discovers why she left, she will see how stupid and shallow it was.
Then her pride will likely kick in.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
Just wondering if anyone else has went through this as well.

My STBXW just really has no communication with me or my oldest 13 year old son. As a matter of fact she cut out her whole family; Mother, Father, Brother, Aunts, Cousins, ETC..

She basically moved in with the other man and is just hanging out with his family...

...As a side note: After previewing this thread I know it sound sort of timid. Trust me I am not. I am very vengeful and calculated. I feel bad for my Ex in some ways because of my kids but in the end I intend on getting full custody of my boys. She no longer is on a pedestal and to me now I am playing chess while she is playing checkers. In the end I want her clearly see how bad of a mistake she made leaving and ruining our lives and my kids lives.
When you've got the spare time, feel free to review my thread... You'll see plenty of similarities, I'm sure.

More later...
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArmyofJuan View Post
You need to stop talking to your STBXW and blaming yourself for this. I know you have to communicate because of kids but it needs to be short and cold and through email/text, not on the phone. You need to avoid seeing or hearing from her like the plague.

She is not your problem, she is an adult and can do whatever she wishes no matter how stupid or bad it is. You can’t control it so stop worrying about it. You are way too emotionally tied to her.

You are better than her. Your ego is still bruised because you think you were not good enough. You could have been the perfect husband and it wouldn’t have mattered. She failed as a wife, the blame for all this mess rest on her shoulders.

The breakup with the gf was predictable, she was a rebound and you are still not over your ex. Technically an A is also a rebound and odds are it won’t last a year. With any luck by then you’ll see your STBXW for who she really is, not for what you think she is. You seem to be in denial about what she has done. You need to accept that she is just a bad person.

I think you are angry at the situation when you should be angry with her. You need to see her as the enemy because in her eyes that’s what you are.

I say this because I did the same thing and didn’t really move forward until I put the blame on her instead of blaming myself for being a bad husband. I was afraid to get angry at her but it ended up being my saving grace. Telling her “I want to get the embarrassment of a marriage over with” ended being the first step towards R with me.
I must have miscommunicated.

I only call my wife cell phone to speak to my son when he is with her. I only text her otherwise to have a record of the conversation. But that is few and far between as the divorce is almost done.

At this stage I am not at all blaming myself. I know it is all her fault. In the beginning I did, like many do. But I figured out months back it wasn't my fault. I made mistakes, but I know clearly nothing that would warrant an affair.

About a month and a half ago or a month ago, the last strip of having her on the pedestal was removed. I see her like I do any other woman.

As for the GF, I haven't posted up on my thread but we are dating and have been dating for a bit. Like anything we sort of see what our issues are and are learning to work with them. Being in your 40s and set in certain ways, on top of having our own issues and fears we are both a bit controlling. As an example she states no man will ever control her finances again, as her deceased husband put her in financial ruin. As for myself I refuse to have my spouse control my finances that I work for because she put me in some slight ruin and also used it as her personal piggy bank to go around and have an affair. If I paid more attention to my bills I would have discovered this when it started out as an EA.

But in all honesty regardless I can say it would have done nothing but delay the inevitable. If it wasn't this one it would be the next one.

Once the divorce is final then I will go after the child support. I hope she never contacts my oldest and I hope my oldest doesn't speak to her either. This way if I was forced to take her to court, my sons testimony will be somewhat devastating against my Ex. She will be very hard pressed to explain to a judge why she failed to try to contact her son when I will have text messages showing that I was requesting her to try to fix this relationship between them.

Again my thoughts regarding that are I might as well get everything I can out of this. Its a business transaction at this point. I might as well come out ahead if I can.

I am not responsible for my Ex wife and son relationship. That is her issue. My responsibility is to make sure me and my son are good and we are.

Another great thing is his 3rd quarter grades dropped during our fake R and divorce. Once she left in the 4th quarter and he was home alone with me his grades improved dramatically. Which is another point in my column for possible custody battles.

I will make it clear here I have zero intentions of getting back with my EX. I have no reason to. I have everything. I have the kids, I have the house, I have my pension, I have my other retirement funds, I have a GF 3 years younger then me and 6 years younger then the EX, the GF makes twice as much as the EX and hardly works ( mind you my ex works 12 hours a week ), I will say that both of them are equally attractive not to sound biased towards the GF but the GF has youth on her side. Nutshell things are a bit higher up on the GF then the Ex..

The GF does come with 2 twin girls. But I'm not that shallow of a man that I would consider that as a negative. To me its having 2 girls I never had.

Why do I post that ? Just to enforce that my EX is not a pedestal anymore. I do see things as they are.

If anything my biggest concern is for my son. As much as part of me relishes in this situation because of looking at the bigger picture. It is my son and it does bother me for his sake.
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pbartender View Post
When you've got the spare time, feel free to review my thread... You'll see plenty of similarities, I'm sure.

More later...
Just started reading it PB..
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Old 08-29-2013, 04:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
Just wondering if anyone else has went through this as well.

My STBXW just really has no communication with me or my oldest 13 year old son. As a matter of fact she cut out her whole family; Mother, Father, Brother, Aunts, Cousins, ETC..

She basically moved in with the other man and is just hanging out with his family.

She does not see my 13 year old and he is with me 7 days a week. But will see my youngest 8 year old 2 days out of the week, every week.

She never really told me anything beyond the ILUBNILWU and basically "I'm sorry I just don't love you anymore". So I to say I am admittingly left in the dark with some of this. I would have been a bit more comfortable with all of this if she would have explained where it all fell apart. In the end I am left without some adequate closure.

My other issue is I usually call my kids everyday from work ( I work Mon to Fri ) and even when my youngest is with his mother. My Ex will probably call once during the week to speak to my youngest when he is with me and usually when I am at work.

But my Ex states she only has a cell phone as her primary number. But if I don't call during the specified time I told her in the past, she will not pick up the phone and she will not answer my text. End result I know my son is up watching TV but she will not let me speak with him.

I told her if she isn't going to be flexible then it can go both ways. I have the ability to block her cell phone from call my home and this way she will only be able to speak with him by calling my cell phone. Like the saying goes what is good for the Goose and is good for the Gander.

My Ex only works 3 days a week and barely works 4 hours during those days so she has a lot of free time on her hand.

I expressed concerns about her dealing with our oldest and told her she needs to fix that relationship. It has fallen on deaf ears. I suggested counseling even to the point of telling her to see my therapist that I go to, just trying to deal with this situation.

As a side note, I've been to 3 therapist so far, why ? Because the last 2 told me nothing was wrong with me. I've come to find out from the 3rd one that he feels the same. Nutshell I'm a man with a broken heart and that I might be feeling a bit more pain then someone else going through this because I seen it happen to my mom when my dad left never to come back. Nutshell this is a bit more magnified for me.

Though we both agree I am angry and have a vengeful streak in me.

I understand clearly even before talking to a therapist that my wife is ashamed and this is why she has a hard time talking with me or my oldest son.

I have asked my youngest if mommy asks about me, his brother or anyone for that matter and he says no. I get she has moved on, but I know also that burying her head in the sand will not help her fix her issues.

My Ex tries to play it off like she is okay and laughs at me to some extent, which admittingly pisses me off. Her comments are like she is okay with all of this and its all me. E.G. "I'm fine, it you that is having these issues and is going to therapy"

I do believe that this is just part of her infidelity fog and I have read here and other places, this fog sometimes takes years to lift depending on the situation. Right now she has someone to lean on and even though its crappy for them financially, she still has not hit rock bottom.

I don't bother even trying to point out how she isolated herself and I will eventually use this against her in court if needed.

So my whole point of this thread is just to find out if anyone else went through or is going through something similar in which a Ex is shut everyone out and if they ever recovered or if not.

I have used similar post in the past to gauge certain out comes and it has been very helpful to me.

As a side note: After previewing this thread I know it sound sort of timid. Trust me I am not. I am very vengeful and calculated. I feel bad for my Ex in some ways because of my kids but in the end I intend on getting full custody of my boys. She no longer is on a pedestal and to me now I am playing chess while she is playing checkers. In the end I want her clearly see how bad of a mistake she made leaving and ruining our lives and my kids lives.
I have recieved that treatment too. I have not heard or seen my wife but once, and that was during our separation hearing, in 3 months.

Its hard but you should try the 180 rule and start your life ofer, I believe in KARMA and believe that it will react accordingly.

Think about yourself and spent time away from the house and stay busy. I hit the gym every night and are seeing the results that I have been looking for, it will also help you feel better about your image.

I go out to a local country dance bar with a live band, it cost me $5 cover and maybe a $2 beer to hang out. I even got asked to dance with a beautiful woman the last time.

Hope this helps, its what I am going through right now.
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Old 08-29-2013, 04:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

STBX left the first of July and I have not talked with him but one time. That one time was one to many. I have no interest in caring why he didn't want the marriage to work. It's his loss X #8 OMG
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Old 08-29-2013, 04:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

Here's a solution to minimize interaction with her: get your youngest son a cheapo cell phone that you give him when he goes to mommy's house.
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Old 11-07-2013, 03:25 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex ( Wife ) little to no communication during divorce, anyone else ?

I perfectly understand your situation at the moment, although divorce affects the partners in a relationship, the most affected are the children who are sometime caught in the middle of the situation, feeling confused. What is important is for you to keep the love and respect that your kids have for you, and their mother as well. I have heard of divorced wives "brainwashing" the kids just to make it appear that it's the other's party's fault why the relationship failed. I know that the kid's lives wouldn't be normal as their parents have separated, but you can shield them from further pain by trying to be 'civil' in front of them. You must also understand that just like you, they are also going through tough times because of the separation.
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