Its been a long emotional week and I am in a really low place this morning. Just trying to get up and at least go get a coffee to cheer myself up.
Okay, I made it thru my first "girl's weekend". I had fun, but I had a lot of moments that I thought about H and everything we did together and everything that went wrong. The good still far outweighs the bad and I still can't fully accept that he's gone. When I came home from my trip, he had moved more of his things from the house. I broke down crying. The house was so empty and it was like I'd been shoved back to the beginning and I am starting over with all of my emotions. I am so lost and I'm afraid I will never find my way back to happiness..
My girlfriend at work keeps an eye on me. She keeps me invited to the happy hours and other outings. I went to a function last night with her and some other co-workers. Problem is, even on a good day, I am not social. Mix in thoughts of H and I am completely useless. I stayed and tried to be involved in the conversations, but I was miserable. It was good to be out and be around people on a Friday night, but I just couldn't seem to let go completely. The outing last night and the trip last weekend have put me so far outside of my comfort zone! Even 6 months ago I would never have done those things - so I feel proud that I am taking baby steps.
Its been 2 months and I still find myself crying every day. Wishing my life were over so I wouldn't have to endure this pain. The thought of even trying to meet someone else just makes me want to hide. At 2 months, should I be much further along? He is moving on with his life - making tons of friends and having fun. I made the comment that I couldn't just turn off 14 years of feelings for him overnight and it would be a long time before I could ever think about a new relationship. I know he has a casual girlfriend - don't really want to know how serious they are. Part of me is waiting for him to see that the grass isn't greener but part of me really does not want to even think about another relationship. What is wrong with me? I don't want to spend my life alone, but all I can think of is "what if I have to go through this kind of pain again?" I know its part of life, but... I'm so confused.
Hi, Zoe, your situation sounds very similar to mine-my H moved out almost a month ago. And though we get along much better apart than we did together, I'm still not sure what will happen next. I get mixed signals-not sure if a divorce will ever happen, or if we'll eventually get back together.
It sounds as though you're doing everything right-keep taking good care of yourself, and stay busy. I've been trying to do that myself-taking care of the house, working full time, etc.
I wish you all the best.
I just have to talk to someone: I just found out husband has a girlfriend. I knew he'd been meeting people, but I had hoped he wouldn't get involved with someone else right away. I am so sad, angry, confused. How can you spend 14 years with someone and not love them? I feel like such an idiot for not seeing how that I was living in a dream and he was unhappy. I feel like I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and no one told me so I could get help and now I am slowly dying inside. I know I made mistakes and so did he. There was a period of several years when he was always sick and I stuck by him. I was very unhappy, but I knew that marriage was through sick and health. He became unhappy and got to walk away. I am left here alone in a house that has nothing but him everywhere I look. He keeps saying I don't understand why he left. I do understand, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. I feel so stupid so not trying to make changes earlier. He wants to stay in my life, to be friends but, I know once he gets into a serious relationship, I will get pushed aside and all of this will happen again. I can't do this any more.
I am sorry for your loss. I am just going to post a few random things for you to answer your question/thread title:
The guilt thing
You seem to be suffering from a massive case of guilt (and some anger too) and massive hurt. All normal. Don't despair. You are going to have to learn to forgive yourself as well as forgive him. It's hard. I am still working through it too.
I think I remember that my stb-x wife is human and in a lot of ways, she couldn't meet me half way on some issues because of how she was raised and who she is. It isn't her fault and it isn't mine. You know what I mean?
Accept your heart was broken by his rejecting you but at the same time, try not to take it personally. I know it's hard to not take it personally but as soon as your self-esteem starts getting restored, as did mine, you start to realize, "Hey, I am not such a bad person. So-and-so flirted with me today. . .I am getting a new job. . ." Whatever. Try not to define all that was and is you by the dissolving marriage.
The intimacy issue
Ah yes, intimacy and sex. A favorite topic around here.
I had a long monologue on this but I erased it because I am not sure if you are ready to talk about that subject right now, with a group of anonymous strangers. It may be too raw as I can tell you are feeling guilt on it.
But as you work on "you", whenever you are ready, you may want to explore why you were incapable of physical intimacy with your divorcing husband.
It could be an issue of anger, mistrust, power (withholding it), purely medical, or it could be something that you just weren't/aren't wired that way and don't need sex that much.
I have actually been wanting to get the opposite perspective here. . .from someone who is rather asexual, because I can tell you aren't a bad person. Maybe talking about it (eventually) would help both of us.
Depression
Complicating this even more, you sound clinically depressed. I am not just saying this as a random forum poster but as a type doctor who deals with depressed patients in pain. You are crying every day and barely functioning.
Whether this depression stemmed from before the relationship break-up or not, I don't know. . .only a trained professional could tell. But certainly if it did, the divorce has exacerbated it.
Get treatment and stabilize your emotional state while you work on healing and growing.
Scannerguard - Thanks for replying.
I do feel a lot of guilt about the break up. I feel bad because I knew in the back of my mind that things needed to be done but I didn't make any moves until we had the first real talk in October. Even then, I didn't do many things I should have because I didn't want to smother him or make him feel trapped.
I am still trying to figure out the intimacy issues. I refuse to blame the whole thing on medical issues and I know my lack of confidence played a large part. I had a problem with comparing myself to his prior girl-friends and worrying that I wasn't "good enough". When I put on weight, I was self-conscious and couldn't imagine how he would want anything to do with me. I am a very shy/introverted person and its been hard for me to talk about these issues, but I think this site has been good for me (I have a post in the Sex in Marriage forum).
I have considered the depression issue. I do cry at least once a day and I have some low days. I think yesterday, it was like reality just hit me like a wall. Even with the talk of divorce, it was easy to keep the glimmer of hope that we might re-connect. Now that there's a girlfriend, I feel like the light just went out. I am feeling a little better this morning after having a good cry and sharing my feelings last night. Mornings are always the toughest - it means I have to get up and face another day of not knowing where I am going. But I make myself get up. I go to work everyday and workout at the gym on a regular basis. When I'm home, I try to keep busy. I have been going to a therapist just so I have someone to talk to. I have recently re-connected with an old friend of mine who went through a divorce last year due to H affairs. I know that I should still be seeing a professional, but lunch with my friend is so therapeutic for me. I am trying to expand my life and do new things - volunteer work and maybe start going to church.
I think what makes everything so hard is never having had a relationship before him means I've never had a break-up. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to act. The first month, I tried so hard to be strong around him. When H asked how I was doing - I was fine. Didn't let on that I wasn't doing much outside of work or home. I think that he took that as meaning I was moving on and so could he. Unfortunately, its been harder to pretend and hide my pain when around him.
I'm looking at yesterday as the bottom of the well. I may still slip and fall once in a while, but I am going to try to climb back up to the sun.
I am so sorry ZoeCat, I know how you feel. Not sure if you have tried counseling yet, but it really helps. I have been doing it for the last month and it's good to talk to someone that can really listen and help. It's great to have as many friends as you have to talk to also and there is always us on this site.
It's just natural to cry and be upset in such a tramatic situation, but like scannerguard says it could be a major depression that you should have checked by your doctor. We will be praying for you !
Good job - friends are important. I don't beleive you have to medicalize every single event in your life. . .you are suffering massive grief and maybe in a way, you need to feel the pain, not dull it with meds. I just don't like to hear things like, "I don't know if I can go on." and "I am crying every day." (the posts are kind of jumbled so I am not sure if I mixed yours up with another). That's a case where you may need a medicine as well as counseling. . .just as a short term crutch.
I never really had a break-up either so I know what you are going through. . .it's like, "So. . .we are supposed to be friends? Huh? What? Are you insane?"
The confidence issue is probably a good focal point for you. Honestly, just like women, with men, there's nothing more sexy than a confident woman.
But just at a time when you need confidence, you've had the biggest confidence shatterer of all. .. the mother of all shatterers - your spouse left you and said he didn't love you.
Again, try NOT to personalize it. Him not loving you has nothing to do with you being lovable or being able to love or not. The two are disconnected and unrelated.
Try self-talk in the future of, "Yeah, I may not be a little ballet hottie like his last girlfriend but I sure can. . ." I know us guys have a reputation for being totally superficial and like women, there are some aspects of superficiality to us. . .but we aren't as superficial as you may think.
When the time comes in the future, you want to be able to be intimate emotionally and physically.
Looking to the future is good. However, first step is to accept the "now".
You existed before him, with him and you WILL after him. Your losing your identity OR identifying with him, your marriage and now your perceived failures. This is all false/imagined Zoecat.
You are you. Stop delving into the problems and stop focusing on what you dont have or what you perceive as wrong or lacking.
Your probably a great caring person. Whatever happened with H does NOT change that. Find yourself again.
I forget if your seeing a counselor or not but GET there, make an appointment tomorrow.
Don't think that someone is going to come make everything better. It's already OK and your going to be totally FINE!!!!!
Tomorrow, we want to hear what your've done to appreciate all you have done, where you are AND what you did to not let this situation define you.
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DIE TO THE PAST EVERY MOMENT - TWC
I don't always know what I'm talking about but I know I'm right. -Muhammad Ali
Thank you to all for your kind words. I made the big mistake of reading too much into a conversation I had with H on Sunday night. I walked away with a little glimmer of hope. It gave me something to hang onto but by Tuesday, I knew it was not there. I made a big mistake last night and had a complete meltdown in front of him. I threw things and yelled. I felt so mortified that I acted that way and even if I did ever have a chance a reconciliation - I'm sure that 's gone with my psycho behavior. I am hoping I can stay busy at work today to keep my mind off of my situation. Why can't I get over this? Why do I keep trying to pull him back to me when he was never happy with me? I feel like I am constantly taking one step forward and 2 steps back.
My husband expressed to me one more time last night that he only married me because that was what he was supposed to do. He hasn't felt in his heart like a husband to me for the 10 years we have been married. I have been running this through my mind all day long. That saddens me because these years together have been the happiest in my life. Maybe they were so happy because I had a best friend that I enjoyed being with and being married was just a side note. Right now, I am missing his company; being able to laugh at silly jokes with him; and just being able to call up and say "how's your day?" After last night, I know our marriage is over. I have to let go of any hope that he will come back to me in the life we were living. That chapter is over. There was a bond between us and although it has changed, I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him completely from my life and he feels the same way. Can two people make the transition from husband and wife to friends?
Well, let the "I told You So" begin since I have done everything I read not to do on this site. Some of us have to learn through our own experiences. But on the positive side: I am hoping to get into therapy again next week. My mother-in-law and I always got along well. I was afraid to talk to her but I took a chance and we had a good conversation this week. She doesn't pry into our business and is staying neutral in this whole situation. It was nice to have a mom to talk to since I can't talk to my own mother. I started a 90day challenge at my gym so maybe I can finally lose the weight I've been wanting to lose. So, I slipped back down into the well again this week, but I am hopeful that I can slowly start climbing again.
Oh yeah, I'm trying to find my social side: Anyone in Florida up for a Super Bowl Party??
Zoe: It's totally normal to be depressed during this time. Keep moving forward with the things that you like/can do. Working on you is the best and helps to take some focus off of him.
He's an ass. I can't help but say it as I've heard so many excuses as to why someone gets married or falls out of love. BS.
He didn't speak up. Add that to the big "Talk about Marriage" list of men/women who NEVER speak up. Then there family pays the price. Such cowards.
I understand the grief. Listen to Wren...she comes out the other side. I have come out the other side. 6 months ago we felt like you. It will get better.
Push yourself to reach out to others for help and support. You can do this...
Corpuswife: Thanks for responding. I'm going back and reading your prior posts about your situation. I feel like my H is no longer the man I married. Something snapped late last year and maybe this is a midlife crisis. I admit we were both unhappy at one period or another, but for 10 years? My H has always bucked the system and for him to say he did it because he was supposed to?? That just doesn't sit well with me. I know I am over thinking everything, but maybe that's the accountant in me. I have to say that for the first time today, I feel a little better. Maybe its just being able to put my thoughts down on paper (well, on a website ). Maybe a little anger is what I need to feel - it might get me up off my butt tomorrow and do something for me.
Zoe - you and I are in similar situations however the roles are reversed. It isn't logical that your H was unhappy for 10 yrs just like it's not correct for my W was not happy for 15 years. They are both rewriting the past to justify their behavior. Don't listen to any of it. It's pure BS. I am 4 months into this so I can pull away emotionally from the situation a lot easier than I used to.
Also, I agree with Corpuswife - they need to speak up if they are not happy. Just throwing it all away is COWARDLY. Rather than face the issues and work thru them they decided to take the easy way out - yep, cowards.
Hang in there and it will all work itself out. Just don't go blaming yourself for his selfish actions.
Help - I am sorry you are going through a similar situation. I am hoping that at some point, I will stop over-analyzing every aspect of what H is doing. Thanks for providing a safe place for me to vent and share about the re-building of my life.
Corpuswife: Thanks for responding. I'm going back and reading your prior posts about your situation. I feel like my H is no longer the man I married. Something snapped late last year and maybe this is a midlife crisis. I admit we were both unhappy at one period or another, but for 10 years? My H has always bucked the system and for him to say he did it because he was supposed to?? That just doesn't sit well with me. I know I am over thinking everything, but maybe that's the accountant in me. I have to say that for the first time today, I feel a little better. Maybe its just being able to put my thoughts down on paper (well, on a website ). Maybe a little anger is what I need to feel - it might get me up off my butt tomorrow and do something for me.
Hey Zoe, thats what my W told me, that she didn't love me for the past 10 years. If it's true she sure did a great job of hiding it. I think she was/is a coward for not telling me 10 years ago if it was true.
But really I think it's some kind of defense mechanism that allows them to say anything they want and to go back and find all the little problems in the past without ever looking at the good things that happened. I think they rationalize these feelings to justify their actions and convince themselves what they are doing is right. I don't think we will ever know the truth.
Re: How Do I find the strength?
). Maybe a little anger is what I need to feel - it might get me up off my butt tomorrow and do something for me.
