It's been 1 1/2 months since my husband moved out of the house (I posted when it first happened). He left after giving me the "not in love with you" speech. We were together 5 years before getting married in 2000. He says he married me because that was "what he was supposed to do". Yes, we have drifted apart romantically and haven't been truely intimate in a while. We get along great together and always enjoyed each other's company. I've had health/weight/medication problems that have contributed to my lack of interest in sex. In the back of my mind, I knew we weren't living life as a married couple and we were more like roommates, but we didn't talk about it for fear of hurting each other. The time apart has made me realize everything that was going/went wrong. I've made great strides to get healthier (been going to the gym) and better myself (making friends with the girls at work and looking for volunteer opportunities in the community). I know that regardless of what happens with H, I needed to do these things for ME. I've been giving him space to find himself and do the growing he needs to do. I've tried to follow the advice here and be strong around him and not let him see how much this time apart is killing me.
My heart wants so much to try again. To continue living apart, but to date and re-connect. I feel like such a fool to think that I've been living a comfortable happy (but not without problems) life and he's been miserable and never loved me. I keep going between just letting go completely and wanting so much to try again. If he wasn't happy for our time together and I was, is it selfish of me to ask for a second try? Should I just let go and let him find his happiness? It hurts so much to think that I took so much of his life away from him. Because he was my first boyfriend, first everything, do I just consider this to be the big "First Love" breakup that everyone goes through much earlier in life and consider it a growing experience? I'm so afraid that without giving this a second try, I will always be stuck in "what if" mode and I won't be able to move on and find someone new.
I'm in a very low place this morning and I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
HI,
Nice to see you working on yourself. Doing it for YOU is key. Not for him. Because as you know, no-one knows what the future will be.
Its also nice you take some responsibility for your half in the marraige but DONT take responsibility for him too. (your comment about taking so much of his life is sweet but too much burden and your loading that on yourself). Each of us has to take responsibility for ourselves.
I guess with respect to him, you could keep showing all your doing (it will take time) and let him know your open and eager to rediscover each other. Overtime, you'll realize foryourself at what point you will move forward. Just dont live in the past and dont look to the future. Just keep taking the steps and actions that make you feel better about yourself.
You have the strength to go all the way because instead of crawling into a hole, you've picked yourself up and are working on it. Just keep going!!!
AND "Don't live in the past" means stop beating yourself up for what happened. No one has the manual to lead a "perfect" life, let alone what that even means.
Hi,
Just wanted to say that you seem to be doing all the right things for yourself and moving forward nicely.
It's great that you see your part in the marriage breakdown but he is to blame as well, you both let it get to where it was.
I'm a believer in a least putting your feelings out there, he might not respond the way you want but you will at least have tried, maybe wait a few more weeks and then put it in note or speak in person.
Maybe you two could have a conversation about how you are feeling after some time apart and see who feels what.
Keep working on yourself so he can see the best you possible, a confident woman is very sexy to a man.
good luck
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I try to be stong and remind myself that whatever happens, I need to take steps to form my own personality, my own life. I would love to make room for him to re-join me, but right now, I'm making plans for ME. We really haven't had an honest talk about where we are and where we are going since he moved out. I am going to approach him today and suggest a conversation. Its going to be painful, but we need to get everything out on the table. Please send any positive vibes my way so I can do this.
Husband and I spent the morning together yesterday. I asked him if he was happy being alone. He said yes and that right now, there's really no "us". I needed to hear it, but now I am so lost. I have cried for the past 24 hours. It's strange that I can sleep, but that's only because I close my eyes and picture him beside me. Its waking up that hurts because I have to do everything all over again - without him. I think what hurts is that he's found people to talk to about us. He's been able to tell people everything that he couldn't tell me. I still feel like I was not given an opportunity to be strong and fight for our marriage. I know I shouldn't, but I carry around this guilt of everything I didn't say or do for us and it hurts. I have never been so sad or scared in my entire life.
The only positive is that we aren't fighting and we don't hate each other. (Well, there are some days that I hate him). It hurts that we don't live together, but our friendship is still there. Some days it is painful to see/talk to him, but most times, we still have the same goofy talks and share our jokes like old times. In just this short time apart, we've both grown as individuals and he said he was proud of the changes I've made. I still have to hold on to the thought that our changes and time spent together will lead us back to where we began - in love. Without that hope, I don't know if I can make it through another day.
Your situation with your husband sounds very similar to my situation with my wife - she wants to be divorced from me, but still is friendly and wants to be pals... It sucks to say the least - like I said before must be something in the water here in Florida..
Keep working on yourself and try to make yourself happy - easier said than done I know - but we have to try... we have to let our other halves come to terms with themselves and be happy with themselves before they can be happy with us... and sometimes I question whether they are mature enough to make that determination. We cannot change them, no matter how much we try. We can only control ourselves. So no matter what - do what is good for you FIRST, and worry about him second (again easier said than done).. Hang in there - be strong and post often - we are all here for you...
Your situation with your husband sounds very similar to my situation with my wife - she wants to be divorced from me, but still is friendly and wants to be pals... It sucks to say the least - like I said before must be something in the water here in Florida..
I second that!!
__________________
It is as hard to see one's self as to look backwards without turning around. -Thoreau
Yesterday was definitely the lowest day I've had in a while. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I have so many things I need to say to H, but everything is so jumbled right now. I've gone from "one day at a time" to "one hour at a time".
The girls at work are being great to me and supporting me but I feel so guilty because I never was friendly with them before all of this happened. Its been hard for me to reach out because I don't feel like I deserve them. I guess this is all part of the growing process.
I agree about the Florida water This COLD weather is not helping my mood any!
Yesterday was 2 months to the day that my husband moved out. I am currently spending a long weekend with some girl friends. Husband & I visited this same city many years ago. I am trying so hard to have a good time, but all I can think of are places we visited together or how he would really enjoy seeing the city again. It hurts knowing that we may never travel again and experience new places together. I am still taking everything one day at a time. This was a big step for me - I've never been on a girls weekend. I am trying to let go of him, but I miss him so much. Tomorrow is a full day and I hope I can keep my thoughts of him at bay.
Zoe-I just wanted you to know you are not alone! It is so hard especially when you hear the person you promised to love forever say they don't love you anymore.
It is wonderful you have a support system and never feel like you don't deserve them!
Some days, you simply take it minute by minute. I swear, it will get easier. The moments filled with heavy pain will lessen. Just be easy with yourself and know how you feel is normal.
Some days I really need the extra words of encouragement - thanks! I'm going to enjoy myself today - before it's time to go back to reality. Posted via Mobile Device
I am sorry for what you are going through. I know how you feel. We have similar situations. The only difference is my H told me he still loves me and he is still here for now. He does want to move out but he has no to place to go.
Having him here but him not wanting to be here is very hard. Everyday I can't stop thinking about us.
I am just like you I feel very guilty about my part that caused our marriage to get to this point. I am trying to get over the guilt but it is really hard. I have been working on myself also.
Keep posting so I know what you are feeling and going through so when my H does move out I will know what to expect.
Everyone is here to help each other. There are people who have been through this.
How Do I find the strength?
