Dating While Separated Cheating?
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Dating While Separated Cheating?

I'm interested to know what everyone's opinion is on whether seeing other people while separated is considered cheating or not. I know it's probably not the healthiest thing for the situation, but after being separated and being with other guys, my husband says that he considers that cheating. I say that since we had already been separated for a few months, and now over a year, and not even living in the same city and at the time, had planned on getting a divorce, it is not cheating.
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Old 01-20-2010, 05:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

If you're looking for a distant opinion, I would say that I'm with you. If you're not together geographically AND emotionally and the plan is to divorce, that should leave you free to date (Now whether that's a good idea in your case, I couldn't say).

Are you interested in what he thinks and feels? By that I mean, is there a chance of reconciliation? If there is, then I would say you should take his feelings to heart and desist. That way you aren't hurting him and your chances of getting back together.
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Old 01-20-2010, 05:20 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

Technically it's still cheating as you're still married on paper. However, you were separated for a long time and geographically separate as well. I'd say it depends on what you agreement with your H is.

My W started seeing a OM the same month she filed for divorce. No question here - she's an adulteress.
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Old 01-20-2010, 09:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

Call me crazy, but why do you care what he thinks?

Have you and your husband been in contact throughout the separation? Did you discuss dating, or reconciling?

Something is missing. I can't understand why either he would be angry and call it cheating, or you would feel guilty that he calls it cheating if the plan over a year ago was to end your marriage.
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Old 01-20-2010, 10:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

I guess it would depend on several factors. Did either of you commit adultery while you were together? That could answer your question from a religious stand point. Did you and your husband have any intentions of reconciliation when you initially split up? That could answer your question from a civil point of view. It sounds as though you and the husband are emotionally as well as physically separated. Then, there is the time factor there. I would venture to say it isn't cheating. At this point why worry if dating is technically cheating?
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Old 01-20-2010, 11:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

I would say this partly depends on what you and your spouse discussed when you separated. Did you discuss dating and say you wouldn't do it? I'm about to separate and maybe it seems more logical to me right now than it might later. But whether to date other people seems like one topic that a separating couple should discuss.
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Old 01-21-2010, 06:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

if you just separated without any discussion to what the plan might be then I think you should be free to date and have relationships.
if the plan is to separate and try to get back together then anyone else in the mix would be adultery....a separation agreement is just that a legal separation of the marriage.
it does sound to me that you two were no longer any kind of couple, so think you were on his part is kind of silly......
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Old 01-24-2010, 10:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by whattodo25 View Post
I'm interested to know what everyone's opinion is on whether seeing other people while separated is considered cheating or not. I know it's probably not the healthiest thing for the situation, but after being separated and being with other guys, my husband says that he considers that cheating. I say that since we had already been separated for a few months, and now over a year, and not even living in the same city and at the time, had planned on getting a divorce, it is not cheating.
This was a topic that was already touched on. The thread is located here within this section and it is called, "How Long Do We Sit Out?"
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Old 01-26-2010, 01:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

Like most others have said above, based on what the seperation was intended to do would help determine your answer.
If you both seperated to gain some perspective on your relationship & to see if you could work things out - then don't think dating have been involved - it just makes things more complicated.
If you seperated with the intention of 1st step in the direction of divorce, with no intention of getting back together - then I would say dating would not be the next step. However, as long as you are still married - which it sounds like you are - then legally - you are cheating.
But it appears that your relationship with your husband was gone along time ago due to your differences & then the geographic distance between you.

My soon to be X was dating at least 6 months ago & around the time we decided that there would be no reconciliation. What bothered me the most about his new relationship was that our children were seeing him with the OM 1 night/week before they had been told our final decision about the marriage.
He didn't seem to think it was a big deal . . . nothing like teaching your kids about morals & doing the right thing by leading by example- NOT!!. I hope to God they don't follow his lead. He never respected our marriage & this was a perfect example - ugh.

If you are both moving on - it doesn't really matter what you call it. It happened & unless someone is looking to place blame - it is over.
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Old 10-06-2010, 10:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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It`s not cheating..You are not planning to go back to your husband are you?, so perhaps now is the time to formally wrap up that relationship in a divorce and pursue with your plans!. It really is best for everyone involved to get closure on this, so that all are free to discover new relationships.
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Old 10-06-2010, 11:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

The only way we can divorce here "without blame" and amicably is with a two year mutually agreed separation. The question of dating came up and we've agreed that if one us wants to date then we'll create and sign a document releasing both of us from any recriminations.

Whattodo25, sounds to me that your husband still has a soft spot for you. Either that or he's trying to make you feel guilty.

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Old 10-06-2010, 02:05 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

I am not going to straddle the fence here:

It is not cheating.

Cheating to me involves deception.

Now, if you were perhaps hiding a man on the side, absolutely, that is cheating.

Now. . .as to what's healthy. . .I think the healthiest thing to do is to extend a courtesy of a "mourning period" to whatever spouse for however long. A year is a respectable mourning period.

I told my wife I would at least like 3.5 months (May to Labor Day) where we didn't date anyone. She disrespected me and the marriage by going out on a date the next month (just to be defiant, I guess. . .whatever I suggested, it had to be wrong).

So. . .if you can extend the courtesy to your husband, I would recommend it in the name of keeping better relations. I would say relations went very south from there on in with my stb-x with that.

Just ask what he exactly wants? Until the decree? 2 years?

And then explain why you think that isn't healthy either.
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Old 10-06-2010, 05:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

What would be the possible benefit of hanging on a cross of celibacy for someone you have separated from and both parties intend fully to divorce? Celibacy for the sake of celibacy makes no sense to me. Now, if the separation is for the purpose of working things out to continue with the marriage, then bringing another sexual relationship into the mix would be counterproductive and wrong.
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

For some people, myself included, it's not a matter of what's on paper. It's about still being married in the eyes of God. The paperwork was a formality. The vow you took isn't. No matter how disrespectful my spouse is about it, I am not going to lower myself to her level.
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:28 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating While Separated Cheating?

Help239, I hope one day I find a husband with your type of moral values. I am familiar with your thread and considering what your wife has done, you have shown the utmost respect towards your marriage and you have dignity.

I would not start dating during separation simply because your emotions are all over the place and I think in the long run it turns counter productive. At least to me that marriage meant something.
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