Lost, scared, and broken
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 02-01-2010, 07:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Lost, scared, and broken

I posted here awhile back about finding a dating profile my wife had made. We talked for days and she said she didn't want to be with me anymore, but that if I changed some things that we could see where things were...we worked things out and got to a place where we seemed happy and working on us again.
Then a day I have been afraid of since learning how cruel the world can be came...We were working on things and then she told me that for the last month and a half she'd been seeing someone else and had cheated on me with this guy. She met him at a bar and he didn't care that she was married and we had two kids. She began to dump on me all the things she had been lying about to me the last few months, and we decided to separate.
The more we talk the more it seems like she wants to try dating me again and see where that goes, but my main problem is that she still wants to see this 'other guy.' Even though she's told me that she doesn't see it going anywhere. He is very serious about her (he lived in Florida and passed up a chance to move back because of her) but I don't know if she's telling us both the same thing. I love her with everything I am..she helped me rediscover things I love about me and I want things to work out between us. I hear alot of contradictory things come from her and I have serious bouts of anger and sadness that I can't control. It's all internal, but I'm afraid if it starts to spill over. I can't afford therapy because I'd love to try but I don't know how to deal with any of this....she isn't just my wife; she's my best friend and we only have each other to talk to about all of this.
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Old 02-01-2010, 07:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, scared, and broken

Oh, and we are stuck in a lease and still live together...kind of important information. I haven't actually moved out yet, but it will happen. Not just because we decided to, but because of everything that's happend....I need to.
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Old 02-02-2010, 10:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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What did she say that she wanted you to change about yourself in that she held the marriage over you?
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Old 02-02-2010, 08:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, scared, and broken

just how I had lost contact with us as a couple and that I was not 'who I used to be when we met'....but I did change that. It was an enlightening moment when I did, but the changing that I did was apparently only for myself because she didn't change anything about what she was doing...she excalated her behavior to where we are now. I don't understand why it went this way and what happened to the woman that I fell in love with, or why she tells me she hopes we can work things out and that she loves no one more then she loves me; while at the same time telling me she won't stop seeing this guy and that she 'really likes him.'
My emotions are so all over the place that I can't get anything straight. I know living together is a bad idea for working things out or even with just moving on, but it's the only option we have for at least a few more weeks.
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Old 02-02-2010, 09:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, scared, and broken

Well of course you aren't the same guy when she met you - I assume you've grown a little, matured a little. . .seems rather vague to me.

She may want to be with this guy while not wanting to be the "heavy" and put you out. So, putting this "other guy" in there is supposed to invoke feelings of anger so that you end it.

This is just speculation, of course - a trained counselor just for you may be able to offer more insight. I know you say you can't afford therapy and this forum is great but even I have to realize sometimes that whoa. . .I"m not a counselor, even though it's natural to want to reach out and diagnose the situation from afar.
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Old 02-17-2010, 09:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, scared, and broken

I like getting other opinions on situations is all. She isn't working right now and I'm supporting her and my two boys on my paycheck, which is why I can't afford counselling right now, but I do agree that I need to see a professional.
And I didn't need to get angry to separate from her. Once the affair happened that was enough. I can't stay around with that kind of knowledge in my head.
The last week or two have been pretty good for us. She seems to be wanting to be honest with me about whatever she can, and trying to connect and bond more with me. We both agree that separating is the best thing, but I truly believe that she's trying to get us to a better place before I move out so we can try and reconcile in the future. Does that seem true to anyone else? Because my confusion level throughout all of this has been very high.
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Old 02-28-2011, 09:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, scared, and broken

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Originally Posted by josh1081 View Post
The last week or two have been pretty good for us. She seems to be wanting to be honest with me about whatever she can, and trying to connect and bond more with me. We both agree that separating is the best thing, but I truly believe that she's trying to get us to a better place before I move out so we can try and reconcile in the future. Does that seem true to anyone else? Because my confusion level throughout all of this has been very high.
Josh read a bit more about infidelity and the behavior of the disloyal spouse. Rarely do they find it easy to give up the OM/W. They may vacillate back and forth for quite some time. If you are aware of what to look for and the stages that you wife is going through, you will be better prepared.

I am not saying that your wife is being deceptive but that she might be. You said she was with this OM a short while ago, it is unlikely he is out of the picture. When she is happy and loving to you, it may be spill over from the relationship with the other man.

I am not sure of course but, be cautious and require proof before you make any major changes.
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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josh, if you're supporting her right now, financially, even AFTER knowing about this other dude, then you know she is going to be somewhat sweeter, and continue to try to be nice to keep that going. She is using you to an extent. Not to say she has no feelings, but her going back and forth with you is probably because if it doesn't work out with this other man, she will always have you to fall back on and wouldn't that just be great? I'm sure she does care about you in a way, but, she's also been so used to leading this double life for a little while, getting attention from the both of you. That could be a hard thing to give up. I am speaking from experience, although I was you, this happened to me a while ago during a serious relationship, not a marriage, but we went to counseling and everything for it. Needless to say, it didn't work out. For my bf at the time, he had stopped seeing this woman, but then soon started trying to meet women online, and was hitting on other women around us. We live in a small place, its easy to find these things out. I was supporting him too, as he just had got laid off, and I had two jobs and two kids.
I went to one of the counseling sessions alone, and my counselor flat out asked, "Why do you stay?" He said people like him crave that attention from the opposite sex, even when things are going well in their own relationship. Now, idk that this is happening to you, but I wanted to share because I know how you feel. He was my best friend and I could tell him everything. Just like my husband now. My best friend, confidant, partner. But unless you're into having an "open" marriage, then its going to be a rough road for you.
For now, it would be a good idea to separate and really have her leave. I know thats easy for me to say because you have children.
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:27 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, scared, and broken

And as far as the lease goes, that legally binds two people to be financially responsible. Doesn't necessarily mean you both have to live there. Im in the same predicament, and I live in my house alone with my children. I pay half the lease and my husband pays the other half.
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, scared, and broken

Just a quick note: josh1081 has come back and had an update to his story, but this particular thread is from last year...February 2010. So this is not "where he's at" right now.

Here is his most recent post, okay: my wife moved out yesterday (update)
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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josh, if you're supporting her right now, financially, even AFTER knowing about this other dude, then you know she is going to be somewhat sweeter, and continue to try to be nice to keep that going. She is using you to an extent. Not to say she has no feelings, but her going back and forth with you is probably because if it doesn't work out with this other man, she will always have you to fall back on and wouldn't that just be great? I'm sure she does care about you in a wayPosted via Mobile Device
It sounds to me like you could be the fall back guy, the insurance policy, plus if your paying the bills why would she want to get rid of you. I think you should tell her if she wants to see if your relationship will work out there needs to be changes and the biggest change is the other guy is gone, tell her your not going to be kept on a string nor are you willing to support her while she is out cheating on you.

As for being your best friend, well is being cheated on a betrayal? I dont think I could call someone who betrays me my best friend. IMO... good luck to ya
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